66 - worms...
The worms have returned to Night Vale. Plus a new Book Club in town, spring Little League baseball tryouts, and an update on the search for two fugitives.
The voice of the Faceless Old Woman was Mara Wilson.
Weather: 'Little Black Star' by Hurray for the Riff Raff (hurrayfortheriffraff.com)
Music: Disparition, disparition.info
Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com.
Following script is auto-generated by Speech to Text Technology:
we ol live the dream of the pond damp earth spotting clouds shaped like animals we have yet to invent well tonight the the the the uh the the the if you woke up today your probably already well aware of the worms it's been about twelve years since the last round of the worm based terror in this town but they're back they're doing all of the usual worm things flying around and dropping trees onto cars and houses spitting venom at people and eating stray cats and then leaving large mule in hell it's all about town thousands of worms have managed to completely envelop the rec Center annex which is where today's continuing education course counterterrorism techniques for beginners was taking place sadly despite frequent pleas by many to classify worm attacks as terrorism worms remain classified as a low grade infestations and thus were not covered in today's continuing education course work this means more giant squirming pellets to clean up um yeah worms worms worms worms great unrelated to anything just wondering but have you ever asked yourself why the dog park is off limits I mean I know it's a municipal park and all but shouldn't citizens be able to use it seems kind of weird right that you can't just go to the dog park and hang out maybe even bring your dog know it's not like it contains any kind of vast desert of the world where my boyfriend lives it's I'm sure it's just a plain old dog park and not an old dimensional portal may be our mayor will try to open up the dog park for public use just temporarily say for a few minutes maybe our mayor can help me out for once that would certainly be a friendly and May oral thing to do after years of applications for city approval there is finally an official Night Vale book club listeners the book club which is run by fourteen year old Leo file and heroic vigilantes to Mika Flynn will feature weekly discussions of popular and classic fiction as well as Q and A's with the book experts about some of literature is most famous controversies like last week's heated argument about whether or not Herman Melville really wrote all of the novels which bear his name or just Fight Club The Book Club meets Tuesdays from two p m to four p m at Kat's hardware and discount pastries members can candidly discuss the books without fear of most government repercussions while gnashing on some delicious sweet and we byproduct free pastries sold at great discount to you Patty's also specializes in hammers Crow bars and anything heavy that it's in your hand and can be easily swapped to shop at Paddy's they'll never suspect a thing Patty shouts in the looped recording playing from her perpetually squirming animatronic statue out front of her flagship store this week's book is Helen to its The Last samurai there is only one heavily charred edition of this novel left in the world but to me assures us that she managed to borrow a copy from the library's forbidden material collection to cheated finger quotes around the word borrow while also shaking her head no and stomping on I am being totally facetious in Morse code with her right leg then an owl landed on her shoulder and winked spring league baseball tryouts are next Saturday afternoon at the haunted Baseball Diamond Children you to organize baseball will be assigned to teams automatically based entirely on their personal dispositions that way there's a whole team of courageous players a whole team of clever players one of conniving selfish players and one that takes all the rest of the players just like the former Major League Baseball teams tryouts are from ten a m to two p m with volunteer coaches Betty Lou Cerro and Lucia Terrace Chico the Night Vale Youth Baseball Association is asking parents to bring any extra baseballs to tryouts as coach Tara Strong go died over a hundred and fifty years ago and is now a ghost and so has a hard time picking up ground balls during batting drills of getting an update on the worms City Council has now elevated the warning scale from worms with a lowercase w followed by the lip service to worms with a capital W and two exclamation points it is not yet reached all caps were but if something is not done this could become a more destructive worms outbreak of the famous worms with all caps one exclamation point and underlined twice disaster of nineteen ninety seven you know listeners if the worms get near the dog park perhaps the hooded figures who pace about behind the whole black fences would get distracted and I could run in there and get to the desert other eye to you I could just go check out the dogs catching tennis balls and have a nice relaxing afternoon in a local park or actually no no I'd make a break for the dozen other world inside the dog park and finally go visit Carlos you know something and now word from our sponsors too much clutter in your home do you have excess furniture old clothes a couple of folding bikes you never ride anymore jazz CDs that you no longer want because you finally realize how intellectually dangerous they can be perhaps you could put that stuff online for sale there's no reason to let old junk go to waste how does that saying go one person's trash is another person's leather body suit it's true I bet that couch of yours would look really good is in the SE Denise Esposito his house in fact it's there now we went ahead and sold your couch to Denise she's already common picked it up while you were at work also we sold your TV to Sally Jensen and your fridge to Mario Landis and both of your cats to Pedro Reyna we sold all your belongings and you didn't have to do a thing Craig's List we sold your stuff while you were gone due to today's worm attacks the share of secret police are putting their search on hold for literal five headed dragon hiring McDaniels and the baseless old woman who secretly leaves in your home after the attempted coup at City Hall several weeks back the secret police have been aggressively pursuing the two fugitives who have reportedly conspired many times to overthrow Mayor Dana Cardinal mayor Cardinal has been imperiled several times in the last month only to be saved by someone controlling Night Vale community radio host Cecil Palmer who is still quite upset about being used against his will if the mayor had just asked for my help I would have happily come to her aid on my own a frustrated Palmer said just now into this very microphone Palmer alleges that Mayor Cardinal purchased it last year in an auction as has been using him as her personal protector the mayor has denied these charges but like the night Bill Constitution says denying that you are guilty is a major sign of guilt the secret police had previously warned against approaching either hire him or the thesis old woman as they are both deadly but the secret police have been so busy dealing with the worms today that they just can't deal with everything on maybe you could help us out a bit you think a secret police spokesperson said as worms gripped his legs tighter I'm sure you'll be fine if