Discovertcr! diaries - podcast
tcr! diaries - podcast

tcr! diaries - podcast

Author: tcr!

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The ebbs and flows of this alcoholic. It's all true. Sometimes I'm serious. Sometimes I'm not.
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content: Sep 17, 2017 · podcast: May 24, 2020 I’ve gotten a lot of feedback, much of it good, from the Proof would kill me duet. If you haven’t read them you should. Pause, go now, and resume reading afterward. Anyways... A good chunk of people can relate to the tragedy of infidelity because they’ve experienced it themselves. I don’t wanna say it’s common place but it’s certainly not unusual. I’ve had experience with it on both sides. Because I’m an asshole. The “cheating” part isn’t something that we really like to talk about either. Or even acknowledge. The only reason I talk about it openly now is because it was so long ago. And I’m not married to Kathy any more either. The “I’m not enough” feelings that are front and certain during it are downright crushing. And to be completely honest, I wasn’t enough for Kathy during that time. I was emotionally crippled by my own issues and other bullshit. I couldn’t be there for her in ways that she need me to. She deserved much better than what I had to offer. You want to have a healthy relationship with someone? Clean out your fucking basement. Some people have asked me why I still think about it. It’s not like I don’t have closure there because I do. There’s nothing more that I could say or would want to say to Kathy try to fix any of it. It’s not broken today. It’s as closed as it’s ever going to be. I think the reason why I think about it now and then is because, well, Sara and I were watching an episode of Westworld and there’s a scene where Jeffrey Wright’s character is talking to his wife or ex-wife and she says that maybe they should stop talking about their dead son. And then Jeffrey’s character says, “the pain is all that I have left” or something similar. Not talking about shit has done me more damage than the actual shit itself. The Westward scene doesn’t directly translate to my situation with Kathy but it resonates in that that short-lived, 3 1/2 year era we shared — all of those experiences, for better or worse, shaped me into who I am today. And I don’t want to necessarily forget about them because some 20 odd years later they help me be the best me that I can be. In the here and now. I don’t want to ever forget about the lessons and the heartache because I want to take those tragic experiences and use them to keep me on a spiritual path today. If that makes sense. It’s the classic doomed history repeating itself. It’s like I’m not as much of an asshole now because I haven’t forgot how much of an asshole I was then. How much of an asshole you ask? One time I had a picture of another girl in my pants pocket and forgot about it. It was just a picture, nothing more than that but a picture of another girl nonetheless. On laundry day Kathy found that picture while doing my laundry and laid it on top of my folded clothes. She didn’t say a word either. Ouch. Back to the here and now… I want to be able to share my experience, strength, and hope with other people if that helps them move beyond something that’s been holding them back. We deserve to live a life with less pain. Life’s fucking hard enough without carrying yesterday’s torments around. I had one other thought on all of this, too. John Roderick said something on his podcast about walking into his class reunion with preconceived notions or something. I don’t remember exactly what it was but you should listen to all of him and Merlin Mann’s stuff. It’s really that good. Go listen to the Roderick on the Line podcast. DO IT. When I think about Kathy now I just remember the girl I knew all those years ago. Just the same as when I think about the people I went to high school with. I remember them as who they were back when we were in school together. I guess I’ve never really thought about them growing and becoming bigger and better people. But that kind of discounts their whole ability to grow as human beings. I’ve grown and changed and would hate to think that people still see me as the asshole I’ve been in previous lives. Going on a brief tangent… I hear people say fairly often that they don’t care what other people think of them. Well, I care what my family and friends think about me. I don’t want them to think that I’m an asshole or whatever because I did something shitty five years ago. And I’m sure they don’t because I try to be a good person today, most of the time. Other people can grow and change, too. I should let go of the notion that who people were in high school (or whenever), that isn’t necessarily who they are today. I’m Facebook friends with a lady I was in high school with. We were in different social circles, never hung out or whatever but I’m better friends with her now than I am with the best friend that I had in high school. We get older, we get bigger, we see things differently. We become more than who we were. Limiting myself to seeing you as you were years ago, well, that’s being an asshole. So back Kathy. I’m sure she’s a wonderful person in the here and now. I would imagine she’s moved way beyond the person she was way back then. All the good qualities that made me fall in love with her, I bet she’s beaming with them now. And it took me a lot of years to think that, too, to find that peace with her. 😉 I try to be an optimist, be hopeful even though I joke and tell people my soul is black. Being positive feels good. Being negative for this alcoholic just gets me drunk. I try to see you as a good person because it helps me see myself as a good person. I forgive you so I can forgive me for the horrible things I’ve done. I’m not good at forgetting because that’s not how I’m wired. And forgiveness doesn’t happen over night but it is always my goal. #lettherebehope #relationships #diariespodcast Momma J · Sep 18, 2017 at 12:19 pm Such insight! tcr! · Sep 18, 2017 at 12:48 pm Thankies! It was hard won insight 😉 Coops · Sep 18, 2017 at 3:05 pm I adore you!!! DeeDee · Sep 18, 2017 at 3:20 pm Luv this! jimi hindrance experience · Sep 20, 2017 at 2:03 am “She didn’t say a word either. Ouch.” Me too. tcr! · Sep 20, 2017 at 7:55 am That’s how I always knew I’d really hurt someone: when they didn’t say anything. Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: Sep 11, 2017 · podcast: May 19, 2020 In follow up to my earlier piece, Proof would kill me, I just want to put it out there that I only talked about two of the things that Kathy did that hurt me. I didn't mention my sins, all the things I did to hurt her because that wasn't the point I was after. My point was: we can be hurt and then move past it, that being in constant pain isn't normal, isn't something we should or have to live with. Most importantly: she wasn’t only to blame for our failed marriage and I wasn’t the sole victim either. What I said toward the very end: And that’s what happens when we deal with life. That’s what happens when we process it, find closure — it no longer holds us back in our lives today. On my end that’s a big part of why our marriage did indeed fail. During that era I was held back by my own pain and issues I hadn't dealt with. When I was with her I wasn’t able to live fully in that “today.” My head was too full of berserk, physically present but emotions akin to a room full of pinball machines. I was maybe a year, year and a half sober and transitioning ungracefully from an out of control, drunk/drugged teenager to a sober, pretend grownup. And it wasn't pretty. I’ve said many times that the person you all know today wasn’t the person I’ve always been. Twenty some odd years ago, man was I a riot. Who knows what would've happened if I'd have been at peace when I met Kathy. I regret that I wasn't the best me I could be when we were together. I feel bad that the pain of our divorce is what it took for me to make that spiritual transition, to deal with shadows locked away in the basement of my soul. All those lessons and growth on the other side were in response to the heartbreak I felt from losing her. That’s how I can be like “whatever” in the here and now when thinking about her transgressions. Siting where I do today I don’t blame her for doing what she did then because I grew as a result. I’ve processed it, let it go. Let her go. She was doing the best she could with what was in her toolbox. And lastly this from my researcher: Statistically, (because I like good, hard science) young marriages don't usually work out. Even less so, when it's under the gun. And even less so after losing a child. You probably had a 5% chance of making it, at best. #relationships #diariespodcast Next: Proof would kill me (closure up) → jimi hindrance experience · Sep 11, 2017 at 9:06 pm “basement of my soul”—-A+ i have similar words describing the world of pain prior to enlightment: “Trailer Park Soul”, which I have often stylized with all lower case. When I went to copyright TPS, there were DOZENS of authors with extremely similar words. Lesson is that you can’t copyright stuff fast enough. It was at least 5 years old when I went to get wrights. I have wondered what would have happened if I’d moved faster. On the topic: I’m a big believer in starter marriages. It’s a damn shame, but I was an axxhole. I’ve totally forgiven and forgotten that one. Too much crap since to be viable. tcr! · Sep 12, 2017 at 11:24 am Re: copyrights— I think I’ve only had one thing copyrighted and that was a music CD back in the 90s. I think why I stopped bothering is because from what I read all work is automatically copyrighted but if one wanted said copyright to stand up in court one should make it official with the gov’mt. That’s just from what I vaguely remember anyways. Re: starter marriages— yep, Kathy was good practice. I don’t know why I still think about her, it’s not like I do every day but I suppose weekly for sure. Monohon · Sep 12, 2017 at 1:04 pm We all have faults my friend I’m so sorry for your loss but am happy for the life you lead now! tcr! · Sep 12, 2017 at 2:06 pm Yep! I got no complaints being where I am now. 😎 Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: May 17, 2020 Please enjoy a view from the futon in the office bunker. #diariesvideo #basement jenkins_arts · May 17, 2020 at 2:41 pm Excellent! tcr! · May 17, 2020 at 5:22 pm Yes and no 😊 jimi hindrance experience · May 17, 2020 at 8:08 pm The Hunker Bunker Uncle Timmy · May 17, 2020 at 10:06 pm The Cave!!! 🎯 Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: May 13, 2020 I was softly clanging around on the MIDI keyboard the other night and came up with a couple of melodies. I couldn’t really find any words to go with them so I decided to look up what was in the public domain. Old time spoken word radio has always plucked my heart strings and I came across Lights Out, an old 1930s program. The Sub-Basement episode caught my ear so I chopped up the couple's underground struggle and mixed their real story in with my keyboard melodies. Related links: archive.org/.../Lights_Out_43-08-24_047_Sub-Basement_Going_Down.mp3 oldtimeradiomagic.com/4.html en.wikipedia.org/.../Lights_Out_(radio_show) en.wikipedia.org/.../Chicago_Tunnel_Company From the wikipedia: Oboler met the demand by adopting an unusual scripting procedure: He would lie in bed at night, smoke cigarettes, and improvise into a Dictaphone, acting out every line of the play. In this way, he was able to complete a script quickly, sometimes in as little as 30 minutes, though he might take as long as three or four hours. In the morning, a stenographer would type up the recording for Oboler's revisions. I tell ya, dictation is the way to go for capturing one’s thoughts. This episode brought to you by Ironized Yeast tablets, for glorious pep and strength and needed pounds regained. #lightsout #diariespodcast #diariesvideo Mitchell · May 13, 2020 at 8:47 pm interesting and abstract I like it tcr! · May 13, 2020 at 9:22 pm Thanks man! I like musical abstraction 😊 jimi hindrance experience · May 14, 2020 at 12:16 am When they say “you can’t get out here’… tcr! · May 14, 2020 at 9:18 am The guy that wrote/performed the show was Arch Oboler. Laying in bed, smoking cigs, and writing Lights Out radio in his head. I can relate 😊 jimi hindrance experience · May 14, 2020 at 12:16 am What were you drinking? jimi hindrance experience · May 14, 2020 at 12:16 am Brown liguid in clear cup. jimi hindrance experience · May 14, 2020 at 4:25 pm No, serious, it didn’t look like coffee and I wondered if you drank cherry cokes or something. tcr! · May 14, 2020 at 4:37 pm Oh… I thought you were talking about something in the audio. It’s just iced tea with sugar and spoon. jimi hindrance experience · May 14, 2020 at 4:38 pm coolio threecrates · May 14, 2020 at 12:11 pm Incredible! I love stuff like this. Perhaps we shall record something together someday.