Discovertcr! diaries - podcast
tcr! diaries - podcast

tcr! diaries - podcast

Author: tcr!

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The ebbs and flows of this alcoholic. It's all true. Sometimes I'm serious. Sometimes I'm not. The episodes tend to be short.
190 Episodes
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Content published: Feb 25, 2017 at 1:17 pm CST · podcast published: Feb 16, 2020 at 2:00 pm CST Just even admitting that I don’t know the whole story gives me a certain sense of relief. Mainly because history repeatedly shows that I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Staying away from conclusions and acting on delusions, just venting and hitting the cosmic pause, well that “whole story” is almost kinda irrelevant. And the interesting thing for me is that I can only get to the “it’s irrelevant” point after I feel those moments of silly hostility, where “I am right” even though I don’t have the full set of facts. I suppose, though, a small amount of fulfillment does come with being right but I need to remember that if I’m right that generally means that somebody else is wrong. Having winners and losers in life, meh. I’d rather just feel my stuff and move along. #protip #advancedsoul #diariespodcast Add a comment!   View original  
Content published: Dec 27, 2018 at 12:55 pm CST · podcast published: Feb 14, 2020 at 7:45 am CST Pro tip: be really good at accepting people’s help. As humans we can be fiercely independent critters but pride is irrelevant and unuseful. Wanna know why? You know that good feeling you get when you yourself extend your hand to help, for no other reason than you’re a good person? That warm fuzzy you get when you make the world not all about you? Don’t deprive someone else offering help that same kind of warm fuzzy feeling. It’ll make them feel good and very well may be the best part of their day. PS- my dictionaries are telling me that "unuseful" is not a word. They can go fuck themselves. 👍 #protip #helpwanted #diariespodcast Add a comment!   View original  
i'm hairless.mp3

i'm hairless.mp3

2020-02-09--:--:--

Content published: Aug 1, 2016 at 2:55 pm CST · podcast published: Feb 9, 2020 at 10:55 am CST Back in the late-ish 90s I met this somewhat homeless girl outside my apartment. She asked me if I could give her a ride up to the store and since it was on my way, sure no problem. She talked the entire ten minute trip, showed me page after page of thoughts she had written down. It was almost overwhelming — the sheer amount of creative lunacy she’d come up with. So the next day she was again outside my apartment when I came home and asked if she could come in while she waited for another ride. I was like, umm.. I don’t think so. Then she asked me if she could just wait in my car for her ride. That was fine I guess. When I left later that night she was gone.. whew. So the day after that I came out and she was sitting in my car with her notebooks and I was like, "lady you got to go." Anyways, I wrote this song based on things she said over the course of those three days. I changed the words somewhat so they’d rhyme and added some to flesh it out…but you’ll get the gist. Oh — and I’m not even kidding. Moon is washing out the lunacy. Glowing tides ignite my curiosity. Pocketful of nuts and no currency. Sharpening my knives oh so delicately. Lacerated my tent, HA! I’m hairless. Bliss of accelerated shady awareness. Couldn’t stay awake, a milky shake careless. Counseled my jury in all due fairness. Not a taste of guilt but I’m always suspicious. The trial’s finale: I’m victorious. Heightened my twitch to bitch vicious. Dimming your headlights is nutritious. Insufficient evidence is substantial. I’m Joplin but listen to me sing... Hmm mmm mmm. Hmm mmm mmm. Now then where was I going. Oh yes, insufficient evidence. Insufficient evidence is substantial. Knocked up the president. My visa needs canceled. Hmm mmm mmm. #tcrmusic #diariespodcast Add a comment!   View original  
Burnt part way down

Burnt part way down

2020-02-02--:--:--

Content published: Feb 9, 2017 at 4:21 pm CST · podcast published: Feb 2, 2020 at 10:40 am CST I had a dream last night that my neighbor's house caught on fire, burnt part way down. When I got home there were firetrucks and paramedics and a bunch of neighbors all standing around. My neighbor was sitting on her steps crying... As I was walking up all I could think about was "What about my house? Is it okay?" I guess I'm a pretty shitty person when I'm asleep. 🤔 #dreams #advancedsoul #diariespodcast Add a comment!   View original  
Get up and brush my teeth

Get up and brush my teeth

2020-01-26--:--:--

Content published: Jun 25, 2019 at 1:12 am CST · podcast published: Jan 26, 2020 at 3:40 pm CST I struggle in life more than I’d like to admit. I get frustrated when I need to tie my shoes. I’m restless just living. I do better when I’m around people but am prone to isolate. I never think about drinking anymore but will make myself sick on licorice. If I don’t have a big art project in the works I don’t feel complete. I’ll often burn through months building and then burn myself out with the pens and the paints. Then I’ll only want to play video games for weeks on end. I brush my teeth two to three times a day and then rinse with peroxide. And then use my water pick with three fingers of alcoholic mouthwash in the reservoir. I’m interested in thoroughness. I don’t like that I can never get the fan oscillation just right and will often wonder what I’m supposed to be doing in life. Because so far I feel like I get really close but the finish line is for those other guys. It’s like practicing for a play, memorizing all the lines, rehearsing every morning, afternoon, and night. And then when the curtains open only a few people have shown up. I put on Ludovico or Baroque or Stephen West so I can listen while falling asleep. Then I won’t think and will drift off to soothing piano keys and calming violins and communism. But I think anyway. I write notes like these in my phone. Sometimes they’re spiritual and fruity. Other times they’re not. The fan blows so loud I can’t hear the music. And then the cat jumps on me and I get up and brush my teeth again. I’m not even kidding. #photos #cats #thestruggleisreal #diariespodcast lovers.of.catsworld · Jun 25, 2019 at 1:24 am beautiful thewattsolak · Jun 25, 2019 at 6:00 am Yes yes yes yes. I hear you. fivewayrack · Jun 25, 2019 at 6:37 am If only I could put how I feel into words like you do. Botsford · Jun 25, 2019 at 9:35 am Seems crazy at first, but then thought provoking, my head can relate. tcr! · Jun 25, 2019 at 4:39 pm In follow-up news, I woke up with this. Apparently I offended the cat sometime in middle of the night. whittaker7221 · Jun 25, 2019 at 4:55 pm No wonder we’re in the same tribe! 🤣 tcr! · Jun 26, 2019 at 7:34 am I had my suspicions 😉 Add a comment!   View original  
Space drift sunshine

