26 - Faceless Old Woman (R)
There is a faceless old woman secretly living in your home, and she has something she needs to say. Plus, former intern Dana is still alive and texting us from the forbidden Dog Park, Community Health Tips, and an update on the kittens. (This episode originally posted July 1, 2013.)
Guest voice: Mara Wilson (marawilsonwritesstuff.com)
Weather: 'Black Doe' by Mary Epworth (maryepworth.com)
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Music: Disparition, disparition.info.
Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com.
Following script is auto-generated by Speech to Text Technology:
this is an old episode of Hi Mrs. Joseph were taking a break this month and decided to put out some old favorites of ours this episode you're about to hear was the first episode of her second year back in twenty thirteen and it features the first appearance of Mara Wilson as the faceless old woman who secretly lives at home maybe you've never heard it before maybe you have but it's been a while maybe you downloaded this by mistake in any case there's a couple small differences in this version for those that like spotting differences thank you for wonderful twenty fifteen we look forward to a wonderful twenty six also hate New Zealand and Australia in just over a month we will be doing our first effort or have you with live cease all lived inspiration guest stars and life whether by Tessa tickets at Welcome to Night Vale dot com January fifteen will also be a slightly remixed version of an old episode and if you live in the United States we have some big news that will be telling you in the intro on January fifteen so stay tuned for that and stay tuned now for sound some of it is meaningful thanks trumpets playing soft jazz from out of the dark desert distance they come tomorrow he's too late for OS well the night the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the you know there's a faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home it's true she's there now she's always there just out of your sign the old ways just out of your side because you cannot see her you were probably completely unaware that this woman likes to sift through photos of you and your loved ones she softly touches each face as if she were her own or perhaps claiming as her or perhaps that it's hard to you've never seen the faceless old woman off ever history filled with that being quote pictures of dead wolves or quotes the melting point of birds or why sometimes your shower drain gets clogged with the organ or wise your from behind or scratching door or you awaken to find a long for errors next to Or maybe you've never noticed any of those you've lived your life to this point oblivious to woman who truth be told I think she's probably harmless but maybe you shouldn't sleep in your home anymore just ladies and gentlemen day na has continued to send me texts from beyond the tall black fences of the dog park even though the dog park is for bid in two citizens and their dogs Dana managed to get in and is now trapped there for who knows how long first off she says she's OK she said she's met some nice people and she's never bored she met the man in the tan jacket who has been haunting this city for the past few months in fact Dana says the man in the tan jacket is quite nice and they've really struck up quite a friendship she's still trying to figure out what the man's involvement ease with the hooded figures and the recently deceased Apache tracker and the tiny underground civilization of war mongers who live below lane five of the Desert Flower bowling alley and arcade fun complex he has seemed to pop up in relation to a lot of strange events she's also trying to figure out what he looks like everytime she steps away from that guy's she can't remember a thing about him just that he's wearing a tan jacket and carrying a deer skin briefcase oh and that briefcase Dana says is kind of weird because it's full of flies and that's kind of creepy at first until you realize that he's a fly salesman and that they're all trained they can retrieve mail and speak German and play dead and all kinds of cute things she says he's a pretty cool guy if you get to know him oh and I almost forgot Dana wonders if any listeners with a good arm can get kind of close to the Dong park and throw some beans or chips or beef jerky or something over the tall fence she's very hungry in fact it took me awhile to get through her type O's listeners she must be shaking really badly and now a public service announcement from the greater Night Vale medical community are you feeling run down even after eight hours of sleep are you having trouble breathing between the hours of two and four are you gaining several extra pounds of weight only to lose those pounds suddenly and then gained them back all in five to six hour stretches of time are you craving soil like all the time reach dark soil that you just want cooling your town feeling your throat your sign this season your lungs your belly are you digging up the earth in the early at the half performance on as if it would cordially Lee returning you to the darkness you so richly deserve and psychologically if you answered yes to all of those questions then your fine the program is working all tests have been successful and babies for these and this has been Community Health Tips more on the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home she has issued a statement to the media just now here is that statement and confused there's no sense to how you organize the objects in your fridge I can't determine any sense of order systems to use to contain your vegetables in cans or jars of food stands there are stains again a crown and plants near that of the esoteric history of the food I like the yellowish one of the crisper because I can to see the US has a typography I do not like all of these bugs you have in your home like some of them I also changed her sheets you do not change your sheets enough to not think you are unsanitary but I think you would feel better to change your sheets from time to time and time is weird because it doesn't exist for me in the so the sheets are already covered with your bones and hair and blood but not yet not really young she could see me just cleaning making sense of the nonsense plants and muscles in your fridge but you never know if you just glance left and right every so often you see me I'm right next to you right now I'm even in the mirrors are you just stare at yourself staring only at your over ripe seed in the face and Erin Evan year he could just meet me in the background also it's your life pass me so that's the old woman special announcement I have no idea how we received that recording who recorded it or how an old woman with no face and by extension