Discovertcr! diaries - podcast
tcr! diaries - podcast

tcr! diaries - podcast

Author: tcr!

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The ebbs and flows of this alcoholic. It's all true. Sometimes I'm serious. Sometimes I'm not.
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content: Sep 20, 2020 Well, we got here is a phone call I had with my good friend Jimi, recorded earlier in the month. I mention or quote him from time to time on my blog and in my podcast. And he’s been a good friend for a close to three decades. I met Jimi in the early 90s in Iowa when I first got sober. Stayed friends with him in the 2000s while I relapsed in Oregon. And then of course he was there after I sobered up again in Illinois in the early 2010s. Jimi’s a saint and a scholar. He’s the big brother I never had. He’s made me think and laugh and let me in on the life secret, “everything is going to be okay.” Because… “the best is yet to come.” So my thought going into the phone call was that it would be a test run recording, check audio levels, and see how well we both did under the mic. Topics include Maggie, COVID and quarantine, online video calls, and experiencing the moment. #diariespodcast #advancedsoul Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: Feb 3, 2019 · podcast: Sep 8, 2020 When I was newly sober, having a list of amends to make was like having a big pile of bills to pay. And I hate that feeling: a stack of checks to write and a list of people and places I owe. It’s just always on my mind, lingering in the back row like somebody murmuring behind you at the movies. When I stopped drinking my conscious woke up and I start hearing the voices of remorse. And then there was that one time when I was in high school that I stole a whole bunch of books from the public library. It was way back when shoplifting was easy. Go in with a nearly empty backpack, load it up with Hobbit adventures, and walk out. Just be careful and it was really that easy. I didn’t feel any guilt at the time because for whatever reason in my head, the world owed me. And then some time later when writing my 8th Step list my sponsor and I came up with a dollar amount that I owed them based on how many books I stole. That particular public library was in a different state so I wrote them a check and stuffed it in an envelope along with a letter saying, “I stole some books from you guys several years ago and here’s a check that I hope is compensation.” Or something like that. It was short and sweet because the best amends are. If I get wordy I tend to want to justify, and my goal was to “pay the money back.” In the days after mailing the letter I was kind of nervous because I didn’t know if I'd have charges pressed against me or I’d go to jail or whatever. When I put myself out into the unknown I never know what’s going to happen. My mind goes to all kinds of silly places and because I’m me, I assumed jail was in my future for most of my amends. But I never heard back from the library folk. They just cashed the check a couple of weeks later. And I got on with my life. Another bill off the list and another mess cleaned up. And that’s how I made all of my amends. As I could, when I was able. Wrote the checks. Paid the debts. One by one. There’s no pillow as soft as a clear conscience. When I go to sleep now, if anything, I can always be grateful for not having amends to make that I know of. I’ve settled my books as best I can. And it feels good being able to walk into that library now with a clear conscience. That I have nothing to feel bad about. That I’m putting my best self out there instead of being a selfish jerk, helping myself to whatever I want. When I was drinking I hurt a lot of people and did a lot of bad things. If you’re alcoholic or know one, you know how it goes. I wasn’t unique in the things I did, just par for the alcoholic course. And it’s no wonder I drank the way that I did based on all the wrongdoings I had done. All the garbage I had piled on top of my soul. I hated looking at myself in the mirror when I was brushing my teeth. Couldn’t stand looking at the face staring back at me. That caused all that pain. Standing in front of the sink was my least favorite place to be. After making my amends I was finally set free from that burden, finally set free from my past. Fully able to live in the present. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to jail but being released, walking out the door, feeling the fresh air all around, knowing last night is behind you… Well, that’s what making amends is like. It’s a fresh start and a new day ahead. No police, no handcuffs, no fear, and no looking back. Sentence served and restitutions made. And now when I look in the mirror I generally only see these long eyebrows that I should pluck. #alcoholism #twelvesteps #diariespodcast #diariesvideo threecrates · Sep 9, 2020 at 10:35 pm Never have I felt that it sounds as if you were giving a speech. I’ve always been captivated by your words, whether it be written or spoken. I’m also totally digging the new format/video edits in addition to the DIY audio tracks. And as always it’s wonderfully relatable in regards to recovery. 🎶❤️ tcr! · Sep 11, 2020 at 8:07 am Thanks man! What you said means a lot and I appreciate it! In another life all I did was record music in my free time and I love splicing audio into spoken word pieces. Then I don’t have to follow the verse, chorus, solo formula. We should definitely record some conversations and/or musics at some point! threecrates · Sep 11, 2020 at 10:54 am I would like that very much! sveagrabarek · Sep 10, 2020 at 12:43 pm September, the 9th month! tcr! · Sep 11, 2020 at 8:09 am It was no accident, the cosmos knows what it’s doing 😉 tcr! · Sep 11, 2020 at 8:09 am Okay, I don’t know what that means exactly. sveagrabarek · Sep 11, 2020 at 4:14 pm Bills and checks and amends. 9th step, 9th month DP · Sep 10, 2020 at 7:27 pm “There’s no pillow as soft as a clear conscious.” Brilliant tcr! · Sep 10, 2020 at 8:54 pm I wish that was my quote, but it’s still really good none the less 😊 Momma J · Sep 10, 2020 at 7:35 pm I like the Spontaneity. The ah’s don’t bother me. Useful/ Helpful content. I’d much rather see you then listen to the Podcast. tcr! · Sep 10, 2020 at 8:58 pm I think the ah’s only bother me when I listen to what I’ve recorded 😄 Momma J · Sep 10, 2020 at 10:54 pm You are too hard on yourself! tcr! · Sep 11, 2020 at 8:17 am I just have high goals for myself but I’m okay with not people perfect 😊 battersons · Sep 10, 2020 at 8:44 pm Beautifully written! tcr! · Sep 10, 2020 at 8:58 pm Thank you!! jimi hindrance experience · Sep 12, 2020 at 8:44 am I’d rather see a sermon than hear one any day I’d rather one would walk with me than merely tell the way …is what someone said in a meeting to me. I later found that they were quoting Bruce Carroll. I don’t know anything about Mr. Carroll other than that’s what google said about the lines. Momma J · Sep 12, 2020 at 1:39 pm Perfectly said! tcr! · Sep 13, 2020 at 8:13 am That’s a good thing to carry in one’s pocket Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: Apr 24, 2019 · podcast: Sep 3, 2020 Believe it or not at one point I thought I wanted to be an accountant. Because I like it when the numbers add up. Equal parts payable, equal parts receivable. Equal parts ebb, equal parts flow. At the end of the night all will be balanced. I could never be an accountant though. Numbers aren’t colorful enough to me. However, I still do like things to be balanced. Like I’m getting as much out of something as I’m putting into it. The reward matches the labor. Or else there’ll come a day when I’ll stop doing whatever I’ve been doing. If I don’t stop I’ll only end up resentful and being bitter is not something I want to be anymore. When I speak at meetings I get so much more out of listening than I do talking. That’s why I go. I hug certain people because they hug me back. I write things like this so I get to know myself better. I pray because I’m led. I open an Easter egg because I calculate there’s a chocolate inside. When something becomes a chore or I don’t feel like I’m being financially compensated or creatively fulfilled or emotionally satisfied then I’ll start making my way toward the exit. Because yes, people will want a pat on the back if they’ve busted their ass for you. And yes, I do cross my fingers that the flowers I planted will bloom. It’s simple math really, black and white, objective and uncaring. Numbers don’t lie. With my diaries magazine I had to close up shop on it. It wasn’t because I didn’t like doing it, it was because I was putting way more money into it than I was getting out. I didn’t have any expectations that I’d buy a Porsche with all my piles of profits but I was hopeful that something might pan out with it. Sure, I was sad for a little while when it didn’t but that’s okay. I wasn’t mad or angry. Not everything works out the way we’d hoped and it’s okay to give up and move on to the next thing. What’s more is that it’s okay to quit even after dedicating years to our pursuits. Sometimes the answer is “no.” I think the hardest part is knowing when to throw in that towel. If we’re true to ourselves our heart will tell us. And if we follow that voice life will become balanced again. #photos #lettherebehope #diariespodcast #diariesvideo tcr! · Apr 24, 2019 at 8:48 pm Also, be really good at asking for help. And be even better at accepting help even when you don’t ask for it. jenkins_arts · Apr 25, 2019 at 7:27 am I learned to use “long derision”, “substraction”, “multifraction”, “verisimilitude” as important functions related to getting things to add up. tcr! · Apr 26, 2019 at 2:34 pm I love a good verisimilitude. tcr! · Sep 3, 2020 at 7:36 pm I just realized I used the music already in another video. What the living F? 🙄 marney0160 · Sep 6, 2020 at 9:31 am I love it! 😘😘 tcr! · Sep 6, 2020 at 4:08 pm Thank you!! threecrates · Sep 8, 2020 at 9:39 am Great edit! Love it. 😍🤙🏻 tcr! · Sep 8, 2020 at 9:50 am Thanks! It took a bit to figure out how to work the multi camera stuff, but I like splicing nonsense together. Gives me something to do during the quarantine 🦠 Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: Apr 26, 2019 · podcast: Sep 1, 2020 Driving to work this morning I was letting my minder wander, just absentmindedly thinking about random stuff. As I do. And today I was thinking that I used to drop a lot of hints. Boxes of styrofoam peanuts without anything tangible inside. I’m going to go out on a limb here: dropping hints doesn’t work. After decades of experimentation I finally gave up. Believe me, I tried and tried to get people to read between the lines. Of my minds. And then more often than not I was only left wrongfully hurt by myself, because they couldn’t figure out what I was saying or what I was after. What I wanted. Me with poofy hair, circa December 2000I’m going to go out on another limb: being clear, concise, and direct in asking for what I want does work. Doing that removes any ambiguity. The other person just knows what I’m saying without having to do any guesswork. Screw the vague. And that’s how you both win. ❤️ Because people love candidness. People love confidence. People love honesty. I’m not saying that being direct is easy for someone like me for sure. I’m not naturally assertive. But when I walk a spiritual path it all becomes easier. Because everything will be "okay" regardless of what they say. And I do deserve nice things regardless of what my dysfunctional parts tell me. The hardest part is just figuring out what I do actually want. Wait. There’s more. The real beauty of this direct communication formula is that when other people clearly tell me what they want I, too, can listen and give them those very things. I don’t have to solve any riddles. I don't have to find the National Treasure. And that’s how you both win again. ❤️ It does take some legwork on my end to figure out how I’m going to give someone what their heart desires but really they legwork isn't that hard. I just pay attention to what people say and then let the cosmos show me how. Listen closely and let the heavens guide my words, my hands, and my heart. And all of this coming from yours truly, historically a non-talking, non-feeling, non-trusting nutcase. 😉 Yeah, I"d like a fried cake in a loop shape, cocoa flavored. What? You'd like a donut? #relationships #nicethings #diariespodcast #diariesvideo Mitchell · Apr 26, 2019 at 11:00 pm I’m laughing cuz it’s an old photo tcr! · Apr 27, 2019 at 8:45 am All good 😊 Dano · Apr 29, 2019 at 8:40 pm Couldn’t agree more. 🙏🏻 Momma J · Sep 2, 2020 at 2:04 pm Great 1st job! I loved your Ad lib facial expressions tcr! · Sep 2, 2020 at 5:59 pm Thanks! Spontaneity at its best! Momma J · Sep 2, 2020 at 5:59 pm tcr! · Sep 2, 2020 at 6:43 pm 🐔👍 Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
Having a party of one