✌🏻❤️ tcr! · May 14, 2020 at 12:28 pm Send me some audio files (mp3s, wavs) and I’ll mix something up. It’ll be a covid quarantine collaboration! 🎼 Dusk Clan · May 14, 2020 at 4:13 pm Nice! tcr! · May 14, 2020 at 4:34 pm Thanks! Kurtz · May 15, 2020 at 6:48 pm What? 15 hours ago tcr! · May 15, 2020 at 9:51 pm Exactly Sophia · May 16, 2020 at 3:09 pm What is this tcr! · May 16, 2020 at 6:52 pm I would say it’s solid gold but I don’t think that’d be fair 😊 Sophia · May 16, 2020 at 7:07 pm I’m not hating I’m just confused good job tho Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: May 13, 2020 I was softly clanging around on the MIDI keyboard the other night and came up with a couple of melodies. I couldn’t really find any words to go with them so I decided to look up what was in the public domain. Old time spoken word radio has always plucked my heart strings and I came across Lights Out, an old 1930s program. The Sub-Basement episode caught my ear so I chopped up the couple's underground struggle and mixed their real story in with my keyboard melodies. Related links: archive.org/.../Lights_Out_43-08-24_047_Sub-Basement_Going_Down.mp3 oldtimeradiomagic.com/4.html en.wikipedia.org/.../Lights_Out_(radio_show) en.wikipedia.org/.../Chicago_Tunnel_Company From the wikipedia: Oboler met the demand by adopting an unusual scripting procedure: He would lie in bed at night, smoke cigarettes, and improvise into a Dictaphone, acting out every line of the play. In this way, he was able to complete a script quickly, sometimes in as little as 30 minutes, though he might take as long as three or four hours. In the morning, a stenographer would type up the recording for Oboler's revisions. I tell ya, dictation is the way to go for capturing one’s thoughts. This episode brought to you by Ironized Yeast tablets, for glorious pep and strength and needed pounds regained. #lightsout #diariespodcast #diariesvideo Mitchell · May 13, 2020 at 8:47 pm interesting and abstract I like it tcr! · May 13, 2020 at 9:22 pm Thanks man! I like musical abstraction 😊 jimi hindrance experience · May 14, 2020 at 12:16 am When they say “you can’t get out here’… tcr! · May 14, 2020 at 9:18 am The guy that wrote/performed the show was Arch Oboler. Laying in bed, smoking cigs, and writing Lights Out radio in his head. I can relate 😊 jimi hindrance experience · May 14, 2020 at 12:16 am What were you drinking? jimi hindrance experience · May 14, 2020 at 12:16 am Brown liguid in clear cup. jimi hindrance experience · May 14, 2020 at 4:25 pm No, serious, it didn’t look like coffee and I wondered if you drank cherry cokes or something. tcr! · May 14, 2020 at 4:37 pm Oh… I thought you were talking about something in the audio. It’s just iced tea with sugar and spoon. jimi hindrance experience · May 14, 2020 at 4:38 pm coolio threecrates · May 14, 2020 at 12:11 pm Incredible! I love stuff like this. Perhaps we shall record something together someday.✌🏻❤️ tcr! · May 14, 2020 at 12:28 pm Send me some audio files (mp3s, wavs) and I’ll mix something up. It’ll be a covid quarantine collaboration! 🎼 Dusk Clan · May 14, 2020 at 4:13 pm Nice! tcr! · May 14, 2020 at 4:34 pm Thanks! Kurtz · May 15, 2020 at 6:48 pm What? 15 hours ago tcr! · May 15, 2020 at 9:51 pm Exactly Sophia · May 16, 2020 at 3:09 pm What is this tcr! · May 16, 2020 at 6:52 pm I would say it’s solid gold but I don’t think that’d be fair 😊 Sophia · May 16, 2020 at 7:07 pm I’m not hating I’m just confused good job tho Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: Sep 10, 2017 · podcast: May 11, 2020 A year or so after I got divorced from my first wife one of our mutual friends said to me, “I’m so sorry that she cheated on you with John.” Now I always had a gut feeling about that but never knew for sure. Until then. The moment Heather said it I was just crushed. Even more so because I wasn’t really that close with her, she was just a friend in the restaurant Kathy and I both worked at. Heather had asked me a few minutes before how things were going after the divorce so her words didn’t come out of the blue. But the confirmation was still a stab, twist, gouge to my soul. And then she felt really bad because it was obvious I didn’t know. And then I wondered how many other people knew. It’s one thing to have close friends know about your heart breaks and betrayals but it’s a whole new level of embarrassment when people from outside your inner circle get privy to things like that. Jobs and co-workers, well, we know a lot about each other because we spend so much of our lives together. It can almost feel like high school with the secrets and the gossip. Heather was a good person though and she only said something because she cared. My other close friends at work, I wondered how many of them knew and simply didn’t say anything. Kathy and I met in that restaurant. We were both really young. I think she was 19 and I was 21. We were just a step beyond high school really. And there was this guy named John that used to come and sit at the counter, drink his coffee, and eat or whatever. Gab with all the servers and the like. I may have had a twinge of jealously because I was 21 and he was in his late 20s or early 30s, a full grown man with a career and house and muscles and all that. But it never really bothered me because he talked to everybody and not just Kathy. I never saw them interact in a way that was different than how he interacted with everybody else. But one time I came around the corner and I saw John and Kathy together by the front door. He was turning to go and they’re holding hands with their arms reached out as if he’s leaving and this is a good bye, a longing farewell. And it’s very romantic between them, with him going and her not wanting him to. The look on his face and from what I could see, the look on hers was a love between them that I had thought she only had for me. And in that instant I knew it was something more than just chitchat between them. In that moment I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. One of the ones where I was paralyzed with fear, unable to move, heart thumping so loud I could hear it in my ears. The world had just came down and crushed me with a truth I was oblivious to. The unseen things from left field, the ones I didn’t see coming, those always did the most damage. There’s no way to brace ourselves for the surprises that change everything. Anyways, John probably saw me out of the corner of his eye but he turned and left and Kathy walked away in another direction. What I did was shutdown. On her. For the rest of the time we were together. We got married later even though I had completely detached myself. It wasn’t fear of rejection or abandonment that stopped me from doing something as I’d had plenty of both from the time I was nine. What it came down to was that I didn’t know how to be assertive, to stand up for myself. I’d never broken up with a girlfriend before. Never had been as close with one either. I didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to take care of myself on an important emotional level. Bad shit had happened my whole life and this was just more bad shit happening. And I knew how to pretend like bad shit didn’t happen. Childhood stuff can fuck you up for a long time. Anyways, that whole romantic scene between John and Kathy was one of the biggest times in my life where I should’ve said something but didn’t. I stayed in way too many relationships with the bad shit happening because I’d never learned confrontation. Denial though that was easy. I didn’t say anything to her. Not a word. And what’s more I didn’t want to face the truth that she wanted somebody else and not me. That I was lacking in some way, that I wasn’t enough. See, proof that I’m not enough would kill me. So now when I think about that moment some 20 odd years later it isn’t a strong hurt that I feel but I still feel some betrayal however minute it’s still a little tiny thorn. I’ve talked about it before so it’s not some big secret. And yes, it took a Fourth and Fifth Step and lots of prayer to be able to move past it. So when Heather told me a few years later that Kathy did in fact cheat on me it was devastating on many levels. But the real part of this story is that I was really upset for a day or so, totally felt all the hurt and anguish and heart break. And then the pain stopped. It felt kind of weird because I lived my whole life clinging to and perpetuating pain, carrying it around in my back pocket like it was a secret note to myself, one that reminded me people were not to be trusted, that people will hurt you. And for it to be gone I didn’t know what to do. Every now I would think about it accidentally or not to see if something was still there but after doing the right thing, feeling all of that, talking about like we’re supposed to…it went away. There comes a time in some people’s lives where so much bad shit has happened that pain and hurt are normal everyday things we feel. And then life can feel abnormal when we don’t have that pain, when it no longer defines us. Even more, pain will hurt once we stop being numb to it. When we take the higher road, reach for new heights, strive for more than the day before, go above and beyond who we’ve been then suffering will no longer taste good. We’ll think more of ourselves, know that we deserve more than day in and day out torment. Not only will we think that, we’ll feel it, know it to be true down to our inner most selves. Bad shit happening will become unacceptable. Looking back on all that shit with Kathy now I don’t have any solid feelings about it really. I don’t care either way. I mean it happen, it’s part of my story but more than anything I’m like “whatever.” It makes no difference in the here and now, has no bearing on my life other than going through all of that has made me who I am today. It’s one of my lessons, was fuel for one of my spiritual growths. It’s made me bigger, a more complete human being. And that’s what happens when we deal with life. That’s what happens when we process it, find closure — it no longer holds us back in our lives today. Ya know, I used to drink so nothing could touch me.I’ve found that the real way for nothing to touch you is to just deal with it. #lettherebehope #relationships #diariespodcast #diariesvideo Next: Proof would kill me (follow up) → tcr! · Sep 10, 2017 at 4:21 pm Here’s an accidental photo my iPad took while I was preparing to record the video. Hater McGhray · Sep 10, 2017 at 4:33 pm Yep stuff that happens when you’re a kid really gets burned into who we grow up to be. Sometimes it takes a long time to change that. tcr! · Sep 10, 2017 at 4:44 pm Yep. I’d go far as to say “most of the time it takes a long time…” Engelhardt · Sep 11, 2017 at 10:41 am Its interesting because I never thought my “childhood stuff” was enough to talk about - bother with. I had never been sexually abused or hit or anything. I’m learning in just this past year - that I never really learned how to feel. It wasn’t allowe…See More tcr! · Sep 11, 2017 at 11:26 am Yep, there was a whole lot of that “don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel” stuff going around at one point. Jung put it best with his thoughts on the “shadow” and how denying that, denying what’s inside us (feelings and the like) is the true act evil and not the shadow itself. Monohon · Sep 11, 2017 at 11:49 am A great friend of mine tried to warn me about my first wife but I was blinded by what I thought was true (Love) to listen you live and you learn she cheated on me before we got married and after we got married my bad lol tcr! · Sep 11, 2017 at 2:52 pm For sure! It’s all too easy to ignore the truth when we’re blinded by emotion. :) Raes · Sep 11, 2017 at 3:11 pm I was too .. blinded and used as a punching bag . He didnt work and I had all the bills to pay and baby to raise . tcr! · Sep 12, 2017 at 8:07 am Punching bags… That’s bad news :( Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
Proof would kill me

