#46: Sam Ardery - Become Positively Conflicted
#46 Sam Ardery -- Become positively conflicted
Why is the next thing you’re going to say probably a mistake?
Why is conflict a mixed blessing?
Why do you double-down when you know you’re wrong?
These and other critical challenges to conflict resolution will be elucidated when mediation guru Sam Ardery joins The Rabbi and the Shrink.
1:30 Using personal experience to teach without coming off as a martyr or a saint
We trust our own common sense when we need objective perspective
4:30 Conflict is a mixed blessing
Problems are mostly fear-based
Balancing passion against professionalism
9:30 We turn to anger because it’s easier than self-reflection
“Why don’t you change so I’ll feel better?”
We fade in and out of self-awareness
Well-given rebuke can reach us and make us recalibrate
13:00 “Would you rather be right or would you rather be married?”
What are the secrets of successful negotiation?
Ask yourself these questions:
- What do you want?
- What are my biggest fears and concerns?
- What tradeoffs are you willing to make?
Radical listening is key
Ethics is all about relationships: empathy, trust, respect
18:00 Why do we double down when we know we’re wrong?
How do we get past our egos?
Apologies with excuses don’t work
“If you love me, you’ll understand” -- NOT
20:30 Obstacles to resolution and compromise
People who know they have G-d on their side
The longer the problem has gone on
The deeper the emotional investment
Politics today is the new religion
The benefit of constructive disagreement
28:00 Impossible alliances and friendships are actually possible
The value of trusted advisors
Entering conflict ask:
Is it worth it?
Is it safe?
The danger of disproportionate response
34:00 The person who saved Sam’s life
We’re not binary -- we’re complicated
“I may not be much, but I’m all I think about”
We’re all special, and we all suffer
Don’t tell people what they need to understand, what they have to understand, or what they should understand
Understanding is a gift, acceptance is a choice
40:00 We have tremendous influence when we can take our own experience and universalize it to enlighten others
42:00 The word of the day: malevolent
wishing evil or harm to another or others; showing ill will; ill-disposed; malicious:
His failures made him malevolent toward those who were successful.
evil; harmful; injurious:
Recognizing the difference between intended and unintended pain is the key to gauging an ethical response
45:00 conflict is a full-bodied experience
“If in times of tension, the next thing you say will make you feel better, it’s probably wrong
Beware of Pyrrhic victories