92 - If He Had Lived
This week is National Alternate History Week. Plus an update on the Beatrix Lohman Memorial Meditation Zone, a warning from the National Weather Service, and Children's Fun Fact Science Corner.
Weather: 'Opposite House' by Cass McCombs (cassmccombs.com)
New Books: Night Vale Podcast Episodes, Volumes 1 & 2
now available for pre-order
Welcome to Night Vale: The Novel. welcometonightvale.com, click on book.
Night Vale European Tour Dates:
Oct 3-23, 2016
welcometonightvale.com, click on live shows.
Aug 25, 2016
welcometonightvale.com, click on live shows.
Music: Disparition, disparition.info.
Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com.
Following script is auto-generated by Speech to Text Technology:
hi this is Joshua Frank creator of Welcome to my family let's talk life events because we have a lot of them of different kinds and New Jersey show up book tour to L A pod fast and then a pig Europe toward let me go through them real fast one New Jersey show the only New York City area show off our best and most ambitious live show yet ghost stories featuring some special guests that won't appear at any other version of the show plus live whether from Vassar August twenty fifth tickets are on sale now to the first two volumes of my two episodes in book form come out September six and we will be doing a book tour in September to New York Cincinnati right back Menlo Park San Francisco San Diego and L A Now these are not live shows these are Jeffrey and I talking with some of our favorite people like Glen David Gold and Mallory or her and Dylan Marin and more and of course signing books three We are thrilled to appear at the L A pod fast this September twenty third twenty fifth where lead actor Cecil Baldwin and writers Joseph Jeffrey will be appearing in various panels and also presenting a performance of the live show that we have not performed in years with some special guests L A pop fest dot com for more four And finally we are going all over Europe this October to eleven different countries including a second show just added the taco a show at the West and Peter in it's almost sold out and our first shows ever in Madrid Warsaw Prague for the full list of all our dates and tickets go to book appt I feel da com and click on live shows if you haven't seen a fill line you haven't lived we can't guarantee that that's true stick around after the upset today for a little bonus hey hey hey which came first the chicken in the A or airplanes well go tonight fail the the the the the the the listeners this week is National alternate History Week in which we celebrate our rich history that could have happened if what actually happened didn't happen the night Bill Historical Society sorts through the local submissions and the best story gets placed into the elementary school curriculum it's a fun activity that helps boost creativity and obfuscate the past today for my version of history I will be looking at the Kennedy assassination and trying to answer the question What if he had lived well here's a start he would have eaten lunch did you know he was on his way to lunch when he was killed he once he was probably hungry if he had lived he would have eaten big bites full of gusto later that day he would have gone to Austin he would have briefed deep healthy rats he probably would have been reelected if he lived to work and some charismatic guy like that four more years though Lyndon Johnson or Lyndon Johnson would as far as I know continue to exist but no President Johnson without the pressure of having to win another term perhaps he would have pulled us out of Vietnam in sixty six or sixty seven saving countless lives and forever altering the cultural and artistic landscapes of the late sixties and early seventies our art would be different that would be more of us and he would go on living Jackie Kennedy would feel no grief she would never have to feel grief again she would stand ageless and smiling on band stands on stage is waving her smile distant not even a smile but a performance of a smile waving on band stands on stage is reflex way thing ageless smiling or in our story of the field leave soon but first the news I know that some of our listeners were worried about the Beatrix Logan meditations show that state of the yard and enormously expensive institution that reopened this spring there was concern that the meditation stone may have been damaged or even destroyed in the attack by the evil beagle and his army of fun moving strangers that nearly erased our town from the map just a couple months ago but the good news is that the meditation zone is entirely undamaged and it is ready for you to meditate in the tragedy would have been to lose such an important aspect of our community and also how frustrating it would have been given that large parts of our city government were facing huge budget shortfalls while more city money was heaped on the rebuilding of the zone all of that money for nothing but know the zone it still stands celebrate by coming on down to the Beatrix luminous Memorial meditation zone and talking yourself up into one of the state of the art of meditation machines that will have you home and harvest is in no time at all what a stress reliever the National Weather Service has released a statement saying that the thunderstorms that have been going continuously for the last several months to the west of May fail might not be thunderstorms but instead the movements of the terrible Court of the distant prints they explained that when warm moist air enters the low pressure system sometimes it does show around the barely understood and all powerful distant prints flanked by his harbinger years and served by the court shriek years the mangled servants and the hollow eyed weavers all of which can result in some lightning thunder and of course localized atrocities it's also possible that there are just some particularly persistent thunderstorms either way the weather service said it best