Differentiated Love and Sex

Work with us:*Jackie Aston, Psychotherapist & Relationship Coach → http://www.candgtherapy.com*Catherine Roebuck, Relationship Coach → http://www.catherineroebuck.comIf you’re the one who keeps ending up loud and furious while your partner sits back looking relaxed and sensible, this one might hit close to home. When only one person looks like they’re losing it, it’s easy for everyone, including us, to miss how both people are keeping the fight going.In this episode:Jackie and Catherine react to clips of Michael and Michal from Couples Therapy, a couple who seem angry with each other and also seem to enjoy the fightWhy trying to make a partner feel bad enough to change usually backfires, and how many of us learned that strategy growing upHow a calm, laid-back partner can quietly stoke the fire with offhand comments that sound reasonable but have nothing behind themThe “false pictures” both partners put forward, and what Dr. Orna’s two-hour assignment asks of someone who over-functionsWhy the partner who is hurting more is often the one who has to shift first, even when they already feel like they’re doing everythingThis push and pull is something Jackie and Catherine see often with couples. If it’s landing for you, they offer a free 15-minute consultation to talk about what working on it could look like in your relationship.Chapters:00:00 What this couple is co-creating01:24 Intro: Michael and Michal from Couples Therapy02:26 “If my partner were just different”04:10 Why they both seem to enjoy the fight07:05 What “just support me” is really asking for09:58 Over-functioning in real time11:37 Picking a partner who has what we lack13:38 Each partner is tracking something real16:08 Trying to make a partner feel bad enough to change17:47 Does being provoked actually get him moving?21:43 False pictures on both sides26:11 Dr. Orna’s intervention29:23 The calm partner who keeps stoking the fire31:51 Where his pattern might come from35:00 A parent and child dynamic38:42 The two-hour assignment41:21 What each partner needs to face45:35 How this might show up in their sex life46:57 Why she may need to go first49:50 Not taking the baitTo learn more about Jackie and Catherine’s therapy and coaching services, and the work they do with individuals and couples, be sure to check out their website.https://www.differentiatedlove.com/https://www.candgtherapy.com/https://www.catherineroebuck.com/Music: Echoes by Roa / roa_music1031License: Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0Free Download / Stream: https://audiolibrary.com.co/roa-music/echoesMusic promoted by Audio Library: • Happy Electronic Music for Summer

Work with us:*Jackie Aston, Psychotherapist & Relationship Coach → www.candgtherapy.com *Catherine Roebuck, Relationship Coach → www.catherineroebuck.comIn this episode, Jackie and Catherine discuss the ways that escaping challenges through distraction are counterproductive for individuals and their relationships.What this episode covers:- Why escapism isn't a problem in itself, but becomes one when it replaces facing what actually needs to happen- The counterintuitive truth that anxiety has to go up before it goes down, and why avoiding that spike keeps a problem exactly the same size or bigger- How one partner's escapism can quietly become the other partner's overfunctioning, and how resentment builds on both sides of that split- Why affairs function as a distraction from what's actually hard about a committed relationship, rather than evidence about what a person truly wants- How to ask a distracted partner for what you actually want, instead of a list of complaints they'll find easy to tune out- Why self-trust gets built or eroded in these small moments of following through, or not, on what we said we'd faceFree consultation| Substack | PodcastChapters00:00 Escaping instead of facing what's hard01:31 Welcome and introductions02:06 Today's topic: escapism in relationships03:49 When stepping away becomes avoidance05:07 The many forms escapism takes06:47 The real test: do you have a plan to face it09:15 Building self-trust by following through11:10 Facing uncertainty instead of distracting from it14:08 Why anxiety has to rise before it falls16:02 The cold pool analogy19:06 Turning "what if" into a real question21:53 Building self-trust step by step26:16 How escapism impacts a partner27:36 The football example and overfunctioning33:18 Affairs as escapism39:16 Getting a real answer without messing with the data41:14 What to do when your partner is distracted44:00 Getting specific about what you actually want48:24 Fairness and showing up for each otherTo learn more about Jackie and Catherine's therapy and coaching services, and the work they do with individuals and couples, be sure to check out their website.https://www.differentiatedlove.com/https://www.candgtherapy.com/https://www.catherineroebuck.com/Music: Echoes by Roa https://soundcloud.com/roa_music1031License: Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0Free Download / Stream: https://audiolibrary.com.co/roa-music/echoesMusic promoted by Audio Library: https://youtu.be/HCXJxHIkH8w

Work with us:*Jackie Aston, Psychotherapist & Relationship Coach → www.candgtherapy.com *Catherine Roebuck, Relationship Coach → www.catherineroebuck.comWhat this episode covers:- Jackie's own experience being pregnant with her third child, and what feels different emotionally this time compared to her first- Why constantly finding another task to prepare for the baby can keep anxiety circling rather than resolve it, and what presence and connection actually offer instead- The ongoing work of advocating for yourself with medical providers during pregnancy, postpartum, and delivery, including how differently Jackie was treated traveling in France- What it actually looks like to support a friend or partner through postpartum, from concrete offers like folding laundry to directly checking in about mood and safetyThis is the kind of transition Jackie and Catherine work through with clients often, both the emotional adjustment of pregnancy and postpartum and the relationship dynamics that come with it. If any of this is resonating, they offer a free 15-minute consultation to talk about what support could look like for you.Free consultation | Substack | PodcastChapters00:00 Intro01:20 Welcome to the podcast01:37 Being pregnant and differentiated03:26 What's different this pregnancy versus the last05:06 Asking for help and letting people show up05:57 Advocating with medical providers08:29 Planning for postpartum in advance09:22 Postpartum support groups and community11:39 Pregnancy care in France versus the US13:26 Postpartum depression and getting support lined up18:40 What matters in the couple's relationship during pregnancy20:04 Connecting sexually with physical limitations21:32 Anxiety, to-do lists, and presence24:18 Preparing older kids for a new sibling27:57 Body image during pregnancy29:29 How to support a friend through postpartum36:56 Advocating for yourself in the hospital and during birth44:35 Bringing a therapist or coach into the processTo learn more about Jackie and Catherine's therapy and coaching services, and the work they do with individuals and couples, be sure to check out their website.https://www.differentiatedlove.com/https://www.candgtherapy.com/https://www.catherineroebuck.com/Music: Echoes by Roa https://soundcloud.com/roa_music1031License: Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0Free Download / Stream: https://audiolibrary.com.co/roa-music/echoesMusic promoted by Audio Library: https://youtu.be/HCXJxHIkH8w