Having a party of one

2020-08-18--:--

content: Aug 18, 2020 Not long ago I was in the 7-Eleven in Geneva. There was maybe three other people waiting to pay. One of the guys was five-ish years younger than me and barely-stand-up drunk. He was having a party of one, talking to himself, and talking to the other people even if they were doing their best to: not encourage him. To ignore him. And wait out his staggering around non-sense. Like when you tough out a deep cleaning at the dentist. 7-Eleven had their ambient classic rock playing over the ceiling speakers and the drunk dude turned around and asked the guy in front of me, “Who sings this song? Damn, this is good. I can’t remember what they’re called.” The second guy is like, “I don’t know who sings it” in all out pretty much disgust with drunk dude. Then drunk dude leaned over in an intoxicated way and said to me, “You gotta know who this is...” Not wanting to engage I bluntly interrupted him with, “I don’t know who it is. Sorry.” I didn’t even bother to make eye contact as I snubbed him.[1] Because I have plenty of social anxiety. And the last thing I wanted was for the other patrons to think I knew drunk dude or that I was even okay associating myself with him. I‘m not above standing in contempt of people who don’t take care of themselves. Especially in a crowd. Drunk dude must’ve realized that nobody was going to party with him as we stood in line to check out. He went back to mumbling to himself, nodding barely in time to the music, and then the room’s overall tension eased up. Like when the deep cleaning is almost, almost over. As I stood there relieved that I’d avoided any kind of social awkwardness I watched drunk dude shuffle up to the cashier’s counter. Now that nobody’s eyes were on me I could wrangle a little compassion and my thoughts wandered back to a “one time...” One time in the mid 2000s one of my brother’s drunk dialed me in the middle of the day from a gas station pay phone. He was wanting to party over the phone and I wanted little to do with all that. I ended up hanging up on him after he engaged in obscenities with people walking past him. “What the fuck are you looking at? I’m talking to my little brother.” I felt embarrassed for him and I wasn’t even there. Not everybody is the man trying to keep you down. And I didn’t want to be known as the “little brother” on the other end of another drunk dude’s phone. That was the last time I’ve talked to him. Because drunk and sober is not like strawberries and blueberries. It’s like strawberries and mushrooms. It’s repulsive. And I would guess that my brother was just trying to bond like we did when we were teenagers. Like when we would do our drunken stumbles into the Cedar Rapid’s 7-Eleven to shoplift more drinks and more cigarettes. And maybe steal a wheelchair. But. My take on the saying “you can never go home” is that you can never re-capture that magic. Life’s about making new memories and having new adventures. Sure, you can rekindle fires but you can’t burn the same logs. You gotta chop some new wood. And then also, it does takes a lot of courage to reach out to someone and make that phone call. It’s not an easy receiver to pick up. Drinking empowers those of us who’re broken. I miss that brother and I get what he was trying to do from that payphone but nobody wants to talk people who are drunk. Unless you yourself are drunk. So as I stood there in line at the this story’s 7-Eleven I thought about my brother and thought about the drunk dude who’d just left. “I’ve been there. I’ve been that guy.“ Many years ago of course, but I’ve called people in the middle of the day and in the middle of the night all fucked up. Been staggering drunk in public more times than I can count. Tried to be chummy good friends with people I wasn’t friends with. Bond with strangers...because really, when I was sober I felt alone. I just wanted human contact with someone I knew. For too many people drinking relieves the anxiety of being in public, of dialing the number. It’s that empowerment thing. Just opening up and talking to people. Drinking gave me that little boost I needed to overcome and simply have (or try to have) a real conversation. Have a meaningful interaction with another human. It sounds kind of dumb but I really believe there’s something to the theory that when alcoholics drink they’re trying to become more spiritual. Tune in to that cosmic frequency that they’re cut off from when sober. When I was drinking I was nicer, I was more loving and generous. I freely talked to people and oddly opposite, I wasn’t afraid of making mistakes. Even in front of other the other humans. For those of you that know me you’ll know where drinking got me, though. And where I guess that it’ll get this drunk guy, too. Stepping back out of the theoretical, I felt a smidge bad for snubbing that drunk dude in the 7-Eleven and my brother on his party time payphone. Not bad enough where it was life-changing-course bad, because I’d snub them both again if put in those same situations. But bad enough that when I saw drunk dude sitting on the curb by my truck still humming a drunken melody and scratching his lottery tickets, I walked up to him and said, “Have a good night man, and be safe out here.” Because he’s a human. Obviously got cavities, just like me. I felt compelled to say something more, do something more as I was shutting the door of my truck. But then again I’m not a super hero let alone drunk dude’s friend or even know him. So what I said was good enough. #alcoholism #socialproblems #diariespodcast #diariesvideo And of course I knew who the band was thrumming above on the 7-Eleven’s overhead speakers. It was Journey and their hit, Only the Young ↑ Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: Dec 1, 2017 · podcast: Aug 14, 2020 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOpQjD-rX0g Peeps, here’s your the-gate-is-straight Friday jam. Listening to The Doors when I was 9 and 10 opened up my musical world so much more than bands like the Beatles did. Don’t get me wrong, I love yellow submarines as much as the next u-boat commander but I met the darkly cool poet persona in songs like The End and Waiting for the Sun. I became all too familiar with the torture of losing friends, and of longing for closure when I was a teenager. Hearing Morrison sing, “waiting for you to tell me what went wrong” still resonates with me as much as it did when I was in junior high. I could relate to that so much more than when Lennon and McCartney sang, “I wanna hold your hand.” I never held girls’ hands in school. Along with the vocals and lyrics in Break on Through, the gritty distorted guitar, the vox continental organ, the bossa nova drums always remind me of driving, accelerating, smashing through whatever it is that keeps me locked up inside myself. Powerful stuff when you’re a kid. Anyways, put on some headphones, find your other side. 😊 #musicvideos #thedoors #diariespodcast Karly · Dec 1, 2017 at 11:28 am I related more to People Are Strange…and still do… tcr! · Dec 1, 2017 at 12:06 pm Yep, I’m with ya. My streets are still uneven. Wilkins · Dec 1, 2017 at 12:01 pm Have you read “No One Here Gets Out Alive” tcr! · Dec 1, 2017 at 12:08 pm No… reason being is that my brother Scott used to carrying it around his bedroom like it was his personal bible. That kinda turned me off :) Wilkins · Dec 1, 2017 at 12:21 pm well…..read it for yourself…..it was written for you too…..damn good book… Momma J · Dec 1, 2017 at 2:34 pm The author is? Jim Morrison? Wilkins · Dec 1, 2017 at 5:04 pm Danny Sugarman I believe Wilkins · Dec 1, 2017 at 12:22 pm One of my fave songs by the Doors is “Love Street”…… Monohon · Dec 4, 2017 at 1:35 pm Whisky bar Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
Just the same as me

