Tough Love For Men

In this interview edition of Tough Love for Men, Ryan sits down with Men’s Coach Roy Wang, who has dedicated the last seven years to helping men improve their relationships and navigate their emotional landscapes. With a background in counseling psychology and a passion for bridging psychology and spirituality, Roy explores the complexities of existential crises and ego deaths, particularly as they relate to men's experiences in today's world.Roy explains that many men struggle with the concept of an existential crisis or ego death, often viewing it as a curse or a sign of failure. However, he emphasizes that these experiences can serve as powerful rites of passage, leading to profound personal transformation. By understanding the function of these crises, men can begin to see them as opportunities for growth rather than obstacles to overcome.Ryan and Roy also discuss the importance of community and connection during these challenging times. They highlight how shared experiences can provide comfort and normalization, allowing individuals to navigate their crises with greater ease and understanding.Episode Takeaways:The role of existential crises and ego deaths as rites of passage for personal transformation.How societal expectations can hinder men's ability to embrace vulnerability and change.The significance of community support in navigating existential challenges.Why understanding the underlying needs during crises can lead to deeper self-awareness.How creative expression and exploration can emerge from periods of chaos and uncertainty.The importance of surrendering to the process of transformation rather than resisting it.A Question to Explore:What aspects of your identity are you clinging to that may be preventing you from embracing a necessary transformation in your life?Connect with Roy WangWebsite: sacredwildman.comInstagram: @sacredwildmanLearn more about Tough Love for Men and our relationship work at https://www.beingmen.net/.

This week on Tough Love for Men, we’re sharing a special episode from Reclaiming the Gentle Man, hosted by men’s work facilitator and relationship coach Dave Lishansky.Ryan joins Dave as a guest to explore reparenting your inner child and how early emotional conditioning continues to shape adult relationships. Dave also reflects on Ryan’s influence as a teacher and mentor in his own journey.Together, they discuss how the pressure to be capable can leave men struggling with shame, defensiveness, and expressing their needs. They explore developing an inner parent or mentor who can meet vulnerable parts of yourself with care, curiosity, and accountability.In this episode:How childhood conditioning shapes emotional expression and relationship patterns.What reparenting yourself can look like when shame, anger, or insecurity surfaces.The role of men’s groups, mentorship, and support beyond your relationship.How to express your needs and set boundaries when people-pleasing takes over.Returning to connection after a reactive moment.A “loving presence” practice where partners take turns sharing and listening.Through examples from their own marriages, Ryan and Dave offer an honest look at growth as an ongoing practice, including the moments when familiar patterns return.Explore Reclaiming the Gentle Man and connect with Dave:Website: davelishansky.comInstagram: @dave_lishanskyListen to the original episode on Spotify

In this interview edition of Tough Love for Men, Ryan sits down with certified Nonviolent Communication trainer Mary Goyer to explore what changes when couples stop trying to win conflict and start listening for what matters underneath it.Nonviolent Communication, or NVC, is a practical framework for tense or awkward conversations. Rather than leading with blame, judgment, or “you always” and “you never,” it helps couples slow down and work with four anchors: observations, feelings, needs, and requests.Mary explains why the same argument can return again and again wearing a different outfit. The surface issue may be dishes, clutter, lateness, or an unfinished task, but recurring conflict often points to a need that has never been named—such as support, acceptance, order, consideration, trust, or shared responsibility.Once both partners can name the needs underneath the fight, the relationship can move out of a winner-and-loser dynamic. The question becomes less “Who is wrong?” and more “How can we care for both of us?”Ryan and Mary also unpack the places where NVC commonly goes off track. An observation becomes an accusation. “I feel” introduces a judgment instead of an emotion. A need gets confused with one preferred solution. A request becomes a demand.The goal is not to speak from a perfect script. It is to interrupt reactivity long enough to become curious, get specific, and make a request the other person can honestly answer.Episode Takeaways:Why recurring fights often point to an unnamed or unmet needHow to replace global judgments with one specific, observable momentThe difference between a feeling and a thought disguised as “I feel”Why feelings can act as signals that important needs are met or unmetHow confusing a need with one preferred strategy creates scarcity and pressureWhy a clear request gives your partner something concrete to respond toHow treating a “no” as information can uncover needs that have not yet been consideredWhy structure and empathy tools can help when stress limits access to languageHow couples can move from adversaries to collaborators without pretending every dilemma has an easy solutionA Question to Explore:What argument keeps returning in your relationship, and what deeper need might each of you be trying to protect beneath the surface issue?A Practice to Try:Choose one recent moment of tension and slow it down together. Name one observable event without judgment. Identify what you felt, the need connected to that feeling, and one specific request. Keep the conversation to one issue at a time.Connect with Mary GoyerMary Goyer: https://www.marygoyer.com/GROK Empathy Cards and free starter kit: https://groktheworld.com/Learn more about Tough Love for Men and our relationship work at https://www.beingmen.net/.