Maybe it's a parent who'll pay for something, but only if you do it their way. Maybe it's a partner who plans the date but expects sex afterward. A lot of us have accepted help or love that came with quiet conditions, and only later noticed what we gave up to keep it.What this episode covers:- The difference between an honest request ("it would mean a lot if you'd join us") and an offer with strings attached- Why accepting conditional support, even when you're getting something you want, can cost you your own functioning over time- What it looks like when a relationship runs on control instead of love, and why that distinction matters even when the control is subtle or unspoken- The golden child position in a family, and why it's often the hardest one to grow out of because there's so much conditional support to lose- Why generosity that doesn't need a guarantee is different from a transactional exchange, and what that difference actually does for closenessThis is a pattern Jackie and Catherine see often in their work with clients, whether it's showing up with family, a partner, or both. If this is resonating, they offer a free 15-minute consultation to talk about what it could look like to work through it in your own relationships.Free consultation: https://www.differentiatedlove.com/contact | Substack: https://differentiatedlove.substack.com?utm_source=navbar&utm_medium=web | Podcast: https://pod.link/1884143784?view=apps&sort=popularityChapters00:00 Using someone to get what you want isn't love01:02 Welcome and introductions01:52 What strings attached offers look like04:12 The wedding dress example06:05 Staying in a dependent position11:51 Golden child dynamics in families14:47 The affair and the necklace: covert strings17:21 Household roles and unspoken conditions19:42 Strings attached around sex and date night23:24 How transactional patterns wire into the brain26:39 The difference between reciprocity and strings attached29:01 Golden child vs. scapegoat and differentiation36:00 The vulnerability of unconditional love40:52 What this costs, on both sidesTo learn more about Jackie and Catherine's therapy and coaching services, and the work they do with individuals and couples, be sure to check out their website.https://www.differentiatedlove.com/https://www.candgtherapy.com/https://www.catherineroebuck.com/Music: Echoes by Roa https://soundcloud.com/roa_music1031License: Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0Free Download / Stream: https://audiolibrary.com.co/roa-music/echoesMusic promoted by Audio Library: https://youtu.be/HCXJxHIkH8w

Jackie and Catherine use the story of Chris and Sienna from Couples' Therapy to discuss infidelity, why partners are unfaithful, and why partners don't catch it sooner.What this episode covers:- Jackie and Catherine break down a real couples therapy clip featuring Chris and Sienna, working through his infidelity and the pattern underneath it- Why one partner doing all the pursuing, decoding, and caretaking can hold a relationship in balance, even when it's costing her- How Chris deflects ownership of the affair by making the conversation about whether he's "a bad person," and why that move works on his wife- What it looks like when someone seems open while controlling exactly what gets revealed and what stays hidden- Why going through a partner's phone doesn't resolve the actual problem, and what does determine whether a relationship like this changesThis pattern of one partner overfunctioning to hold a relationship together, chasing answers, managing the other person's moods, doing the emotional work for both of them, is something Jackie and Catherine see often in their work with clients. If it's landing for you, they offer a free 15-minute consultation to talk through what shifting it could look like.Free consultation | Substack | PodcastChapters:00:00 Is he really feeling what he's showing?01:16 Introducing the clip: Chris and Sienna03:28 How Chris tells the story of the affair04:07 The disconnection in how he owns it06:56 Minimizing what the "cuddling" actually was08:17 Why turn outside the marriage at all12:52 Reading his flat affect against her anger14:00 Making it about whether he's "a bad person"16:02 Sienna's sudden shift into dissociation20:47 The pattern in who he pursued22:35 Validation, dominance, and control26:28 Her role as the one who understands him28:14 The wife's collusion and the "dead shark face"31:11 A boundaryless partner and the appeal of the chase34:43 Cuddling service or cover story37:39 Why searching his phone doesn't solve it39:42 Why didn't I leave41:02 What she can do about her own shrinking42:21 Getting him to own more than he's offering45:04 Overfunctioning for the relationshipTo learn more about Jackie and Catherine's therapy and coaching services, and the work they do with individuals and couples, be sure to check out their website.https://www.differentiatedlove.com/https://www.candgtherapy.com/https://www.catherineroebuck.com/Music: Echoes by Roa https://soundcloud.com/roa_music1031License: Creative Commons — Attribution 3.0 Unported — CC BY 3.0Free Download / Stream: https://audiolibrary.com.co/roa-music/echoesMusic promoted by Audio Library: https://youtu.be/HCXJxHIkH8w