Just the same as me

2020-08-11--:--

content: Aug 20, 2017 · podcast: Aug 11, 2020 When I'm behaving badly it's because I'm scared or my feelings are hurt or I’m upset or whatever. It’s not something I just do. There’s a reason there. And I've always appreciated it when other people have let me off the hook when I was acting badly. So long as I didn’t act too bad or push it too far. With that said when other people are behaving badly I can make a fairly safe assumption that they’re acting that way because they’re hurt or sad or upset. For one reason or another, just the same as me. I would do well to take a step back and remember how I’ve felt when I’m hurt and then think, “they could be feeling the very same.” And I can show that same kind of love and tolerance towards them that others have shown me. Everybody struggles in life. Everybody has shit they’re going through and everybody acts badly. I don’t have a dysfunction monopoly. So. This is all easy for me to say when I'm not in the middle of an argument with someone. But in those times I can always pause and ask for help because I don't do well in those heated moments. My mouth flies open and before I even know it I’m firing off angry texts or lashing out with a forked tongue. Just taking a minute to calm down, to get my feelings back to normal — that always works. I'm too prone for a knee-jerk response and pausing has been one of my go-to reactions since getting sober again.[1] In related news… The other night I was driving down the street in my neighborhood, going maybe three or four miles an hour over the speed limit. Five at most. Not incredibly fast because it’s my neighborhood and I have Maggie and my neighbors have kids, too. But I wasn’t doddling either. And then there was this dude standing maybe two feet into the street by his parked car. Holding his baby. In the dark. I barely saw them and only did because the streetlight kind of brought them out of the shadows. And so then as I was driving by the guy yells, “SLOOW DOOWN.” Instantly and immediately I was kind of pissed like, “Go fuck yourself. The fuck are you doing standing in the street holding your kid?” Whatever. 🙄 Okay, so flash forward a couple days later and now I’m thinking that wasn’t the best thing that I could've said or thought or felt. Ya, I probably could've been driving slower, driving the speed limit but it’s not like I was drag racing or something. But once again the thing that bugs me is that this scene has flashed before my eyes a couple times since then.[2] I don't really feel like I did anything wrong but it keeps flashing none the less. I think maybe because there were too many times when I didn't say something and I could have. And I should have. So when things happen where I feel like that I am in the right and don't say anything, well those things get on my nerves. It’s like I’ve got a whole backlog of them screaming to get out. It’s not like I'm running around with a headful of hate or anything but the feelings just don’t go away after I’ve felt and let them go. There obviously hasn’t been closure yet. Kind of bothers me that I just can't be confident enough to know that I didn't do anything wrong. And not only that but more importantly it also bugs me that I'm not so spiritual to honestly look at his side of it. Think to myself how that guy must’ve felt, standing by his car with his newborn and here I come roaring down the street faster than I should’ve considering the circumstances. And ya, I probably could and should pay more attention to what other people are feeling. What’s going on in their lives. I wish I could be more loving in general, more of the time than I already am. Sometimes it's hard to with the world we live[3] in but I’ll never ever go wrong or feel bad for being a better person. #advancedsoul #diariespodcast Keep in mind, sometimes it is appropriate to be inappropriate. Let the universe be your guide when you rage outrage. ↑ I’m sure I’ve written of similar before. In fact I know I have. ↑ Chances are that guy was just being an ass because he was “right.” ↑ keamoose · Aug 21, 2017 at 11:07 am Normally I’m the kind of person who skips audio and video posts because it requires me to connect headphones and I’m lazy; however, I enjoyed the audio on this. 😎 tcr! · Aug 21, 2017 at 11:25 am Thankies!! I tried to come across as if I was actually just saying it to you. I generally write how I talk so it was just a matter of slowing myself down as I tend to read faster aloud. Well, and then there were the four takes to get it up to par. ;) keamoose · Aug 21, 2017 at 11:41 am I felt like the tone matched how your posts tend to “sound” when I read them, so I definitely think your writing style is effective in sounding like the way you talk. Your reading speed was fine, and the way you read it didn’t sound over-rehearsed, but didn’t sound like you were unfamiliar with it either (I’m sure the four takes had something to do with that). ;) tcr! · Aug 21, 2017 at 12:46 pm Sounds like I came across as an authentic public speaker then. I was worried I’d only fooled myself. Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: Jun 4, 2019 · podcast: Aug 4, 2020 I knew this guy once. Well, I still kinda sorta know him now but we’re not really friends. I’ll call him Tim even though his name wasn’t Tim. Why am I thinking about Tim on this 4th of June? Because these awful hostilities would come out of his mouth. And sometimes they were directed at me and sometimes they weren’t. Sometimes I could tell their direction and sometimes I couldn’t. Sometimes his words felt like a water balloon to the back that left your shirt soaking wet and other times they felt like a full on slap to the face that left even his hand stinging. Sometimes his words applied to me but weren’t directed at me. In those times I could only think, “dude I’m standing right here.” One time I blurted out in sheer frustration, “you can’t just say whatever you want!” And then Tim replied with something along the lines of that he wasn’t going to hold back. He wasn’t going to be told what to say and what not to say. Oh good. I saw him as verbally reckless. Hence, why we’re no longer friends. I don’t want to be around someone who irresponsibly blabs whatever is on their mind, someone who doesn’t seem to care if their words hurt even if it’s unintentional. No thanks. I’ll pass on collateral damage. So here’s the backstory: when Tim was a kid his dad would often tell him to shut up. That what he was saying wasn’t important, that his opinion didn’t matter, that he didn’t count. After I learned how Tim grew up it made sense why he was prone to erupt and lash out with those awful hostilities. He’d been muzzled and muffled for so long. For too long. It’s understandable why he was the way he was. So I get it. As a kid he was oppressed as much as anybody can be in the 1980s growing up in Midwestern America. His voice had been silenced by a bully and that sucks. Here’s the thing though: when I knew Tim he was still under his father’s thumb. When he was talking to me or with me it felt like he was really talking to his dad. Much of the time he came across like I was the one trying to suppress his voice in the here and now. I just wanted to have a good relationship with him because we were forced to be in the same room. Jimi wrote of the trailer park soul years ago. I grafted that phrase onto my mental image of Tim. The wounded animal growing up and raised by trash. But you know what? I stopped caring. Where I ended up with Tim was this: boo fucking hoo. You’re a grown man with kids, a wife, a house. Get over your childhood. You live in white suburbia now. Stop carrying your dad around in your back pocket. Stop perpetuating the dysfunction handed down generation after generation. We’ve already inherited all the bad parts, they’re in us whether we like it or not. But if we don’t discard what’s useless we’ll pass it on to our kids just the same. And no, if you’re reading this you’re not Tim. Tim wasn’t even a man. And if you live in a trailer park, don’t make this about you. I’ve seen and been to my fair share of the ghetto mobile home parks so I’m qualified to talk about them. #relationships #diariespodcast #diariesvideo Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: Oct 15, 2017 · podcast: Aug 2, 2020 After Maggie goes to her mom’s for the day I’m always taken back by how quiet it is. After I get home from the errands and the store and have put away the groceries. Shut off the podcast and brought a load of laundry upstairs. I noticeably hear nothing while putting clean towels away in the bathroom. No TVs talking down in the family room. No cups filling in the kitchen. No movement on beds in the bedrooms. No dresser handles clinking. Nothing but the sounds I, myself, am making. The black plywood creeks as I walk into my bedroom. The house is so quiet the only thing I hear when I pause is the clock flipping the minutes. Not long ago there were four of us and three cats. Now there’s just me and two cats. And my phone. And the clock. I’ve gotten used to it. The stillness. The quiet. The sound of nothing but myself. It no longer breaks my heart but I always notice. ... After I moved out of my mom’s house, and then later after I moved out of my dad’s… I never really thought about what it was like to be them after I left. I was off flying my own adventures and never really looked back. I know now though. What it’s like to have an empty house. To eat dinner by myself. To go to bed without kids to herd. Without verbally saying goodnight to anyone. But it can be okay. The sun will still rise in the morning. We really do adjust and adapt so long as we don’t fight the current of where life is taking us. ... So when I was in my mid 20s I would go over to my grandmother Mildred’s house at night sometimes. Just to see what she was up to or more likely because I wanted something. 😉 She was almost always in the kitchen, sitting on a barstool, listening to her local NPR station. It seemed like her radio was always yammering on about the Iowa Democrats or political hoopla, something or another. I never understood why she just didn’t go sit on her couch. It had to be more comfortable than her barstool. But that’s where she liked to be so more power to her. And she always had something on the stove simmering. Sometimes it smelled really good and sometimes it didn’t. Anyways... After she passed away and after I got divorced from my first wife I moved in to my grandma’s house. I often would sit in that same kitchen, eating oatmeal with raisins, because I was poor, listening to a little FM. It gave me a connection to her when I felt all alone. It wasn’t easy getting divorced at 26. But that's another story. In my grandma's kitchen I learned just how awesome public radio is. So now some twenty odd years later when I’m home alone I spend more time in the kitchen than anywhere else. Listening to WBEZ or some podcast if it’s time for a WBEZ pledge drive. The horror of pledge week, let me tell ya. I never really thought much about the people I left behind, the people that stayed at home but I do now when I’m sitting by myself. The people that came before me are the ones that helped make me who I am. They’re the ones that taught me that we can be okay without someone in the next room, without someone filling up their water cup. I guess when enough gray days are strung together I get all reflective. #photos #lettherebehope #neveralone #diariespodcast fleming · Oct 15, 2017 at 4:28 pm I’m so sorry you feel this pain….been there, and you will never NOT notice….but that emotion is what makes you a loving and caring dad! tcr! · Oct 15, 2017 at 4:30 pm Nah, I’m okay but thank you for your kind words!! Momma J · Oct 15, 2017 at 11:24 pm I know what you are feeling Momma J · Oct 15, 2017 at 11:27 pm I love and respect you so much! tcr! · Oct 16, 2017 at 11:38 am And I have much love and respect for you! Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: Jul 6, 2017 · podcast: Jul 30, 2020 One time I was driving to work on a hot summer morning. Just like today. Hung over pretty bad and nursing a pint of rum. I was in complete agony, had a fiery headache, and starting to sweat because my truck didn't have air conditioning. Taking shots now and then while auto-piloting the blue Ranger along the river. I needed just enough liquor to bring my headache down to a manageable level so I could make it through until lunch. So then I saw a police car up ahead, speed-trapping the morning commuters. I got pretty scared. The last thing I wanted was to be pulled over and arrested on the way to work. When smelling like coffee and Captain Morgan. The thought of having to make that phone call from jail. At that hour. And all that would come from it… It just about broke my soul. I'd been to jail in broad daylight when I was a teenager. But being a grownup with a mortgage. Can you imagine the horror? … Anyways, I didn't get pulled over that morning, was let off the hook. And not because I deserved to be. And I count my lucky stars on hot summer mornings, just like today, when I see a police car…that that’s not me anymore. “Not doing anything wrong” is a glorious place to be. #alcoholism #lifeisgood #diariespodcast jimi hindrance experience · Jul 6, 2017 at 9:32 am You’re preaching to the choir. tcr! · Jul 6, 2017 at 9:43 am Yep 😊 jimi hindrance experience · Jul 6, 2017 at 9:44 am Listen: Billy Pilgrim has come unstuck in time. jimi hindrance experience · Jul 6, 2017 at 9:47 am There’s one thing Earthlings might learn to do, if they tried hard enough: Ignore the awful times, and concentrate on the good ones.” This quote and the preceeding one are by Mr. Vonnegut. Momma J · Jul 6, 2017 at 11:29 am I just thank God you’re alive after that horrific car accident in Ottumwa tcr! · Jul 6, 2017 at 1:50 pm That’s a whole other story… ;) tam.the.terrible · Jul 6, 2017 at 4:37 pm One I’d like to hear… Momma J · Jul 6, 2017 at 4:46 pm He’s very lucky to have survived it tam.the.terrible · Jul 6, 2017 at 4:47 pm <3 tcr! · Jul 6, 2017 at 4:51 pm This story begins with a Jim Beam, a Coke chaser, and a drum machine. Imagine if you will…a Jamaican, new wave dance-off in the heart of Ottumwa, Iowa. A crowd of maybe 10 and I, your host, fresh from a reggae retreat on the humid beaches of Costa Rica… Momma J · Jul 6, 2017 at 4:53 pm That’s not quite the way I remember it tcr! · Jul 6, 2017 at 4:55 pm No, it wasn’t a Jim Beam. If memory serves (and it usually does) that night was the only time I willingly drank Jack Daniels. Of course, I was in pursuit of a lass and unintimidated by the Wapello dragons not uncommon to that region during those cold, wintery months. DeeDee · Jul 6, 2017 at 1:14 pm Amen!! N.Norton · Jul 6, 2017 at 3:52 pm God’s grace tcr! · Jul 6, 2017 at 4:56 pm Yep! annekothe · Jul 6, 2017 at 5:05 pm There by the Grace of God Dan G · Jul 7, 2017 at 12:59 pm Looking at your photos I realize that you are a wealthy man and it could all be taken away with one drink. Congratulations on a new and better life. (The easier softer way. ) Engelhardt · Jul 7, 2017 at 6:09 pm Love this story. Love you my friend. Big hug! Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: Aug 9, 2017 · podcast: Jul 26, 2020 Sometimes I got something going on, something I’m burning too much daylight on, and I can’t figure it out. The path isn’t clear. The monkey chatter is as loud as it gets and I feel myself ratcheting up. One time way back in high school I was struggling with a drawing. When I asked my art teacher for help she told me that I’d overworked it. And she was right, plain as day, clear as mud. I’d added layer upon layer of colored pencil and the drawing had turned to shit. Inspiration and tension don’t mix. If I don’t know the answer, don’t know what to do, stepping back always works. Put whatever down, take a breather. Let it go and move on to something else. It’s not always easy because I’m real good at continually trying to sculpt life as if it were a firm mound of wet clay. Squeezing the hell outta it until my hands are aching and sore. And most of the time that doesn’t work for me. Life’s not like that. Inspiration often knocks on my door when I'm not looking for it, not forcing it. It's like, “That wasn't my idea. I don't know where it came from…but it's brilliant.” Pause. Take a few minutes, hours, maybe more, and enjoy something else life has to offer. Get my head on straight. There’s no reason for me to be in a hurry. When I return I'm blessed with clarity, guidance. If anything I’ve relaxed and let go of my frustration. In a kinda-related example I offer two moonflower pictures from yesterday. Same flower, 40 minutes apart. It just needed some time to sort itself out. I didn’t need to “manage” the miracle. Trust the process. Trust the cosmos. It knows what it’s doing. More than we do. #photos #moonflowers #advancedsoul #diariespodcast tcr! · Aug 9, 2017 at 9:01 am Okay, one more moonflower picture. I’ll be handing out seeds in the fall. Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
Doing more, more, more