to just avoid the area entirely because being struck by lightning or being skinned alive by the mangled servants are both real and deadly threats that should be avoided the year is nineteen seventy three Kennedy had not died and is finishing his third term and embargo in somewhere called the Middle East results in soaring gas prices but the competence America has for their president is high he saw us through many other crises including the Cuban missile Crisis in nineteen sixty two The Spitz Frenchie a standoff of nineteen sixty seven and the rise of the blood Space War in nineteen seventy one we wait in at gas stations but he comes by to each gas station thousands of gas stations at once multiplying himself as he has learned to do and smiling at us and we feel at ease broke but id as he continues as president through the turbulence of the seventies and into the eighties a bio pic is made of his life during the mid level movie star Ronald Reagan who will soon be washed up and entering his late life career of never eating commercials for frozen food and insurance the movie doesn't even mention Dallas nothing happened in Dallas except a short drive to lunch this is mostly what happens in Dallas Paul Simon releases his classic album Graceland it is about the time that President Kennedy visited Graceland in nineteen eighty two the album is a huge flop due to its limited subject matter and swirl motif of pained moans and lawnmower engine is Jackie Kennedy has not aged in fact she appears younger than before at night she walks among of DC serene and alone not even the Secret Service escort with her anyone who tries to approach finds themselves pushed back by a faint mist that smells of apple and spice and feels like thousands of needles witnesses claim her feet are not even touching the ground arms seem they use to it as though they were the only part of her body continuing if JFK had lifted listeners if he more soon first dates remember the phases of the MU new Crescent quarter give this gelatinous full very full swirling angry unsure of itself mad with power disappointed in the newest Marvel movie very very full feeling like an impostor jealous toward us on being extra nice to the sun to make up for the jealousy the sun is unaware of trying to sabotage the son's happiness but only succeeding in sabotaging its own happiness and finally New Again this is B and the Children's Fun fact science corner and now word from our sponsor sometimes you are on the precipice the moment where everything could topple maybe it is danger or hard choice or just change which is in our perception the biggest danger of all and sometimes we are on the smooth and flats where everything is stable and the precipice is just a tickle in the back of the back of our manly but deep down we know the truth we see it sometimes driving at night to a rainstorm or when the phone rings at the wrong hour or when the plane starts to shake there are no smooth flats it's all precipice always and sometimes we are facing the precipice and sometimes we are turned away but it is always there and we are always teetering and maybe the fall isn't even the worst part maybe when we fall there is at least the relief that we know where falling no more uncertainty the baby the worst part is the teetering teetering for years and years Delta Airlines it's not like your safe anywhere else the This has been no word from our sponsors the year is this year the day is today the time is now President Kennedy calls a press conference his salt and pepper hair is neatly combed his hands are steady he's been president for decades he opens the conference by issuing a warm birthday message to cinematic treasure Lee Marvin Mr. Marvin turns thirty today and is perhaps the nation's most beloved performer this pleasantries aside the president announced that we have a great national problem that must be addressed he then said Your name several times and shuttered for five silent minutes an aide showed some pictures of you well the president pointed at them saying Here we see the problem finally he said your name again visibly blanched and said Right bite Congress widely agreed with the president's message and several bills were introduced with the goal of solving the problem that is you Jackie Kennedy had no comment not only had she never felt grief it seemed to her that she had not felt anything at all since that day she had lunch in Dallas it was as though some are real human part of herself had experienced something so intense and sincere that all feelings diverge from this false version of herself beating her although it had been an okay lunch the president complained of headaches he was experiencing more and more as the years went on a continuation on our story too if hypothetically angels existed which legally of course I cannot say that they do but if they did it the Angels would have let me know that old woman Josie fell in her garden and broke her hip this week the hypothetical angels who are all named oh let's say Erica said that she is fine and in good spirits but will have to spend a few days in the hospital they are a little worried about that sense the hospital is a barely understood and terrible place where doctors lurk and nurses flit from patient to patient rumor has it that on the darkest night of the darkest month if you stand in just the right place you can see ghost ambulances carrying Ghost patients into the ghost ar which is the best and most up to date ghostly are in the region much better even than the ghostly are available over in Pine Cliff the town nearby that is entirely populated by ghosts Pine Cliff residents often come to our hospital for treatment rather than going to they're understaffed and underfunded ghost hospital it's just not write them straining our resources and taking away medical attention from our own local ghosts instead of fixing the ghosts problems in their own ghost city anyway here's wishing a quick recovery to my good friend old woman Joe C