In this episode of Tough Love for Men, Ryan Ginn and Luke Adler begin a new series exploring the male archetypes of defense: the protective patterns men fall into when vulnerability, conflict, or relational pain feels too difficult to hold.The first archetype is The Defender.The Defender hears an unmet need as an accusation. When his partner says, “I feel alone,” “That hurt me,” or “I need more from you,” his reflex is to explain, correct, debate, counteraccuse, or prove that his intentions were good.Underneath it is often a fear that fully receiving his partner’s feedback will prove something painful: that he is bad, guilty, incompetent, inadequate, or failing as a husband and father.Ryan and Luke explain that defensiveness is not evidence that a man does not care. It is a protector trying to move him away from shame, grief, and the vulnerability of realizing that someone he loves has been hurt by his behavior.The problem is that when a man rushes to defend his intention, the impact disappears from the conversation. His partner’s hurt becomes something to argue with instead of something to understand.This episode explores what it takes to slow that reflex down, regulate the nervous system, and stay present long enough to hear what happened for the other person. It also offers a simple practice for breaking the pattern:Listen for impact before explaining intent.Episode TakeawaysHow The Defender turns feedback into an accusation and responds with explaining, correcting, debating, or counterattackingWhy defensiveness is often protecting a deeper fear of being bad, inadequate, or unworthyWhat grief and shame have to do with the urge to argue your way out of your partner’s painWhy good intentions do not erase relational impactHow rushing into an apology can still bypass the hurt that needs acknowledgmentWhy regulating your own nervous system must come before genuine empathy and repairHow chronic defensiveness can become an entire way of relating, even when no criticism has been spokenThe difference between accepting impact and agreeing that you are a bad personHow to treat your partner’s hurt as part of the shared relational nervous systemWhy listening with curiosity creates more resilience than proving your innocenceA Question to ExploreWhen your partner tells you that something you did hurt or disappointed them, what are you afraid it will mean about you if you fully let their experience in?A Practice to TryThe next time you feel the urge to explain yourself, pause and ask:“Can you help me understand the impact that had on you?”Listen for impact before explaining intent.Learn more about Ryan and Luke’s relationship work and the upcoming Intimacy Blueprint Retreat at https://www.beingmen.net/intimacyblueprint.

In this interview edition of Tough Love for Men, Ryan sits down with men’s relational health coach Bri Hofmann to explore a pattern many men live inside without realizing it: somewhere along the way, being a man became something they had to perform.Bri’s work is shaped by years spent in high-stakes spaces, including emergency medical work in Denver and coaching as a doula. After her husband died by suicide in 2021 while she was pregnant, she became deeply committed to understanding men’s emotional and relational health. Her work now helps men reconnect with themselves, recognize the patterns operating beneath their relationships, and build lives rooted in connection rather than constant proof.Bri explains that many boys reach a point between childhood and adolescence when wonder, creativity, tenderness, and emotional expression begin to disappear. They learn to become productive, stoic, dependable, and useful. Achievement becomes a source of worth, and the question beneath daily life becomes: Am I doing enough to deserve love?That question can quietly follow a man into adulthood. He may look to his income, career, body, productivity, partner, children, or sex life for proof that he matters. When those external sources are inconsistent or disappear, he may have no reliable place inside himself to return to.Ryan and Bri talk about rebuilding that internal evidence through small promises kept to yourself: honoring a boundary, saying no when you mean no, following through on a commitment, caring for your body, and making choices that tell your nervous system, “I matter.”They also explore how this pattern affects intimate relationships. A man who believes his value comes from being useful may become the fixer, protector, emotional regulator, or problem-solver for everyone around him. He may try to decode his partner’s emotions, prevent her discomfort, or take responsibility for making everything okay.Bri’s Pattern Assessment offers a starting point for recognizing four common survival strategies: The Lost Boy, The Shape Shifter, The Performer, and The Hollow One. These patterns are not identities. They are learned ways of finding love, avoiding rejection, and staying emotionally safe. Because they were learned, they can also be changed.Episode Takeaways:Why many men disconnect from wonder, play, and emotional expression as they enter adolescenceHow performance, productivity, and provision can become substitutes for self-worthWhy external proof never creates a stable sense of valueHow keeping small promises to yourself rebuilds internal trustWhy fixing your partner’s emotions can create resentment instead of intimacyHow couples reinforce patterns of overfunctioning and emotional dependenceThe difference between supporting your partner and becoming responsible for their emotional stateWhy healthy relationships require both self-soothing and the courage to reach for connectionHow pattern awareness can help you make a new choice before pain or crisis forces changeA Question to Explore:If your job, income, achievements, body, partner’s approval, and ability to be useful were temporarily stripped away, what evidence would remain that you are worthy of love and belonging?Connect with Bri HofmannPattern Assessment Tool: Take the Pattern AssessmentWebsite: Visit Bri Hofmann’s websiteInstagram: Follow @brihofmann.coachJoin Us at the Intimacy Blueprint Men’s Retreat — Ashland, OregonDates: Sep 25, 2026–Sep 27, 2026https://www.beingmen.net/intimacyblueprint