62 - Hatchets

62 - Hatchets

Update: 2015-02-155
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Description

Night Vale Daily Journal editor Leann Hart announces changes at the newspaper, while continuing a successful execution of her most controversial business plan. Plus, a station editorial, a look at local traffic, and a parade for a local sports hero.

Weather: 'Anarchy Date' by Queer Rocket (queerrocket.com)

Music: Disparition, disparition.info

Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com.

Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook.



Following script is auto-generated by Speech to Text Technology:

they are to dream a do it we dare you go ahead dream it'll be fine we promise well come tonight the The The The The The LeAnn Hart Publishing editor of the night feel Daily Journal announced today that for a limited time The Daily Journal will print actual newspapers again no longer will subscribers have only the imagination edition of the daily paper a compulsory and automatic sixty dollar monthly charge to imagine whatever news you want they will once again have the tyranny of a printed daily edition where all of the stories are immovable declarations of recent history told by a biased and underpaid third party exciting time to work in print journalists all my heart shouted after a news blogger who was sprinting away from the hatchet wielding better end of the printed word part then hurled another hatchet at the terrified representative of The Daily Journal's digital competition she hit her target just behind the knee telling him as he made a sharp cry and a dull asphalt but a very exciting part shouted she added these printed versions of the day the paper are collector's items we've deliberately inserted a bunch of errors in to them because true collectors know that makes them worth of a bunch more listeners I for one think a resurgence in the newspaper industry would be great this could mean even more jobs here in night fail this will create lots of new jobs for Night Vale heart will certainly have said By this time tomorrow lots of real awesome jobs I am sure she will have reiterated and now a look at traffic there's an accident at the corner of hollows Road and Great Hills Drive it's a pretty bad accident it is likely neither party saw an accident of this magnitude coming each driver stands staring dumbfounded at their two twisted cars which look like one one was not a call or a spiteful burning Beast born of mundane haste and arrogant industrial progress the two drivers cannot comprehend what to do they are still mostly fidgeting sometimes thinking not at all a neighbor who came out of her house upon hearing the hard smash of hard metal can't seem to process what is happening either she's slowly away as if wanting to lean for wanting to forget she ever witnessed this but she cannot the she cannot take that first step our eyes growing wide wild as her mouth opens slack at first and then slowly re coils into an unheard to scream the two drivers feel the neighbor there but they do not turn they do not ask for help or aid to too scared to move they stand and gaze into the crumpled slips along the sides of the press corps that damn double block of hopped machinery and its black smoke swirls and on the concrete there is class and above the glass or arms and hair and drying blood and the drivers stare at their own wretched bodies inside the mangled contraptions and they do not think about anything other than what they once were they watch their bodies hoping for it which oppress any kind of movement hoping for another chance in life so it's backed up pretty bad near the Best Buy choose some alternate routes today he says be in traffic you listeners I'm a pretty straight and narrow radio professional I am all about objectivity and impartiality bought it's time for a Cecil Palmer editorial given the growing prevalence of the Internet not just on computers but also phones and watches and owls and certain trees our private information is just out there waiting to be taken and exploited by the wrong kinds of people of course it's vitally important that they get menacing government agencies have access to our personal data like income dream journals phone logs embarrassing thoughts and slash fiction Archives who also the police and the World Government oh and the mayor and the faceless old woman who secretly lives in all of our homes yes those people should all have access to our private data but now there are things cold scripts and algorithms that can just scan our e mails and our purchase history and all those photos of cats wearing baseball mitts we like to share with each other and the scripts and algorithms are sometimes called the box and these blocks are large cyborg that break into our homes and look through our stuff and then Phoebe secrets to corporations and then these corporations make more blocks and soon we will have to fight bot armies but with what knives and guns are completely internet based now they will turn against us in that war we are not safe from the impending bought wars so stop having personal data is what I'm trying to say no more emails no more job histories night fail no more cat pictures or erotic fanfic or text messages I know on I know this is difficult on the one hand we enjoy having personal information