Unfilter Caregiver

If you ended up on a ventilator tomorrow, would your family know what you want? Connie, a social worker with about 20 years in healthcare, including home health and hospice, says that conversation should start at 18, and she had it with each of her own kids. She explains what an advance healthcare directive does and who California puts in charge when you don't have one. She also covers how hard it gets when a patient has no reachable family at all.Lindsay shares the accident that left her father intubated in a coma and the decision she and her brother made three days later, based on what he had told them he wanted. From there the two get into siblings who aren't speaking, parents with dementia who still insist on independence, and families in hospice who can't accept what's happening. Connie closes with the POLST form and how to update a directive you signed decades ago.00:00 Intro and Meet Connie01:10 What an Advance Healthcare Directive Is and Why to Start at 1802:51 Lindsay's Father and the Decision to Honor His Wishes04:39 Who Decides for You in California Without a Directive06:42 Family Conflict, the Holidays, and Getting on the Same Page09:41 Dementia, Independence, and Stepping In as the Advocate13:14 POLST and Do Not Resuscitate Forms, Plus Updating an Old Directive15:38 Final ThoughtsAn advance healthcare directive is for every adult. Connie points to car accidents that leave young adults on machines with no record of what they wanted.In California, if there is no directive, the decision goes to your spouse first and then to your adult children. For people with no family nearby, tracking down relatives can stall care. Connie describes patients from England whose families had to be reached overseas.A directive on paper keeps medical decisions out of family arguments. Connie describes siblings who weren't speaking and were fighting over the house, while their mother's care was already settled by a directive she had signed three years earlier.The holidays put the whole family in one room, which makes them a practical time to agree on a loved one's care.When a parent has dementia, repeating "I want independence" doesn't mean they can still make safe decisions. Someone in the family has to become the advocate.A directive can be changed at any time. Connie compares it to life insurance: have something in place now and revise it as your life changes."You gotta tell people your wishes." (Connie)"We're not here forever and we have to at least have something in place." (Connie)"Death is scary, but it's also a part of life." (Lindsay)"Mom, it's our turn. It's our turn to take care of you." (Connie)"It's like life insurance. At least you have something in place." (Connie)If this episode got you thinking about your own paperwork, follow Unfilter Caregiver so you don't miss the next one. A rating and review helps other caregivers find the show. Share this episode on social media, or send it to the sibling or parent you need to have this conversation with.findinghomecare.netHave a question about advance directives, a reaction to this episode, or a topic you want covered? Send it in through findinghomecare.net and it may come up in a future episode.Timestamps and TopicsKey TakeawaysQuotesCall to ActionLinks and ResourcesListener Questions

Mourning Someone Who Is Still AliveMy mom was diagnosed at 52 and given eight months, so we knew by August she would be gone, and I spent every one of those days grieving her while she was still sitting across from me. She wrote me a journal before she died, and in it she told me I ruined some of her last holidays.This one is personal. I talk about the eight months between my mom's diagnosis in November and the August we were all counting toward, the baby blankets she made for grandchildren she would never meet, and the journals she left for each of us. I read what she wrote to me about the holidays I made miserable, and I have carried that ever since. I also compare it to losing my dad, which happened in a matter of days, and why watching someone disappear slowly was harder for me than the loss that came without warning. My co-host comes at it from the caregiver side, the client she had for a year who cycled on and off hospice, the photos and silly videos she still cherishes, and the families she has walked alongside who all cope in completely different ways. Some children want to be there constantly. Some need distance. Neither is wrong. We get into what it means that caregivers are often the ones present for the last month, picking out the outfit, hearing the music someone wants at their own funeral. I tell the story of my first client, six years with that family, and the tombstone they asked me to choose three weeks in. If you are grieving someone who is still here, this episode exists because we know that is real and we know it is hard.CHAPTERS0:00 What mourning someone who is still alive means0:30 My mom's diagnosis at 52 and an eight month countdown1:14 The journals, the baby blankets, and what she wrote to me1:55 It is not only terminal diagnoses that start this2:45 Losing my dad overnight versus watching my mom decline3:37 How caregivers support a family through that stretch4:05 A year with one client and the hospice cycle5:02 There is no right or wrong way to cope6:41 Six years with one family and picking out the tombstone7:23 Why we wanted to put words to thisKEY TAKEAWAYSGrieving someone before they die is common and it does not mean you love them less or gave up on them.A timeline turns ordinary holidays into last holidays, and that pressure changes how people show up at the table.This is not limited to terminal diagnoses. A dementia diagnosis or a progressive illness can start the same process.Coping looks different in every family. Some people hold it in, some let it out, some need distance, and none of that is a failure.Caregivers are often present for the final stretch, handling comfort, last wishes, and details families are too depleted to face.Take the pictures and the silly videos while you can. They become what you keep.QUOTES"I was watching my mom disappear for eight months." - Lindsay"Everybody has their own way of coping." - Lindsay"We know that you have to go through all of these last holidays and events." - Lindsay"There is no right and wrong." - Caro"As caregivers, we're usually the ones who are there." - CaroIf this episode put words to something you are carrying, share it with someone who is in it right now. We are here to educate, have some fun, and answer the questions about the senior arena that are hard to ask anywhere else. #AnticipatoryGriefWebsite: findinghomecare.netCompany: Finding Home Care LLCListen: Spotify and Apple PodcastsLISTENER QUESTIONSHave you found yourself grieving someone who is still here, and what helped you carry it?If you are a caregiver, what is the moment with a client you still think about? 1