Doing more, more, more

2020-07-16--:--

content: Nov 10, 2017 · podcast: Jul 16, 2020 Back when I was drinking I wasn’t enough. Inside. I wanted something, anything to tell me that I was. And one of those things I wanted, probably the biggest was “more.” Not just more drinking but more “doing”, too. Constantly feeling on the go, I got this to do and that to do. Doing more, wanting more. More, more, more. And then when I would actually do something, I never felt like I could commit to it because everything else I had to do was on my mind as well. Looking back now I can see that underneath all of that “more”, I felt that if I could just get all these things done, then I’d be happy. That you’d be happy with me. I’d feel like that I was enough. That I’d accomplished something with my life. That I’d be a complete person like everybody else. It’s the textbook example of a “human doing” instead of a “human being.” As it were. What’s more is that when people would ask me to do something, I’d be like “sure, okay” even if I didn’t want to, even if I felt like they were just out for themselves. I’d already be juggling too many balls but hey, what’s one more up in the air? More is good, right? It’s no wonder I felt overwhelmed for most of my life. So getting sober, being sober I had to learn how many balls I could actually juggle. I had to learn how and when to say “no.” And learning how to say “no” to myself came a lot easier than learning how to say “no” to other people. By working the 12 steps, going to meetings, hanging out and talking with other people in recovery and my sponsor, I learned how to live sober. I learned how to be assertive and accept what I can do and what I can’t do. We learn our lessons, we learn our skills one day at a time, one conversation at a time. We’re not going to master life in an hour. It takes time to absorb new concepts and then practice them in our daily lives. Even more so when you’re like me and have a whole slew of unhealthy behaviors to let go of first. I can’t say enough for setting boundaries either. There’s plenty of people that also want “more.” And they will try to take their “more” from us, too. And we’ll have to learn how to deal with them if we want to be at peace with ourselves. Step 10 from Alcoholics Anonymous reminds me to continually look at my inventory, see what’s going on and how I feel. And then Step 11 reminds me that I need to look for God’s will and the power to carry that out. Similar to before, it’s easier for me to see when my will differs from God’s. But then it’s a little trickier to figure out where someone else’s will and God’s will differ. Like when someone would ask me to do something and then I thought that was God’s will, God wanting me to step up and do whatever. And sometimes it is. But then also sometimes it isn’t. There’s plenty of people in the world that will take advantage of us, that will try to use and manipulate us. When they ask something of us that doesn’t necessarily mean that that’s God‘s will and that we have to do it. I think that it could be God‘s will that a lesson just came into my life through those people. And that lesson very well could be learning how to and continuing to practice saying “no.” We were talking about the Serenity Prayer last night in a meeting, accepting the things that we cannot change and so on. Sometimes I have a whole list of things I need to do. Chores and groceries and errands and bills and laundries. Being responsible is something that I can’t really change. So I prioritize, do what I can each day, and let that be good enough.[1] If I’m in a good spiritual place that will come relatively easy. It’s important to remember there’s more to the Serenity Prayer than just acceptance. I sometimes forget that. The prayer isn’t about me blindly accepting whatever comes along as God’s will. There’s also the “courage to change the things I can.” And sometimes that’s me telling another person “no.” That I’m not going to cosign their bullshit. As it were. I’m not letting you have any more of my stuff. Jimi told me once not to do something I didn’t really want to do. Yeah, sometimes I’m being lazy and don’t want to do whatever but there’s also times when I don’t feel comfortable with what someone is asking. In those situations I need to find the wisdom to know the difference between a- if I’m being self-centered and b- if me doing whatever will only end up hurting me. I find that wisdom by pausing. If someone asks me to do something and I’m not completely on board with it then me saying, “let me get back to you on that” is the best thing that I can do. I don’t work well under the spotlight, I need time to inventory and seek God’s will before I agree to something. And God will show me the path because “god could and would if sought.” Jimi also reminds me often that we’re entitled to serenity, that it’s our divine right to peace and happiness. If I look at the first three words of the Serenity Prayer, “God grant me”, they support that entitlement. To wrap this up, I’m not trying to juggle more balls these days. I don’t want that quest. I want inner peace. Having “more”, doing “more” doesn’t make me feel good or complete. Being right with God, being right with me, and being right with you guys, that does. #advancedsoul #twelvesteps #diariespodcast And then I take a nap. Give myself a break. Reward myself for being responsible and doing the right thing. ↑ fleming · Nov 10, 2017 at 9:52 am Wow…great insight! Glad you’re in a better place now! tcr! · Nov 10, 2017 at 10:26 am Thank you! Peasful87 · Nov 10, 2017 at 10:45 am Love this! Thank you for sharing. I was the same, always filling my time with things and stuff. I could never say no. But now I make sure to take time out for me, to process things, check in with God. I’d stepped away from meetings recently, but I’ve realised now how important those and the step work is. Having that space to express yourself, to be able to look at yourself and your behaviour and think where can I do better. Magic! tcr! · Nov 10, 2017 at 2:20 pm You are most welcome! And thanks for your comments, too. Self-critique is where I seem to fall short the most, but man does it do me wonders. VankeleGlam · Nov 10, 2017 at 6:13 pm Thank you for this! I’ve always been a “yes” gal, to my own detriment. It’s difficult to differentiate, for me at least, what IS god’s will and what is me playing martyr by pleasing everyone around me. That’s danger zone and leads to resentment and self pity and we all know those are not good places to be. I’m now giving myself permission to do nothing, and by that I mean sitting in bed while eating TWO different types of ice cream and watching Louie. (Friday night rager!) Strength and serenity to all! ☺️ tcr! · Nov 11, 2017 at 7:55 am “permission to do nothing” — love it! Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: Jun 6, 2018 · podcast: Jul 8, 2020 One time when I was eight or so I was out in the front yard washing my bike with the hose. I especially liked spraying the pedals and watching them spin out of control. My bikes have been near and dear to me ever since I learned how to ride and I took great pride in washing this one since it was my first main bike. My oldest brother, who is eight years older, came home during my wash cycle with a carload of his friends. They were all teenagers and way cool in their rock band t-shirts and long hair. I always wanted to be around them but that never happened much during the Allison Avenue era. I was still playing with my Star Wars guys and they out were out driving around, smoking cigarettes, and whatever. But just having an older brother part of the fight club was good enough to make me feel part of something cool. While my six foot tall brother was walking up the driveway he said to me and my bike, “you can’t polish a turd.” Nice 🙄 I just stood there, unable to retaliate, not even knowing how. Scorn like that is how someone goes from innocently washing their bike to someone who is suspicious by default. Because that’s how you demolish someone. That brother was often relentless with his taunting and ridicule. Even worse is that he had the real capacity to be charming and loving but then that was always heavily salted with his hellfire and damnation. He may have just been giving me a hard time as older brothers do.[1] But then again, It was really much more than that. When he was around it was a psychotic war zone. Bombs could drop any minute so I lived on edge during during the times of peace. One minute we’d be laughing it up in front of the tube and then when I wasn’t paying attention he’d snap me with one of them big red rubber bands. I could think up a bunch of horror stories but I don’t want to. Anyways, time went by as it does and we both grew as people, evolved into more than who we’d always been. We even lived together for a few years in the 90s. Rented a house, being 20 somethings and all, getting on with our lives. One sunny 90s morning I was sitting on the floor in my bedroom strumming my acoustic while my girlfriend, Kathy, was laying on the bed doing her own thing. And then he came into the bedroom and in one sentence belittled my guitar skills. I don’t remember exactly what he said because I was instantly pissed. Shaming me in front of my girlfriend had made me so angry I couldn’t even talk. Not to mention that I was a far better guitar player than he was. Of course, he wasn’t really saying that I wasn’t a good musician, he was simply putting me down in order to prop himself up. And that particular time I don’t think it was simple ribbing, not from his tone and plus it was in front of Kathy. And she was pretty cute. And I wanted to trust him around her but I didn’t. He wasn’t a saint in that arena either. Pausing and looking back again, trying to see him as a fundamentally good human being, maybe, possibly he was just giving me a hard time. He may have even felt that he took it too far that time based on my reaction. I don’t know. What I do know is that both of those public shamings are still with me. I remember holding my flattop guitar and holding the garden hose with him looming over me both times, using his words to cut me. In 2013 Maggie and I saw him for a couple of hours. We were on a weekend getaway and he was living less than an hour from where we were staying. I wanted to put all the past behind us. I wanted Maggie to know the person who I would often share good stories about. And while we were there sitting in the park and Maggie swang he gave me a honorable apology, said that he was never the older brother that he should’ve been. I’ve told that story before. But scorpions are scorpions. I hate to be pessimistic but I have a hard time believing people fundamentally change. At the atomic level. I’m not completely sold on this idea but…bad behaviors only seem to go dormant and often will spring back to life on a moment’s notice. I don't trust a dog who is known to bite not to bite it just because it’s gotten older. We can forgive and forget but abuse stays with us forever. Sticks and stones will break your bones and words can cut you to your soul. Yeah, we can do our best to let it go and move on but sometimes hurt runs too deep and then you’ll be out mowing your yard and shit like this will bubble to the surface. And before you know it you’ll have a manifesto on why you don’t talk to your brother. But that’s part of the process. If feelings surface unprovoked it means we’re not finished with them yet. I think sometimes people are too eager to forgive and forget, myself included. Sometimes we don’t fully acknowledge our pain and then try to shuffle it out the front door before we’re through with it. That doesn’t work. Sara and I were discussing this whole topic not long ago. On a recent podcast she listened to the person talked about “leaning into our pain.” Sometimes we have to weather a storm and it takes years before the sky clears and we’re able to stand in the sunshine. The miserable clouds will part if we’re patient and willing, though. Embrace the demons that haunt us. But always keep in mind the goal is to set them free, not to give them safe harbor for an eternity. So then in 2015 my brother called and left a vulgar voicemail, swinging his verbal clubs in a way I hadn’t heard for over a decade. Drunk