101 - Guidelines for Disposal
Mandatory Annual Spring Cleaning Day is coming. Here are the guidelines for the new municipal landfill facility.
This episode was co-written with Brie Williams.
Weather: 'Letters' by Lera Lynn. leralynn.com
Live US/Canada Tour of 'All Hail' (April 2017)
final West Coast shows of 'Ghost Stories' (February 2017)
welcometonightvale.com, click on live shows
Welcome to Night Vale: The Novel (now in paperback)
welcometonightvale.com, click on book.
Music: Disparition, disparition.info.
Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com.
Following script is auto-generated by Speech to Text Technology:
let's break this down we're talking books and light shows first books the Welcome to Night Vale novel is out in paperback it it wherever you buy books I recommend your local independent bookstore I hear they're real nice there ask them about our two volume set by Phil episode books too speaking of books Jeffrey and I just turned in the final manuscript the second novel I know I know I will keep you updated on that as more becomes official about it meanwhile touring we are all over the western part of North America in just a couple weeks going from Las Vegas to Vancouver and everywhere in between or not everywhere but some cities in between then in April we go even more places with our brand new touring script all hail which is about yes a particular cloud with certain properties or working on it now and it's going to be a wild one we will be all over the Northeast a bit of the South and Midwest and also Toronto and Montreal this tour includes a rare intimate set of four shows at the Bell House Brooklyn one of those already sold out a full schedule and ticket at Welcome to my fil dot com Don't worry rest of countries slash world this won't be our last or twenty seventeen Follow us on social media or sign up for our informative and entertaining twice monthly newsletter to be the first to hear about future tours to summarize tours in February and April good or website for tickets if you have only been listening to the podcast and have never seen a live show I promise you you're missing out on the whole experience I hope to see their Raptor welcome to my fil novel now in paperback from a local bookstore that cares about you can use your local money I love you Hey thanks you are swimming distance from shore you cannot see if you choose the wrong direction you will drown if you do not make a decision you will drown welcome to the the the uh uh the uh the despite extensive public outreach campaign there is still some confusion over which items are accepted at the new landfill facility that opened this fall in the Perris the district to replace the old outdated landfill facility also located in the first to distract mandatory annual spring cleaning day is just around the corner so it's imperative that all citizens know how to properly dispose of the wreckage of their lives I have some guidelines from the sanitation department received via the pneumatic tube that I discovered beneath the floorboards of my office under layers of cement bricks chains and pad locks nice if someone wanted to keep it sealed forever but before we get to that the lost and found a cell phone has been founded the drainage ditch on drainage ditch Road contains no phone numbers or contact info but there is a series of photos in the camera that I will now describe so that the owner might recognize it photo one close up of what looks like charred bone a foot into the man in a forced suit staring directly into the land or three shakes of the dark reaching the photo for a puddle of viscous liquid shot at a Dutch angle in black and white if this is your phone you can claim it here at night fail community radio another found died of a group of giant cardboard boxes have been found scattered haphazardly around the empty field behind the abandoned missile silo for reasons they cannot explain the bill citizens have been calling into the boxes most haven't come back the few who did emerge despite the interior as an elaborate puzzle maze ending in a complicated array of levers and dials which must be engaged in the correct combination in order to regain free to win one escapee was asked by Fox entry hopefuls for a hint as to what the correct combination was she responded smugly the dissatisfaction of failure is equally important to the satisfaction of success if these sound like your boxes please pick them up from the field if that sounds like your smugness get a grip on yourself we saw that the official guidelines from the sanitation department the pleats do not bring any physical objects to the new landfill facility you can bring that you no longer want as long as it does not take up physical space the physical objects must instead be brought to the old landfill which no longer exists as it has been replaced by the new landfill which as stated will not accept physical objects to clarify you cannot bring old Cal patients you cannot bring old refrigerators you cannot bring old cars but you can bring the idea of the back seat for you lost your virginity you cannot bring old radio but you can bring the song that reminds you of getting your braces tightened at the orthodontist that same year with the popular bullies stole her school pictures to laugh loudly about how ugly you where you cannot bring your old braces nor the bullies but you can bring the beauty knew eventually found herself by doing beautiful things it's um there's uh section for recycling this is where you could put things that aren't currently useful to you but might be turned into something more useful by someone else like your current relationship or you're in different opinions about the Godfather one and two you can bring in the habitual destructive behavior and also the sheer exhaustion of constantly working to contain it you can bring the