Proof would kill me

2020-05-11--:--

content: Sep 10, 2017 · podcast: May 11, 2020 A year or so after I got divorced from my first wife one of our mutual friends said to me, “I’m so sorry that she cheated on you with John.” Now I always had a gut feeling about that but never knew for sure. Until then. The moment Heather said it I was just crushed. Even more so because I wasn’t really that close with her, she was just a friend in the restaurant Kathy and I both worked at. Heather had asked me a few minutes before how things were going after the divorce so her words didn’t come out of the blue. But the confirmation was still a stab, twist, gouge to my soul. And then she felt really bad because it was obvious I didn’t know. And then I wondered how many other people knew. It’s one thing to have close friends know about your heart breaks and betrayals but it’s a whole new level of embarrassment when people from outside your inner circle get privy to things like that. Jobs and co-workers, well, we know a lot about each other because we spend so much of our lives together. It can almost feel like high school with the secrets and the gossip. Heather was a good person though and she only said something because she cared. My other close friends at work, I wondered how many of them knew and simply didn’t say anything. Kathy and I met in that restaurant. We were both really young. I think she was 19 and I was 21. We were just a step beyond high school really. And there was this guy named John that used to come and sit at the counter, drink his coffee, and eat or whatever. Gab with all the servers and the like. I may have had a twinge of jealously because I was 21 and he was in his late 20s or early 30s, a full grown man with a career and house and muscles and all that. But it never really bothered me because he talked to everybody and not just Kathy. I never saw them interact in a way that was different than how he interacted with everybody else. But one time I came around the corner and I saw John and Kathy together by the front door. He was turning to go and they’re holding hands with their arms reached out as if he’s leaving and this is a good bye, a longing farewell. And it’s very romantic between them, with him going and her not wanting him to. The look on his face and from what I could see, the look on hers was a love between them that I had thought she only had for me. And in that instant I knew it was something more than just chitchat between them. In that moment I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. One of the ones where I was paralyzed with fear, unable to move, heart thumping so loud I could hear it in my ears. The world had just came down and crushed me with a truth I was oblivious to. The unseen things from left field, the ones I didn’t see coming, those always did the most damage. There’s no way to brace ourselves for the surprises that change everything. Anyways, John probably saw me out of the corner of his eye but he turned and left and Kathy walked away in another direction. What I did was shutdown. On her. For the rest of the time we were together. We got married later even though I had completely detached myself. It wasn’t fear of rejection or abandonment that stopped me from doing something as I’d had plenty of both from the time I was nine. What it came down to was that I didn’t know how to be assertive, to stand up for myself. I’d never broken up with a girlfriend before. Never had been as close with one either. I didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to take care of myself on an important emotional level. Bad shit had happened my whole life and this was just more bad shit happening. And I knew how to pretend like bad shit didn’t happen. Childhood stuff can fuck you up for a long time. Anyways, that whole romantic scene between John and Kathy was one of the biggest times in my life where I should’ve said something but didn’t. I stayed in way too many relationships with the bad shit happening because I’d never learned confrontation. Denial though that was easy. I didn’t say anything to her. Not a word. And what’s more I didn’t want to face the truth that she wanted somebody else and not me. That I was lacking in some way, that I wasn’t enough. See, proof that I’m not enough would kill me. So now when I think about that moment some 20 odd years later it isn’t a strong hurt that I feel but I still feel some betrayal however minute it’s still a little tiny thorn. I’ve talked about it before so it’s not some big secret. And yes, it took a Fourth and Fifth Step and lots of prayer to be able to move past it. So when Heather told me a few years later that Kathy did in fact cheat on me it was devastating on many levels. But the real part of this story is that I was really upset for a day or so, totally felt all the hurt and anguish and heart break. And then the pain stopped. It felt kind of weird because I lived my whole life clinging to and perpetuating pain, carrying it around in my back pocket like it was a secret note to myself, one that reminded me people were not to be trusted, that people will hurt you. And for it to be gone I didn’t know what to do. Every now I would think about it accidentally or not to see if something was still there but after doing the right thing, feeling all of that, talking about like we’re supposed to…it went away. There comes a time in some people’s lives where so much bad shit has happened that pain and hurt are normal everyday things we feel. And then life can feel abnormal when we don’t have that pain, when it no longer defines us. Even more, pain will hurt once we stop being numb to it. When we take the higher road, reach for new heights, strive for more than the day before, go above and beyond who we’ve been then suffering will no longer taste good. We’ll think more of ourselves, know that we deserve more than day in and day out torment. Not only will we think that, we’ll feel it, know it to be true down to our inner most selves. Bad shit happening will become unacceptable. Looking back on all that shit with Kathy now I don’t have any solid feelings about it really. I don’t care either way. I mean it happen, it’s part of my story but more than anything I’m like “whatever.” It makes no difference in the here and now, has no bearing on my life other than going through all of that has made me who I am today. It’s one of my lessons, was fuel for one of my spiritual growths. It’s made me bigger, a more complete human being. And that’s what happens when we deal with life. That’s what happens when we process it, find closure — it no longer holds us back in our lives today. Ya know, I used to drink so nothing could touch me.I’ve found that the real way for nothing to touch you is to just deal with it. #lettherebehope #relationships #diariespodcast #diariesvideo Next: Proof would kill me (follow up) → tcr! · Sep 10, 2017 at 4:21 pm Here’s an accidental photo my iPad took while I was preparing to record the video. Hater McGhray · Sep 10, 2017 at 4:33 pm Yep stuff that happens when you’re a kid really gets burned into who we grow up to be. Sometimes it takes a long time to change that. tcr! · Sep 10, 2017 at 4:44 pm Yep. I’d go far as to say “most of the time it takes a long time…” Engelhardt · Sep 11, 2017 at 10:41 am Its interesting because I never thought my “childhood stuff” was enough to talk about - bother with. I had never been sexually abused or hit or anything. I’m learning in just this past year - that I never really learned how to feel. It wasn’t allowe…See More tcr! · Sep 11, 2017 at 11:26 am Yep, there was a whole lot of that “don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel” stuff going around at one point. Jung put it best with his thoughts on the “shadow” and how denying that, denying what’s inside us (feelings and the like) is the true act evil and not the shadow itself. Monohon · Sep 11, 2017 at 11:49 am A great friend of mine tried to warn me about my first wife but I was blinded by what I thought was true (Love) to listen you live and you learn she cheated on me before we got married and after we got married my bad lol tcr! · Sep 11, 2017 at 2:52 pm For sure! It’s all too easy to ignore the truth when we’re blinded by emotion. :) Raes · Sep 11, 2017 at 3:11 pm I was too .. blinded and used as a punching bag . He didnt work and I had all the bills to pay and baby to raise . tcr! · Sep 12, 2017 at 8:07 am Punching bags… That’s bad news :( Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: Feb 16, 2019 · podcast: May 4, 2020 And then there was that one time that Jimi told me “love is an action.” Another one of those conversations that changed everything. When two people first meet they feel a certain kind of love, a romantic high that’s unparalleled. We’re on top of the world and nothing can touch us. And then as the relationship goes on that high fades because they always do. And many a good people have said that the love is gone from their marriage or relationship or whatever. Unfortunately, that’s how love works. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s not that we didn’t do something right. It’s because romantic love, in the beginning, is designed to stimulate us into loving action. “Here’s how good life can be with another.” Life gives us a golden ticket. If I just put that golden ticket into my pocket it’ll lose its luster. It’ll get crumpled. Love’s an amusement park full of thrills and chills so I need to get my ass out there, run away with a beautiful girl, and ride the rides. Because If I’m not feeling loving all I need to do is act lovingly. Let’s talk bigger picture now. Spirituality works much the same way as Spring love for another. For those of us that come to the spiritual game a little late, we feel spiritually high because everything is new. The stars are aligning in our soul for the first time in ways they never had before. But similar to love, those spiritual clouds can lose their luster. Many a good person has also said “I don’t feel spiritual anymore.” And that’s normal. In the beginning the cosmos picks us up, turns on the lights, and opens our eyes to the magic of a life we believed to be a myth. And then it’s our job to keep that magic alive and well. To sprinkle the pixie dust on every person we meet and every encounter we have. Okay, maybe not all the time but as much as we’re able. And in return, we’ll feel spiritual. Because being spiritual takes more work that reading a daily meditation and saying a quick prayer before leaving for work. There’s nothing wrong with that by any means and I do it myself, but if we want to feel spiritually charged with the current of the gods running through our hearts and souls, we need to take the equivalent action. God’s there but we have to do God’s work to feel that spiritual presence. Circling back to love, in the spiritual universe we talk about God’s will. I’ve gone through too many definitions but the one that’s kept me on that spiritual beam is that God’s will is for me to act with love. I didn’t make that up but it’s the one that’s made the most sense. In any situation if love’s my only goal then everything else will fall into place. Because if I’m not feeling spiritual all I need to do is act spiritual. That romantic love I was first talking about is closely tied to the spirit. It’s part of that overarching spiritual love. I don’t want to say love for another is a subset of God’s will of love because that feels like I’m demoting it in someway. But romantic love is part of and helps define the greater universal love. I’m slow in life and it took me a while to figure out but life’s truly all about love. The universal love that binds us all together. The flowers and the trees and the lions and the wolves and the humans. We’re all connected through that very love. Love isn’t something that’s mine that I have for another person. It’s an energy that belongs to and defines all living things. Our job is to perpetuate the truth of love. I’m gonna wrap this up. We get high on love in the beginning and then we come down. For those that are feeling the delirious tremors of those first few months of your soulmate or your sobriety have disappeared, through action that erratic, rapid river of love will go from a Spring high into a powerful ocean. That stretches through the four seasons. One of waves miles long, farther than you can see. Full of trust and knowing and being. One of unfathomable depths that covers the corners of our worlds. We only get those cherry highs once. It will never be like it was in the beginning. But I can guarantee the highs of a life lived by loving are far greater than any single maraschino. And yep, there will still be plenty of times when your heart is on fire for the one you love, too. There’s not a day go by that I don’t feel overwhelming love for Sara when I myself am loving. 🍒 #lettherebehope #lovewins #diariespodcast jimi hindrance experience · Feb 16, 2019 at 11:35 am tcr! · Feb 16, 2019 at 12:37 pm jamnperry · Feb 16, 2019 at 12:53 pm That’s really good advice! It’s true of the Divine also and those highs can be a daily occurrence you can drink from anytime. When you’re in a loving posture with life like you describe and love flows through you, being spiritual for me finds ways to flirt with the Divine because He/She is also romantic. She responds with those touches or synchronicity in various ways. Love is like the wind that comes and goes and you can’t always keep a hold of it like a slippery fish. But we are dependent on it and it’s how the universe is meant to function. Our source has always been the Divine and to drink from those waters isn’t so easy. It pleases Her to flow through us though like it does when you hold anyone’s baby. You hit the nail on the head though. Try finding a way to flirt with the Divine and maybe she will touch you more often. tcr! · Feb 16, 2019 at 2:51 pm Yep, for sure. All those things worth doing are generally simple but not often easy. manisfestationqueen · Feb 16, 2019 at 1:47 pm You are so correct. I had been giving in to lower frequencies out of laziness… But I need to keep pushing towards positivity. My breakup with my bf of 2 years has made me resentful of men. Thinking they are selfish… How selfish of me to believe that everyone is the same. Today I will believe in love and attraction will follow. Namaste :) tcr! · Feb 16, 2019 at 2:49 pm Where the body goes the mind will follow! graceannehika · Feb 16, 2019 at 4:25 pm Thanks whoever you are. This was great! tcr! · Feb 16, 2019 at 4:40 pm You are most welcome! punchbuggyhurts · Feb 16, 2019 at 4:59 pm Become Love and we will be re-united once more with the divine presence, which is and has always been within us. gandhitheblue · Feb 16, 2019 at 5:25 pm Agreed, the novelty of intense love can only really strike you a few times before it has to subside into a steady everyday thing. It’s not good to just chase another dopamine high, but instead for love to be a steady river. It’s the difference between eating a big meal after a long time of being famished, and having a steady diet that you eat every day. Love should be the background music, but often shows up in ways that take a bit of effort and routine. threecrates · May 5, 2020 at 10:58 am Hell of a way to start my day! I love you. tcr! · May 5, 2020 at 7:48 pm Awesome! Love ya back, man! jimi hindrance experience · May 5, 2020 at 7:51 pm That part where you’re sassing the cats? Purr mf’n poetry! I was spoutin’ lots of blather in those days. tcr! · May 5, 2020 at 8:05 pm We should do a podcast episode together. I’ll call you sometime and we’ll just let the tape roll. Be the best thing on the airwaves marney0160 · May 5, 2020 at 8:12 pm You can’t stop it! You can’t stop. You can’t stop. You can’t stop You can’t stop. You can’t stop Love in Action….T.R. Momma J · May 7, 2020 at 1:12 pm Excellent! Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: Feb 16, 2019 · podcast: May 4, 2020 And then there was that one time that Jimi told me “love is an action.” Another one of those conversations that changed everything. When two people first meet they feel a certain kind of love, a romantic high that’s unparalleled. We’re on top of the world and nothing can touch us. And then as the relationship goes on that high fades because they always do. And many a good people have said that the love is gone from their marriage or relationship or whatever. Unfortunately, that’s how love works. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s not that we didn’t do something right. It’s because romantic love, in the beginning, is designed to stimulate us into loving action. “Here’s how good life can be with another.” Life gives us a golden ticket. If I just put that golden ticket into my pocket it’ll lose its luster. It’ll get crumpled. Love’s an amusement park full of thrills and chills so I need to get my ass out there, run away with a beautiful girl, and ride the rides. Because If I’m not feeling loving all I need to do is act lovingly. Let’s talk bigger picture now. Spirituality works much the same way as Spring love for another. For those of us that come to the spiritual game a little late, we feel spiritually high because everything is new. The stars are aligning in our soul for the first time in ways they never had before. But similar to love, those spiritual clouds can lose their luster. Many a good person has also said “I don’t feel spiritual anymore.” And that’s normal. In the beginning the cosmos picks us up, turns on the lights, and opens our eyes to the magic of a life we believed to be a myth. And then it’s our job to keep that magic alive and well. To sprinkle the pixie dust on every person we meet and every encounter we have. Okay, maybe not all the time but as much as we’re able. And in return, we’ll feel spiritual. Because being spiritual takes more work that reading a daily meditation and saying a quick prayer before leaving for work. There’s nothing wrong with that by any means and I do it myself, but if we want to feel spiritually charged with the current of the gods running through our hearts and souls, we need to take the equivalent action. God’s there but we have to do God’s work to feel that spiritual presence. Circling back to love, in the spiritual universe we talk about God’s will. I’ve gone through too many definitions but the one that’s kept me on that spiritual beam is that God’s will is for me to act with love. I didn’t make that up but it’s the one that’s made the most sense. In