What To Do When The Hospital Wants To Discharge You Too SoonA client of mine had hip surgery at 7 a.m., a blood transfusion that afternoon, and by 9 p.m. the hospital was telling us there was no bed for her and she needed to move to a facility. She only stayed because she had three advocates in her corner, and this episode is about what those advocates actually do.Frank asks me how the discharge process really works, and I walk through it start to finish: the social worker conversation after surgery, how your insurance narrows which rehab facilities you can even choose from, and what happens when nobody in the room is asking questions on your behalf. I talk about a woman who called me the day before her surgery because the hospital had just told her she could not have the procedure unless someone was going home with her, with no warning and no plan. I get into picking a facility, why a five star rating can turn into a three star experience once you see the room, and how I got a client moved to a better roommate situation by going straight to the facility social worker. And I share the time we fought to keep a client in the ICU for eight days because her heart condition mattered more than the hip she came in for. Some of this you can prepare for. Some of it happens in a second at the beach with a broken foot and an ambulance ride. Either way, the people who do best are the ones who walk in with their questions written down.CHAPTERS0:00 Welcome and the question about early discharge0:27 Hip surgery, a blood transfusion, and a 9 p.m. discharge push1:32 How the discharge process actually works2:21 A client calls the day before her surgery with no plan3:21 What makes someone a good advocate4:07 Choosing a rehab facility and what star ratings hide5:04 The roommate problem and how we fixed it8:35 Three questions to ask before you are discharged10:07 Eight days in the ICU and why we pushed for it12:45 Write your questions down and send yours inKEY TAKEAWAYSAfter surgery you will talk to a social worker and a discharge planner. Their job includes freeing that bed, so know that going in.If you have a caregiver, family member, or agency to go home with, home is usually an option. If not, your insurance decides which rehab facilities are on your list.An advocate does not need medical training. They need to be willing to ask the doctor and the nurse direct questions while you are still groggy.Ask how many days you are expected to stay, when you are being discharged, and what has to happen before you can go home or to rehab.A high star rating does not guarantee a private room or a quiet one. Once you are in the building, the facility social worker is who you talk to about changing it.You can advocate to stay longer when a second condition is the real concern, but it depends on the discharge planner and how full the hospital is that week.QUOTES"How could she have surgery on her hip, a blood transfusion, and you want to move her from the hospital to a facility?" - Lindsay"When you're in a hospital and being discharged, it can go awry within five seconds." - Lindsay"I think they need to know how to ask the right questions." - Lindsay"How many days do you think I will be here? Because that's going to give the person your advocate time to find care for you." - Lindsay"Don't let them just tell you where you're leaving." - LindsayIf this one gave you language for your next hospital conversation, send it to someone with a surgery on the calendar. Questions about home health care, hospital stays, discharge, or hospice go straight into the show. #HospitalDischargeWebsite: findinghomecare.netCompany: Finding Home Care LLC, over 151 five star reviewsListen: Spotify and Apple, new episodes every two weeksLISTENER QUESTIONSWhat is the one question you wish you had asked before you or a family member left the hospital?If you live alone, who is on your list to call the day before a scheduled surgery?

