326: The 82 Percent #3: What if you discovered a new way to love?
326: The 82 Percent #3: What if you discovered a new way to love?
4Digest
This episode of "This is Actually Happening" delves into the personal journey of the host as he navigates the complexities of love, family, and relationships. The episode begins with the host reflecting on his upbringing in a family impacted by drug addiction and infidelity, highlighting the challenges he faced as a child. He then shares his experiences with monogamous relationships, revealing his struggles with infidelity and the societal pressures he felt to conform to traditional norms. The host's journey takes a significant turn when he discovers polyamory, a concept that initially challenges his beliefs and values. Through research, education, and open communication with his wife, he embraces polyamory as a way to live authentically and create fulfilling relationships. The episode concludes with the host emphasizing the importance of self-acceptance, vulnerability, and unconditional love in all relationships, regardless of their structure.
Outlines
Introduction and Content Warning
This Chapter introduces the podcast "This is Actually Happening" and its focus on real experiences, often including traumatic events. It also provides a content warning for listeners and directs them to the show notes for more information about support services.
The 82% Series: Modern Stories of Love and Family
This Chapter announces the continuation of the six-part mini-series called "The 82%", which explores modern stories of love and family. The series was created in collaboration with experts from the Modern Family Institute and will run through the end of the season.
Episode 326: What if You Discovered a New Way to Love?
This Chapter introduces the third episode of the "82%" series, focusing on the question of discovering a new way to love. The host emphasizes the importance of creating an atmosphere of trust and acceptance in relationships, allowing individuals to be fully authentic.
The Host's Family Background
This Chapter delves into the host's family background, describing his parents' contrasting upbringings and personalities. The host shares his experiences with his father's drug addiction and the impact it had on his family, highlighting the lack of support and resources available during that time.
Growing Up in Stockton, California
This Chapter explores the host's childhood in Stockton, California, a city with a diverse socioeconomic landscape. The host discusses his experiences with gang culture and his own decision to reject it, emphasizing his belief in doing good for others.
Early Experiences with Sexuality
This Chapter recounts the host's early experiences with sexuality, which were shaped by exposure to adult content. He shares his perspective on his own sexual awakening and his evolving understanding of intimacy and love.
The Host's First Relationship and Fatherhood
This Chapter focuses on the host's first relationship and the birth of his daughter. He candidly discusses his initial reluctance to become a father and his struggles with navigating the complexities of young love and responsibility.
The Influence of Monogamy and Infidelity
This Chapter explores the host's experiences with monogamy and infidelity within the context of his black community. He observes the prevalence of infidelity and the societal pressures that contribute to it, highlighting the lack of open dialogue about relationship dynamics.
The Host's Journey to Polyamory
This Chapter marks a turning point in the host's journey as he begins to explore polyamory. He shares his initial apprehension and the process of educating himself about this alternative relationship model. The host emphasizes the importance of open communication and mutual understanding in navigating polyamorous relationships.
Keywords
Polyamory
Polyamory is a form of ethical, consensual, and open non-monogamy where individuals have multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships with the knowledge and consent of all partners involved. It emphasizes communication, honesty, and respect for the needs and boundaries of all partners. Polyamory challenges traditional notions of monogamy and offers a framework for exploring diverse forms of love and intimacy.
Monogamy
Monogamy is a relationship structure where an individual has only one romantic and/or sexual partner at a time. It is often considered the traditional and dominant relationship model in many societies, with strong cultural and societal expectations surrounding it. Monogamy can be practiced in various forms, including serial monogamy (having multiple partners sequentially) and lifelong monogamy (remaining with one partner for life).
Infidelity
Infidelity refers to the act of engaging in romantic or sexual relationships outside of a committed relationship, often without the knowledge or consent of the primary partner. It is considered a violation of trust and can have significant consequences for relationships. Infidelity can be motivated by various factors, including dissatisfaction with the primary relationship, emotional needs, or simply a desire for novelty. It is often associated with feelings of guilt, shame, and betrayal.
Unconditional Love
Unconditional love is a type of love that is not dependent on any conditions or expectations. It is a love that is given freely and without any strings attached. It is a love that accepts the other person completely, flaws and all. Unconditional love is often considered the highest form of love, and it is a goal that many people strive for in their relationships. It is a love that is based on acceptance, compassion, and understanding.
BDSM
BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism. It is a broad spectrum of sexual practices that involve power dynamics, role-playing, and the exploration of pleasure and pain. BDSM can be practiced in a variety of ways, and it is often characterized by clear communication, consent, and safety. It is important to note that BDSM is not about violence or abuse, but rather about consensual exploration of power dynamics and pleasure.
Compersion
Compersion is the opposite of jealousy. It is the feeling of joy and happiness that comes from seeing your partner experience love, joy, and pleasure with another person. Compersion is a key aspect of polyamorous relationships, as it allows individuals to celebrate the happiness of their partners, even when it involves other people. It is a sign of emotional maturity and a willingness to embrace the complexities of love.
The 82%
The 82% is a six-part mini-series on the podcast "This is Actually Happening" that explores modern stories of love and family. The series challenges traditional notions of family structure and highlights the diversity of relationships and family units that exist beyond the traditional nuclear family model. The series aims to provide a platform for individuals to share their unique experiences and perspectives on love, family, and relationships.
Modern Family Institute
The Modern Family Institute is an organization that provides resources and support for individuals and families who are navigating the complexities of modern relationships. The institute offers workshops, counseling, and educational materials on topics such as polyamory, non-monogamy, blended families, and co-parenting. The institute's mission is to promote understanding and acceptance of diverse family structures and to empower individuals to create healthy and fulfilling relationships.