no mouth could speak so clearly but it was very informative maybe you should try paying more attention when your at home or better yet destroy all of your mirrors as my mother use to tell me someone's going to kill you one day Cecil and it will involve a mirror Mark my words child and then she would stare absolutely through my eyes until I giggled I miss her so much listeners a lot of you have written in asking for photos of cos check station cat and to learn what became of his litter of kittens station management did not let us keep the kittens but they have been given away to good homes unfortunately like aw Shack the cats are also stuck floating in fixed points in space so their owners will have to visit them right where they were born right here in the station bathroom cos she covers about four feet in the air but some of those little ones are as high as nine it's sad that we cannot keep the kittens for ourselves but it'll be nice to see them every time we take a restroom break at work I wish I had some photos to share with you but alas radio is not a visual medium also the last three staff members that took photos not only found that cos Act does not show up in pictures but those staff members also died pretty agonizing deaths the week fall away so we're refraining from even describing what he looks like oh but I did make a quick recording of the meow cos sec makes when it's time to eat the Like I said I'm not a cat person but cos Eric has found a truly special place in my heart I'm getting word that authorities are surrounding your home these authorities are secret agents from a vague yet menacing government agency you are probably looking out your window now to see these agents but they are highly covert you cannot see them even if you look are these specially trained men and women can expertly disguised themselves as trees and doors and birds and feral cats and wind gusts a group of them have even disguise themselves as one item of furniture in your whole eye of not at liberty to even speculate which one but you're probably looking at it right now the baby yet menacing government agency seems upset that the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home has been a lurching due and the media to her presents I mean we all was there who doesn't know about the faceless old woman that high in all of our whole it's not dissimilar to knowing that Santa Claus isn't actually real everyone except young children of course knows Santa is this huge population of heavily sedated and costume to bear the C lets loose across the country every Christmas Eve and the like the Santa Claus myth it's important we keep up the image that we all don't know the truth like let's all pretend Santa is a gift giving old man and not a drugged up government there and in the same vein there's no faceless old woman hiding in your home anyway the agents or encroaching on your home now and preparing to use deadly force I'd like to tell you that you need to run to get out of there now to save yourself but it is too late every entrance and exit is barricaded I am afraid you are due unfortunately the faceless old woman she must know secrets some very important bits that the baby yet menacing government agency holds dear and those secrets are probably about you perhaps she is planning to reveal your purpose perhaps you two are connected albeit unwittingly to the bay get menacing of this information cannot must not be shared you are a walking top secret document and now on the verge of this revelation you must be destroyed on the plus side you had a purpose and that is more than most of you will be so for your last moments though surely ours I give the weather the the the the the the The The faceless old woman secretly living in your home wants to apologize to you she has issued another statement I'm sorry mostly I just want to figure out how to get online I reset the wireless router and that helped but you use Chrome and you never clear your cache history and it was so nice I downloaded Firefox for you and that seems to be working much better I heard the mayor's retiring and I wanted to know it mayoral candidates were required to have the seats at some good ideas I think would help this town like one thing I think as we can increase school funding while still lowering taxes is an innovative plan and I'm gonna build a website that explains it and other great ideas I have helped this town and very excited to announce my candidacy for Knight Bale mayor of soil it your fridge on fire it was upsetting me down smoking cigarette know taking a copy of infinite s she didn't leave a name or a website URL and I'm not sure how she can read websites or books at all without a face and by extension our eyes we've also received word that the covert agents from the vague yet menacing government agency have retreated and have obviously not used deadly force as you are still alive regardless of how dead you feel inside they did however release several thousand spiders into your home fortunately for you like the faceless old woman you will be unable to see these fighters unless you look closely they are highly trained spiders moving just outside of your periphery but and this is also just like the faceless old woman from time to time you will feel them brushing against your soft cheeks and lips as you sleep so keep your eyes open listeners let us all keep our eyes open it's not always easy knowing who and what wants to be seen but when you look around you pay attention to those fuzzy and dark corner here deeper into those predictable patterns like walls and to its burrow that Brown and seek visual truth night to fail if you could only what your not seeing if you could only take in all the complex layers of horrors that lie just beyond to a range of sight if you could only see the world as it really is it is all full and on fire and beautiful listeners stay tuned next for our newest hit program open mouth chew a tonight's topic glass shards how to make the most out of a bad situation until next goodnight to Night Vale goodnight The Night Tale is a production of Night Bell presents it is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey crater and produced by Joseph and the voice of night down the Cecil Baldwin the voice of the faceless old woman was Mara Wilson you can read her writing at Mara Wilson great stuff dot com Original Music by discoloration all they can be found at desperation dot info at desperation Band Camp dot com This episodes weather was black Doe eyed Mary F or find out more at Mary F Worth dot com comments questions email us at info at Welcome to Night Vale dot com or follow us on Twitter at night a radio check out Welcome to Night Vale dot com for more information on the shelf as 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