At 25 years old, Lindsay walked into her family's Del Mar home expecting a normal Friday night dinner and instead learned her mother had pancreatic cancer and a year to live. In this deeply personal episode of Unfilter Caregiver, Lindsay steps away from client stories to share her own.She recounts the night the news landed, the connection between her family's Ashkenazi Jewish heritage and the BRCA gene, and the remarkable ways her mother prepared the family for what was coming, from handmade baby blankets to journals written during her final months. Lindsay is honest about the guilt, the "lasts," and the strain on her family, and she closes with hard-won advice for anyone facing a loved one's terminal diagnosis: reach out, find support, and know you can get through it.00:00 Intro: why this week's episode is personal00:31 The Friday night the family got the news02:20 Hearing the diagnosis: pancreatic cancer and a year to live02:57 Ashkenazi Jewish heritage and the BRCA gene04:28 The final year: how Lindsay's mom prepared her family06:02 Grief, guilt, and the weight of every "last" holiday07:08 Why Lindsay is sharing her story now08:14 Advice for families facing a terminal diagnosisA devastating diagnosis can come out of nowhere, even for someone who seems perfectly healthy — Lindsay's mom was a vegetarian who ran five miles every morning.Ashkenazi Jewish families carry a higher risk of the BRCA gene, which is linked to breast, colon, and pancreatic cancers. Genetic testing exists today that wasn't available 28 years ago, and testing is a personal choice either way.Preparing loved ones matters. Lindsay's mother made baby blankets for future grandchildren and kept journals of her thoughts during her final year, gifts her family still holds onto.Grief can make you hard to be around, and that's human. Lindsay is candid that her own anticipatory grief made her mom's final holidays harder, a regret she shares so others can recognize it in themselves.Friends who go quiet after a diagnosis usually aren't uncaring — they just don't know what to say. Don't hold it against them.Support exists: bereavement groups, counseling, churches, and temples. Lindsay's own father found healing (and eventually a new partner) through a bereavement group."It was like somebody hit me with 500 bricks in my face.""My mom prepared us for when she was going to die. She made baby blankets for my brother and me. She wrote us journals about every thought process while she was dying.""My mom was robbed of a life. My family was robbed of a life.""It's not that they don't love you or care. They just don't know how to deal with the situation when someone's sick.""I've been through some really hard times and I've conquered. And I want to tell you that you can conquer too."If this episode resonated with you, follow Unfilter Caregiver on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, leave a review, and share it with someone walking through a diagnosis or loss of their own. Your review helps other caregivers and families find the show.FindingHomeCare.net — Lindsay's concierge caregiver recruitment company, based in San Diego and serving families nationwide (144+ five-star reviews on Google)Have a question, a reaction, or a topic you'd like Lindsay to cover on a future episode? Send it in — your story might help someone else going through the same thing.

Bringing a parent or grandparent into your home is a decision millions of families face, often with almost no warning. This episode flips the format as editor Frank steps in front of the mic to interview Lindsay and Carl about what that choice really looks like, from the eye opening cost gap between in-home care and a facility bed to the practical work of keeping someone safe under your own roof.Lindsay breaks down the four levels of dementia and how a doctor helps pinpoint the care a loved one actually needs, while Carl covers home safety, preserving dignity, and giving seniors real say in their own space. They also dig into caregiver reprieve and why looking after yourself is not optional, the three questions every family should ask before hiring, and how to know when a caregiver simply is not the right fit. Lindsay closes with advice for the listener sitting in a hospital parking lot who just got news that changes everything.Timestamps and Topics00:00:00 Intro: Bringing a Parent or Grandparent Into Your Home00:00:56 In-Home Care vs. a Facility: The Real Cost Difference00:02:21 Assessing the Level of Care: Dementia Levels Explained00:05:47 Making Your Home Safe While Protecting Their Dignity00:08:05 Reprieve: Why Caregivers Have to Care for Themselves00:10:42 Three Questions to Ask When Hiring a Caregiver00:12:16 When It Is Time to Find a New Caregiver00:16:07 Final Advice for the Hospital Parking LotKey TakeawaysIn-home care often costs far less than a facility, where a memory care bed can run from 5,000 to 20,000 dollars a month, and even premium five star rooms are frequently shared.A neurologist can help place a loved one on the dementia scale from level one through four, which turns vague worry into a clear plan for the level of care needed.Small home changes make a big difference: grab bars in the bathroom, a shower chair, non-slip rugs, covered corners, and rearranged furniture for walkers and wheelchairs.Give seniors options and a voice in decisions. Feeling in control protects their dignity and lowers the frustration that comes with losing independence.Reprieve is essential. A family caregiver juggling a full time job needs at least an hour a day for themselves, because you cannot pour from an empty cup.Before hiring, ask three things: do they have the skill set for the specific ailment, do they have a clean Department of Justice background check, and do they have professional references you can actually call.Quotes"Take a deep breath. It's going to be okay." Lindsay"I don't want to just send a warm body. I want someone who understands the situation." Lindsay"You don't want to forget that you're still their loved one, not just the caregiver." Lindsay"Always give them options, so they feel like they're in control." Carl"If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of somebody else." Lindsay"Give a caregiver a week or two. They're walking into an environment they don't know either." LindsayCall to ActionIf this episode gave you something to hold onto, subscribe so you never miss a new one. Leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts and Spotify to help other families find the show, and share it with someone who is facing this decision right now. Tag us when you post using #GeekFreaksPodcast.Links and ResourcesUnfilter Caregiver is hosted by Lindsay of Finding Home Care. Learn more, read family reviews, and find care for your loved one at https://findinghomecare.net/Follow Ushttps://findinghomecare.net/Listener QuestionsCaring for an aging parent, or working as a caregiver yourself? We want to hear from you. Send in your questions, your own stories, or topics you would like Frank, Lindsay, and Carl to tackle in a future episode. Your reactions help shape where the show goes next.