That sounds like a painful slip but hopefully the sheer desire to escape a place is baffling and terrifying as a hospital will help her push through her recovery as soon as possible back to if he had lived the year is twenty eight E coastal cities all over the world are succumbing to the water that had long sustain the basic elements of each city like streets and burger shacks slowly disappearing below the sea foam siege of the Great Night Vale temple rages on the Scion of the dark order makes is prophesied appearance at the exact correct prophesied time after several false starts where he had to write too early and had to leave again President Kennedy offers a steady hand to the nation even as his beloved Massachusetts is swallowed by the rising see the brokers a deal with the sino Soviet super state that provide safe passage for the masses of climate refugees and also those fleeing be shrouded armies of the dark order addresses the country with inspiring words that people will remember for decades afterwards the sea levels will not rise another inch instead the American people will rise to meet the sea levels everyone applauds the sea levels continue to rise millions are displaced Jackie Kennedy lies in the White House Rose Garden she lies there for years Moss grows on her face she's trying to remember what really happened she's trying to understand what that even means is that this all really happening now but it doesn't feel like it it feels like what was real was left behind ago and now with even the raindrops on her upturned face are a series of tiny lie it's speaking of race the finale of our alternate history in a moment but first the weather the The The The The the uh the the the we bring you now to the final installment of our if he had leaved alternate history story is the death of the universe everything that ever was has broken down to the most basic particles and dust particles have reached a perfect status of temperature there will never again be change without change there will never again be anything at all the universe has ended not by ceasing to exist but just by finding perfect balance and Armageddon of this and not fire President Kennedy never assassinated floats in the Nothing his hair is neatly combed and he projects an optimistic but fake expression that gives nothing away Jackie Kennedy floats near him she's never felt grief her smile is a forged copy of a painting of this my many layers removed from the emotion it is meant to convey what Shelby did today yes sir oh whatever you want to have nothing particular in mind she sets everything around them a stage this is the average color of the universe and the universe has been reduced to its average win seats she smiled feeling concerned but not knowing at all how to show it with her face the headaches again yes he sets just here I'm sure they will pounce yes he says yes The House of fish and that feels like a memory of a moment that never happened afternoon in Dallas billions of years ago a flash of red and into nothing deeper even than the nothing they float and now I don't know if this is right he says I don't know if this is what was supposed to happen everything happens as it was meant to she says even though she is unsure if she is in fact sure we're the opposite they float silently later nothing happens if he hadn't died if you lift lift on and lead on if it continued and continued and continued nothing changed if no one else ever got a chance if the country never moved on if he had lit maybe this is what would have happened or that's how I imagined it anyway thank you for joining us on this celebration of alternate history week we've heard some exciting ones like what if Germany World War Two what if the South had won the Civil War what if bath mats were never invented and what if somehow Germany had won the Civil War the night fail Historical Society has chosen as their winner an alternate history the Beatrix Low zone was never built it will be added to the curriculum of all history classes from here on out and the meditation zone will be destroyed so that reality can match the story we have decided to tell about it well it's a shame but that's just how history works sometimes you know stay tuned next for a hypothetical history that we are all making up together continuously just by living a good night Night Vale good night the Night Vale is a production of Night Vale presents that is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey trainer and produced by Joseph and the voice of night Dale Cecil Baldwin original music by discouraged and all of the can be found at dispersion dot info at desperation Band Camp dot com This episodes weather was the Statehouse by CAS the homes from his new album mangy load outs August twenty six find out more at CAS the Combs dot com comments questions email us at info at Welcome to Night Vale dot com or follow us on Twitter at night the radio check out Welcome to Night Vale dot com for more information on this show as goes all sorts of cool night Dale stuff you can own while you're there consider clicking the donate you can be a hero just for one day today's proverb writing rules one Write a lot to read a lot three If someone tells you not to use adverbs or some other Elmore Leonard things swiftly kick them E America has weird things and has so so much space to put the weirdness and here's what you missed this year on Alice isn't dead started in above the din wanna get tangled yet the he was in the manner line runway and the cruise control the cruise control more than I love most my family members sorry to all at an uncle's and cousins York are a people that create a new angle from holding the gasket with the angle just so nice that day cruise control is the host of heaven banishing it away the of season the available right now wherever you listen to podcasts at every ticketed see me again I guess that's what this always was I just wish that I could see me weekend just that whatever happens next is the