Space drift sunshine

2020-01-24--:--:--

Content published: Jan 23, 2020 at 10:45 pm CST · podcast published: Jan 23, 2020 at 10:45 pm CST I don't know why but it's important that I make things like this. 👽 #diariespodcast #diariesvideo tism · Jan 24, 2020 at 8:11 am Disco party in the basement? Matrix remake? Alien incursion? JJ · Jan 24, 2020 at 9:43 am Beautiful. 🦕🪐💡 marney0160 · Jan 28, 2020 at 11:05 pm I think you have a ghost in your house! Add a comment!   View original  
So back to me in my barn

So back to me in my barn

2020-01-22--:--:--

Content published: Jul 15, 2017 at 10:39 am CST · podcast published: Jan 22, 2020 at 7:00 am CST Subtitled: how to becoming willing Barbie in The Birds, taken at Stage Left Dinner, St. Louis, Missouri -- June 1st, 2013. I'm gonna jump right in. Because that's what you do when you're me. Writing my Eighth Step list was easy enough to do and so was becoming willing to make the amends on that list. Except to one of my brothers. I've always felt like what I did to him paled in comparison to what he did to me, my friends, and the rest of our family. I've prayed for the willingness like you're supposed to do but afterward I'm just like “Nah, I'm not ready to do that.” Flashback to 2013 and the family and I were in St. Louis for the weekend. This particular brother lived not far from where we were staying and I thought about calling him. Went back and forth, debated, wasn't even 100% sure I wanted to see him. But I did because he's my brother and even though he can be an asshole I still love him. Being realistic about he and I, there's more good than bad in our relationship overall but in the here-and-now the last few times I’ve talked with him have tried my patience and hurt my feelings. He can be mean. Anyways, back to the 2013 St. Louis visit. I called him, we hooked up, and ended up hanging out at a park. Maggie playing on the swings and it was good, low-key, no drama. At one time in life I looked up to him as younger brothers do and it was nice to see an older, gentler side of him bubble through. But he can blab on and on. He always does. I mean he talks a lot, like nonstop talking. About himself.[1] I know he’s lonely and misses everyone so I just listened. While he was yammering my mind wandered to... this would be a great chance to make my amends to him. If I could get a word in. But then something unexpectedly amazing happened. Something that made me start listening with both ears. He made amends to me. In broad daylight. Right after talking about something else. No build up, no “I got something on my mind and need talk with you about it.“ And it was really cool. He was sincere with the things he said and I believed his motives to be pure, filled with authentic remorse. Still gives me warm fuzzies when I think on it. Then my conscious nudged me again that "this would be a great time," bring mutual closure to our past lives. But I didn't. There are a couple reasons why. The first and foremost being I'm not that spiritually fit to do something when put on the spot. I don’t ad-lib when under pressure. Talking out loud has never been my strong suit. The other reason was because I kinda felt like this was his time to shine, make his amends. I wanted him to have his moment and not jump in and follow with my own. It almost felt like I’d be piggy-backing. I don’t know. Should I have owned up to my stuff? Probably. Do I regret not saying something? Yes. Do I hate myself? Of course not. I can live with it. We don’t always get to do the “right” thing at the “right” time. That’s how life goes. Whenever Step Eight comes up in meetings my brother and me making my amends to him is always front and center. It’s one of those things where “how free do you want to be” walks in the room and then I roll my eyes. It’ll be something left undone until I do it. Another dangling string of responsibility. And I hate responsibility. So today do I feel willing to make those amends? Not really. I'm still sore from he and I's last exchange over text message in 2015. The one where I ended up blocking his number. Really, it’s not about having willingness on my part. It’s about having forgiveness. He can be a self-centered, self-absorbed[2] asshole. It's like you can make your amends but if you keep being an asshole, then piss off. Yeah, I know… Recovery is all about me doing the things that I need to do and not focusing on other people and what they need to do. But I have too many mixed feelings about it. I shut the door[3] on our relationship and am hesitant to re-open it. I haven’t missed him the last few years and am not interested in resuming where we left off. Life's too short and I got other shit I'd rather being doing than listening to drivel. Okay, so my point. Spoiler: it’s nothing new. How I feel is based on what I do. If I act like a good person then I'll feel like a good person. If I take a higher road in life I'll feel better about me. And then feel better about you. Sometimes I can get stuck on praying for the willingness because “I’m not there yet.” But more often than not I just have to do it, quit floundering, quit getting ready, and get the shit done. Regardless of anything that's happened in the past or where I’m at in the present. Did I really want to go to the DMV a couple of days ago and renew my driver’s license? No, but I did it anyway. I’ll never be "ready" to do something that I don’t wanna do. Do I have something that I need to say to my brother? Yes. I mean he went and got the shit done and here I’ve been floundering with it. For years. I do admire him for that. So next steps? I’ll let the cosmos be my guide. And I'll be ready when the stars align. #advancedsoul #twelvesteps Yeah, I can get caught up in my own stuff when I'm excited but I try reel it in when I'm talking with somebody else. My brother has no reel. No rod. ↑ One time he called me and the first few minutes were like... Him: Yammer, yammer, I did this, I did that. Me: Hey, did you know it's my birthday today? Him: Yeah? Happy birthday mother fucker. Yammer, yammer, I think this, I thought that. Seriously. ↑ I'm a big fan of shutting the door on people when they get abusive. Or when they even get close. You rampage through people's lives, their whole lives, and there gonna be long term consequences. ↑ Add a comment!   View original  
Content published: Oct 30, 2018 at 1:39 pm CST · podcast published: Jan 20, 2020 at 10:20 am CST I was driving to work this morning as I do. A black Honda Civic sports car pulled up alongside me, a lady about 10 years older than me behind the wheel. When we got to the next stop light she continued to inch her Honda closer and closer toward the intersection. I said to myself, “You wanna race? I’ll give you a race. I’ve got a 1999 V6 that runs good on regular gas.” I didn’t have my racing gloves with me but that didn’t matter. And then I couldn’t go full balls when the Christmas lights lit up anyway. With the other cars in front of us and all. So then as we barreled north, she in her black car and me in my black truck, she continued to apply horsepower. As did I. As the traffic would allow. But then I had thought that wasn’t my own.[1] Here’s this little older in a sports car, probably having the time of her life. Roaring around like Thelma and Louise and then here I am wanting to take that away from her, not even attempting to be my best self. And then I slowed down. Let other people win, peeps. #trafficnews #advancedsoul #diariespodcast Because my best ones are never mine ↑ Add a comment!   View original  
No horse blankets

