Awesome Marriage Podcast

A marriage rarely falls apart overnight. More often, it's a slow drift of unresolved issues, emotional distance, unmet needs, and small choices that move us away from each other. Dr. Kim sits down with Arly Smart to talk about the warning signs couples shouldn't ignore, how seemingly innocent outside relationships can become dangerous, and why secrecy changes everything. They also get honest about what happens after infidelity, what it really takes to rebuild trust, and how a marriage can become stronger on the other side of betrayal. Whether you want to protect the marriage you have or find hope after a painful season, this conversation will help you recognize the warning signs and take steps toward healing.   3 Key Takeaways: Marriage breakdown usually begins with a slow drift, not one big decision.  Protect your marriage by paying attention to boundaries and secrecy.  Rebuilding trust takes more than an apology.      Quotes from This Episode: 1. "The absence of infidelity or betrayal doesn't necessarily mean that we have a healthy marriage. We can be without betrayal and still be completely separate in our relationship." — Arly 2. "Sometimes you feel more alone when you're with your mate than you do when you're actually alone." — Arly 3. "It wasn't like I made a decision that this year I'm going to blow up my marriage. It was a lot of unaddressed underlying issues that just went unresolved." — Arly 4. "We become less curious about our mate. We stop asking, 'How was your day? How are you feeling? What are you looking forward to?'" — Arly 5. "The question we need to ask ourselves isn't, 'What the heck am I doing?' It's more like, 'Why am I doing this?'" — Arly 6. "When it becomes a secret, when we're protecting text messages, erasing emails, or connecting on apps nobody knows about, we've crossed a line." — Arly 7. "The moment that outside relationship goes from being something I'm okay sharing with my mate to something I'm keeping secret, that's when the unthinkable becomes inevitable." — Arly 8. "If anything is happening in secret, something has happened." — Dr. Kim 9. "The truth will always surface. If there's a hint of a secret or something left that hasn't been revealed, it will get revealed." — Arly 10. "Anything that comes out later is like death by a thousand paper cuts. You make some progress, then you find out another truth, and you're back to square one." — Arly 11. "A confession is in no way a trust-building exercise. It's one brick in the many bricks that lay a new foundation of trust." — Arly 12. "Rebuilding trust requires a sustained pattern of behavioral change. It's not one confession or one or two really hard conversations." — Arly 13. "Don't promise something you can't do. You're just setting yourself up for failure. Be honest about what you can do and what you can't." — Dr. Kim 14. "Your old life is what got you where you are today. You don't want that old life back. You want to let God build something new." — Dr. Kim 15. "Through all of that great suffering, we can actually come out the other side closer, more deeply in love, and more grateful." — Arly 16. "The path of recovery is significantly harder. But as hard as it is, you are building something." — Dr. Kim   Time to Talk About it:  Where might we be drifting into autopilot?  Are there any boundaries we need to strengthen?  What does building trust and emotional safety look like in our marriage right now?    Your Next Step: Hope for the Hurting Marriage  Work through the plan together, make space for prayer, honest conversations, and invite God into the places of your marriage that need healing.  Mentioned in this Episode: If your marriage is struggling, try our 90 Days to Save Your Marriage email series.  Maybe you need to shift how you're viewing your marriage and your spouse. Our Reframing Challenge can help! Want an opportunity to dig into God's Word with your spouse? Find Awesome Marriage on YouVersion. This plan is specifically for improving the communication in your marriage: Achieving Awesome Communication in Marriage If you haven't browsed our site, you've GOT to check out the marriage resources we have over at AwesomeMarriage.com, and browse our online courses at AwesomeMarriageUniversity.com !  Be the first to hear about all things Awesome Marriage, receive monthly bonus content straight from Dr. Kim and Mrs. Nancy, and take advantage of big discounts by becoming a Marriage Changer!  