any situation if love’s my only goal then everything else will fall into place. Because if I’m not feeling spiritual all I need to do is act spiritual. That romantic love I was first talking about is closely tied to the spirit. It’s part of that overarching spiritual love. I don’t want to say love for another is a subset of God’s will of love because that feels like I’m demoting it in someway. But romantic love is part of and helps define the greater universal love. I’m slow in life and it took me a while to figure out but life’s truly all about love. The universal love that binds us all together. The flowers and the trees and the lions and the wolves and the humans. We’re all connected through that very love. Love isn’t something that’s mine that I have for another person. It’s an energy that belongs to and defines all living things. Our job is to perpetuate the truth of love. I’m gonna wrap this up. We get high on love in the beginning and then we come down. For those that are feeling the delirious tremors of those first few months of your soulmate or your sobriety have disappeared, through action that erratic, rapid river of love will go from a Spring high into a powerful ocean. That stretches through the four seasons. One of waves miles long, farther than you can see. Full of trust and knowing and being. One of unfathomable depths that covers the corners of our worlds. We only get those cherry highs once. It will never be like it was in the beginning. But I can guarantee the highs of a life lived by loving are far greater than any single maraschino. And yep, there will still be plenty of times when your heart is on fire for the one you love, too. There’s not a day go by that I don’t feel overwhelming love for Sara when I myself am loving. 🍒 #lettherebehope #lovewins #diariespodcast jimi hindrance experience · Feb 16, 2019 at 11:35 am tcr! · Feb 16, 2019 at 12:37 pm jamnperry · Feb 16, 2019 at 12:53 pm That’s really good advice! It’s true of the Divine also and those highs can be a daily occurrence you can drink from anytime. When you’re in a loving posture with life like you describe and love flows through you, being spiritual for me finds ways to flirt with the Divine because He/She is also romantic. She responds with those touches or synchronicity in various ways. Love is like the wind that comes and goes and you can’t always keep a hold of it like a slippery fish. But we are dependent on it and it’s how the universe is meant to function. Our source has always been the Divine and to drink from those waters isn’t so easy. It pleases Her to flow through us though like it does when you hold anyone’s baby. You hit the nail on the head though. Try finding a way to flirt with the Divine and maybe she will touch you more often. tcr! · Feb 16, 2019 at 2:51 pm Yep, for sure. All those things worth doing are generally simple but not often easy. manisfestationqueen · Feb 16, 2019 at 1:47 pm You are so correct. I had been giving in to lower frequencies out of laziness… But I need to keep pushing towards positivity. My breakup with my bf of 2 years has made me resentful of men. Thinking they are selfish… How selfish of me to believe that everyone is the same. Today I will believe in love and attraction will follow. Namaste :) tcr! · Feb 16, 2019 at 2:49 pm Where the body goes the mind will follow! graceannehika · Feb 16, 2019 at 4:25 pm Thanks whoever you are. This was great! tcr! · Feb 16, 2019 at 4:40 pm You are most welcome! punchbuggyhurts · Feb 16, 2019 at 4:59 pm Become Love and we will be re-united once more with the divine presence, which is and has always been within us. gandhitheblue · Feb 16, 2019 at 5:25 pm Agreed, the novelty of intense love can only really strike you a few times before it has to subside into a steady everyday thing. It’s not good to just chase another dopamine high, but instead for love to be a steady river. It’s the difference between eating a big meal after a long time of being famished, and having a steady diet that you eat every day. Love should be the background music, but often shows up in ways that take a bit of effort and routine. threecrates · May 5, 2020 at 10:58 am Hell of a way to start my day! I love you. tcr! · May 5, 2020 at 7:48 pm Awesome! Love ya back, man! jimi hindrance experience · May 5, 2020 at 7:51 pm That part where you’re sassing the cats? Purr mf’n poetry! I was spoutin’ lots of blather in those days. tcr! · May 5, 2020 at 8:05 pm We should do a podcast episode together. I’ll call you sometime and we’ll just let the tape roll. Be the best thing on the airwaves marney0160 · May 5, 2020 at 8:12 pm You can’t stop it! You can’t stop. You can’t stop. You can’t stop You can’t stop. You can’t stop Love in Action….T.R. Momma J · May 7, 2020 at 1:12 pm Excellent! Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: May 1, 2020 I’m going to take an irregular but brief aside. I think I’ve done this one or maybe two whole other times since starting the podcast back in August of 2016. A little background on me. I stopped drinking and using drugs in 1992 when I was 19. I started both too early. I started drinking again in 2002 and then stopped again in 2012. The last five years of alcoholic drinking were the worst years of my life. After getting sober this time I’ve made recovery my main spiritual pursuit. Well, life pursuit really. On the podcast I explore all the facets of that. Most of the time I don’t know what I’m talking about. Along with the podcast, I’ve also got this website. It’s got my blog, updated fairly often, with brief thoughts, full fledged articles, and probably too many photos, The podcast episodes usually start with a blog article I’ve written. And then I got photo galleries, too, for when I take too many pictures at once. I also got a full fledged online store with coffee mugs, t-shirts, photo prints, what have you. Guess what? You can make a podcast donation, too, support the show and all that. Right there on the website. Because you guys are the best. I was thinking of starting a Patreon page. Are you guys into that? If you don’t wanna spend any money, how about you complete the super-duper quick podcast survey? And then you’d have my eternal gratitude. I love listener/reader interaction! Anyways, I also dabble in social media. Links for the various accounts are on my About page. Oh, and if you’re looking for something more to listen to while in COVID quarantine, there are 215 total episodes in the podcast archive at last count. All of them are available for free of course. Right there in your podcast app. Because you deserve it. But wait, they’re also listenable on the website,too! Listenable, is that a word? It all goes back to the website: tcrbang.com. The website’s got it all. It’s even serving up this very episode you’re listening to. What the cluck... 😉 To wrap this intermission up, you can find links to everything above in the show notes. What are those you say? In your podcast app (if it’s a good one) there’ll be a link or a little i with a circle around it which lets you tap into the episode details. The podcasts I listen to call those details the show notes. I don’t say this often enough but I love doing my podcast. I really do. If you like this podcast, share it with your friends on social media. Tell your mom to listen. My mom does. Questions, comments, weird stories of your own? Email me at robot @ tcrbang dot com. I read all the emails and respond to almost all of them. You can also contact me through the social media accounts mentioned earlier or by using the good but old fashioned contact form on, you guessed it, the website. tcrbang.com. On with the show... #tcr #diariespodcast Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: Dec 9, 2013 · podcast: Apr 30, 2020 Empathy Ben had multiple opportunities to back out of the corner he put himself in – and he still does. It really doesn’t take much. At least not in word count. People are just looking for some empathy, for acknowledgement that their feelings were hurt, and that the offender understands and regrets their actions, especially now that they know how offensive it was to people. This kinda thing has been on my mind lots in the last few months. It’s no secret that I’m full of anger and hostility toward someone, mainly because I felt like I deserved at least that honest acknowledgement of wrong doing. I’ve come to realize that I’m not going to get it from this person and probably never will, probably never will from most of the people who step on my toes. So...I can learn to live with my sore toes, I can remain hostile, I can demand an apology. I can do any of that to my hearts content. What I’ve also come to realize is that I hate those kind of people and I don’t want to be one of them. I’ve redoubled my efforts to make sure I keep my side of the street clean. Fuck everybody else, they can do want they want, hold on to their bad behaviors and rude words. I’ll try to keep my moral compass pointed in the right direction. But that’s just me. I’m not saying that I’m better than anybody else, I just want to be able to live with myself and these other humans. #confessional #advancedsoul #animatedGIFs #diariespodcast Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
Mad from a distance

