Recovering Debs

Coming soon: Recovering Debs, a podcast that examines white debutante culture in North Carolina from the perspective of reluctant debutantes who have questions. What does this custom mean for parents? For the young women who participate? Who benefits and how? 

In the 1960s, Mayor Wense Grabarek became nationally known as he led Durham, NC through a tumultuous period of desegregation. He was praised as a civil rights champion and a skilled peacemaker, but his household became a battleground as he and his wife insisted that their daughter, Lisa, make her Durham debut. Lisa tells the story of arguments and punishments that went on for months. She stood her ground. Then Wense presented her with a terrible threat, making Lisa’s debut a matter of life-and-death. 

Lisa Grabarek continues her story as a resistant debutante: Her reaction to her father's threat, the aftermath, and the surprising conversations with her parents that took place years later. She wraps it up with a cathartic purge in her family's home, plus advice to would-be debs.

We turn our attention to NC's statewide debutante ball and hear from a more recent debutante. Anna from eastern NC talks about her experience: the bribe her older sister received, how Anna's thinking about deb culture changed over time, and the curious advice she received from an elder former debutante: Don't get too drunk. We also hear the Durham Debutante Society's response to the first two episodes. 

What is North Carolina's state debutante ball really like? Former debutante and PhD student Anna Shelton-Ormond walks us through the rituals of the ball—including the famous decorated stools—and describes her personal experience. “It felt very ritualistic and very fake. It felt like my family was performing some kind of part in a play that just didn’t really seem genuine with who we were as a family.” Anna powered through her debut, but the evening did not end well. 

Continuing the conversation with Anna Shelton-Ormond, we dive into a more analytical view of NC’s debutante scene. Anna’s research indicates that many NC debs are ambivalent in some way. So with all this ambivalence, why does the debutante tradition continue? Turns out that strong social, economic and cultural incentives exist that may keep it in place—incentives that aren’t usually discussed in polite society.

“Secrecy gives you control over somebody who doesn't know the secret. It can also hide the truth from yourself.” This week’s guest, Dr. Cynthia Lewis, has interviewed a lot of people who have something to hide, like criminal investigators and professional gamblers. To her surprise, debutantes were just as slippery. She also discusses deb culture’s special strength in the South and why many deb groups are run by men. And don’t miss this excellent Indy Week article!

This episode covers a lot of ground, including personal stories and bits of NC debutante history. We hear directly from four NC women who have deb-related memories—some funny, some poignant. We also answer listener questions, delving into how one becomes an NC debutante (you can’t apply) and how the whole thing began (the first NC debutante ball was a beauty pageant!).  Mary also shares a personal story about a deb party where she blurts out the truth to a reporter. Be sure to catch our bonus episode on September 11, and the final episode, available on September 25.

Short bonus: We go back to the era when North Carolina debutantes first emerged, shortly after women won the right to vote – but with no thanks to NC lawmakers. Mary discovers a family connection to the NC senator who tried his best to block women’s suffrage. She muses on the timing of the state’s first debs and the timing in young women’s lives today. Plus, the control men exercise over high society, then and now.

In this final episode, Mary offers personal reflections and parting thoughts. She reviews key points from the podcast and reaches a surprising conclusion: Perhaps, at its core, the NC debutante ball isn’t really so much about the young women who debut. She also discusses the exclusivity of the debutante season as a symptom of larger economic barriers in the state. Rachel Hope Anderson offers guest comments on her experience as a non-debutante at Davidson College.Find out more:“Secret Sharing: Debutantes Coming out in the American South” by Cynthia LewisThe Season: A Social History of the Debutante by Kristen Richardson“Bloodlines, Ball Gowns, Trashed in the Hotel Room: Hegemonic Processes of Debutantes as Southern Royalty” by Anna Shelton-Ormond. Our theme song, “Rare Thing” was written and produced by Max Gowan and performed by Qwilt. Available online soon!