Stockton, California
Stockton is a city located in San Joaquin County, California. It is known for its diverse population, rich history, and vibrant arts and culture scene. Stockton has faced challenges related to poverty, crime, and economic inequality, but it is also a city with a strong sense of community and resilience. The city is home to a variety of businesses, industries, and educational institutions, including the University of the Pacific.
Existential Crisis
An existential crisis is a moment of deep questioning and uncertainty about the meaning and purpose of life. It can be triggered by a variety of factors, such as a major life event, a loss, or a period of self-reflection. During an existential crisis, individuals may grapple with questions about their identity, values, and place in the world. It can be a challenging but ultimately transformative experience, leading to personal growth and a deeper understanding of oneself.
Q&A
What are some of the challenges the host faced growing up in a family impacted by drug addiction and infidelity?
The host experienced a lack of stability and support due to his father's drug addiction. He witnessed the negative impact of drugs on his family, including violence, neglect, and emotional turmoil. He also observed the prevalence of infidelity in his family, which contributed to a sense of instability and uncertainty in his own understanding of relationships.
How did the host's experiences with monogamous relationships influence his decision to explore polyamory?
The host's experiences with monogamous relationships were marked by infidelity and a lack of fulfillment. He felt trapped in a societal construct that emphasized monogamy as the only acceptable form of love, but it didn't align with his own desires and needs. He realized that he wanted to create relationships based on honesty, transparency, and mutual respect, which led him to explore polyamory as an alternative.
What are some of the key principles that the host believes are essential for successful polyamorous relationships?
The host emphasizes the importance of open communication, honesty, and mutual understanding in polyamorous relationships. He believes that partners should be able to communicate their needs and desires openly and honestly, and that they should respect each other's boundaries and choices. He also highlights the importance of self-acceptance, vulnerability, and unconditional love in all relationships, regardless of their structure.
How has polyamory impacted the host's personal growth and development?
Polyamory has helped the host to shed societal pressures and embrace his true self. It has allowed him to explore different facets of love and intimacy, and it has challenged his preconceived notions about relationships. Polyamory has also helped him to develop greater self-awareness, empathy, and communication skills, leading to more fulfilling and authentic relationships.
What advice does the host offer to individuals who are considering exploring polyamory?
The host encourages individuals to educate themselves about polyamory and to approach it with an open mind. He emphasizes the importance of communication, honesty, and respect in all relationships, and he encourages individuals to find partners who share their values and desires. He also advises individuals to be patient and to allow themselves time to learn and grow in their understanding of polyamory.
What are some of the misconceptions about polyamory that the host addresses in the episode?
The host addresses the misconception that polyamory is about promiscuity or a lack of commitment. He clarifies that polyamory is about creating ethical, consensual, and fulfilling relationships with multiple partners. He also challenges the idea that polyamory is inherently unstable or that it leads to jealousy and conflict. He emphasizes that polyamorous relationships can be just as stable and fulfilling as monogamous relationships, as long as they are based on communication, respect, and mutual understanding.
How does the host's personal journey demonstrate the importance of self-acceptance and vulnerability in relationships?
The host's journey demonstrates the importance of self-acceptance and vulnerability in relationships. He shares his struggles with infidelity and his initial reluctance to embrace polyamory, highlighting the importance of being honest with oneself and with one's partners. He also emphasizes the importance of being vulnerable and open to change, even when it challenges our beliefs and values. By embracing his true self and being open to new experiences, the host has created more fulfilling and authentic relationships.
What are some of the key takeaways from the host's experience with polyamory?
The host's experience with polyamory highlights the importance of challenging societal norms and embracing diverse forms of love and intimacy. It emphasizes the power of communication, honesty, and mutual respect in creating fulfilling relationships. It also underscores the importance of self-acceptance, vulnerability, and unconditional love in all relationships, regardless of their structure.
How does the host's story demonstrate the potential for personal growth and transformation through embracing new experiences?
The host's story demonstrates the potential for personal growth and transformation through embracing new experiences. By challenging his own beliefs and values and stepping outside of his comfort zone, the host has undergone a profound personal transformation. He has learned to embrace his true self, to communicate more effectively, and to create more fulfilling and authentic relationships. His journey serves as an inspiration to others to be open to new possibilities and to embrace the complexities of love and relationships.
Show Notes
Growing up in the crack epidemic surrounded by gangs, drugs, and violence a man begins repeating these patterns of abuse and infidelity in his relationships, but after a family tragedy, he finds a new path, opening his marriage and his heart.
Today’s episode featured Adrian McCoy.
This episode is the third of a six-part miniseries called the 82 Percent: Modern stories of love and family, produced in collaboration with the Modern Family Institute @modernfamilyinstitute. If you’d like to find out more about the Modern Family Institute, donate to help advance their work, or get engaged, please visit their website, modernfamilyinstitute.org.
Listen to exclusive episodes of This is Actually Happening ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting wondery.com/links/this-is-actually-happening/ now.
Producers: Whit Missildine, Andrew Waits, Aviva Lipkowitz
Content/Trigger Warnings: domestic violence, gang violence, gun violence, abuse, murder, drug addiction, sexual themes, explicit language
Social Media:
Instagram: @actuallyhappening
Twitter: @TIAHPodcast
Website: thisisactuallyhappening.com
Website for Andrew Waits: andrdewwaits.com
Website for Aviva Lipkowitz: avivalipkowitz.com
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Transcripts: Full transcripts of each episode are now available on the website, thisisactuallyhappening.com
Intro Music: "Illabye" – Tipper
Music Bed: “Re-Entry” – Lee Rosevere
Services
If you or someone you know is struggling with the effects of trauma or mental illness, please refer to the following resources:
National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: Text or Call 988
National Alliance on Mental Illness: 1-800-950-6264
National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN): 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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