you can find either the eighteen foot tall five headed dragon or the omnipresent if the real woman who you can't quite ever see go ahead bring them down thanks for doing that big help they help the spokesperson said As the worm consumed with one slimy gulp the cutlets in his left hand the secret police added they received a tip from Knight Bale human Frank Chen that he saw hiring McDaniels flying our to some other place and so Chen said Hyrum is definitely not still in Knight Bale I remain coming round here anymore I'm sure of the tens long Gold Head State I will Australian useless cos u man Chen's steely green head at it stop calling people humans we are human remember Chen's blue heads said Oh I mean I am human and old Kirby Chen's gray had said I got the chance purple had grumbled from behind the other heads speaking of the faceless old woman she knows alot about this town I bet I could ask or how to get into the dog park how to get into that desert other world I should ask her but I'm not sure I'll be able to ask me what O basal woman you scared me I know so you want to go to the desert of the world and visit your boyfriend well you are upset that the mayor has been using you to protect her from those wonderful threats to her life and you're frustrated by this town and you just want some time away to clear your head and say you don't have to always be saving the mayor from whatever great forces are trying to remove her from office well that and by great I mean really incredible of course who even knows he's been doing all this to the mayor I mean I know I know everything that all of these delightful rumors and lies about me and Hyrum I mean how can people even report such rumors are not totally untrue I suppose and how on earth could I even basis old woman yes I'm sorry I'm a bit distracted you know how to get into the dog park I do I want to help you because well I want you to be happy Cecil I will tell you how in a dream you will be in a boat which will sink of course and you lose all of your teeth and as you are trying to pick up your teeth will find an oil painting of the troll A you will then place an eagle on the record in the entire painting chest will open and dozens of red birds with gold ribbons in their talons will fly from you and the ribbons with mixture and then open body carrying into the scene dropping you into a frantic Eddie a pink fish near concrete you must make it immediately when you see the shadow of a young from behind the coral do not like long hair when you awake you hear her weeks and she will tell me how to get into the dog park I don't know what to tell you this old woman I have to go ahead to get back to keeping it does and I am whatever it is the shat is doing in the car seat home of his time like there will be fine the mayor will be a nice long break Cecil you've earned it basis old woman hello she's gone I think listeners oh dear I have made a mistake I believe I have upset station management the I think by openly talking about the dog park has proved to be far too political a topic for this station's old fashioned values that believe in not questioning local world or secret Chilean government's nor their parks I have grown Cavalier in my anxiousness to get out of town for a vacation and this lack of care in my job perhaps will lead to Mike and I do not like the color glow week around my studio door right now I do not like the predatory all sniffing around the doors hedge I do not like the calm nor the heat to the north cold in my heart cannot face the listeners want a vacation I just want to see Carlos for a week day oh the noise in the lights are gone hole that is left is a black envelope upon which is a single silver glyph lightly of Fire II I do not recognize the language nor even the alphabet of this burning symbol but I know in my mind exactly what this says I wish I did not know I must have courage I must open this frightful news before I do let me say I am sorry to station management and to the City of Night Vale I have betrayed your trust with my careless speech if spared I promise to never speak ill nor questioned the dog park again but for now I will take myself to my punishment and I will take you to the weather the the the the the has the wit the the the the dead the to the the um the the the the the the net so much Joes who is she the the mushy The The The The Way The The The The cool the the just the the way The The The The D you guess what the envelope wasn't about the dog park at all I felt a McD's baking station management for forgiveness but the silence me immediately they were simply letting me know that my vacation had finally been approved I was confused for a moment I asked about the burning glyph on the outside of the envelope and what I thought it meant which took some explaining as I didn't know how to describe that particular horrifying experience in English and they laughed and said no that cliff is just the ancient abbreviation for human resources there who approved the vacations around here then they showed me the actual glyph that meant what I thought the other one meant and I lost consciousness I'm not sure for how long when I woke I heard the whispered instructions from the woman in the coral and then I heard laughter o station management was laughing and I laughed too and then they stopped laughing or prowling perhaps it was growling they were doing it's very difficult to say what that noise is they make out yeah I think it was growling now I'm super embarrassed about laughing anyway the worms the worms have backed down thanks to a flame thrower and fierce rhetoric by the City Council resulting in some sick birds both metaphorically and literally the worms have left sure to return for us again someday as old a feature of entry will friends the listeners poll of Night Vale I love you very much tiny tiny way to paint with guests and also some time to myself to reflect also I got a message from an old colleague acquaintance the nemesis who lives there is well you know I don't want to talk about it just yet they fail we've had many great years together and I won't be gone long but I've also grown weary weary of some friends who are less than friends are weary of fights that need not be fall weary of not being myself some of the time which is something I strongly prefer to be all of that I'm weary sometimes of Night veil itself I think I'll be back whenever refresh you'll know when it'll be when you hear my voice again stay tuned next for now I don't know anyway time for vacation and Good Night Night veil off goodnight The Who welcome to Night Vale is a production of commonplace books it is written by Joseph ang and Jeffrey trainer and produced by Joseph and the voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin the voice of the faceless old woman was Mara Wilson original music by distortion all they can be found at desperation dot info right desperation Band Camp dot com This episode sweater was little black star by her A for the riff raff find out more at her A for the riff raff dot com comments questions email us at info at Welcome to Night Vale dot com or follow us on Twitter at night Belle radio check out Welcome to Night Vale dot com for more information as well as all sorts of cool night they'll stuff you can own and while you're there consider clicking the donate link because of you today's proverb When You Wish upon a star your dreams come true but because of distance not for millions of years