No horse blankets

2020-01-18--:--:--

Content published: Apr 10, 2019 at 9:53 am CST · podcast published: Jan 18, 2020 at 9:30 am CST When I got to the place where I couldn’t stand myself anymore, where I didn’t want to be the person I’d always been. And not do the same things I’d always done, I can see now that’s when I had reached the breaking point. The pain of being me had broken my very soul. Fuck. It wasn’t the drinking, it wasn’t ever the drugs. It was me. It wasn’t the traffic or the other drivers. It wasn’t other people at all. Well, it was some of those people...but when that blanket of denial was pulled back just far enough I could see, when a light came on that cast a clarity almost too bright on what I’d been doing to myself nothing ever looked the same again in the days after. Thinking back to that moment and all the desperate, frantic pain, tortured to tears, completely sober and sick of being myself, that’s when I turned a corner and walked down a path I’d only heard other people talk about. And that’s when the spiritual revolution began. No horse blankets. #photos #alcoholism #lettherebehope #diariespodcast vaughn3 · Apr 10, 2019 at 1:46 pm Well said tcr! · Apr 10, 2019 at 4:47 pm Thank you! glenn.cremer · Apr 11, 2019 at 12:59 pm I had never heard it put that way, but well said. tcr! · Apr 11, 2019 at 6:59 pm Thanks ❤️ Add a comment!   View original  
A backlog of taxes

A backlog of taxes

2020-01-12--:--:--

Content published: Nov 12, 2018 at 7:11 pm CST · podcast published: Jan 12, 2020 at 5:10 pm CST I spent the majority of my adult life either toiling around to get my head on straight or hiding in the shadows from the truth. A backlog of taxes and overdue books. Pull up a little bit farther at the red light because I don’t want to look at the dude next to me. It’s not that I didn’t wanna go to college. It’s just that my ship was listing and the captain was drunk in his cabin. You hurt my feelings. I didn’t hurt your feelings. I’m just not gonna do what you want. If a crime involves another person, the real offense is hurting the person on the other end. Saying I’m sorry often does not let me off the hook. And that’s all fine and good but what’s not fine is not doing something because we’re afraid. That’s bullshit. An ass full of laxatives and tangled fishing hooks. Half of what goes on in my head I don’t want. And when ill behaviors no longer feel comfortable that’s a sign that we’ve grown. Read as much into all of that as you want. #photos #confessional #diariespodcast Momma J · Nov 12, 2018 at 10:54 pm You’ve grown! tcr! · Nov 13, 2018 at 7:49 am About 2” since you last saw me. Add a comment!   View original  
Content published: Dec 29, 2019 at 5:04 pm CST · podcast published: Jan 11, 2020 at 9:45 am CST Seeking equality, fairness, the greater good...that does something remarkable for me. It breaks my selfish bubble. It makes me a whole human being. It gives me freedom. But wait, there’s more. So much more. Seeking balance and harmony for all...brings me out of my despair. It brings light to my darkness. It brings healing to my pain. It lifts me up and out of feeling down and blue, up to the level of okay I was looking for much of my life. And being okay inside and out is the remarkable place I was talking about earlier. When I make life not all about my pleasure or my suffering, oh wow is it good. It’s elevation. Like inwardly summiting a spiritual Mt Everest and bringing everyone else up top to share the view. You probably already knew all of that but it took me almost a lifetime to figure out. #photos #goteam 😊 #lettherebehope #diariespodcast Momma J · Dec 29, 2019 at 5:56 pm I’m glad you got there! tcr! · Dec 30, 2019 at 5:18 pm As am I! jimi hindrance experience · Dec 29, 2019 at 7:14 pm 😎 jimi hindrance experience · Dec 29, 2019 at 7:15 pm I wanted to put the praying hands thing people use but my standard issue is better/closer to how I feel. tcr! · Dec 30, 2019 at 5:18 pm It’s a good standard issue marney0160 · Dec 30, 2019 at 4:39 pm Words I needed to read today. Ty 💖 tcr! · Dec 30, 2019 at 5:18 pm You are most welcome! chrisrich · Dec 31, 2019 at 5:51 am Wonderful words! tcr! · Jan 4, 2020 at 10:02 am Thank you! Uncle Timmy · Jan 4, 2020 at 10:08 am Dont ever stop writing your thoughts. Hits home every time! tcr! · Jan 4, 2020 at 10:15 am Thanks man! I haven’t felt much like writing these past few months but positive words like yours pump up my motivation. Add a comment!   View original  
Ice cream anxiety