and disorderly and par for the course when he dials your number. He was saying something along the lines of how my whole life that I hated him because I wasn’t courageous enough to be him. That I’d only fumbled around my whole life and my music was shit. No, I hated him at times because he was an asshole. And it was on that day that I was all done with him. I blocked his number and closed the mountain door to keep him and his torment out forever. I wrote him off for good that time. There’re far too many people in my life who I enjoy being around to deal with his shit anymore. One of my sisters told Maggie one time that we choose who are family is. I also believe that we choose who our family is not. … On an iPhone when you block someone’s number their voicemails go into Deleted Messages in case you really do want to listen to them later. Over the next several months he left me several more voicemails but I never listened to any of them. Sometimes I wonder if there was a heartfelt apology in one of them somewhere. But then again for the most part I don’t care. Apologies mean nothing if you keep being an asshole. If you continue to build a person up and then rip them down like it's normal family behavior, normal social interaction. I get that as a child he was wounded, scarred and battered. It wasn’t his idea to act like a monster, to punch my friends because he himself was fucked up. But being an asshole as an adult because of what happened when you were a kid is bullshit. I couldn’t imagine talking to my siblings (or anyone else for that matter) the way that my brother talked to me. While Sara and I were talking about feeling our pain, she said that while being a nurse she learned that everybody has a tragedy, everybody’s got a heartbreaking story. Pro-tip: don’t give people their own. And then the final part of this story is that I have to be really careful when writing on this subject because being a writer I want to tell a good story. All of my stories are true for sure, but when I get emotional and angry it’s hard not to exaggerate the torment. Our memories of what really happened don’t always line up with the truth. We remember painful experiences often much more intensely than they really were.[2] It’s just hard to be factual when people hurt our feelings. Because they hurt our feelings. Not only do we have those traumatic memories but we also have the hours and days with those memories that can warp how we remember things. It’s not just what happened but also that we live with what happened for the rest of our lives. So just maybe my brother wasn’t the villain I remember him as. I’m inclined to believe that people generally aren’t. There's only been a handful of times that I've set out to be an asshole. And I don’t want to discount the fact that he was a jerk because most people who know him would say that he was. But then also, I need to be careful that my unintentionally bent imagination doesn’t become my version of the truth with how I remember the things he did. I’m sure when I was younger I would intentionally bloat my stories so people were on my side, so I could justify feeling hurt. In the here-and-now I sometimes do that as well, but never on purpose because really, at the end of the day I just want to be honest. I don’t want to minimize or maximize. There’s a lot to be said for the truth. And my pain only hurts me. I don’t want to lug agony around anymore. I don’t want it to define who I am.[3] I just want to feel my shit and move on. I got other shit to do. I took a screenshot of the voicemail transcript he left in 2015. Because that’s what you do when you’re me. While proofreading all of this I went back and looked at the voicemail screenshot just to see how accurate my memory was. The transcription didn’t quite line up with what I wrote that he said. I can remember things happening a certain way but that doesn’t mean they really played out as my memory recalls. So then I rewrote parts of this to bring it in line with the truth. #advancedsoul #diariespodcast To his credit, little brothers can be annoying for sure. They don’t know how to act so they act out and that can get on people’s nerves. ↑ Don't say I’m trying to take away your pain because I’m not. 😉 ↑ What would be left if our pain was gone? Who would we be? We’d be free. ↑ Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: Jul 26, 2017 · podcast: Jul 1, 2020 I watched my mom go through something last year, something that was heart wrenching and devastating. It made her bitter and angry and changed how she saw things. What happened is her story and not important to this. What is important and what I want to share is how watching her cope with the whole situation made me a better person. I'm very proud of her, proud of how she went through it with courage, strength, and dignity. That she made it through just by feeling what she was feeling. It gave me hope, made me want to be a better person, made me want to be my best self in times of turmoil. Since I stopped drinking, stop smashing my life with a drunken wrecking ball I don't have many times where life comes along and instills “the fear” in me or "the hate." Not very often anyway. However, every now and then something will happen that scares the shit outta me or sets my insides on fire. Because that's life. A curveball from left field will drop in and then I'll have all these emotions and I won’t know what to do. Being who I am, my brain seems wired all wrong because I know of this escape hatch I can jump through to immediately change how I feel. I haven't considered drinking an option since I was, well, drinking but people with addictive personalities have this built-in switch that can be flipped to instantly tweak how we feel. Having a good time? Gobble some pills and it’ll be ten times more fun. Nothing going on? Have a drink and get that party started. Feeling down? Get high and the world will go away. Having some emotional pain? Just shut down. So way back when in the 90s the first time I got sober Jimi told me the only thing that I had to do with my feelings was feel them. WHAT??!? Experience my emotions? That’s crazy talk. My life plan at the very least was to be comfortable and for much of my life whenever I had a feeling I didn't like, I wanted it to go away. I mean like right now. I couldn’t handle them[1] so I would shove them way down where nobody could see. Including me. Then I didn't have to deal with the surge of adrenaline, the accelerated heartbeat, the flushed face, the spinning top thoughts taking me somewhere I most surely didn’t want to go. But there's a side effect of condemning my feelings to my own internal hell. It leads to ulcers and outbursts. Headaches and meltdowns. The almighty pressure cooker we all know and love. You probably know this but I didn’t until almost 30: stuffing the feelings doesn’t make them go away -- they go deep. Feeling my unpleasant feelings wasn’t a skill I’d ever mastered so whenever I had them they felt a hundred times worse than they should have. And they lasted forever. And so I kept them under a rug. One time when I was maybe 22 my first ex-wife made a joke about me to another guy when I was leaving the room. I didn’t turn around or acknowledge it. I let it hurt my feelings for close to five months before I said something to her. My insides were torn up that whole time. So again because repetition is the key: not feeling feelings didn't work, doesn't work. Not talking about them puts thorns in my relationships and more. So back to Jimi’s revolutionary concept. What does work is for me just to feel however I feel and then let it go. When I do that the feelings don't last nearly as long and then they truly do go away. Sometimes I feel particularly “vibrant” ones for days, or weeks, or maybe even months but their intensity fades as time goes by and I get on with my life. In the here and now I don’t rage nearly as much and not for nearly as long. About what isn’t important because I used to rage about most everything. The other pearl Jimi gave me was “don’t make it any worse.” And I'm real good at making things worse, dumping guzzolene on the fire. “OMG there's a pan on the stove, it’s starting to smoke. Imma grab this rag soaked in gas and beat the hell outta it.” I’ve been known to get in there and “fix, manage, and control” like they say in Al-Anon. But there's nothing for me to fix because I'm not broken. And the only thing I need to manage is my reaction. And there's nothing for me to control because controlling doesn’t work. Pro-tip: don’t try any of the above and see how it works out. Whatever’s happening will pass and then I get to move on. Whew… I’ve had people ask me how to "let it go" as if there’s a secret behind it. It’s a valid question and one I struggled with more than I’d like to admit. Being alcoholics and addicts we tend to think there’s magic hidden somewhere because drugs and alcohol are like the dark arts we've grown accustom to practicing. But brace yourself: there’s no pixie dust, no secret scrolls, no potions, no +10 rings. What I need to do with a crisis is the same thing I need to do any other time something happens: go to meetings, talk with my sponsor, work the steps[2], and pray. That’s it. That’s the big holy grail. Often there’s nothing more for me to do than the above. Other times there are reasonably sane things I can do. Talking about what's going on with my friends is important. It’s part of the process of letting it go. Helps me figure out what’s up and what’s down. Plus, emotions are like air in a balloon. Let it out. I was never good at communicating but if I want to make it outta life alive, I needed to learn. Once I found kindred spirits to bond with, talking came easier. Practice helps, too. And I need to see the good in people, too. Most likely they’re not out to get me regardless of what the fear tells me. When I finally did talk to Kathy months later about the joke she made, she was upset with herself (and me, too) because she didn't know what she said had even hurt my feelings. She was just trying to be funny. Sometimes I’ll still shut down on people or situations because I’m not a ninja here. I’m human and have been wired wrong for as long as I can remember. But I make an effort in the here and now because I know there’s peace on the other side. We deal with life as it comes up. It makes us who we are, makes us stronger, makes us bigger. Making it through prepares us for the next curveball. Yep, there’ll be more. Because that’s life. And then we share what we’ve been through with our friends and family. And then it helps them on their journeys. Just like watching my mom helped me. To wind this down… When I was growing up I felt like that I was missing the user guide for living, that elusive instruction manual for life. If you're missing yours be forewarned: there’s a long chapter on this whole feeling your feelings business in that book. Feel the feelings. Nobody ever died from having one. Be uncomfortable as needed.