like careers and friends and hobbies the other hand we're talking about war and on the third eleven fingered hand nothing is to say boss wouldn't be benevolent leaders but I do not wish to find this out on I'm sure the naysayers will tell me that I'm I'm overreacting which I am but it's my opinion okay you don't get to tell me who's overreacting your her under reacting all say Yeah I'll totally say that I see it right to their face and what was that oh okay listeners in turn just handed me a note explaining that the City Council has just declared all information totally public and that sense no information is private anymore the giant corporations and their bots cannot harm us by mining private data the city will keep all our information safely out in the open and available to anyone wearing sunglasses and a side arm a thanks Maureen moments ago the share its secret police held a secret press conference reminding us that old murder is illegal also attempted murder like let's say you tried to kill a person but you don't actually succeed a secret police spokesperson whispered from behind a concrete pillar in the underground garage of the dis used East night they'll all then that's still illegal even if you didn't kill that person but what if you just think about killing a person but don't actually do it came one question from the batch of reporters who were also whispering and hiding well that's not illegal then the spokes person whispered in reply but I have it all planned out and everything the reporter continued I just haven't done it yet is that illegal well that's just me Ina and kind of We urge to said the secret police spokesperson before walking out into the open and saying a LeAnn is that you um no no noo blur came a comically deep voice that was obviously fake not mere arm just in the bagel romper someone from the grown on I'm in animated Gore or beards to LeAnn we know it's you said the spokesperson stop attacking bloggers with Hatch it's we found a dozen more wounded bloggers and Mission Grove Park this morning they all had hatch it's in their backs and were very upset it's not nicely n its also illegal ok r emo or gold rope or sure ur heart replied still whispering and hide a No Word From Our sponsor you are thirsty of course you are we are all metaphorically thirsty for better things but you are literally thirsty little relief thirsty for anything you can feel your dry lips swollen and sticking together crusted gray edges adorning the pink paint beneath you lick your lips feeling better for a moment but actually worsening the problem it's hot right pretty hot and dry actually are those flies yes those are flies are those birds vultures yes actual vultures in your home how did these soaring scavengers get in my home you think perhaps you could use some who your natural and refreshing Fiji Water the US Fiji water's sounds oo nice doesn't it but Fiji Water is not who is sponsoring this show Fiji Water doesn't even know about this show who is sponsoring this show we cannot tell you we're not allowed Fiji Water is completely unaware of you do so sorry this will not and quickly so very very sorry this has been a word from our sponsor this afternoon Night Vale High School and the armed militia that make up our committee for civic pride are holding a ticker tape parade for local sports hero Michael Sam Darrow who begin the first night Valle High athlete to play in a college football national title game unfortunately send arrows team the University of Michigan Wolverines lost two copies of themselves in the title game but sand arrow did win the Heisman Trophy for the nation's best college football player and did his hometown crowd intern Marine who I said to report on the parade oh his taxi that there's a problem I'm getting word that LeAnn Hart has interrupted the festivities with an announcement of Oh wow according to Marines flurry of texts heart is claiming that Mitch again did not play itself for the title as proof of her claim part passed out copies of a news article from The Michigan Daily from January thirteen stating that at the end of the season Mitch again lost more games than day one and that their quarterback's name is Devin Gardner not Michael Sand arrow on the front page of the tissues of the daily is a headline strongly indicating that people at the University of Michigan can remember most things correctly pretty much know with major memory problems here the headline reads she also claims that a school called Ohio State won the national title over school called a recon Marine confirmed that while Tokyo is in fact a U S state meet again and oh re gone are neither states nor cities anyone seems to have heard of before we're still trying to figure out their languages of origin Maureen is taxing me that hard is now shouting longer over and over Maureen is taxing me that heart is hurling hatch it's now Maureen is texting me that everyone looks pretty scared Maureen just texted me I'm hit let me let me respond really quickly is that slang for something Maureen okay she texted back I'm hit she got me I'm bleeding I understand young people and their weird tech speak at all who even knows what she's trying to say Well whatever Twilight ex Marine back with a quick grammar lesson let me take you to the weather the listeners I have just learned that Maureen