Have you ever felt like you've told your spouse the same thing a hundred times, but nothing seems to change? Maybe your frustration is legitimate, but the way you're communicating it is making it harder for your spouse to hear what you really need. In this episode, Dr. Kim talks about how frustration can turn into criticism, how keeping score can make us feel more like opponents than teammates, and why winning an argument doesn't always mean we're strengthening our marriage. He shares practical ways to express your needs clearly, talk about what's really going on beneath the frustration, and approach hard conversations with love and gentleness. You don't have to ignore what's bothering you or pretend everything is fine. You can speak the truth while still protecting the connection you share. Your spouse isn't your opponent. They're the person you want to feel close to. Quotes from this Episode: 1. "You may be saying something that is completely true and very important, but your spouse isn't hearing what you're trying to say." 2. "Most criticism doesn't start out as criticism. It starts with a reasonable request that didn't seem to go anywhere." 3. "The question underneath it all is, do I matter to you? Do you hear me? Do you care that this bothers me at all?" 4. "It's so much easier to say 'you never help around here' than it is to say 'I feel alone.'" 5. "When you start keeping score, your spouse stops feeling like your teammate. And they start feeling like your opponent." 6. "Winning an argument and strengthening your marriage are not always the same thing." 7. "Your spouse is much more likely to move toward you when they feel loved and safe than when they feel accused." 8. "Your spouse is not your opponent. Your spouse is not a project that you're supposed to fix. This is the person you chose to share your life with. This is the person you want to feel close to."   Time to Talk About it: What is one thing we could each do to make hard conversations feel safer and more productive in our marriage?    Your Next Steps: If communication is a pain point in your marriage, please sign up for our FREE  7 Communication Mistakes Couples Make in Marriage webinar.   Mentioned in this Episode: If your marriage is struggling, try our 90 Days to Save Your Marriage email series.  Maybe you need to shift how you're viewing your marriage and your spouse. Our Reframing Challenge can help! Want an opportunity to dig into God's Word with your spouse? Find Awesome Marriage on YouVersion. This plan is specifically for improving the communication in your marriage: Achieving Awesome Communication in Marriage If you haven't browsed our site, you've GOT to check out the marriage resources we have over at AwesomeMarriage.com, and browse our online courses at AwesomeMarriageUniversity.com !  Be the first to hear about all things Awesome Marriage, receive monthly bonus content straight from Dr. Kim and Mrs. Nancy, and take advantage of big discounts by becoming a Marriage Changer!   

What does it really mean to be a man who follows God's design? In this episode of Wider Lens, Dr. Kim sits down with Seth Troutt, author of Authentic Masculinity, to talk about the messages shaping men today and what biblical masculinity looks like in everyday life. Seth shares why masculinity is about more than appearances, accomplishments, or cultural expectations. They discuss the importance of humility, discipline, responsibility, and serving others, along with how these qualities shape the way men lead their families and love their wives. They also explore the power of self-awareness, learning to give and receive grace, and recognizing the generational patterns we may be carrying into our own marriages and parenting. Whether you're a husband, a father, or someone who wants to better understand God's design for men, this conversation offers practical encouragement for growing in Christ and building a legacy of faithfulness for the next generation. Top Takeaways: The man you're becoming shapes the way you love your family.  You don't have to get everything right to lead your family well.  You get to choose what you carry into the next generation.    Quotes from this Episode: Seth Troutt: It's not my fault that this feels normal to me, but it's my responsibility to not do it." "Being the lead repenter is the first thing you do in being a leader in a Christian household." "Jesus serves because he knows who he is." "One of the problems I see early on emerging in marriages is that husbands expect their wives to be their mothers." "The question is what type of head will I be? Will I be like Christ or will I be like Adam?" "I think the older you get, the more you experience how much of a gravitational pull there is to become like your father or to become like the masculine examples that you had in your household and beyond you."   Time to Think About it: How are my daily choices, attitudes, and habits shaping the way I love my wife, lead my family, and follow Jesus?  What patterns from my family do I want to carry forward, and what patterns do I need to change?  How do I respond when my wife or someone close to me offers feedback about my behavior?    Your Next Step: Choose one of these plans to start TODAY! Men of God: Ancient Virtues for Modern Warriors  Fighting to Be a Man of God  The Intentional Husband: 7 Days to Transform Your Marriage From the Inside Out    Connect with Seth: Seth Troutt, pastor and author of Authentic Masculinity: Leaving Behind the Counterfeits for God's Design (Moody Publishers). His website is www.sethtroutt.com or IG: @Seth_Troutt 