Mad from a distance

2020-04-27--:--

content: Apr 16, 2019 · podcast: Apr 27, 2020 Yesterday I pulled up behind a silver car waiting at a stoplight. There was another white car to my right, double parked with the blinkers on. Maybe a foot from my passenger side door. Three cars packed together like a Tetris L. An older, burly dude was walking slowly down the sidewalk, eyeing the parked white car. I assumed it to be his. I also knew there was no way in hell he’d be able to open his driver’s side door. There wasn’t any room with his double park for him to get in. I started to feel tense. Totally ready for the stoplight to turn green so this whole situation would go away. I like stuff to go away. I think to myself out loud: What the hell you park like that for? This is a no win situation. The old guy still walking toward his car looked down at the sidewalk and then to his car and then back down at the sidewalk. By his facial expression I mentally decided that he was annoyed. Then I felt more tense. I waited impatiently for him to glare at me. And then I said in frustration: God, this is not where I want to be. And then my feeling of anxiety shifted slightly to compassion. A moment of grace. A nudge of clarity. I didn’t know what that guy was thinking. He could very well have been feeling that same tension, just as I did. He was older and may have even felt vulnerable with his youth well behind him. I doubt if he wanted to be trapped outside of his car anymore than I wanted to be blocking him from getting in. And then I relaxed. And then the light turned green. I drove through the intersection and the four second confrontation, imaginary or not, was over. Unfortunately, sometimes scenarios play in my head and they generally end with nuclear war. Because somewhere in my life I started thinking the worst about people. Well, I wouldn't say it just like that. I assume that people are hostile. That’s a real feeling I have. And after this encounter I realized that I’ve made that assumption[1] for far too long. I read something years ago about how, “no specific facial reaction guarantees a specific emotional expression.” Something like that. And then I got into an argument with somebody because they said that statement was false, that we *can* tell how someone is feeling based on how they look. I’d like to think I can make those kind of educated assumptions but I really can’t. I can’t assume somebody is mad from a distance. I don’t even know if they’re mad at me up close until they clarify. There’s a real possibility that their anger is directed inward. My point is: I don’t know how somebody is feeling unless they tell me. Until then, I should just assume the best. Because “seek to understand rather than to be understood.” That quote has kept me from going into the dark places I’m all too comfortable with. And *kept me* not because I’m a spiritual dynamo, but because it helps bring me back out of the darkness of my anxiety. With that burly dude, it didn’t matter what he was feeling. That was his to own and tend. His to control and parse. What mattered for me is that I do the right thing, be the best me that I can be. And then get on with my day. Because then I drive away feeling good regardless and I’m putting positive energy back into the universe. I try to be good like that. PS- those are the actual stoplights at the intersection. PS×2- wow, this turned out a lot longer than I thought it'd be. Pay attention to how you feel. You'll be surprised at what turns up. 😉 #trafficnews #lettherebehope #diariespodcast Yeah, it’s easy to say assumptions make asses out of you and me but when I’m feeling tense clarity is not two fold. ↑ jimi hindrance experience · Apr 16, 2019 at 2:36 pm “…to own and tend. …to control and parse.” 😊 tcr! · Apr 16, 2019 at 4:46 pm Exactly. I don’t know why I sometimes think that another’s feeling is mine to manage. I got enough going on with just me. 😊 jenkins_arts · Apr 18, 2019 at 6:28 am Well said! tcr! · Apr 18, 2019 at 6:59 am Thanks! Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: Dec 26, 2012 · podcast: Apr 24, 2020 I'm sure I've said this out loud before but I'll write it for those who haven't had the pleasure. I'm as emotionally stable as the next emotionally stable person when it comes to the negative variety of criticism. I can take a harsh word and a lash of the tongue without a flinch. Fine, good, whatever.. Let it roll on by after a review. With the caveat being that when the scales of criticism sway to the pessimistic polarity and hang indefinitely, I tend to flip the monocle back on to the contributor. News should/needs to be tempered with both good and bad seasonings lest one overdoses on salt. #relationships #diariespodcast Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
When Pain Feels Normal