[3] #advancedsoul #lettherebehope #diariespodcast Turns out I just didn’t know how. ↑ If you don’t go to AA or whatever, there’s some kind of something out there for you. Find it. ↑ A guy said in a meeting once, “the people who make it are the ones who get used to being uncomfortable.” ↑ DeeDee · Jul 26, 2017 at 11:39 am 😊 tam.the.terrible · Jul 26, 2017 at 1:07 pm We live in a time when we do our best to keep all sorts of discomfort away. One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn is to sit with my emotions and feel them and be uncomfortable. I went through an angry, bitter time myself. Wish I could have dealt…See More tcr! · Jul 26, 2017 at 4:21 pm That’s good stuff. My therapist used to tell me to “be a better person.” Sometimes it seems easier just to be the people that we know how to be but the only thing that does is compound the pain. We’ll rarely go wrong with striving for something better. And it’s pretty awesome that we get to grow at our own pace. marney0160 · Jul 26, 2017 at 5:15 pm Love this! You’re a fantastic writer. Could I share this? tcr! · Jul 26, 2017 at 5:20 pm Yep, absolutely! tcr! · Jul 26, 2017 at 5:26 pm And thank you! Irene · Jul 26, 2017 at 8:01 pm My heart goes out to the two of you keep up the good work love you jimi hindrance experience · Jul 27, 2017 at 2:22 am The first time I was in treatment a counselor told me that all I had to do to get sober was to climb from the ground to the roof of the hospital on the outside walls, in a blizzard, naked, upside down. She only let me think about how cold it was going to be for a second and then said, “Jim. I lied. That won’t work. What you’re gonna have to do is not drink or use drugs.” She let that shit SINK IN. I was flabbergasted. I thought sure there was some kind of magic something. A pill. What I really had in mind was a pill. They’d obviously worked so well in the past. But if not magic or a pill or some kind of mysterious hoo dooery, what was it going to be? Never mind what the counselor said, she was out of her goddam mind. Fast forward a couple hours, piled up, exponentially. Now I’m stark raving sober. Guess what? Sobriety was not a vaccine for life and what ails ya. Complete opposite. It was like stripping the insulation off my goddam nerves. Example: I slid on the ice and dented a hole in a garage. My first answer? Suicide. No. I’m not joking. TCR talked about the wiring of me and my ilk. It’s peculiar to say the least. We run to extremes. Example: The old one about when the guy who took a pill and it felt good. He didn’t want to know what 2 of them felt like. He wanted to know what THIRTY of them felt like. Interlude: I think this is why there’s no successful way to make one of us drink or use ‘normally’, as in not to excess. We have to either do it all the way or not at all. Amusing observation: We’re fun on dates. I knew a girl who was also a qualified substance enthusiast and we went back to her place. About an hour after knowing her she opened up what was literally a wee suitcase and she had battery powered, plug in the wall and wind up amusements. She wasn’t messing around. We nicknamed her the Black and Decker Power Tool Poster Girl. I may have whispered a detail or two to the boys and within the next couple months they beat a path to her (ahem) back door. Enough about all that. I didn’t think I had any secrets from me. I thought I knew everything there was to know about me. Turns out ‘that demon life’* had some tricks up his sleeve. **Prepared for Twilight Scanning Departures Ancient Illumination Arrives on Time In the middle of my life, stark raving sober, I got my heart broke. And it was nobody’s fault but mine. I was still too afraid to use dope again. I was forced to pick up pen and paper (a glowing screen with a keyboard) and start bleating about the after lie.*** Bleating is a wonderful way to get the feelings out of my noggin or heart or guts and into the open air. I was kind of jangly. ^^^The tangled, jangled, star-spangled manner in which we receive the blessings inflicted upon us This wasn’t even the end of the first act. In all truth, there were Parts II, III, IV, etc yet to play out. I liked to think that I kept falling in love but there’s not a lot of validity to the notion of falling when I went running for the cliff with the blinders and handcuffs still on (just a feeble attempt at humor and a nod to Joy, the Black and Decker Girl). I found out that I stalk abandonment like a, er, a…a junkie with a crush. It doesn’t matter which curtain I choose, Karma and Hubris will always come to collect, and they are timely book keepers. I’ll be screening them calls like a televangelist with a teenage boyfriend, and they’ll still know when I’m hurrying to my car, hoping I only get named and not indicted. More to follow. You know why we trudge the road to happy destiny? ‘Cuz it’s hard to tap dance when you’re knee deep in bull shit. *”that demon life” —- Jagger and Richards **Prepared for Twilight —- jimihindranceexperience ***”the after lie” —- more jimi ^^^”The tangled, jangled, etc” —- even more jimi (I told you Hubris would have her day in court, didn’t I?) jimi hindrance experience · Jul 27, 2017 at 4:10 am …where i should be all the time tcr! · Jul 27, 2017 at 9:44 am > We have to either do it all the way or not at all. Somebody asked me once, “why don’t you just smoke less?” And then I was all like: 😅 jimi hindrance experience · Jul 27, 2017 at 9:47 am I forgot to credit Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., for the lines re: “I didn’t think I had any secrets from me. I thought I knew all there was to know about me.” These lines are lifted virtually verbatim from Slaughterhouse Five. I should have shown more care and merely let them inspire me. When I wrote the above bleat, I intended to credit him and I was typing so fast I forgot. Mea Culpa for the faux pas. The rest is from a tangled, jangled, star spangled hallucination/inspiration resulting from mixing sweet tea, chicken sandwich, night shift and good friends. May we be in Heaven five minutes before the Devil knows we’re Gratefully Dead. jimi hindrance experience · Jul 28, 2017 at 2:55 am the best way i know to feel my feelings is to get quiet. real quiet. no: music, video on any screen, books and/or other people. pets may be ok, but with qualifiers. after you been quiet for awhile, sit with that for awhile. whatever comes up, let it. and don’t be surprised if you get…emotional. after the first one or two, you might get ok with it. tcr! · Aug 2, 2017 at 9:01 am > is to get quiet Yep, that’s good stuff. I’m the busiest when I got uncomfortable feelings going on. I’m mostly good most of the time at turning off the overdrive and just being alone and quiet with me and whatever I’m feeling. Occasionally I’ll set a trash can on fire afterward. tcr! · Aug 2, 2017 at 9:02 am Boy, is it nice when the thunderstorm blows over. Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! 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content: Aug 27, 2018 · podcast: Jun 25, 2020 Racist n.  A person who believes a particular race is superior to others. Bigot n.  One who is strongly partial to one's own group, religion, race, or politics and is intolerant of those who differ. Prejudice n.  An adverse judgment or opinion formed beforehand or without knowledge or examination of the facts. Just so I'm clear... A racist hates your race. A bigot hates anyone who doesn't agree with them. And if you're prejudice then you're an ignorant hater. I'm pretty sure I'm not a racist or bigot. I will admit, however, there've been times when I have been prejudice. Where I've made up my mind on something without reviewing the latest facts and then plunged head first into the pool. Researching an issue isn't fun. It's so much easier to spout off from the hip with whatever info I already have. Assume that I'm "right" now because I was "right" yesterday. That's not a good idea for long though. The world changes. It reminds me of this tweet from @MelvinofYork: Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It's a timeline, not a deposition Politics evolve. People grow. They remodel their houses. Life is dynamic, peeps. It's not as stagnant as I often subconsciously assume.[1] Of all the things I wanted to be as a kid, closed-minded wasn't one of them. As Jimi once said, "there are many other good books out there." In the here-and-now, shutting the door on a topic because I've made up my mind is bullshit.[2] Do I wanna be an uninformed ass in life or do I wanna give people a chance and make informed decisions? Even more, do I wanna hold on to my ideas because they’re the only ideas I’ve ever had? Because I don’t wanna take the time to think about the bigger picture? We're better than that. Okay, this has been all over the place. But whatever, I do what I want. #beagoodperson #diariespodcast I might even change my mind about the unions. ↑ The idea of hate toward another for unreasonable reasons doesn’t count in my disdain. It’s shallow and dumb. ↑ fleming · Aug 27, 2018 at 10:30 am VERY well said! tcr! · Aug 27, 2018 at 10:37 am Thank you!! Momma J · Aug 27, 2018 at 11:36 am Open minded - maturity tcr! · Aug 27, 2018 at 1:17 pm Yep, for sure! jimi hindrance experience · Aug 27, 2018 at 3:55 pm THANKIES. Not just cuz you mentioned me, but for the eloquent treatise on intolerance, hate, bigotry. You da man! tcr! · Aug 27, 2018 at 4:39 pm I don’t know if I was eloquent but thank you! You’re a regular point of reference in my spiritual life. 😊 Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: Feb 23, 2018 · podcast: Jun 4, 2020 Here’s a peek behind the curtain. Maggie and I are both introverts. We’re most comfortable hanging out alone or with just one or two people. In the winter we isolate even more. It’s cold outside and neither of us are into sledding and all that wintery hoopla. After these past Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year holidays I was worried we’d hibernate on the weekends, just she and I in front of the TV watching Lost. I was worried we’d turn into The Shining twins or something come February. With all that in mind we made a deal last month that she would have a get-together one weekend and then I would have one another weekend. Step outside of our comfy, familiar boxes because even though we have people over now and then, we don’t do it often. Nor do we have a lot of people over at once. Especially people that have never been over before. Okay, now wait a second. Inviting new people over? That’s crazy talk. That’s inviting anxiety to come over and play in our heads. Spiral downward with us for a moment if you will... What if people say no? What if nobody shows up? What if we run out of drinks? What if they don’t have a good time and then spread nasty rumors come Monday? Maggie said to me, “What if someone picks up the cats? What if a boy goes in my room? We’re gonna need rules, dad.” So really is it worth it to even bother with get-togethers considering this kind disaster potential? With all this mental back and forth? With all the “I’ve never done this before” sinking kinda feelings. There’s so many messy variations and ugly permutations that planning something out of the ordinary can feel overwhelming, to the point where it’s easier just to shut down and not do anything. But all of that is bullshit. A good way to just stay stuck. To live in the nuclear age of prepackaged TV dinners around ye boob tube. Where our neighbors are just strangers and the only people we know are on social media. I don’t know why it bothers me that I don’t know how tall my Facebook-only friends are. But it does. Anyways, fear shouldn’t paralyze us from living life to it’s fullest or even doing the simple things that we want to do. If we think too much about how something can work or even if it could work, or if we’d feel awkward or out of place, we just end up in an anxious mind fuck where nothing happens and we never do anything. We miss out. I tell myself to “stop thinking” all the time because I generally only end up with a list of reasons why not. At the beginning of this month Maggie and I decided that none of that shit matters. We’d put ourselves out there and let everything else fall into place. Stay out of the doomsday predictions and let the cosmos take care of the rest. So what if nobody comes? We should focus on the people that do, enjoy their company. They’re the ones that count come 6pm anyway. If we run out of drinks, big deal. The cats will take care of themselves, too. Who gives a fuck what happens. It’ll be fun. Mark Manson’s “zero fucks given” mantra was about finding the appropriate things to give a fuck about. And I’m excited that you guys are coming over. That’s what I give a fuck about at the moment. I’ll leave you with the tried and true: make plans but don’t plan the results. Even better: make plans and assume the future will be good. Also, if you feel socially awkward in general or even about just coming over, don’t worry much. All of my friends, all the people I invited are good people. Otherwise I wouldn’t be friends with them and they certainly wouldn’t be coming over. There's something about each of them that I admire and respect. Mix it up, talk to people, see what happens. I can’t entertain all of you at once. #lettherebehope #socialproblems #tatertotmixer #diariespodcast Follow up: here's some photos. tcr! · Feb 23, 2018 at 6:16 pm I suppose I should go to the store before tomorrow 🤔 heylinda · Feb 23, 2018 at 6:17 pm 5’1” fleming · Feb 23, 2018 at 6:18 pm Haha….5’2” !!! heylinda · Feb 23, 2018 at 6:29 pm Yeah short Lindas! Karly · Feb 23, 2018 at 7:00 pm Apparently there will be a lot of short people. 