Ice cream anxiety

2019-10-27--:--:--

Content published: Nov 1, 2018 at 10:06 am CST · podcast published: Oct 27, 2019 at 10:30 am CST If we’re at a social gathering and it feels like I snub you that’s because I’m not a social butterfly. I’m more like a social moth. My wings are dusty. I check the doors to be sure they lock. I have debates with myself about what I'm supposed to do next. I have the social skills of a turtle. Just give me some lettuce. Large groups of people don’t necessarily make me nervous, just uncomfortable. I don’t like people sitting or standing behind me. I don’t like it to the point where I’ll change seats. If I can’t see everything I feel somewhat flustered. I like to keep an eye on things. That might sound cliche or overused or whatever but it’s because it’s a real thing that affects more people than it should. Talking one-on-one and sometimes one-on-two is fine. I've researched effective communication skills and social graces. One of the best things I learned was to ask other people specific questions about what's going on in their lives. People like to talk about themselves and then I don’t have to talk about me. High-five. If someone invites me to come sit with their group I’m ready to get up before I even sit down. This doesn’t have anything to do with the quality of people at the table as much as that my fingernails are too long or my shoes are too tight or my eyebrows are messed up. And it’s not that I’m stressing about those things but I’m acutely aware when I touch things of just how long my nails are.[1] Or if my feet are hot because my shoes don’t have enough circulation. I feel it when there’s an eyebrow guy out of place and usually my whole world comes to a grinding halt until I deal with him. I don’t write these things because I need a hug. I write them because I feel bad when thinking about the people left sitting at the table after I’ve abruptly left. You didn’t say anything offensive nor did you smell bad. Well, maybe you did but I’m not going to get that close to know. Because guess how many homecomings I went to in high school? None. How many school dances did I go to? One. And then I left after 15 minutes. Those aren't “poor me” stories, just evidence of a long standing reservation with public suspicion. Well, it’s not suspicion. It’s ice cream anxiety.[2] Shit happens when we’re kids and it shapes who we become, who we are. Regardless of how much we heal you can’t unbreak bones. We can burn our diaries but our DNA is infused with what we wrote. Our history doesn’t have to dictate our lives but it will cast a doubt moving forward. Anyways, I do better at standing than sitting. Sitting is a commitment. Plus, what if there’s a fire and I need to leave immediately? That’s never happened to me but it’s a sound excuse. I don’t have panic attacks when I’m out but my thoughts wander, sometimes for good and sometimes for bad. If I had boobs I would be unstoppable. I check for my keys fairly often when I’m not at home. Doesn’t matter the situation or circumstances. Sara and I could just be having dinner and I’ll still want to know where my keys are. It’s not a nervous habit because I don’t feel nervous. My heart does skip a beat, though, if I don’t immediately feel them in my pocket. Where the fuck are my keys? How am I going to drive home? People will look at me if I have to break into my truck. I’ll get all this attention that I don’t want. Keep your flashlights to yourself. So there’s a dude in my neighborhood, moved in when I was drinking. Liked comic books and superheroes. I met him at a neighborhood party and I thought “oh, we could be friends!” But we never did. I see the same antisocial behaviors in him that I know and love in myself. So I don’t take it personal when I see him in the alley and he only waves. In related news one of the things I loved about drinking was that at those parties, the lights would dim after I got a few drinks in me and the sounds weren't so loud. Really in reality, everything was the same but drinking made…everything not so much.[3] Do you guys remember that one New Year’s Eve party where I was recounting a riveting tail of wonder and amazement to a fascinated and captivated crowd of more than twenty? And then after my grand finale where I saved the day everyone cheered and clapped? That one time when I was the public speaking hero? Yeah, I don’t remember that either. Because it didn’t happen. Most likely it never will. I’m not the life of the party but I will cheer you on to be. After I floss. I don’t have low self-esteem. I’m fairly confident that I can hold my own talking individually with you about Jame Gumb or Bill Wilson or Bobby Flay. Just don’t ask me to play Cards Against Humanity. That’s too much pressure. #photos #socialproblems #fridaythe13th #diariespodcast They’re never long because I’m not gonna let that happen ↑ If you don’t know what that means I don’t blame you ↑ If that doesn’t make sense that’s okay ↑ asquared01 · Nov 1, 2018 at 10:33 am I can relate to so much of what you described. I suppose for me it’s social anxiety. I don’t like going to parties, I don’t like large groups of people that I don’t know and it’s even worse if everyone knows each other and I’m the new person. We have an invitation to a Thanksgiving party we haven’t replied to b/c of my anxiety….I’ve only met the couple once. John knows the husband well but I don’t want to go to someone’s house with a bunch of people I’ve never met. Then I wonder why I don’t have friends…this type of thing right here. :( tcr! · Nov 1, 2018 at 10:50 am I set time limits for how long I’m willing stay somewhere. With a group of people I don’t know, that limit would most likely be 15 minutes. Then I can leave everybody murmuring amongst themselves.. “who was that dashing man in the golden hockey mask?” asquared01 · Nov 1, 2018 at 1:05 pm If you’re at least making a 15 minute appearance, you’re a better person than me. I’ll be replying “can’t go” to that invite. 😬 tcr! · Nov 1, 2018 at 4:45 pm How about you guys go for 10 minutes? Drop off a can of that cranberry sauce that makes people swoon? And then announce boldly to crowd, “we’re taking turkey pot pies to the homeless shelter on 5th Avenue.” Nobody would blink as you slammed the door on your way out. keamoose · Nov 1, 2018 at 10:39 am Yes, exactly. Hater McGhray · Nov 1, 2018 at 10:52 am Yep prokop · Nov 1, 2018 at 11:24 am Get out of my head. Haha. fleming · Nov 1, 2018 at 12:58 pm I know, right??!! I think there are a lot of us out there, just “faking it till we make it”! Mona · Nov 1, 2018 at 1:49 pm Story of my life. tcr! · Nov 1, 2018 at 4:30 pm One time when I was in college I went up to give a speech. In front of the whole class. 20 seconds in I said, “I can’t do this.” And then I went and sat down. 👍 jenkins_arts · Nov 1, 2018 at 2:01 pm Snazzy. That’s a technical term. tcr! · Nov 1, 2018 at 4:24 pm As is fancy! jenkins_arts · Nov 2, 2018 at 5:56 pm Yup Mitchell · Nov 1, 2018 at 6:30 pm Totally get it uncle Trav I am very much like you believe it or not I looked up/still look up to you for years tcr! · Nov 1, 2018 at 8:03 pm Love you man! Mitchell · Nov 2, 2018 at 6:45 pm Love you too unc threecrates · Nov 1, 2018 at 6:55 pm Incredibly written as usual pal. Love this! ❤️ tcr! · Nov 2, 2018 at 7:10 am Thanks man! 🍬 jimi hindrance experience · Nov 1, 2018 at 10:55 pm It happens to me out of the blue. Everything can be ok and suddenly I’m overwhelmed with panic. I’m never aware of “what happened” if anything. tcr! · Nov 2, 2018 at 11:22 am Might be a short circuit. Of course I’m not a doctor or biologist. Add a comment!   View original  
I've lit my life on fire