When Pain Feels Normal

2020-04-22--:--

content: Nov 12, 2012 · podcast: Apr 22, 2020 It's very unfortunately when pain feels normal, when dysfunction is routine, and agony okay. Absorb the truth that all are unacceptable. When we open the curtains that shadow our fireflies, let their light glow alongside infinite others, no pain is too great to release. And by doing so, someday soon the well of miserable sadness will go dry. Sometimes we're ready to move on. Sometimes we're not. Sometimes we're past due. Drop out of lightspeed when the jump is over. #writtenword #lettherebehope #diariespodcast Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: May 4, 2017 · podcast: Apr 15, 2020 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God The Third Step of 12 step recovery starts out with “Made a decision” and I like that because it doesn't say that I turned my will and my life over it, just that I made a decision to. Simple phrasing like that made the steps easier for me to take. And I could do that, I could make that decision. It wasn't hard after admitting complete defeat in the First Step. I've struggled with simpler decisions in life -- what socks go with this shirt. When I was new I didn't really understand the whole “turn our will and our lives over” part. I was like how the hell do you do that? I just didn't understand or get it even...though I knew it had something to do with surrendering. So then one time in a Third Step meeting a guy said what it meant to him was that he lived his life according spiritual principles. And that clicked. I could do my best to be honest, to have faith in that power greater than me, trust in that greater good. I could pray and ask for guidance, could be willing to trust, could practice confession and restitution. I could be grateful for what I had. I could practice forgiveness and acceptance, or least I could try to. I could do my best to live in the here and now. And I could surrender. Somewhere in one of my meditation books it talks about how surrender isn't something that can be forced. It’s more a state of mind, a place I get to where I've finally given up because I’m tired of struggling. It's an "okay, I'm done managing all of that because I'm just clucking it up" place. When my parents were getting divorced and I was like twelve or whatever, my dad, sister, and I went to see a therapist. He had a sign or plaque that said, "when we relinquish control, we will be set free." Wait, maybe I read that in a book. I don't remember, it doesn't matter. What does matter? This: do I want freedom? If I don't right now that's okay. If I keep being me, keep living life like I have been sooner or later I will. So the other nifty phrase in this step is “care of God.” As many of you know when I was young I went to church with my neighborhood friends. It was a very “Christian” church in that the god they worshipped[1] was a judgmental, vindictive kinda guy. And I didn’t trust him. I was sure I was going to hell because I wasn’t doing it right with “it” being whatever the twisted, fire and brimstone god demanded that they do. Sooner or later rapture was coming and I was going to be left alone. Anyways... Years later I heard in a meeting[2] once that if I didn't have the best God that I should get another. That became obvious when it clicked that I was constantly struggling with the Third Step. That christian god I’d come to know and hate, there’s was no way I could believe that god cared for me. He had lightning bolts charged and ready. Plus, you guys know what happened to Job and he was a damn convert. My sponsor has many spiritual books and I paid attention to what he was reading. Below is a list that he had and that I have, too. I still read them. A Return to Love Emmanuel’s Book Language of Letting Go Jonathon Livingston Seagull Sermon on the Mount I’d also recommend: The Way of Aikido: Life Lessons From An American Sensei The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life The Parent's Tao Te Ching After reading and talking to the spiritual people I admired I realized that God is simple. God is caring. God is just love. The love that binds us all together as living beings. That concept of God brought me peace in a way that no other had. Again, God is just love. And that's all. God doesn't judge, doesn’t hate, and God isn’t something separate. God is the love that lives inside all of us. And God doesn't make life hard. To me Job miserably suffering isn't God's will. God doesn't taketh away. Everybody gets flat tires. Everybody loses jobs. Everybody gets dumped. And it's not God’s doing. God isn’t testing us, it’s just life happening. God is just love and whatever negativity swirling around is my man-made interpretation. When my life gets difficult it's because I'm not doing it right. I’m swimming against the current. I’m splashing around like I’m drowning, throwing a fit because I’m not getting my way. I'm not going with the flow and I'm the one that's making it hard. And that’s okay. LIfe’s supposed to be hard. Look at the animals, the lions and elephants and all the other critters in Africa. You think they got it easy? When life’s not working out the way I want I need to apply spiritual principles. I need to live my according to them. It's that simple. If I'm struggling there's a good chance there's probably something I’m not accepting, probably because I don’t like it. I need to surrender. When I’m ready. In the meantime I can hit the cosmic pause button, be grateful that I have all my fingers and toes. And then go be of service to others. Working the Third Step isn't hard once I'm ready. Final thought: I heard a lady say once or twice that since she first made that Third step decision, she hasn’t need to make it again. At first I was like “wait, I thought we were supposed to work the steps every day.” But the more I thought about it the more I agreed with her. I’ve never unmade that decision. Of course sometimes I need to reaffirm my decision because I’ve forgotten. But since I got sober living according to spiritual principles is what I do. Somedays I do it better than others. Sometimes I say things in meetings and then think later, "Oh that was good. Thank you, god, for speaking through me." And then I write them down and expand a little. The above being one of them. #advancedsoul #alcoholism #lettherebehope #twelvesteps #diariespodcast from what I could gather when I was ten ↑ a familiar theme in my recovery is going to meetings, not a bad idea if you're like me ↑ Momma J · May 4, 2017 at 12:29 pm I am so very proud of you tcr! · May 4, 2017 at 1:04 pm Thank you! tcr! · Apr 16, 2020 at 5:44 pm In related news, the guitar in the video was what I was writing in this photo from Monday. Botsford · Apr 16, 2020 at 8:21 pm What an anchor in this storm called life. THANK YOU 😇 tcr! · Apr 16, 2020 at 10:52 pm Thank you so much for that!! Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: May 4, 2017 · podcast: Apr 15, 2020 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God The Third Step of 12 step recovery starts out with “Made a decision” and I like that because it doesn't say that I turned my will and my life over it, just that I made a decision to. Simple phrasing like that made the steps easier for me to take. And I could do that, I could make that decision. It wasn't hard after admitting complete defeat in the First Step. I've struggled with simpler decisions in life -- what socks go with this shirt. When I was new I didn't really understand the whole “turn our will and our lives over” part. I was like how the hell do you do that? I just didn't understand or get it even...though I knew it had something to do with surrendering. So then one time in a Third Step meeting a guy said what it meant to him was that he lived his life according spiritual principles. And that clicked. I could do my best to be honest, to have faith in that power greater than me, trust in that greater good. I could pray and ask for guidance, could be willing to trust, could practice confession and restitution. I could be grateful for what I had. I could practice forgiveness and acceptance, or least I could try to. I could do my best to live in the here and now. And I could surrender. Somewhere in one of my meditation books it talks about how surrender isn't something that can be forced. It’s more a state of mind, a place I get to where I've finally given up because I’m tired of struggling. It's an "okay, I'm done managing all of that because I'm just clucking it up" place. When my parents were getting divorced and I was like twelve or whatever, my dad, sister, and I went to see a therapist. He had a sign or plaque that said, "when we relinquish control, we will be set free." Wait, maybe I read that in a book. I don't remember, it doesn't matter. What does matter? This: do I want freedom? If I don't right now that's okay. If I keep being me, keep living life like I have been sooner or later I will. So the other nifty phrase in this step is “care of God.” As many of you know when I was young I went to church with my neighborhood friends. It was a very “Christian” church in that the god they worshipped[1] was a judgmental, vindictive kinda guy. And I didn’t trust him. I was sure I was going to hell because I wasn’t doing it right with “it” being whatever the twisted, fire and brimstone god demanded that they do. Sooner or later rapture was coming and I was going to be left alone. Anyways... Years later I heard in a meeting[2] once that if I didn't have the best God that I should get another. That became obvious when it clicked that I was constantly struggling with the Third Step. That christian god I’d come to know and hate, there’s was no way I could believe that god cared for me. He had lightning bolts charged and ready. Plus, you guys know what happened to Job and he was a damn convert. My sponsor has many spiritual books and I paid attention to what he was reading. Below is a list that he had and that I have, too. I still read them. A Return to Love Emmanuel’s Book Language of Letting Go Jonathon Livingston Seagull Sermon on the Mount I’d also recommend: The Way of Aikido: Life Lessons From An American Sensei The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life The Parent's Tao Te Ching After reading and talking to the spiritual people I admired I realized that God is simple. God is caring. God is just love. The love that binds us all together as living beings. That concept of God brought me peace in a way that no other had. Again, God is just love. And that's all. God doesn't judge, doesn’t hate, and God isn’t something separate. God is the love that lives inside all of us. And God doesn't make life hard. To me Job miserably suffering isn't God's will. God doesn't taketh away. Everybody gets flat tires. Everybody loses jobs. Everybody gets dumped. And it's not God’s doing. God isn’t testing us, it’s just life happening. God is just love and whatever negativity swirling around is my man-made interpretation. When my life gets difficult it's because I'm not doing it right. I’m swimming against the current. I’m splashing around like I’m drowning, throwing a fit because I’m not getting my way. I'm not going with the flow and I'm the one that's making it hard. And that’s okay. LIfe’s supposed to be hard. Look at the animals, the lions and elephants and all the other critters in Africa. You think they got it easy? When life’s not working out the way I want I need to apply spiritual principles. I need to live my according to them. It's that simple. If I'm struggling there's a good chance there's probably something I’m not accepting, probably because I don’t like it. I need to surrender. When I’m ready. In the meantime I can hit the cosmic pause button, be grateful that I have all my fingers and toes. And then go be of service to others. Working the Third Step isn't hard once I'm ready. Final thought: I heard a lady say once or twice that since she first made that Third step decision, she hasn’t need to make it again. At first I was like “wait, I thought we were supposed to work the steps every day.” But the more I thought about it the more I agreed with her. I’ve never unmade that decision. Of course sometimes I need to reaffirm my decision because I’ve forgotten. But since I got sober living according to spiritual principles is what I do. Somedays I do it better than others. Sometimes I say things in meetings and then think later, "Oh that was good. Thank you, god, for speaking through me." And then I write them down and expand a little. The above being one of them. #advancedsoul #alcoholism #lettherebehope #twelvesteps #diariespodcast from what I could gather when I was ten ↑ a familiar theme in my recovery is going to meetings, not a bad idea if you're like me ↑ Momma J · May 4, 2017 at 12:29 pm I am so very proud of you tcr! · May 4, 2017 at 1:04 pm Thank you! tcr! · Apr 16, 2020 at 5:44 pm In related news, the guitar in the video was what I was writing in this photo from Monday. Botsford · Apr 16, 2020 at 8:21 pm What an anchor in this storm called life. THANK YOU 😇 tcr! · Apr 16, 2020 at 10:52 pm Thank you so much for that!! Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
The Australian Stew