5’ 1 3/4”! Lol. Momma J · Feb 23, 2018 at 7:01 pm I’m predicting a good time will be had by all, especially with the two of you doing the entertaining! I wish I could be there! Momma J · Feb 23, 2018 at 7:02 pm 4 feet 11 and 3/4 inch tcr! · Feb 23, 2018 at 7:14 pm Wait. You’re not even 5 foot tall? Momma J · Feb 23, 2018 at 7:40 pm No but don’t tell anyone! angeline35 · Feb 25, 2018 at 8:00 am Mom I think you just let the cat out of the bag :) Munson · Feb 23, 2018 at 7:03 pm You have a gift for writing. tcr! · Feb 23, 2018 at 7:16 pm Thank you! 😊 Munson · Feb 25, 2018 at 8:38 am You’re welcome. I have many thoughts. Very few get written down. asquared01 · Feb 23, 2018 at 8:01 pm 5’3 and 1/2 :) sveagrabarek · Feb 23, 2018 at 8:20 pm I’ll host your party if you chaperone the turnabout dance for me tomorrow! tcr! · Feb 23, 2018 at 10:56 pm What’s a turnabout dance? sveagrabarek · Feb 24, 2018 at 10:23 am Sadie Hawkins…high school dance i have the pleasure of chaperoning tonight. keamoose · Feb 23, 2018 at 9:00 pm Well said, and I’m 5’7”. 😉 CE Garcia · Feb 23, 2018 at 9:17 pm That’s deep… Probably deeper than the Mariana trench tcr! · Feb 23, 2018 at 11:14 pm I go all in 😊 marney0160 · Feb 23, 2018 at 9:46 pm We’ll be there…..we’re not even 5 feet tall……..blahahahaaaaaa! tcr! · Feb 23, 2018 at 10:56 pm Ryan is taller than 5’ right? marney0160 · Feb 24, 2018 at 1:29 pm Ok you got me…. marney0160 · Feb 24, 2018 at 1:31 pm Actually the birthday dinner by Mark was cancelled. He has the flu. I prob will pop in for a bit but i think Ryan decided to go hang with friends tcr! · Feb 24, 2018 at 2:54 pm Hurray! Kelly K · Feb 23, 2018 at 11:17 pm I’m honored to be among the people you invited, and look forward to it. It is one of the best names & ‘themed’ get togethers I’ve heard of. Seriously, what’s better than tatter tots? I am probably the exact opposite of an introvert, so I cannot empathi…See More Zac Lee · Feb 24, 2018 at 10:44 am Wish i could make it Traverse😜 tcr! · Feb 24, 2018 at 2:54 pm Next time my man! I’ll bring the rubber nipples 👍 Momma J · Feb 25, 2018 at 10:18 am How was the tater tot party? Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: Sep 17, 2017 · podcast: May 24, 2020 I’ve gotten a lot of feedback, much of it good, from the Proof would kill me duet. If you haven’t read them you should. Pause, go now, and resume reading afterward. Anyways... A good chunk of people can relate to the tragedy of infidelity because they’ve experienced it themselves. I don’t wanna say it’s common place but it’s certainly not unusual. I’ve had experience with it on both sides. Because I’m an asshole. The “cheating” part isn’t something that we really like to talk about either. Or even acknowledge. The only reason I talk about it openly now is because it was so long ago. And I’m not married to Kathy any more either. The “I’m not enough” feelings that are front and certain during it are downright crushing. And to be completely honest, I wasn’t enough for Kathy during that time. I was emotionally crippled by my own issues and other bullshit. I couldn’t be there for her in ways that she need me to. She deserved much better than what I had to offer. You want to have a healthy relationship with someone? Clean out your fucking basement. Some people have asked me why I still think about it. It’s not like I don’t have closure there because I do. There’s nothing more that I could say or would want to say to Kathy try to fix any of it. It’s not broken today. It’s as closed as it’s ever going to be. I think the reason why I think about it now and then is because, well, Sara and I were watching an episode of Westworld and there’s a scene where Jeffrey Wright’s character is talking to his wife or ex-wife and she says that maybe they should stop talking about their dead son. And then Jeffrey’s character says, “the pain is all that I have left” or something similar. Not talking about shit has done me more damage than the actual shit itself. The Westward scene doesn’t directly translate to my situation with Kathy but it resonates in that that short-lived, 3 1/2 year era we shared — all of those experiences, for better or worse, shaped me into who I am today. And I don’t want to necessarily forget about them because some 20 odd years later they help me be the best me that I can be. In the here and now. I don’t want to ever forget about the lessons and the heartache because I want to take those tragic experiences and use them to keep me on a spiritual path today. If that makes sense. It’s the classic doomed history repeating itself. It’s like I’m not as much of an asshole now because I haven’t forgot how much of an asshole I was then. How much of an asshole you ask? One time I had a picture of another girl in my pants pocket and forgot about it. It was just a picture, nothing more than that but a picture of another girl nonetheless. On laundry day Kathy found that picture while doing my laundry and laid it on top of my folded clothes. She didn’t say a word either. Ouch. Back to the here and now… I want to be able to share my experience, strength, and hope with other people if that helps them move beyond something that’s been holding them back. We deserve to live a life with less pain. Life’s fucking hard enough without carrying yesterday’s torments around. I had one other thought on all of this, too. John Roderick said something on his podcast about walking into his class reunion with preconceived notions or something. I don’t remember exactly what it was but you should listen to all of him and Merlin Mann’s stuff. It’s really that good. Go listen to the Roderick on the Line podcast. DO IT. When I think about Kathy now I just remember the girl I knew all those years ago. Just the same as when I think about the people I went to high school with. I remember them as who they were back when we were in school together. I guess I’ve never really thought about them growing and becoming bigger and better people. But that kind of discounts their whole ability to grow as human beings. I’ve grown and changed and would hate to think that people still see me as the asshole I’ve been in previous lives. Going on a brief tangent… I hear people say fairly often that they don’t care what other people think of them. Well, I care what my family and friends think about me. I don’t want them to think that I’m an asshole or whatever because I did something shitty five years ago. And I’m sure they don’t because I try to be a good person today, most of the time. Other people can grow and change, too. I should let go of the notion that who people were in high school (or whenever), that isn’t necessarily who they are today. I’m Facebook friends with a lady I was in high school with. We were in different social circles, never hung out or whatever but I’m better friends with her now than I am with the best friend that I had in high school. We get older, we get bigger, we see things differently. We become more than who we were. Limiting myself to seeing you as you were years ago, well, that’s being an asshole. So back Kathy. I’m sure she’s a wonderful person in the here and now. I would imagine she’s moved way beyond the person she was way back then. All the good qualities that made me fall in love with her, I bet she’s beaming with them now. And it took me a lot of years to think that, too, to find that peace with her. 😉 I try to be an optimist, be hopeful even though I joke and tell people my soul is black. Being positive feels good. Being negative for this alcoholic just gets me drunk. I try to see you as a good person because it helps me see myself as a good person. I forgive you so I can forgive me for the horrible things I’ve done. I’m not good at forgetting because that’s not how I’m wired. And forgiveness doesn’t happen over night but it is always my goal. #lettherebehope #relationships #diariespodcast Momma J · Sep 18, 2017 at 12:19 pm Such insight! tcr! · Sep 18, 2017 at 12:48 pm Thankies! It was hard won insight 😉 Coops · Sep 18, 2017 at 3:05 pm I adore you!!! DeeDee · Sep 18, 2017 at 3:20 pm Luv this! jimi hindrance experience · Sep 20, 2017 at 2:03 am “She didn’t say a word either. Ouch.” Me too. tcr! · Sep 20, 2017 at 7:55 am That’s how I always knew I’d really hurt someone: when they didn’t say anything. Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: Sep 11, 2017 · podcast: May 19, 2020 In follow up to my earlier piece, Proof would kill me, I just want to put it out there that I only talked about two of the things that Kathy did that hurt me. I didn't mention my sins, all the things I did to hurt her because that wasn't the point I was after. My point was: we can be hurt and then move past it, that being in constant pain isn't normal, isn't something we should or have to live with. Most importantly: she wasn’t only to blame for our failed marriage and I wasn’t the sole victim either. What I said toward the very end: And that’s what happens when we deal with life. That’s what happens when we process it, find closure — it no longer holds us back in our lives today. On my end that’s a big part of why our marriage did indeed fail. During that era I was held back by my own pain and issues I hadn't dealt with. When I was with her I wasn’t able to live fully in that “today.” My head was too full of berserk, physically present but emotions akin to a room full of pinball machines. I was maybe a year, year and a half sober and transitioning ungracefully from an out of control, drunk/drugged teenager to a sober, pretend grownup. And it wasn't pretty. I’ve said many times that the person you all know today wasn’t the person I’ve always been. Twenty some odd years ago, man was I a riot. Who knows what would've happened if I'd have been at peace when I met Kathy. I regret that I wasn't the best me I could be when we were together. I feel bad that the pain of our divorce is what it took for me to make that spiritual transition, to deal with shadows locked away in the basement of my soul. All those lessons and growth on the other side were in response to the heartbreak I felt from losing her. That’s how I can be like “whatever” in the here and now when thinking about her transgressions. Siting where I do today I don’t blame her for doing what she did then because I grew as a result. I’ve processed it, let it go. Let her go. She was doing the best she could with what was in her toolbox. And lastly this from my researcher: Statistically, (because I like good, hard science) young marriages don't usually work out. Even less so, when it's under the gun. And even less so after losing a child. You probably had a 5% chance of making it, at best. #relationships #diariespodcast Next: Proof would kill me (closure up) → jimi hindrance experience · Sep 11, 2017 at 9:06 pm “basement of my soul”—-A+ i have similar words describing the world of pain prior to enlightment: “Trailer Park Soul”, which I have often stylized with all lower case. When I went to copyright TPS, there were DOZENS of authors with extremely similar words. Lesson is that you can’t copyright stuff fast enough. It was at least 5 years old when I went to get wrights. I have wondered what would have happened if I’d moved faster. On the topic: I’m a big believer in starter marriages. It’s a damn shame, but I was an axxhole. I’ve totally forgiven and forgotten that one. Too much crap since to be viable. tcr! · Sep 12, 2017 at 11:24 am Re: copyrights— I think I’ve only had one thing copyrighted and that was a music CD back in the 90s. I think why I stopped bothering is because from what I read all work is automatically copyrighted but if one wanted said copyright to stand up in court one should make it official with the gov’mt. That’s just from what I vaguely remember anyways. Re: starter marriages— yep, Kathy was good practice. I don’t know why I still think about her, it’s not like I do every day but I suppose weekly for sure. Monohon · Sep 12, 2017 at 1:04 pm We all have faults my friend I’m so sorry for your loss but am happy for the life you lead now! tcr! · Sep 12, 2017 at 2:06 pm Yep! I got no complaints being where I am now. 😎 Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
Virtual Bunker Tour

