Sam's Healing Podcast

If I didn't cause the affair, why am I the one who has to do all this work to heal from it? That's a fair question. You didn't choose the betrayal. You didn't choose the lies, the loss of safety, or having the life you thought you had suddenly blown apart. So why should you have to change? Lauren LaRusso and I get into that question in this episode, because there's an important distinction here: Doing your own healing does NOT mean taking responsibility for someone else's infidelity. It doesn't excuse what they did. It doesn't make the affair okay. And it doesn't let the unfaithful partner off the hook. Your healing is about YOU. Lauren is a licensed psychotherapist, infidelity expert, author, and betrayed spouse herself. She knows what it's like to want the life you had before discovery back — and to eventually realize that after betrayal, there really is no going back to exactly what was. So what do you do with that? In this episode, we talk about: • Why wanting your old relationship back can actually be part of grieving what you lost • Why the betrayed partner can get stuck waiting for the unfaithful partner to "fix" everything • Why chasing certainty after infidelity will keep you spinning — and why safety and stability matter more • What rebuilding self-trust actually looks like after someone you trusted became a stranger • Why the unfaithful partner has to learn to tolerate discomfort instead of asking the betrayed partner to make things easier for them • Why accountability means more than saying you're sorry — the unfaithful has to be willing to go first and do the work One of the things Lauren says in this conversation really matters: You didn't choose what happened to you. But you do get to choose what you do with it. And that's not about turning betrayal into some kind of gift. We're never going to tell you to be thankful you were cheated on. It's about getting to a place where what someone else did no longer gets to decide who you become. For the betrayed, that may mean rebuilding your relationship with yourself, learning to trust your own judgment again, grieving what's gone, and creating safety inside yourself. For the unfaithful, it means humility. Empathy. Accountability. Learning how to sit in discomfort without expecting the person you hurt to rescue you from it. Because if you want to rebuild trust after infidelity, your betrayed partner shouldn't have to drag you through your own recovery. Lauren's new book, Beyond Infidelity: How to Turn the End of Your Relationship Into the Beginning of Your Life, was written from both her professional experience and her own experience as a betrayed spouse. Learn more about Lauren, her work, and Beyond Infidelity here: https://www.laurenlarusso.com/ If you're dealing with infidelity, betrayal trauma, affair recovery, rebuilding trust, or trying to understand what healing after betrayal actually looks like, subscribe to Sam's Healing Podcast. And check out more episodes for honest conversations about the betrayed experience, the unfaithful experience, accountability, trust, forgiveness, and what it actually takes to recover after infidelity.

How can someone say they love you… and still cheat on you? That's one of those questions that can keep a betrayed partner spinning for a very long time. Because if they loved me, why would they do this? Was I not enough? Was something missing in our marriage? Were they unhappy and I just didn't see it? And when they tell you, "I don't know why I did it," that answer can make the betrayal feel even harder to understand. In Episode 80, I'm joined by Amanda Asproni to talk about what may be happening underneath some of those behaviors. Amanda specializes in complex trauma, betrayal trauma, infidelity, compulsive sexual behavior, developmental trauma and relationship intimacy. And in this conversation, we get into something I think is incredibly important for both the betrayed and the unfaithful to understand: trauma reenactment. Sometimes the behavior we see in adulthood didn't begin in the marriage. Old wounds around abandonment, powerlessness, neglect, abuse, attachment and not feeling seen or heard can follow us into our adult relationships. And if those wounds are never dealt with, they can start showing up in ways we don't always recognize. In this episode, we talk about: Why someone can love their spouse and still make choices that completely destroy trust Why some unfaithful partners genuinely struggle to answer, "Why did you cheat?" How unresolved childhood trauma can get replayed inside an adult relationship Why resentment, powerlessness, emotional withdrawal and compulsive behavior can be connected to much older wounds How affairs or other acting-out behaviors can become a way of escaping feelings someone doesn't know how to deal with Why understanding the deeper "why" does not mean excusing infidelity How betrayed partners can begin separating their spouse's choices from their own worth Why saying "I'll never do it again" isn't enough if the underlying pattern is never understood And we talk about something the betrayed partner desperately needs to hear: Understanding why someone cheated does not mean excusing what they did. They are still responsible for their choices. But understanding the deeper "why" can help the unfaithful partner stop giving surface-level answers — and it can help the betrayed partner begin separating their spouse's choices from their own worth. Because after betrayal, it is so easy to turn everything inward. What was wrong with me? What did they have that I didn't? Why wasn't I enough? But sometimes what happened has much less to do with your value as a partner and much more to do with wounds and patterns your spouse brought into the relationship long before you ever entered the picture. That doesn't take away the pain. But it may help you begin to understand it differently. If you've been trying to make sense of infidelity, betrayal trauma, repeated affairs, compulsive behavior or the confusing actions of an unfaithful partner, I think this conversation will give you a lot to think about. Listen to my full conversation with Amanda Asproni. You can learn more about Amanda and her work here: Website: https://www.healingaffairscounseling.com Email: [email protected] If this episode has helped you feel a little less alone in your healing, subscribe and check out the other conversations here on the channel. There's a lot about betrayal that doesn't make sense at first. Sometimes understanding the "why" is part of figuring out what comes next.