The Australian Stew

2020-04-12--:--

content: Apr 3, 2020 · podcast: Apr 12, 2020 One podcast I listen to always and without fail is Roderick on the Line with John Roderick and Merlin Mann. They talk shop on a variety of different topics, politics, history, technology, personal stuff. Whatever comes up while they’re on the line. On a recent episode there was a minor recount of when Rodrick gave his “baby mama” a recipe from an Australian woman that he had been talking to on Twitter. For whatever reason that struck a nerve with me. Probably because I’ve had bad experiences with people I was close to chatting with other people online. And historically I’m horrible at relationships. And the door swings both ways. And I’m nobody’s hero or role model. Anyways, me being who I am I wanted to get Sara’s take on this Australian recipe exchange, get a female’s perspective. I put my Tascam microphone on the kitchen counter while we were making and having our dinner. She and I then discussed the ins and outs of such a scenario from our own perspectives. Please note: I didn’t remember exactly what Roderick’s story was. And I still don’t. I’m sure there are plenty parts I got wrong. Don’t take me to court. PS- I recorded the intro first thing in the morning. And I wasn’t 100% awake so I wasn’t overly chipper. I wasn’t in a bad mood or anything, just didn’t have a spring in my step yet. #relationships #sara #diariespodcast Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
100 percent decent

100 percent decent

2020-04-11--:--

content: May 2, 2019 · podcast: Apr 11, 2020 You guys remember when Bill and Ted said, “be excellent to each other.” I loved that line and that movie but being excellent all the time is hard. Like I’m driving and some fuckwad cuts me off, and then comes to a near complete stop when turning right. Excellence is the about the last thing in my fingertips. Put them in the iron maiden 🤘 You guys know about washing machines and when they agitate clothes. I can feel a similar emotional agitation. But then one time early in the morning while Sara was asleep I read something most triumphant in her Pema pocket book: be 100 percent decent After reading her words I felt a momentary peaceful release. We don’t have to be heroes. We don’t have to be Lincoln or Socrates. We only need to be decent in life. It’s easy for me to hold myself to high standards and then end up disappointed when I fall short. I can be decent though. Most of the time. PS- the photos are from Sara and I’s rental when we were in Louisville at the end of March. The statue and the painting were both romantically in the bedroom. They kinda/sorta go with this post though. #photos #advancedsoul tam.the.terrible · May 2, 2019 at 11:38 am Put them in the Iron Maiden lol tcr! · May 2, 2019 at 1:46 pm One of the best lines ever 😊 tam.the.terrible · May 2, 2019 at 2:29 pm Indeed! Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
content: Mar 22, 2020 · podcast: Apr 10, 2020 This is a spur of the moment conversation between Sara and I while I was showing her my new Tascam microphone. We were banging around in the kitchen after dinner and I had Star Trek on the TV. I'm probably the only one who'll find the recording interesting. Of course there’ll be more conversations to come. And the new Tascam microphone is pretty awesome, too. #startrek #sara #diariespodcast Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
like a fatalistic mist

like a fatalistic mist

2020-04-08--:--

content: Mar 25, 2020 · podcast: Apr 8, 2020 3:46 am: God, I am so sick of being awake. 6:37 am: Just because you stop talking about things doesn’t mean everything’s okay. An x-boss of mine and I would argue and argue about things. And we’d argue about the same kinds of things over and over again. Architecture, database modeling, how to reply to emails. Crap that was important for sure and some crap that wasn't. For the longest time I would back down because he was my boss and I worked for him, even if I felt that he was in the wrong. He wasn’t the healthiest tool in the shed. Not saying that I am either but I do try in earnest to balance on the spiritual beam. But somewhere along the way a switch flipped and I stopped caring about maintaining a happy, healthy relationship with that x-boss. I heard on a podcast not long ago that “people typically don’t just snap, they slowly spiral down, and then eventually give up.” Toward the end of my career with him, after we’d been arguing for a handful of minutes, we’d just stop. Because I wouldn’t back down when I thought he was wrong. And there would be no resolution or closure. Whatever difference we were having would just stay floating in the uneasy air, floating around the office like a fatalistic mist. I can count at least three times I walked out during an argument with him, walked clear out of the office, shaking in anger. And it always almost infuriated me when he would come into work the next day and act like nothing was wrong. Blue skies abound. Like that nothing had happened, that the afternoon before we weren’t both red faced yelling. I don’t know about you guys but I’m not the kind of person that can have a healthy relationship with someone if there isn’t closure. I know this stems from being too drunk and too passive for too long. I just can’t do it anymore. Untied shoes will trip me every time. Yeah, I can get along, maintain peace, be professional but fuck me being cordial when someone’s being outright jerky. It’s not about carrying resentments either. It’s about setting healthy boundaries. It’s me not participating in somebody’s stubborn, close minded bullshit. It’s about keeping my distance because assholes abound. If we don’t resolve our differences in the here and now, our personal connection will be broken. Not permanently, but presently. I subscribe to forgiveness and all that so I’m always willing to move forward with peaceful resolution. And I don’t like admitting when I’m wrong for sure. But when it comes to relationships and people that I care about my pride isn’t that important. It’s worth swallowing… 👍👍 #worknews #relationships #closure #diariespodcast Momma J · Mar 25, 2020 at 2:59 pm I agree with everything you said tcr! · Mar 25, 2020 at 7:00 pm I hope so 😉 angeline35 · Mar 29, 2020 at 11:12 pm I love the statement “assholes abound”. I took more from it than just that though. Lol tcr! · Mar 30, 2020 at 9:49 am Good! It was meant for the taking ❤️ Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube   View original  
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