memory of the smell of vanilla incense it reminds you of something that's not necessarily negative but is nostalgic to the point of discomfort you could not bring the smell itself as smells are made of matter which is physical there is a sealed chamber for all messages emails and miss calls the threat returning you may speak these messages into the chamber and simply walk away more of these guidelines in a moment but first a correction sent to us via ham radio by listener Lucinda Pharaoh in reference to our previous report on found items Lucinda informs me that a group of giant cardboard boxes is actually called a clatter ring of boxes a group of complicated levers and dials is called a befuddled ment of levers and dials not know Ray as I earlier reported we apologize for these errors and remind Lucinda Pharaoh that a group of patents is called a fool am in sadder news old woman Joe C has returned to the hospital with further complications from her broken hip last year it seems that certain infections that were thought to be gone are not gone Doctor said they were optimistic although not necessarily about her case trust more in general I will of course keep you constantly updated The The back to the new landfill guidelines you can bring an entire year to the landfill but you are limited to one per resident so please make sure you're selecting the right year we invite you to remember that the gear that seems uniquely terrible could in fact be merely a gateway to an era of terror the launching point and not the peak to wisely remember two before you throw away an entire hear any given unit of time also contains positive effects push a park because the universe doesn't function in increments of human made time but on an unbroken claims of incidence and outcome but all that said feel free to throw out a year if you want there is an area for dumping things that you aren't yet sure if you regret for example this is where you can put the crushed you have on your platonic friends the moments where you catch yourself distracted by their mouth when they're speaking instead of fully hearing over compensating excitement to display when they get a new partner and the breakup this is where you put that one when you were both a little drunk and ended up fooling around is where you put the next morning when you both pretended nothing happened laughed and joked around like normal fourteen slightly exaggerated version of normal when they left for work in too much of a hurry and you let your coffee get cold while you wondering if you should text but any messaging could think of seemed to be distorted by coded significance thanks for a lovely evening bloated while simply left the key under the mats for good luck with your meeting was too casual almost cold but the absence of a mess it would also send a message in the end you settled on all three placing thanks for a lovely evening in the middle of the other two as one might put condoms on the checkout between roll of scotch tape and a few apples you cannot bring scotch tape your apples here please stop bringing apples they will not buy degrade here nothing by the greats apples are only accepted at the old landfill which has been closed due to the opening of the new landfill you cannot bring piles of mysterious magnetic shavings that blew into your garden after that last but you can bring the you heard in your house after the electricity went down cleats do not bring any lost cell phones nor a flattering box since these guidelines are really beat a maybe the sanitation department needs to get over it so oh well I mean I would never being being an objective journalist but I can report that others might say reporting strong opinions that I've never heard expressed by anyone else but that someone somewhere might be thinking it is an important part of being an objective journalist anyway we pause now to bring you the weather in the the and cane The The Good the was the way he or cash the the three of moment Tina Fey news FAA the saying the the the you use a plea of the the the the the the unions The The The news girl blooming the smell is this the cold The The and made The The The The The The The The The there is a place at the landfill where you can put that summer you know that summer he went to the beach that summer everything seemed great but cool sunglasses that made you feel cool everybody's coconut scented bodies were sliding around on each other and you did things you weren't proud of you don't remember what they were it was so long ago but they're always there those things always hanging around in a sandy corner of your mind along with the cool sunglasses you lost when you stop feeling cool you remember that a black hole opened up in the sky that summer over the weights and no one else all you looked straight into it the it slid open and closed like the aperture of the camera he felt a deep desire to be sucked into it but no matter how hard you will do a body upward you stayed stuck to the street surrounded by the screen burst the people of the roller coaster down the boardwalk and the monotonous drone of the roving street peddler as if to themself water sunscreen some Bella sunscreen some Bellas the unsettled nature of from a passing cart and it did not sit well in fact it feels like that Sharon is still a part if you never digested the steel in fines if you attach to the lining of your stomach like a parasite might grow we might be absorbing your nutrients and gaining strength and then there's the car that charcoal gray car that started following you afterwards you could prove anything it was never closer than two blocks away sometimes you think you still see it parked across the street from Ralph's when you come out with your groceries or when you go to the bank or your driving home from work but then you think no I'm imagining things and you drive