Today Melissa Elguera returns to the podcast for a conversation around one of the most painful questions betrayed partners can carry after infidelity: Did my partner actually love the affair partner? When you've seen the messages, heard what was said, or learned how deep the affair went, hearing "it didn't mean anything" can be incredibly hard to understand. In this episode, Melissa and I talk about: Why an unfaithful partner may become attached to how the affair makes them feel, rather than simply the affair partner themselves The role of escapism, avoidance, shame, dissociation, and emotional immaturity in infidelity Why betrayed partners naturally try to make sense of the affair through thoughts like "I wasn't enough," "I didn't matter," or "they chose someone else over me" What Melissa calls "meaning making" and how betrayal can connect with older attachment wounds, abandonment fears, and beliefs about your worth How to begin depersonalizing betrayal without excusing the choices that were made Why betrayed partners can become consumed with messages, timelines, sexual details, and other pieces of the affair The grief that often sits underneath the need to understand every detail Why healing may require grieving the loss of safety, trust, innocence, and the relationship you thought you had What the unfaithful partner needs to understand about validation, defensiveness, and being willing to sit with the pain they caused How both betrayed and unfaithful partners can begin moving out of survival patterns and into deeper healing Melissa also shares from her own experience with betrayal and the painful question she had to work through: "Did I matter enough for you to be faithful to me?" We talk about how someone can love you and still make choices that deeply wound you—and why their behavior does not determine your value. Understanding the deeper reasons behind betrayal does not make betrayal okay. It does not remove accountability. And it does not mean the betrayed partner should simply stop hurting. But understanding what happened can sometimes help you separate another person's destructive choices from what you believe those choices say about you. If you've been betrayed, your life can be rebuilt. If you've been unfaithful, what you did does not have to become your identity. Healing requires honesty, courage, grief, accountability, and a willingness to stop running from what hurts. Remember, you can heal and you can find new life.   To Work With or Learn More About Melissa Elguera:  Website: https://identitylife.coach/what-is-coaching  Instagram — https://www.instagram.com/identity.life.coach  TikTok — https://www.tiktok.com/@identitylife.coach    Melissa Elguera Trauma & Somatic Healing Coach Master Certified Life Coach Certified Coach & Supervisor for Character Formation Coaching   To Healing, Sam [email protected]