I've lit my life on fire

2019-10-14--:--:--

Content published: Jul 12, 2017 at 7:28 am CST · podcast published: Oct 14, 2019 at 7:30 am CST If you haven't heard this story, you're in luck. The first week or so I was sober I was sitting in a meeting and said, “I’ve lit my life on fire.” When I was drinking I wasn’t capable of caring because I was drunk and numb to my life burning. But being freshly sober I was like, “Oh my fucking god. My life is on fire.” I was freaking out, anxious all the time, having panic attacks... And I really, really didn't want my life to burn down. As I was talking during that meeting, I was looking around the room and most people were nodding because they, too, had set their lives on fire at one time or another. Knowing that others could relate to what I’d done and how I was feeling gave me some hope. It made me feel accepted, that I was in the right place. My whole life I’d waited to belong somewhere and now I finally had. On more than a superficial level. And that was all of Step Two’s “power greater than me” that I needed. My head was too full of tops spinning to think on grandiose spiritual terms. The meetings and what I found there were good enough. All I really knew was that when I wasn't at a meeting I felt batshit crazy and when I sat down at one, I had a little sense that everything was somehow going to be okay. If only for the moment. Maybe. I wasn’t gushing at the seams with positivity but at least I was around people who understood what I was going through. So then I was talking with my sponsor and I asked when I was going to be restored to sanity and he said “when you work the rest of the steps.” I think about the beginning of How It Works often, especially the line where it says the steps are the suggested program of recovery. Just not drinking isn’t enough. Just going to meetings isn’t enough. I won’t feel sane because I’ll keep being me. Until I gave up in Step Three because I accepted my way didn’t work, I was gonna keep feeling insane. Until I took and shared my inventory, shared that ugly, nasty shit, I was gonna keep feeling insane. Until I was beaten by my shortcomings (just like I was beaten by alcohol) and asked God for help, I was gonna keep feeling insane. Until I made my amends, paid restitution for the damage I caused, I was gonna keep feeling insane. After the Ninth Step the Big Book says, “We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness... We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.” And ya know what? When I was well into my amends I started to feel more than somewhat sane. My sanity had been mostly been restored. Without me even knowing it. And today my life isn’t on fire. I don't feel batshit crazy anymore. Mostly... 😉 #alcoholism #lettherebehope #twelvesteps Momma J · Jul 12, 2017 at 3:29 pm I had no idea you were suffering like this. I know you had to do this yourself but I wish I could have helped! tcr! · Jul 12, 2017 at 4:00 pm It wasn’t that bad. A mere flesh wound. tam.the.terrible · Jul 12, 2017 at 6:12 pm My life has been in flames more times than I care to think about it. Fall down 7 times get up 8. ❤️ jimi hindrance experience · Jul 13, 2017 at 10:59 am Fat Charlie the Archangel sloped into the room…. —-Crazy Love, Vol. II by Paul Simon https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LeY4s_nLvtM Fat Charlie’s life is on fire at approx 1:50. Monohon · Jul 13, 2017 at 12:58 pm Come on Travie! Add a comment!   View original  
Back to regular life

Back to regular life

2019-10-06--:--:--

Content published: Apr 19, 2019 at 9:56 am CST · podcast published: Oct 6, 2019 at 3:30 pm CST Do you know what I really hate? When somebody is being over-the-top nice after they’ve fucked something up. Do you know what I really like? When someone offers up a sincere apology and then gets on with the day. Own it. Regret it. Forget it. Take five minutes, have a real conversation, and then go back to regular life. If I don’t acknowledge I can come across like an unsympathetic magician. Trying to trick you into paying attention to my magic rabbit and hat. All the while my other hand is holding a bloody knife. I’m not fooling anyone. And then if I’m dancing around like an out-of-the-ordinary, out-of-control ballerina with an obviously fabricated sugary song and dance, it only makes whatever transgression worse. It prolongs the distress. Elaine said to me seven years ago, “…and don't grovel.” I get “wanting to make it better” with flowers from up my sleeve and I’m sure I’ve tried to pull rosy ruses myself. But keep it to a minimum. Otherwise it’s a black reminder. The fuck up lingers like a red rubber band, stretching the hurt out for way longer than it needs to. Humility. Brevity. Authenticity. I won’t go wrong with these. #relationships #advancedsoul #diariespodcast Momma J · Apr 19, 2019 at 11:08 am Great philosophy $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Apr 20, 2019 at 12:47 pm Learned the hard way 😉 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jimi hindrance experience · Apr 19, 2019 at 4:21 pm 😎 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment!   View original  
The summer of 2019

