55 - The University of What It Is
A representative from the University of What It Is calls the station to find a missing colleague. Plus, an update on the cats, the Barista Cultural Fair, and corrections.
Weather: 'Catfish' by Waxahatchee (waxahatcheemusic.com)
Music: Disparition, disparition.info
Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com.
Following script is auto-generated by Speech to Text Technology:
sometimes the past is in the press and your listening to Welcome to Night Vale are do you like the show so far would you like to wear your enjoyment on your body go to welcome tonight Phil dot com and click on Store we have great t shirts and other night Phil things that you can own like shorts that say creepy but maybe though shorts might not be available anymore see we were moving all things and putting up new things all the time so check back often there's lots more we're always doing new stuff check out weapons tonight they'll talk on the ground hey thank you very much let me be re let us hold the Brie let us briefly be well got to the uh uh uh the uh the uh the the the the snow has received a call today from a Doctor Sylvia K Ali who introduced herself as working at the University of what it is I told her I had never heard of that particular learning institution actually what happened is the name led to a comedic back and forth what what it's what it is it's the university is wat no no of what it is and so was but eventually I have courted her the usual treatment of any academic person of importance which was a bellowing the lecture about the dangers of Education followed by a tense suspicious silence taking advantage of that silence she jumped in and explained that the university of what it is was concerned about one of their faculty member who had taken a sabbatical to investigate some probably fantastical rumors about a strange town into desert and then never return I told her that I didn't know of any strange towns just the pleasant bird we call home well she said of keep trying if you hear from a scientist going by the name of Carlos Lee's let us know as you can imagine listeners I made ol' sorts of noises when she said that but she had already hung up and left no call back number my phone screen just showed a picture of a beach during a bad storm with a shivering human figure often that distance again and again nearly but not quite swept away by the pounding surf I think that's an area code of what Idaho I don't have these things memorized more on this as I aggressively investigate well it's time again for one of our audience is most requested segments I assume I've never actually passed but I can't imagine anyone having a different perspective from my own so I assume this is what listeners are most focused on it's time to check back in we call Shaq and his floating kittens The Shack the cap floating exactly four feet off the ground in the men's room here at the station is doing great nothing to report he's a healthy kitty going through his third mulching of the year at his fur Kos is as radiant and sticky as any cats has ever been to he loves to be petted and the petting is completely survival with the correct antibiotics his kittens are of course also floating in fixed locations in the same bathroom and are being cared for by their various owners Larry Leroy out on the edge of town has especially taken after one of the kittens who he has named confusing Lee Larry Leroy own Larry is just the best Larry Leroy said in what was either an expression of affection or extreme egotism either way he's being a great dad to that little cat and we wish Larry Leroy and Larry Lee Roll A A The Best And Now A Word From Our sponsor additionally when cooking the steak there have been a few basic rules to follow for instance using a form of meat that is recognized by both the current culture and the human body as food following basic food safety procedures so as to prevent illness not intentionally bleeding on the finishing stage but that's just traditionally here at Outback Steakhouse we say No Rules Just Right absolutely no rule its food safety FS federal law the laws of physics order you know are it's weird here the steak blue hse sometimes the state is and also isn't simultaneously sometimes the steak is a chair and we point out the chair and we say that chair is a state and we make you eat it that is the one rule If we say something is a steak you will have to eat it no questions asked I know we said there are no rules but that itself is a rule and so these boys you want your philosophy non contradictory go to Sizzler in the bathroom where most places have a sign saying employees must wash hands we just carved land of the free directly into the wall there isn't even the sink in their back our bathrooms are just sealed vaults full of poisonous gases no rules we might kill you we've killed a lot of people Outback Steakhouse do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law all they received another cold from Doctor K Ali before she even spoke I told her that I in fact knew a Carlos and explained in a completely businesslike and journalistic tone the tenor of our relationship Carlos is there she said only she didn't put a question at the end of it so maybe she was just saying Carlos is there in either case she told me that this was surprising that the university of what it is would send someone right away to see why their faculty member had never made it home I said he never mentioned a university to me and she said do we ever dare to speak of higher education to the ones we love which is a valid point education is such a scary and forbidden subject that you would be a fool to mention it out loud I forgave Carlos for this lapse or I will as soon as I can get him on the phone Carlos call me in the meantime I'll let you know what happens with the folks from the University of what Indians by and now the community calendar on Monday the barista was of Night Vale are inviting everyone in town to come to the priests the district for the annual barista Cultural Fair where they will be performing traditional barista dances like the twice dip and the mustache snort and serving traditional barista foods like lemon Poppy seed scone there will be a showing of our Easter themed movies like jaws and jaws two and Norah Jones will make an appearance via a photo of her tacked up on the walls so you can say Oh look it's Norah Jones while pointing out that bodoh Tuesday is a day for trying to find what you've lost tear through your house dress in clothes you haven't worn in years reenact situations from your childhood and try to get them to turn out differently you will get it all back you will finally have lost nothing it's all possible and it's all healthy Wednesday is a secret has been badly kept Thursday is a day of rememberance and memorials dedicated to all the people who will happen to die on that Thursday the City Council would like a soul to take a moment and think about the many many people who will just happen to die within that particular frame of time for unrelated reasons and adding up to no coherent picture of human existence please find the time with in your life to mourn those who will by complete chance gone lets you turn out to be one of those people in which case they were off the hook and all this tedious reading Stop Friday is a plan that has been poorly thought through Saturday is absolutely nothing you should be worried about it's a whole gained buzzing figures hiding in all of our attics in a statement that the issue today thus revealing she was for the first time their existence Sunday is a lie that has been foolishly this has been the Community Calendar Jackie fee arrow who runs the only pawn shop in town which for some reason is named Lucinda is pawn shop announced today that she is having a sale on ideas about Thai name people keep coming by and pointing their ideas about time Jackie told