Betrayal is already painful. Doing it alone makes it heavier. For many betrayed men, infidelity doesn't just hurt the relationship. It hits confidence, identity, self-worth, masculinity, and the way you see yourself. On this episode of Sam's Healing Podcast, Sam sits down with his good friend Adam Nisenson, The Betrayal Shrink. Adam specializes in helping men navigate betrayal trauma, infidelity, and recovery. He also brings something you can't learn from a textbook: he's been a betrayed partner himself. Together, we talk about why betrayal can become such an isolating experience for men—and what happens when you're left alone with your own thoughts for too long. Your mind can become an echo chamber. Was I not enough? Was I not attractive enough? Successful enough? Good enough? Adam describes this as "betrayal dysmorphia"—when someone else's choices begin changing the way you see yourself. And the longer those thoughts stay hidden, the louder the shame can become. That's why brotherhood matters. Sometimes one of the most powerful things a betrayed man can hear from another man is simply: "Me too." Not because it takes the pain away, but because suddenly you realize you're not crazy, you're not the only one, and you don't have to keep carrying everything by yourself. We talk about vulnerability, shame, intrusive thoughts, self-worth, accountability, and why real brotherhood isn't just about validating your pain. It's also having men around you who will challenge you, support you, and help you move forward. Because healing isn't about building your identity around being betrayed. It's about finding yourself again. In this episode, we discuss: • Why betrayal can feel so isolating for men • The "echo chamber" created by shame and intrusive thoughts • How betrayal can distort confidence and self-worth • Adam's concept of "betrayal dysmorphia" • Why vulnerability and being witnessed matter • The difference between support and simply commiserating • How brotherhood can help you heal, grow, and move forward ABOUT BROTHERHOOD N' BETRAYAL We're also announcing Brotherhood N' Betrayal, a men's healing retreat for those who have been cheated on.   📅 January 22–24, 2027 📍 Inn Cahoots | Austin, Texas   This is a growth-focused weekend for betrayed men to connect, learn, heal, and do the work alongside other men who understand. This isn't about sitting around bashing partners or staying stuck in what happened. It's about you doing your work, rebuilding self-trust, finding brotherhood, and deciding what kind of man you want to be moving forward. Complete your registration by November 1, 2026 and save $250. Space is intentionally limited.   For full retreat details and registration, visit: Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.samshealingpodcast.com The Betrayal Shrink: https://www.betrayalshrink.com/brotherhood-n-betrayal   You don't have to let silence win. And you don't have to do this alone.

After infidelity and divorce, you don't just lose your marriage. You lose yourself. You lose trust in your judgment. You lose faith in your ability to see the truth. You lose the person you thought you were. And that's the hardest betrayal of all. When Dana Killion discovered her husband had been living a secret life after 25 years of marriage to a high-functioning alcoholic, she didn't just face divorce. She had to rebuild trust in herself from the ground up. And she's here to show you exactly how. This isn't about saving the marriage. This is about saving YOU. About Dana Killion: Dana Killion is the author of Becoming Unbreakable: A Big Sister's Guide to Trauma—the practical roadmap for anyone healing from infidelity, divorce, and loss. Her book teaches you how to rebuild trust in yourself after betrayal, break free from cycles of trauma, and reclaim your identity. Dana didn't just survive infidelity recovery. She transformed her pain into a guide that helps thousands heal from divorce trauma and betrayal. PREORDER NOW: Becoming Unbreakable: A Big Sister's Guide to Trauma is available for preorder and launches September 10, 2026. In this episode, Dana teaches you how to heal from infidelity and rebuild trust: Why rebuilding trust in yourself is more important than rebuilding trust with your partner—and how to do it How to heal from infidelity when you feel like you "should have known"—the self-blame trap The real difference between healing from divorce and staying stuck in betrayal trauma Practical tools for rebuilding your identity after infidelity shatters who you thought you were Why your nervous system is still in shock after betrayal—and what to do about it How to stop asking "Why didn't I see it?" and start asking "Who am I becoming?" Breaking free from the cycles that keep people stuck in infidelity recovery for years What real healing from divorce looks like, step by step If you've discovered infidelity, you need to hear this. You weren't stupid. You weren't blind. You trusted because you're a trusting person—and that is not a flaw. That is your goodness. Healing from infidelity and divorce doesn't start with forgiving him. It starts with forgiving yourself. And Dana shows you exactly how to rebuild trust in yourself so you can move forward—whether that's rebuilding your marriage or building a beautiful new life. "Betrayal doesn't break your marriage. It breaks your reality. But here's what they don't tell you: it can also rebuild you." — Dana Killion If you're navigating infidelity recovery, divorce healing, betrayal trauma, or loss, this episode on how to heal after betrayal is for you. There is a way through. Samuel   Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/samuel_healing Website www.samshealingpodcast.com Email: [email protected]   Connect with Dana Killion: Website: https://www.danakillion.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dana_killion_author Book: Becoming Unbreakable: A Big Sister's Guide to Trauma Preorder: https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Unbreakable-Sisters-Guide-Trauma ** Available September 10, 2026