The summer of 2019

2019-09-27--:--:--

Content published: Sep 27, 2019 at 10:00 am CST · podcast published: Sep 27, 2019 at 10:00 am CST Peeps, it was a busy summer. Most of it was spent cleaning and packing up my house. That was a lot. I lived there for 11 years, the longest place I’d ever lived in my life. I threw away countless bags of trash, of life debris and clutter. ⛸ In June Sara and I went to see Ludovico at the Cadillac Palace in Chicago. Maggie and I went to Gay Pride in Aurora. Sara took all of us to Cantigny Park for my 47th birthday. We played mini golf in the dark during Swedish Days. In July there was the case of the stolen bicycle and Maggie turned 14. We went to Minneapolis to check out the Mall of America and Paisley Park. Maggie started high school in August, too. 😳 Five chipmunks were caught and released over the summer. I took over 450 photos. I didn’t keep track of how many restaurants that Sara and I went to. This month of September we went to Nebraska for Sara’s sister’s wedding. During the sermon or whatever the pastor shared a story about an older couple with a successful marriage. When asked how they had stayed together for so long the husband replied, “I always figured it was her turn to get what she wanted.” That’s how you win. In healthy relationships life isn’t all about getting what we want but most of it is giving people what they want. Keeping that Christmas spirit of giving all year round is one of the foremost keys to happiness. In a similar thread Jimi messaged me not long ago, shared something that Cokie Roberts’ husband had said regarding their marriage. It was that the most important life choice we can make is who we spend it with. So in August Maggie and I moved in with Sara and her kids. It wasn’t on accident or on a whim that I chose Sara. She’s beautiful, kind, selfless, and intent on everyone having a good life. 💝 Speaking of life choices, today is/was my last day at the job I’ve had for the last 13 years. See, I could’ve stayed at my job and in my house in Geneva and been mostly comfortable. But then again and I hate to say this but life can suck when you’re stuck in second place. I’ve lived much of my life in the moment, in the here and now, but sometimes it’s better to look bigger picture. What we’re doing and what we really want to achieve. Where we’re going and where we really want to be. Who we’re with and who’ll really give us the fairy tale. I’ve gotten divorced, I’ve moved, and I start a new job on Monday. Go team. 💪 #photos #lettherebehope #diariespodcast Botsford · Sep 27, 2019 at 10:08 am Life is good! Enjoy the ride😊 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:38 am 🎡 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Pelletier · Sep 27, 2019 at 10:09 am Can I give you BOTH a “Happy” and a “Sad” like?…… Gonna miss you at the office. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:25 am Maybe we’ll all hook up again at MATS next year!! 🚛 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Rich J · Sep 27, 2019 at 10:17 am Who’d a thunk it. Your life change has led you on an incredible journey so far, hasn’t it? $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:26 am It most certainly has 💫 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Laurie · Sep 27, 2019 at 10:21 am I am so very happy for you! You are a great guy! ♥️ $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:26 am Thank you! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; asquared01 · Sep 27, 2019 at 10:23 am Sounds like a fantastic summer! Congratulations on the move and the new job! :) $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:27 am Thanks!! It was pretty fantastic. 🎉 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; flood · Sep 27, 2019 at 10:40 am It’s so great to hear how well you are doing- congratulations!! 😊 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:32 am Hard telling where I’d be at if it wasn’t for the good people at the Kane County Judicial Center! 😊 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; flood · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:58 am 😊 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; sprout · Sep 27, 2019 at 10:50 am Congrats, old friend. Happy that you’ve found the happiness you deserve. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:36 am Thank you. The last time you were in Chicago was November 2013. I think you’re overdue. 😉 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Ritter Parcel · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:35 am So happy for you and Maggie! You both deserve happiness. Cant wait to meet Sarah hint hint lol $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:37 am So when are you and Mike coming to visit? Bring Justice, too!! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Ritter Parcel · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:45 am Mike, Travis has spoken lol $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Lewis · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:49 am Very cool…best wishes to you and Sara. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 5:36 pm Thank you! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; cormanang · Sep 27, 2019 at 12:09 pm TEAM Travis rules. I am happy for you my friend. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 5:36 pm Thanks!! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jimi hindrance experience · Sep 27, 2019 at 12:44 pm 😎 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; DeeDee · Sep 27, 2019 at 1:52 pm $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Momma J · Sep 27, 2019 at 2:36 pm I’m so happy for you, so proud of you! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Raes · Sep 27, 2019 at 2:41 pm Life is a journey…and new beginnings to look forward to. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tism · Sep 27, 2019 at 4:29 pm W00t! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; franh · Sep 27, 2019 at 4:56 pm Couldn’t be happier for you buddy. Life is good. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; elaineorr · Sep 27, 2019 at 5:26 pm Lots of good thoughts $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; edox · Sep 27, 2019 at 5:34 pm $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Irene · Sep 27, 2019 at 9:59 pm Were you able to transfer within your company or is it a brand new job? Best wishes to all of you on your new beginnings !! How exciting, how fantastic, make the best of everything… Much love! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Sep 28, 2019 at 10:10 am Whole new company, fresh start… And thank you!! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Irene · Sep 28, 2019 at 12:50 pm Good for you. Good luck! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Sep 28, 2019 at 10:50 am PS- there’s a lot of false starts in life. Keep going… 💖 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; annekothe · Sep 28, 2019 at 11:29 am 😘 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Sep 28, 2019 at 1:02 pm 😘 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment!   View original  
jolly green.mp3