out your childhood home which is now abandoned and no you go back there sometimes and you fall asleep on the downstairs sofa while listening to the broken gate creaking in the win you vaguely remember you have to clean everything out of the house before demolition next week you wonder how you're going to get rid of all these things I can't bring the downstairs so far or the broken gate to the new landfill facility you think but I could take those or other physical objects to the old landfill except it's been closed because of the opening of the new landfill you did a great job listening to the guidelines from the sanitation are another thing you can't bring to the new landfill is the Durand Durand poster that you bought to hide the hole that you punched a new ball after that summer that you went to beach mice began nesting there almost immediately and reproducing at an alarming rate everyday after school you put on work gloves and fueled up the bottom of the poster and reached into the hole and scoop out handfuls of baby and threw them out your bedroom window in a frenzy like bailing water out of the sinking but you spend so much time doing this that your grades dropped last week and still you hear them scratching all night long chewing and shredding and rustling and reproducing day you lifted the poster instead of mice there was a black hole a miniature of the one you the water years before it slid open and closed like the aperture of the camera you haven't gone upstairs in here the you cannot bring your mother's half finished needlepoint that will never be complete and so is now finished in its own way you cannot bring the stain on the carpet from with you when your friend snuck in a mixture of everyone's parents alcohol collected in a jar wine and gin than a year and Qi le you cannot bring your journals but you can bring the secrets in doubt even if they are written in a code that you can no longer decipher you can bring the view from the attic that looks toward the high school track where you would sit and watch a certain somebody during practice and tell yourself it wasn't creepy as long as you don't get the binoculars you cannot bring your long dead childhood dogs favorite tennis ball that you aren't yet aware is under the downstairs sofa are you still sometimes sleep when you imagine that the charcoal gray car is following you but where you will no longer sleep after the demolition next week you cannot bring your deceased but you can drink the moment when she woke you up in the middle of the night last breaths and you cried into her fur you can bring the ghost of your grandmother you saw many years before she died you can't bring the fox with human minds the one that they use to tell stories from the camp the one that use all running on two legs beside your car one foggy night when you were coming back from a party in college and the next day you found out your grandmother died that night or you can bring recurring nightmares to the new landfill but not fever dreams at this time fever dreams must be taken to the recycling center in Pine Cliff you can bring the decoys replacement dreams that you get when you are abducted by non humans were government officials that helped you repress the memory of the actual abduction but it is not recommended that you do so the streams serve a valuable purpose there has also been some confusion about whether or not we take physical pain because it is both physical and intangible unfortunately we do not have a way of processing this right now but we are able to take the fear of pain which we think you'll find accounts for a long nothing that you bring here of course is truly lost the but it will remain hidden from view for ever please double check to make sure nothing you wish to keep us attached to anything you plan to discard if you still have any questions about the items we do and do not accept please call ahead before bringing them in a thank you for your cooperation signed the Night Vale sanitation Department well the sisters the certainly be utilizing the new landfill the spring unfunny going to tackle the underground passageway that connects my basement to someone else's basement o Who's be spent in the It would be inappropriate to walk up stairs into their kitchen to find out the door certain social boundaries that must be observed to maintain order but I know they have a lot of the same things that I have in my basement stockpiled cases of the burning wood smoke flavor of look wayy old family photos of mine my own voice heard faintly through the basement door anyway that other basement is a nice place to go when I need to get away but a lot of emotional baggage accumulates in that passage way after awhile the really does stay tuned next for the twelve hour by Norway meditation track of a rain stick being used to tend to rise meet happy purging Night Vale and dying the the reason I fail as a production of Night Vale presents this episode was written by Breen Williams with Joseph Fink and Jeffrey crater and produced by Joseph think the voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin original music by distortion all of its concluding his brand new album of solo piano pieces can be found at discretion dot info for it disperse and got band camp dot com This episodes weather was letter style era when find out more at mural in dot com comments questions email us at info at Welcome to Night Vale dot com or follow us on Twitter at night a radio for March in the street until justice is achieved check out Welcome to Night Vale dot com for more information on the show and live shows that you truly regret a few minutes and while you're there consider clicking the donate it's how all of us artists to get the proper there's no harm in trying to really depends on what you're trying to get 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