was struck with a hatchet thrown by LeAnn Hart so than to the family of internal Maureen she was a good in turn a valiant in turn brave right up until the end sadly she is with us no more she will be missed for the hatchet attack on Maureen as well as several other attacks at today's parade and more than five dozen similar hatchet based assaults in the past several weeks the sheriff's secret police arrested Lee and heart we told you it was illegal to kill people LeAnn the sheriff himself said from his hover office in the clouds and also to tried to kill people but they were bloggers heart replied I can't stay in business and create jobs if news bloggers are putting me out of business and destroying those draw lbs and the sheriff agreed saying it's the secret police's job to protect business interests as well as citizen interests the city council also agreed so did the vague yet menacing government agency nodding quietly from inside their long black sedans with tinted windows while snapping photos of everything they saw the mayor did not agree Mayor Dana Cardinal went against the city council and said that she for one did not think people or businesses should be allowed to use physical violence against their competition or anyone for that matter the City Council bristled and then they also walked and flew away it is unclear whether or not news bloggers agree as many of them have gone silent on this issue replacing their investigative reports and think pieces with pictures of cats wearing baseball gloves and top rated recipes for invisible pie the sheriff then announce that all charges against Hart would be dropped except for the assault on internal Rena Maureen after all was not a news blogger but a radio in turn who pose no direct threat to hearts newspaper the sheriff said and by greed the sheriff then played the entirety of Dominik oh golly he's so not taking on his gold cello but she looked like a bull on her part insisted she was typing into her phone to all those bloggers do that bloggers love typing on their phones but she worked in radio LeAnn the sheriff said as he ended the series of lilting high notes with the single discordant based o he closed his eyes and shook his head I'm sorry but that is attempted murder you have to go to jail now oh but I didn't attempt to kill her you said murder and attempted murder were illegal murder wasn't my intent LeAnn said then what was your intent the sheriff asked Oh just throwing a hatchet at her nothing more nothing less Hart said I meant nothing by it she added brushing her hands together and in holding them out empty and clean her open palms signified case closed and the sheriff held to the higher law of gestures had no choice but to acquiesce so heart was set free turned back into the world to print more news to keep the industry ally before she left she paused and said I think something's wrong in Michigan and listeners that's how she said it I don't know why it's very clear how it's actually pronounced if you see it written out and she held up her copy of The Michigan Daily from January thirteen with an article that said Mitch again send a row lose close one to themselves and the front page of The Michigan Daily Now showed a bold headline that we have forgotten so many saints and in several blank columns with no story merely pictures of normal things like shoes and birds and ghosts all captioned with a series of frantic question marks I guess I was wrong earlier I don't know we heard my heart said with a shrub that is raise the weird de the sheriff agreed finishing out the Sonata before disappearing in a soft greens I agree in a city nearby News blogger who was coughing up blood and clutching tightly to the hatchet lodged in her abdomen I can't wait to log about it the blogger said through greeted t v and tightened her grip on the hatchet in her left and raising it slightly there was a tense pause that was eventually broken by a light smirk from LeAnn Hart then the two of them and laughed they are both still laughing now because of the hatchet attack she survive today in turn more Renae has resigned from radio as I clearly and without any other possible interpretation explained earlier so she wasn't hurt that badly but more Reid went on and on about radio being a dangerous job and totally worth the constant risk of death I told her she makes it harder than it needs to be she rolled her eyes and packed up her desk I miss her already she had a good sense of humor stay tuned next for something clawing at your window it will also be sniffing sniffing and cloying at your window occasionally it will wail occasionally you will hear nothing so to recap sniffing and clawing at your window over and over with the occasional piercing wail and then silence is all that next and is always Good Night Night Vale good night ER the Welcome to Night Vale is a production of commonplace thus it is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey trainer and produced by Joseph voice of Night Vale Cecil Baldwin original music by discretion although that can be found at desperation dot info or it desperation Band Camp dot com This episodes weather was in our key date by queer rocket find out more at queer rocket dot com comments questions email us at
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62 - Hatchets

62 - Hatchets