Why aren’t we talking about this

I seem to have two camps of friends. Broadly, there are the ones who’ve been in very long-term relationships, and then there are the ones who’ve recently become single and seem to be on this amazing mission to rediscover themselves. They’re trying things, changing their minds, getting curious and, quite frankly, looking like they’re having a lot of fun. Permission to change. Permission to discover that what you wanted at 25 might not be what you want at 41 or even more so, permission to admit that you don’t actually know what you want yet, and shock horror, this is ok. I think a lot of us are pretty good at asking for what we want in most areas of our lives, yet when it comes to intimacy and long-term relationships, suddenly the stakes feel much higher. You don’t want to upset the applecart. You don’t want your partner to hear “I want something different” as “you’ve been doing something wrong.” So sometimes it feels easier not to say anything at all. In today’s episode of Why Aren’t We Talking About This? I’m joined by Ally Iseman, founder of Passport 2 Pleasure, to talk about intimacy, pleasure and learning how to ask for what you want. We talk about why having intimacy and enjoying intimacy are not necessarily the same thing, why relationships can become something we think we’ve “arrived at” rather than something that keeps evolving, how to bring curiosity and novelty back into a long-term relationship, and why getting more comfortable expressing what you want can change far more than just your relationship. One of the things Ally said that has really stayed with me was: “What you work on in the bedroom impacts the boardroom.” This conversation isn’t really only about intimacy at all. It’s about becoming more comfortable with who you are, what you want, and taking up a little more space in saying it. Contact Ally at https://www.passport2pleasure.com/ —— Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should - big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school?

For most of us, psychedelics come with a lot of baggage. Drugs. Hippies. Bad trips. Losing control. Yet, there’s another conversation happening around them. One about perspective, identity, creativity, connection and what can happen when the patterns we’ve spent years living inside suddenly become a little less fixed. In this episode I’m joined by Nasreen El-Mariesh, transformational coach, certified Psychedelic Integration Coach and co-founder of Women are the Medicine. Naz works with women around empowerment, relationships and the conditioning and patterns that can keep us stuck, bringing together psychedelic integration, somatic work, coaching and spirituality. She came to this work through her own experiences with both microdosing and larger psychedelic journeys, before training with the Psychedelic Coaching Institute. We talk about what psychedelics actually are, the difference between microdosing and a psychedelic journey, why integration matters, and why so many women seem to be becoming curious about them in midlife. Underneath all of that, this is really a conversation about control. The stories we tell ourselves, the patterns we keep repeating, the fear of what we might find if we look underneath them and the slightly terrifying possibility that sometimes the thing getting in our way might be us. Whether you’re already curious, deeply sceptical, or currently thinking absolutely fucking not, this one is for you. Find Naz Website: https://www.nasreenel-mariesh.com/ Women are the Medicine / Deep Dive Retreat, 12–16 October: https://www.womenarethemedicine.co/our-next-retreat Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/nasreen_elmariesh Resources mentioned Naz’s free microdosing guide: https://www.womenarethemedicine.co/md-guide A Really Good Day — Ayelet Waldman How to Change Your Mind — Michael Pollan A note on this episode This is a conversation about psychedelics, personal experience and curiosity, not medical advice or a recommendation to take them. Psychedelics can carry risks, may interact with medication or existing health conditions, and their legal status varies depending on the substance and where you are. If you’re considering exploring them, please do your own research and seek appropriate professional advice.   —— Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should - big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school?

“Enjoy your break.” It’s such a normal thing to say to someone going on maternity leave, except maternity leave isn’t really a break at all. It’s a period of enormous change, and underneath all the excitement there can be a much messier set of feelings we don’t talk about nearly enough. Will my job still be there when I get back? What if my maternity cover is better than me? Will I still be good at what I do? Then the baby arrives and somehow there’s another pressure: to be good at this too. To make the most of maternity leave, be present, read the books, make the puréed carrots and perhaps emerge at the end having started a business. I realised during this conversation that I spent far too much of my own maternity leave trying to win maternity leave. In today’s episode of Why Aren’t We Talking About This? I’m joined by Becca Hamilton, who is currently on her third maternity leave and has also supported lots of women through theirs. We talk about the fear of being replaced, the pressure to prove that becoming a mother hasn’t made you less capable, the reality of returning to work when you’re sleep deprived and not quite the same person who left, and why maybe we need to stop treating maternity leave as an interruption you simply come back from. Because you haven’t just had some time off. Something enormous has happened to your life, your identity, your relationships and your sense of who you are. Maybe instead of expecting women to slot neatly back in, we need to give them a bit more grace to be human. —— Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should - big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school?

There’s something slightly uncomfortable about saying, out loud, that you want more. More money. More success. More adventure. A bigger business. A bigger life. Because surely we should be grateful for what we already have? I realised during this conversation how often I’ve downplayed things I desperately wanted because I didn’t want to seem greedy, ungrateful or a bit too big for my boots. But maybe wanting more doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with what you already have, maybe you just want more. In today’s episode of Why Aren’t We Talking About This? I’m joined by Nadia Patel to talk about ambition, why women still feel so uncomfortable owning what they want and what Nadia calls “identity lag”, when who you’ve become has outgrown the person you still think you are. We talk about relationships, money, success, fear of judgement and why a big life doesn’t necessarily mean a bigger career. Maybe it’s more fun, freedom, peace, connection or adventure. Maybe the real question isn’t whether we’re allowed to want more, but whether we’ve ever actually stopped to ask ourselves what more means to us. —— Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should - big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school?

We spend a lot of our lives learning how to be good at things. We learn how to do our jobs, manage our money, raise children, cook, exercise, communicate better, sleep better. There is a book, podcast, course or expert ready to teach us pretty much anything we could possibly want to know. Sex, though? Apparently we’re just supposed to know. We get taught the mechanics at school. We absorb the rest from films, porn, previous partners and whatever we manage to piece together along the way. Then we get into long-term relationships and somehow expect two people, carrying completely different ideas about what sex is supposed to look like, to magically understand what the other wants. I’ve been with my husband for more than 20 years and even I realised during this conversation that there were things I had never told him. Things I thought about my body. Things that took me out of the moment. Things he couldn’t possibly have known because, despite apparently expecting him to understand them, I had never actually said them out loud. Which made me wonder how much pleasure we’re all missing out on simply because we don’t talk about it. In today’s episode of Why Aren’t We Talking About This? I’m joined by sex educator and coach Ruth Ramsay to talk about pleasure, desire and the completely unrealistic scripts we’ve inherited about sex. We get into why desire doesn’t always just appear, why putting intimacy in the diary might actually make your sex life more spontaneous, the things men and women are too embarrassed to admit they want, body shame, sexual compatibility and why after years of sleeping next to someone, you can still have absolutely no idea what is going on inside their head. Better sex starts with actually talking about it. Check out Ruth www.ruthramsay.com Ruth’s Ted Talk: How to revamp your sex life in 6 minutes (watched by 3.4million people) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-3CANRKuAM   —— Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should - big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school?