61 - BRINY DEPTHS
A vague yet menacing government agency needs a special message delivered. Plus, Cooking Stuff with Earl Harlan, a mysterious thank-you card, and strange goings on near the haunted baseball diamond.
The voice of Earl Harlan was Wil Wheaton.
Weather: 'The Bends' by Doomtree (doomtree.net)
Music: Disparition, disparition.info
Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com
Following script is auto-generated by Speech to Text Technology:
thanks for listening through the Welcome to Night Vale archive without listeners like you I would be sure whether we existed or not you know what's not listening reading those are two different things if you like to read we also make books like The New York Times bestselling welcome tonight film awful which is a brand new completely standalone story or are multiple collections a podcast scripts with illustrations and behind the scenes commentary available wherever books are let loose on the world still prefer listening the novel is also available as an audiobook form to fight our own Cecil Baldwin there's lots more we're always doing new stuff check out Welcome to Night Vale dot com and click on What's New and no thank you there's nothing under your bed nothing in your closet nothing waiting in the hole you are surrounded by nothing you cannot escape it well come tonight the The The The The The The The The The I have received several urgent Facebook messages and Twitter DM is from a vague yet menacing government agency asking me to deliver the following message or I need dat sae they said that there was nothing secret or important about the message and it was certainly not related to any on going deep undercover operations that they can only communicate with using code words suddenly buried in local radio broadcasts it wasn't anything crazy like that they just think it would be cool to hear me say brine the depths to your deepest smoothest voice they said really sell it really give it your all it would make us so happy please it's our birthday oh did we not mention it's totally our birthday all right in your best voice say Ryan the depths hse well there you go vague yet menacing government agency happy birthday the faceless old woman who secretly leaves in your home and hire him McDaniels who is literally a five headed dragon both former candidates for the mayoral role now filled by Dana Cardinal were seen muttering together in the booth at the moonlight all night diner or Hyrum was seen no one has ever actually seen the faceless old woman but we hold that she is there when reached for comment by a nosy person sitting in the booth next to them Hiram explained that they were just chatting and were not involved in any sort of plans oars skeins at all he then held a conversation with himself about this matter each head providing a different viewpoint in five different voices the gist of which was that no they were not planning any fake definitely not the faceless old woman scratched with what seemed to be a long jagged fingernail into the soul of my shoe this morning that's ludicrous she suggested with a flickering shadow in the corner of my pie as I walked to work we would and after she whispered from behind me just now moving on another installment of what I imagine is our listeners favorite segment cooking stuff with Pearl Harlan as the name implies we have my childhood friend and current su chef at night veils hottest restaurant turn a kit with us here in the studio girl that's me yes well Earl just a few months ago you showed us how to cook tiramisu and that was delightful oh please don't think that this is extraordinarily poisons o Earl you're very funny it will kill you Cecil it is actually poisonous don't cook that slow tell our listeners and me of course what you've been up to since we last spoke mostly on I've been working mostly living I've been spending time with my son trying to remember when I had a son trying to understand the flow of my life and how I don't remember going from being nineteen to the middle aged adult I am now I was nineteen for so long well sure that sounds like fine I'll tell you lately I've been getting into crosswords just can't stop doing them doesn't even feel like it's me doing dumb like it's someone else compelling me to do though sometimes I pick up a cross word I'd never seen before only to find it's been completely filled in with my own handwriting well I'm glad we've both been up to such fun things Cecil think what year were you born so what are we cooking up today a girl ok well today we are making pulled pork ooh that sounds yummy it is or could not be simpler to make to start off with you will need to kill a pig when he defined a living pig to kill that you'll probably need to hold down the pig the pig struggle There Will Be Blood and the some of that belief is the pig will want to live but you need to make a dye that pig will need to die or are then you will need to dis member the pig the pig will be all for you will not here so you need to take apart the Knights and hacking skin have to go peel back that skin and take the muscles and subject a nice fat which is the part you will consume leave the bones and skin behind to rot and news and read slow cook it with some vinegar sugar and some chili put on a bun and there you go pulled pork oh I just can't wait to try that it seems so easy just use one of the pigs I have a home I'm sorry facing downwards I've been going through all my understand this has been a difficult time for me to Carlos is away and we talk regularly but it's not the same as the physical presence of someone you love you know I know but that's what we do we have someone special enough to merit special effort and proud of you for working through this and I'm proud of you for dealing with how the year to time is oh and for raising a son somehow of what is your son's name I knew I wishing you well it's been great catching up of We'll see you again soon Earl I received another flurry of messages from a vague yet menacing government agency saying that well thanks for saying those words for OSS that was great of you but it looks like maybe it didn't work what didn't work they rhetorically just not important they replied to themselves as we said that was certainly not a code word for an undercover agent who apparently wasn't listening to the radio when they were supposed to be which is by the way there only draw and their duty and their life's mission to be listening to instructions from headquarters so no biggie but maybe just use something as simple as listen to the radio at the time we tell you too anyway none of that is important the agency continued and there is no particular reason we're asking you but could use a brine the depths again it's for a friend's birthday it's also our friend's birthday we forgot to mention that please say it again so okay here goes Brian the Des hse hse happy Birthday to your friend I hope you enjoyed that but I really can't keep interrupting my broadcast with this stuff Little League coach Betty Lou Cerro is reporting that there are strange goings on near the haunted Baseball time and her team uses for practices and league games no no it's haunted she said I get that you don't have to explain that to me I'm saying that there is other weird stuff going on beside the usual ghosts she went on to anguished howls coming nearby and a red glow at night that made feel and itchy looked directly at it she also said that the baseball diamond rot in which is a detriment to her team's performance as we spoke and operation Grey's woman in a tattered dress