jolly green.mp3

2019-09-21--:--:--

Content published: Sep 21, 2019 at 8:30 am CST · podcast published: Sep 21, 2019 at 8:30 am CST Please enjoy another song I recorded sometime in the late 90s, maybe 1998. Of course I wrote all the lyrics and music and played all the instruments. Because that's what you do when you're me. I am surfing the lifestyle that I was shown. I am riding the aftershock, a tidal wave… A boy that you have grown. You have sown, you have stoned. Who else am I to blame? Dare I say the trouble lies in how I learned, how I was raised? How I was burned? How I was shamed? Didn’t go to Harvard or enroll at Yale. Wanted to grown up an astronaut instead I got… A jail cell. Was a dope slot, addicted to shots. Can’t think for myself. I’m not a boy. I can think for myself now. Inflated with the airs of rage. Every breath is one of hate. Mean jolly green giant of field of defiance. Stones for you. Burns for you. Shocks for you. And you. And you. And you. I’m not a boy. I can think for myself now. Now I live the lifestyle that I choose. It’s got nothing to do with you. Threw away your noose, I let myself loose. Boo-hoo for you, singing your blues. Eating your abuse. Duck, duck, goose. I tie my shoes so fuck you. Alias: grahm sexton Title: jolly green #tcrmusic #diariespodcast Add a comment!   View original  
Not even the here and now

Not even the here and now

2019-06-21--:--:--

Content published: Mar 3, 2017 at 12:30 pm CST · podcast published: Jun 21, 2019 at 10:30 am CST Time goes by and we move on and people come in and out of our lives and then we try hard to remember them when everything's quiet but the memories fade and we're only left with glimpses and fractures of what was and reminders that nothing is ever permanent, not even the here and now. Also: be somebody's hero today. 😉 #timeisirrelevant #diariespodcast Add a comment!   View original  
Content published: Mar 23, 2017 at 8:17 am CST · podcast published: May 25, 2019 at 12:30 pm CST I have back and forth feelings of whether alcoholism is an actual disease like hepatitis or something. I guess at the end of the day it doesn't matter to me, doesn't change that my soul was sick. Emotionally distraught to the point it was affecting everything from my sleeping to my shitting to my relationships with Maggie and my cats. You that know me personally know my story. Did you ever see Back to School with Rodney Dangerfield? It's from the mid 80s, light hearted, goofy, classic Dangerfield. There's a scene where he's arguing with his professor about selling widgets. Dangerfield gets hung up on what exactly a widget is and the professor exasperated finally says... It's a fictional product, it doesn't matter. That's a powerful train of thought for me. Sometimes I can get hung up on wanting to debate a topic and often it's because I'm wanting to deflect looking at my own issues. I resist so I don't need to peer inward. When I'm deflecting I need to remember to self-critique. Maybe there's something I'm avoiding. And if so, the debate "doesn't matter." It's weird how I remember these lines from movies and they graft themselves into, make up part of my spiritual being. 😉 Anyways. Is alcoholism a true medical disease? I don't care. What I do care about, what does matter is that I can't drink responsibly. I drink irresponsibly to the point of excess. I get frantic when I don't drink. It becomes the only thing I care about. Above all else. That's what does matter. Also, as a last thing. I do think it's a proper medical illness. The way alcoholics are utterly consumed by the cravings and will drink to literal death, well that's just not a lack of willpower. #alcoholism #healthnews #protip #diariespodcast zumpknows · Mar 23, 2017 at 9:44 am This may have been a stumbling block for me when I was trying to bargain with alcohol, but there was no doubt that it was an addiction. Maybe it was a selective addiction, but it was my addiction to battle. And the battle became easier once I surrendered. coolcrosby · Mar 23, 2017 at 12:22 pm I agree that alcoholism is a disease; moreover, and more importantly all the overwhelming scientific and medical consensus is that alcoholism is a disease. SOmuch2learn · Mar 23, 2017 at 3:47 pm I agree that alcoholism is a disease. It helped me understand and accept my alcoholism after I read Under the Influence by Ketcham and Milam. gafflebitters · Mar 23, 2017 at 12:22 pm Thanks for this post, I agree with you and I have similar movie experiences. LokiGrue · Mar 23, 2017 at 3:54 pm As the long suffering spouse of an Alcoholic, I am sick of the “It’s a disease” mantra—it’s an excuse to not make the fucking choice to stop fucking drinking. It’s a “Disease” so it can get an ICD-10 Code, and people can get Insurance paying for treatment. Follow the fucking money. I’m sorry. She’s relapsing and I am tired of the excuses. LokiGrue · Mar 23, 2017 at 12:28 pm The “disease” is just an excuse, not a reason. Are you getting help for yourself by going to Alanon? I don’t do “Higher Powers.” SOmuch2learn · Mar 23, 2017 at 4:40 pm I don’t do “god” either. I’m an atheist but found both AA and Alanon very helpful. I just let the stuff that doesn’t apply to me slide off—I wear a teflon shield. I am very sorry about your wife. Alcoholism is heartbreaking. I would have gone crazy without the support I gained from Alanon. Anonymous · Mar 23, 2017 at 5:43 pm I am sorry your wife is relapsing. Do you really, really feel that she is ‘chosing’ to drink over you/your family? It may help to understand what is going on in her brain…. what makes her different…. why she struggles to not relapse…. This short 3 minute video should give you a little more insight, and (I very much hope!) something to understand and then work together to get help with. http://lundbeck.com/global/brain-disorders/disease-areas/other-diseases/alcohol-dependence It is not her fault that she has developed this condition, but it IS her choice to find something that helps her to move forwards. LokiGrue · Mar 23, 2017 at 6:02 pm I’m sick of this shit. Thankfully we’ve no children. She knows that I’ve drawn a line in the sand: She has two choices: Continue to drink and be served with Divorce papers, or not drink and we will stay married. She keeps whining “it’s not that simple!” Yes, it is actually. It may not be easy, but it is simple. And I have had enough. Another drink=Divorce. tcr! · Mar 23, 2017 at 6:11 pm Ya, I don’t blame you. Living with an alcoholic gets old real quick. And then nothing ever changes no matter how much we plead and beg and threaten. Just take care you and let your wife take care of herself. Just my 2 cents. :) Anonymous · Mar 23, 2017 at 6:22 pm Your decision to make of course, but I think sadly…. at some point, whether in the near or distant future… you will be serving those divorce papers. Without help, it is extremely unlikely that she will be able to refrain from drinking for any meaningful length of time. All the medical evidence demonstrates that her brain has been altered by repeated alcohol use. The pathway in her brain that associates alcohol = reward is stronger than all the others. Whilst you may chose not to believe it, and to maintain that she has a choice in the matter, that doesn’t make it any less true. You are correct, it is not easy. But she is also correct, it isn’t that simple. Once someone has become alcohol dependent, it is NOT a choice any longer. stankost · Mar 25, 2017 at 6:11 pm I think you have a valid point, it was a “personality disorder” few years ago,now it is a “disease”, but ICD had qualified “homosexuality” as mental illness in the past, but today you will be crucified for such statement, so I am also not convinced that alcoholism is a disease (it can lead to a bunch of medical problems of course). However, it is not easy for an alcoholic “just not to drink”. Add a comment!   View original  
Content published: Apr 29, 2019 at 2:00 pm CST · podcast published: Apr 29, 2019 at 2:00 pm CST After all my moaning my 2018 diaries book is now ready to be put in your shopping carts. If you have an unfulfilled diaries magazine subscription don’t buy the book. Your paperback will be in the mail soon. The ones available here on the site are autographed, too. Paperback and Kindle editions are available on Amazon, non-autographed of course. You should buy my book. And then tell your friends about it. And share it on social media, as you do. And then leave an Amazon review. I know that’s asking a lot but it would mean the world to me and I’d be eternally grateful. 💙 Sharing and reviews really do help. It’d be really cool if I could just do my writing (both spiritual and ridiculous) and earn a living doing such. As it is now, I do both when I have time. I hate making room for those things that are truly important. I just want to do those things that absolutely make truly my heart sing all the fucking time. I have at least 15 pieces that I’ve started writing but haven’t had the chance to finish. I have to feel what I’m writing or else the words come across like a piece of shit. And the writing zone isn’t something I can just turn on when I have 15 minutes to spare. And then I have at least 50 podcast episodes I could record but again, I have to be in the mood. Otherwise the words come out of my mouth like I’m an uncaring automaton. Anyways, I’ll quit bemoaning. Go buy my book. 😊 Peace out, death to dogmas. #diariesbook #diariespodcast #forsale Get the diaries for 2018 book tcr! · Apr 29, 2019 at 2:37 pm PS- The cover only went through four progressions. Sara vetoed the first cover straight away… 😊 Hater McGhray · Apr 29, 2019 at 2:54 pm Sara was right. tcr! · Apr 29, 2019 at 6:51 pm Absolutely right. She usually is 😊 JJania · Apr 29, 2019 at 2:56 pm I’ll be getting my paperback Wednesday. tcr! · Apr 29, 2019 at 5:21 pm Yay! Add a comment!   View original  
If I'm feeling the same way