Virtual Bunker Tour

2020-05-17--:--

content: May 17, 2020 Please enjoy a view from the futon in the office bunker. #diariesvideo #basement jenkins_arts · May 17, 2020 at 2:41 pm Excellent! tcr! · May 17, 2020 at 5:22 pm Yes and no 😊 jimi hindrance experience · May 17, 2020 at 8:08 pm The Hunker Bunker Uncle Timmy · May 17, 2020 at 10:06 pm The Cave!!! 🎯 Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: May 13, 2020 I was softly clanging around on the MIDI keyboard the other night and came up with a couple of melodies. I couldn’t really find any words to go with them so I decided to look up what was in the public domain. Old time spoken word radio has always plucked my heart strings and I came across Lights Out, an old 1930s program. The Sub-Basement episode caught my ear so I chopped up the couple's underground struggle and mixed their real story in with my keyboard melodies. Related links: archive.org/.../Lights_Out_43-08-24_047_Sub-Basement_Going_Down.mp3 oldtimeradiomagic.com/4.html en.wikipedia.org/.../Lights_Out_(radio_show) en.wikipedia.org/.../Chicago_Tunnel_Company From the wikipedia: Oboler met the demand by adopting an unusual scripting procedure: He would lie in bed at night, smoke cigarettes, and improvise into a Dictaphone, acting out every line of the play. In this way, he was able to complete a script quickly, sometimes in as little as 30 minutes, though he might take as long as three or four hours. In the morning, a stenographer would type up the recording for Oboler's revisions. I tell ya, dictation is the way to go for capturing one’s thoughts. This episode brought to you by Ironized Yeast tablets, for glorious pep and strength and needed pounds regained. #lightsout #diariespodcast #diariesvideo Mitchell · May 13, 2020 at 8:47 pm interesting and abstract I like it tcr! · May 13, 2020 at 9:22 pm Thanks man! I like musical abstraction 😊 jimi hindrance experience · May 14, 2020 at 12:16 am When they say “you can’t get out here’… tcr! · May 14, 2020 at 9:18 am The guy that wrote/performed the show was Arch Oboler. Laying in bed, smoking cigs, and writing Lights Out radio in his head. I can relate 😊 jimi hindrance experience · May 14, 2020 at 12:16 am What were you drinking? jimi hindrance experience · May 14, 2020 at 12:16 am Brown liguid in clear cup. jimi hindrance experience · May 14, 2020 at 4:25 pm No, serious, it didn’t look like coffee and I wondered if you drank cherry cokes or something. tcr! · May 14, 2020 at 4:37 pm Oh… I thought you were talking about something in the audio. It’s just iced tea with sugar and spoon. jimi hindrance experience · May 14, 2020 at 4:38 pm coolio threecrates · May 14, 2020 at 12:11 pm Incredible! I love stuff like this. Perhaps we shall record something together someday.✌🏻❤️ tcr! · May 14, 2020 at 12:28 pm Send me some audio files (mp3s, wavs) and I’ll mix something up. It’ll be a covid quarantine collaboration! 🎼 Dusk Clan · May 14, 2020 at 4:13 pm Nice! tcr! · May 14, 2020 at 4:34 pm Thanks! Kurtz · May 15, 2020 at 6:48 pm What? 15 hours ago tcr! · May 15, 2020 at 9:51 pm Exactly Sophia · May 16, 2020 at 3:09 pm What is this tcr! · May 16, 2020 at 6:52 pm I would say it’s solid gold but I don’t think that’d be fair 😊 Sophia · May 16, 2020 at 7:07 pm I’m not hating I’m just confused good job tho Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
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