appeared hovering on the baseline yelped a little maybe scrambled backwards a bit but coach Lou Cerro laughed and said Oh Oh that's just Lucia our third base coach she died in three say hi Lucia out suddenly inches from my face her pupil less eyes directly I responded professional and coach Lou Cerro laughed for unrelated reasons not anything to do with how I may have reacted and said our Lucia she then went on to say that she feeling about the weird the baseball and she probably said some other things but I was running away so I didn't hear hers well ah oh listeners this is exciting I received mail today I didn't think mail was still being delivered not after what happened at the post office but here it is on envelope addressed to one Cecil Palmer in neat handwriting with the address of the station right underneath if you want to send us an e mail sense apparently that is a thing which exists and is working now our address is uh uh uh uh the the the the Night Vale please do send stuff in it's always nice to hear from fans but back to this envelope maybe this is silly but I waited to open it until I was on the air it seem more fun if we can find out together what was inside I'm I'm opening it now and here we go it's oh it's a greeting card it says thanks so much on the front and it has a picture of a cat playing with the ball of yarn well that's just the cutest although I can't imagine why someone sent me this hard time opening its ow ow a photo fell out oh dang it it fell behind the desk the inside of the car just has the words thank you for what you did printed and that it signed Erica over and over in multiple hand writings me trying to grab that photo an I'm going to have to crawl under the desk while I do that here's a word from our sponsors today's broadcast is sponsored by Kobe beef the thirty days you crash alright listeners I got the photo and it's it's a photo of me at City Hall I'm fighting off a pack of antiques in front of the mayor's to war but it wasn't pee in turn Hector did that last month he came back with that bite I don't remember ever leaving my desk when the antiques attacked or mayor what is this photo it must be fake doesn't look fake no it must be fake right why would I not remember saving the mayor more on this later as I face my fragile self and tried to understand my own reality okay now oh this is getting out of hand the vague get menacing government agency sent me a snapshot and several anonymous asks on tumbler saying that they were happy about me doing that whole broadcasting their secret code word thing before but that the message didn't seem to be getting through or it's not a message that was for phrasing on their part sorry there just flustered talking to their favorite radio host all they meant to say that they haven't had the best birthday ever yet neither has their friend plus they forgot to mention in millions and millions of people have the same birthday as damn think of how many people have their birthday today and all of them the agency you sure just want you to say that little thing again just once more in your smoothest deepest voice they say that they've made it so our station is currently broadcasting on every single radio frequency so no one could possibly miss these special birthday greetings and it will finally be the best birthday ever this is the last time okay and doing it just once more here I go and really tried to enjoy this because I am not doing it again or IED deaths sae if if they're shouting coming from the recruits some sex couple and there's there's also shouting coming from outside of a lot of shouting of four were the voices of the stomping feet of a crowd if the birthday greetings were apparently very special I need to go see what this commotion is about files be back soon if in the meantime if both refer to faith and those who were never born you know whether the county and the The The The The The The The Last of the the the soul the neck to the full moon came to the costumes the the West with the The the move will tell you that was quite a scene I will tell you right now it seems that running the depths was in fact a code word wish they had warned me about that for an undercover agent in the field unfortunately it seems that it was the code word for every secret agent in the field the signal for all of them to do every nefarious action that they had been planted years ago to perform all over town people we thought of as friends and family revealed themselves to be carefully planted agents Adam Beyer weekday shift manager at the Ralph's grabbed the discounts soup display and carried it to an unmarked van that had been sitting in the parking lot as long as anyone could remember and then drove wildly away hundreds of Bush's entries leapt into action revealing themselves to be suit and sunglass wearing agents in disguise using clever costumes that fooled all of us for years such as holding a handwritten sign that says I am a tree Larry Leroy out on the edge of town lit his refrigerator on fire but he said that wasn't because of any secret agent stuff just wanted to do that someone had suggested it to him once although he could not remember who in fact it seems that every single person in night fail was actually a secret agent waiting to be activated we had all been implanted with the exact same code phrase which is the kind of sloppy organization that is just what our government is coming to or whatever and such the you know look honestly my heart isn't in this reporting blah blah My everyone we've ever known is secretly an agent but here I listeners secretly hero secret even from myself it was not Hector who saved Dana but me me acting without memory or agency what is happening to me how do I not remember something so huge I need to talk to Carlos perhaps science can help me science so rarely applies to the real world but once in awhile it provides a nice metaphor or turn a phrase that makes you think about real things differently I'm hoping Carlos can do that for me now that everyone has been activated as a secret agent and did the one thing they were secretly supposed to do for years everyone has just gone right back to doing what they had been doing before everything is back to normal except that we all we are old secretly the undercover planted agents here to spy on each other and since we all know it we are no longer secret agents we are just ourselves secretly listen I know it's confusing but I didn't invent logic our extra terrestrial ancestors didn't stay to next for old the air being sucked out of the room your in We're sorry we're so sorry but this is the only way to night night veil that night what the hell is a production of commonplace books it is written by Joseph bank and Jeffrey Crane are produced by Joseph and the voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin the voice of Earl Harlan was wil Wheaton original music by distortion all of that can be found at desperation dot info at desperation got band camp dot com This episodes weather with the bands I didn't re from their just released album All Hands find out more about that album and their current or doom tree dot net comments questions email us at night they lack commonplace books dot com or follow us on Twitter at night a radio check out Welcome to Night Vale dot com for more information on this show as foes all sorts of cool night they'll stuff you can own and while you're there consider clicking the donate link that be cool if you today's proverb my haters he my motivators mostly they tell me I suck and then I get sad this was a terrible idea