Chengyu

覆水難收 (fù shuǐ nán shōu)

Characters

覆 fù: Overflow 

水 shuǐ: Water

難 nán: Difficult

收 shōu: Collect

Story

姜尚 (Jiāng Shàng) was a scholar who helped overthrow the 商 (Shāng) to establish the 周 (Zhōu) – the longest Chinese dynasty, lasting almost 800 years (1).  Although he came from a poor family, he was literate and enjoyed reading about astrology, business, and military studies. 

As a young scholar, he married 馬氏 (Mǎ Shì) and earned a living from fortune telling and other businesses.  However, he remained poor and his wife continuously nag him for studying instead of making money.  After a few years, Ma Shi could no longer tolerate the abject poverty and left him.  Jiang Shang was devastated and lost face to the entire village. 

Decades have passed and Jiang Shang is now in his 70s.  Legend says he would fish by a river without a hook.  A fisherman approached him to ask why he even bothered fishing.  Jiang Shang replied, “I’m here to fish for a king – not the fishes”.  Indeed one afternoon, he met King Wen of Zhou (central Shaanxi).  Incidentally that day, King Wen had a divination done before going hunting by the river.  The divination revealed that he will have a great catch.  It will not be in the form of a tiger or bear, but a man whom Heaven has sent to be his teacher.

Over the years, Jiang Shang helped King Wen and his heir, King Wu to unite China and overthrow the Shang Dynasty. At the age of 80, Jiang Shang was appointed prime minister.  These 80 years have been hard for Jiang Shang – from poverty, divorce, and failed business ventures to risking his life in a coup.  However, he remained optimistic throughout for he knew fortune telling. 

One day, Jiang Shang went on a casual stroll to the market.  Unexpectedly, he met his former wife, Ma Shi.  She immediately cried and begged for forgiveness.  He asked his servant to bring a bowl of water.  Jiang Shang then poured the water into the ground and said, “if you can collect this water, then Heaven wants me to forgive you.  Otherwise, do not ever talk to me again”.  Jiang Shang continued his stroll as he left mud and a sobbing woman behind.

Lesson

Jiang Shang’s response to Ma Shi’s plea for forgiveness was quite elegant – 覆水難收 (fù shuǐ nán shōu) or poured water is hard to recollect.  In other words, no second chances.  Indeed, 覆水難收 (fù shuǐ nán shōu) is similar to the expressions, “don’t cry over spilled milk” and “look before you leap”.  Now, rather than yell angrily at a regretful liar or cheater, wouldn’t it be much cooler to pour water on the floor and calmly reply, 覆水難收 (fù shuǐ nán shōu)?

Research

Everyone has experienced and given apologies.  Further, an apology shows the apologizer knows that it is a social requirement and the accompanying emotion allows the victim to infer the apologizer’s intentions (2).  Thus, it is important to know how to give a proper apology to remedy a wrongdoing.  To do this, both the contexts and components of an apology need to be analyzed.

First, apologies can be separated into two key contexts – competence-based and integrity-based (3).  Specifically, competence-based contexts involve inability and accidents.  Accidentally stepping on someone’s foot or missing a payment deadline because of theft are both competence-based examples.  Naturally, the apologizer has little control over these situations.  Conversely, integrity-based contexts involve trust and fairness.  One prime example is Ma Shi leaving Jiang Shang.  She decided to leave Jiang Shang to escape poverty.  Hence, she abandoned him when he really needed support.  All in all, apologies are more effective in competence-based than integrity-based offences (3).  

<img class="alignright wp-image-2558 size-medium" src="https://ancientchengyu.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/Meerkats-300x165.jpg" alt="Three meerkats representing the three components in an apology" width="300" height="165" srcset="https://ancientchengyu.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/Meerkats-300x165.jpg 300w, https://ancient