If I'm feeling the same way

2019-04-19--:--:--

Content published: Oct 17, 2018 at 7:35 pm CST · podcast published: Apr 19, 2019 at 10:00 am CST If I’m feeling the same way a few days later about something I need to make peace with it. Or not. It’s true that the only thing I have to do with my feelings is feel them but sometimes they linger. They don’t resolve. And then I have to do something. I need to take action. Often times that action is just accepting whatever happened that caused my unrest to begin with. If the situation involved another person, for example, how would I act around them if it didn’t happen at all? That’s how I accept things. It’s not hard once I decide that I want to move forward in life. Regardless of where my feelings are at. Acting differently than how I feel isn’t denying my feelings or pretending whatever didn’t happened. It’s me deciding that I’m done with all that and am going to move on even if my heart is telling me something else. It’s not usual when the only closure I get is accepting that I won’t get resolution. That’s a realization I get to in my head because feelings can be icky and sticky. Like watching somebody leave when I want them to stay. I give them a hug and a kiss on the cheek, watch them get into the car and drive down the street. My heart twists as the taillights drive away. The physical bond between us stretches and dissolves as the car gets smaller. To the left. Around a bend. Disappear. Gone is gone. I turn and hobble up the sidewalk, the fallen leaves are too coincidental. The chilly air a nuisance, the gray sky unwanted. Inside the tears drip down like droplets over the outside of a boiling pot. Steam on the lid and mist in my eyes making it too hard to see what’s inside. Everything’s overflowing. Everything’s too much. The house isn’t empty but I’d rather be by myself. Alone I turn off the stove and the pot and the water start to cool. Just a minute ago the somebody was there and now I only have a fading memory. Okay stop. Enough with the melodrama. There was never a stove. Nor a boiling pot. Feelings are beautiful, magical things and experiencing them makes us whole human beings. They’re the yin to the intellect’s yan. But they don’t run the show and allowing them to will only end up making life miserable. #advancedsoul #diariespodcast Richard · Oct 19, 2018 at 5:18 am Nice. Got it. Thanks. marney0160 · Oct 20, 2018 at 9:04 am Nice! Thanks for the reminder… Add a comment!   View original  
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