a friend of hers in confidence never knowing that it was going to end up on the radio and like I don't want to turn them down because it looks like the need the money but dude how many ideas about time I supposed to keep none of these ideas make any sense anyway so if you're looking for a gently used idea about time or perhaps if you pointed your own idea about time able to retrieve it then get on down to the senders pawn shop and talked to Jackie don't know where her pawn shop is don't worry when you need it then then you will know and no corrections in the previous broadcast we swung a baseball bat wildly around the studio knocking or microphone onto the ground until Ollie could pick up was the stomping of our feet as we systematically destroying being of our possessions in a mis guided attempt to make the world better and ourselves more happy after that we mistakenly referred to Trish his age as the assistant deputy to the mayor when she is in fact the deputy assistant to the mayor we deeply regret this error this has been corrections still haven't heard from Carlos the representatives from the University of what it is arrived they are be suited and beheaded and be a number of other things besides they move in a group of three led by Doctor K Ali herself looking at everything and everyone they encounter with a critical eye and what looks like a sneer but could just be the natural set of their faces I rushed out to meet these people that could perhaps tell me something that I don't know about the love of my life only to find that flush with their recent victory over the Carnival Night Vale citizens had cornered the staff members from the University of what it is shouting and waving household items like sticks and police batons and her low purr they cried Ed and heard car no no I said Well yes I said because they were into loafers but good enter loafers were that meant good intro for Dr Kelly did not seem afraid of the crowd she considered the Niceville residents before her and patted the air in a play kidding Moshe and by the way did you know that the term for a group of citizens is a mall the English language is so funny the doctors called demeanor did not transfer to the mall around her they howled and jeered saying things like remember that carnival let's do that again and chanting popular slogans like outside errors by more than anyone know that not poll outsiders are that most outsiders or are outsiders but some outsiders are great the best of my favorite and these outsiders know about that outsider listeners I said to the mob because the moment I began speaking my relationship to them was one in which they were hearing me I said please let us proceed with caution and empathy never tried before maybe it'll work but the mob was beyond hearing and they continued their advance for the first time I looked out at the faces of my fellow citizens and solve them not as friends and companions but as a dangerous combination of suppression and indoctrination so I did the only thing that I could think to do in that moment if you won't listen I said then I will make you listen I will make you all listen to the weather the The The The The The The The News The The The The the the the the so the the the the The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The uh the the The The The The The The The The The the the the the the in the The The The The The The The In The The The The The The The The The The The The The Move The The The The The The The The while the crowd was distracted by the sudden whether I was able to flag down a passing share of secret police helicopter which was conducting routine surveillance operations just overhead I explained to the officers inside all of whom were wearing loose fitting gowns and Richard Nixon masks that I was in need of a lift to the radio station for important community reasons they did not respond but they also did not do anything else so I hustled the representatives from the University of What the is on to the craft and we left the hostile all but listening docile e below a loss please tell me everything was how I casually started the conversation with Doctor K Ali she blinked that would take a long time and I feel like much of it would be things you already know she said continuing for instance tying shoes operating your own Tong the feeling insecure and other things you would know these things already I clarified that I meant everything about Carlos and her university and this is what she said as we hammered our way across the sky she actually shouted it to be heard over the rotors so this is what she shouted shouted that she is from the University of what it is and that they have been looking for some time for a faculty member named Carlos who is a professor of science has been missing for her decades and they were getting very worried they had no choice but to hire a new professor of science but it isn't going well because the guy they hired is a new media artist interested in collage as it intersects with social media and he isn't even sure what science is they don't know why they hired that guy it had somehow made sense when they did it she told me in a quieter voice once we had landed near the safety of the station and they decided that the share of secret police were not going to prevent us from leaving the helicopter she told me that if this is how our town treats outsiders than Carlos is in more danger than she thought I told her that Carlos wasn't treated that way that he was well loved by everyone and especially loved by someone and she said sure sure but she didn't sound like she believed it and then she said that there was much she needed to do but that they would make sure Carlos found his way to safety and they were looking forward to him taking back over the one class they have on science because the new media artists guy is really messing it up he said she had to go buy gave me her card in case I ever wanted to get in touch with her I imagine that I definitely will so there it is so many questions so many possible answers and like the title of that much beloved picture book classic how many lives listeners I do not know everything about Carlos and he does not tell me everything that is ok we are not one person how lonely that would be in a couple who was maimed themselves one so completely that they are once again alone we all are two people separate unique and joined only way or we choose to join I don't know what is his affiliation truly to the University of what it is perhaps I will never know but I can know about the taste of whom is may be or the feeling of his hand in mine or the absence of his hand not mine I can feel the distance between us and I can know that that distance used properly is no distance at all I still think I'll keep Doctor K Ali's card handy just in case I ever need her or what she know it's that time may come certainly so many other times I never even thought possible have come before the state to next for a loss of words an absence of silence some noise some noise and then perhaps and then perhaps the meaning of Night Night Bear goodnight tonight they'll is affectionate commonplace books it is written by Joseph A and Jeffrey trainer and produced by Joseph and the voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin original music by desperation all they can be found at dispersion dot info right desperation Band Camp dot com This episodes weather was catfish by wax Apache find out more at Jackson catchy music dot com comments questions email us at Night Vale commonplace books dot com or follow us on Twitter at night a radio check out commonplace books dot com for more information on the show as well as all sorts of cool night they'll stuff you know why you're there consider clicking the donate because with you today's proverb nine which will involve you regardless of your attempt to literally lock it away in a secluded tower outs