Our past experiences can shape the way we show up in marriage, often in ways we don't even recognize. In this episode of the Awesome Marriage Podcast, Dr. Kim talks with Phyllis Robertson Thomas, author of I Never Knew: Finding Healing and Renewal After Trauma, about how childhood trauma and unhealthy coping patterns can affect our relationships as adults. Phyllis shares how her own experiences shaped the way she approached marriage, including her struggle to trust and her need to stay in control. Together, they discuss how to recognize the patterns we bring into marriage, take responsibility for our own healing, and support our spouse without expecting them to fix us. They also talk about forgiveness, healthy expectations, and finding our identity and healing in Christ. Your past may have shaped you, but it doesn't have to define your future. Join us for an honest conversation about healing, hope, and building a healthier marriage with God at the center. Main Takeaways: Your coping mechanisms may have helped you survive, but they may not help you connect.  Your spouse can support your healing, but your spouse cannot be your savior.  Your past may have shaped you, but it doesn't have to define you.    Quotes from this Episode:  Phyllis Robertson Thomas:  1. "I didn't trust him, but I trusted God. I didn't believe in him, but I believed in what God could do in our marriage." 2. "Your spouse doesn't complete you. Your spouse doesn't heal you. Your spouse is not responsible for your healing. We love and support one another as we're both being healed, but we have to submit all of that to the Lord." 3. "They've already hurt you. So are we actually going to place our own healing in their hands? That's a lot of power and control that you're handing to someone else for your healing." 4. "Forgiveness does not equal relationship. Forgiveness does not equal reconciliation in all cases." 5. "I did what I had to do to survive, but then it doesn't serve you well as an adult, those unhealthy coping skills." 6. "Our past did shape us. It did, you know, but it doesn't have to define who we are and how we continue to live our lives." 7. "Trauma does not have to have the final word in your life." 8. "My expectation for perfection comes from nobody else except the Lord. I'm not perfect, and neither is my spouse." 9. "If it wasn't hard, if conversations weren't hard and situations weren't hard, Paul would have never told us that we needed the fruits of the Spirit." 10. "There is hope for me and I don't have to live in misery. My marriage can be healed." Dr. Kim: 1. "We don't have to stay stuck in that." 2. "As a kid growing up, you figure, how do I survive in this? And then you get to be an adult, and you realize, okay, that worked then for you, which was great. It got you to survive. You can't do that now." 3. "If my marriage is going to work, you can't control it. Got to trust him." 4. "You don't have to stay stuck. You don't have to believe what other labels people put on you. It's embracing who God created you to be." 5. "I've seen so many times for the spouse, one spouse begins to look at their spouse a little different and think, something's going on there. Maybe I need to figure out what's going on there too."   Time to Talk About It: 1. Are there ways your past experiences or family patterns show up in how you respond to your spouse today? How might understanding those patterns change the way you respond? 2. Is there an area where you've been trying to control things or struggling to trust your spouse? What would it look like to take a small step toward trust? 3. How can you support each other's healing while remembering that neither of you is responsible for being the other person's savior?   Mentioned in this Episode: Get your copy of I Never Knew by Phyllis Robertson Thomas Connect with Phyllis on Instagram! Your marriage needs God's Word. Awesome Marriage partners with YouVersion to make it easy for couples to get in the Word together. Check out this plan: 5 Marriage Lies to Defeat with Biblical Truth will help you stay confident in God's Word and God's plan for your marriage even when the world tells us lies.  If you haven't browsed our site, you've GOT to check out the marriage resources we have over at AwesomeMarriage.com, and browse our online courses at AwesomeMarriageUniversity.com !  Be the first to hear about all things Awesome Marriage, receive monthly bonus content straight from Dr. Kim and Mrs. Nancy, and take advantage of big discounts by becoming a Marriage Changer!  

How do you share responsibilities in marriage without keeping score? In this episode, Dr. Kim and Mrs. Nancy talk about what it means to be true partners, especially when life changes and responsibilities shift. They discuss why equal doesn't always mean fair, how unspoken expectations can lead to resentment, and why feeling appreciated and seen matters so much in marriage. You'll also hear practical ways to talk about the things that feel unfair, serve one another with a Christlike attitude, and build rhythms that keep you connected. Marriage isn't about keeping track of who does more. It's about learning to come alongside each other, give grace, and work together as a team with God at the center.    Top Takeaways: Healthy partnerships aren't always 50/50.  Unspoken expectations can lead to resentment.  Serving your spouse is more important than keeping score.    Quotes from this Episode: 1. "The danger isn't an uneven load. It's when one spouse starts to feel alone, unseen, or taken for granted." 2. "Equal isn't the same as fair. Sometimes you just have to give and take. It's for the common good of the team." — Mrs. Nancy 3. "This isn't 50-50. It's 100-100. You're both in, and you're working together on it." — Dr. Kim 4. "A lot of scorekeeping is really a fight for significance. I need to know what I'm doing matters, and you see me doing it." — Dr. Kim 5. "Being a student of your spouse and letting them show you, and maybe sometimes tell you directly what they need. And then come alongside them." — Dr. Kim 6. "We expect our spouse to read our mind and know what our expectations are. So it's a really good tool to talk about what's realistic and what's not." — Dr. Kim 7. "When you come to a conversation that might be difficult, you pray about it first. Ask God to give you the right words and to help you be empathetic with your spouse." — Dr. Kim 8. "How do I serve you today? How do I come alongside you today? That trumps scorekeeping." — Dr. Kim 9. "I want you to know that I care enough that I'm going to do the things to make your life better." — Dr. Kim 10. "Remember, you're not invisible to God. God sees it all, knows it all, and is ready to help you through it all." — Dr. Kim Time to Think About It: Are there any responsibilities in your marriage that feel uneven right now?  What is one thing your spouse does that makes you feel supported or appreciated?  How can you be a better team in this season of marriage?    Mentioned in this Episode: Need a healthy guide to communicate expectations: The Marriage Expectations Worksheet If your marriage is struggling, try our 90 Days to Save Your Marriage email series.  Maybe you need to shift how you're viewing your marriage and your spouse. Our Reframing Challenge can help! Want an opportunity to dig into God's Word with your spouse? Find Awesome Marriage on YouVersion. This plan is specifically for struggling marriages: One Foot Out the Door If you haven't browsed our site, you've GOT to check out the marriage resources we have over at AwesomeMarriage.com, and browse our online courses at AwesomeMarriageUniversity.com !  Be the first to hear about all things Awesome Marriage, receive monthly bonus content straight from Dr. Kim and Mrs. Nancy, and take advantage of big discounts by becoming a Marriage Changer!