FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript

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Creating A More Romantic Marriage 

Day 7 of 8

Guest:                          Dennis Rainey

From the Series:        A Man's View of Romance

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Bob:                This is FamilyLife Today with our host, Dennis Rainey.  Today we're talking about romance, and I believe the band is ready.

(Music:  "It Had To Be You")

                        And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the broadcast today as we continue looking at romance and today looking at how a man views that subject.

Dennis:          And because of how he spells it, don't you think we ought to talk to the parents of some younger listeners who eavesdrop into FamilyLife Today occasionally, Bob?

Bob:                Yeah, it would probably be a good idea for some of our younger listeners not to listen in on the broadcast today, because the nature of some of this material will be sensitive, and that's because husbands have kind of a one-track mind when it comes to romance.

Dennis:          Yeah, we've been talking about how women view romance relationally, and we've hopefully done a good job on previous days of really equipping the men to know how to meet the relational needs of their wives so that their wives can have romance spelled on their hearts by men who really understand their language of love.

                        But as we move to men, men spell romance differently.  They spell it s-e-x, and a lot of Christian marriages really suffer because they drift, and they become bored, and I think one of the best illustrations of how a man feels was written in Dr. Ed Wheat's book, "Love Life," and it was from a man who really shared how he felt.  He writes, "My wife and I need help.  I feel that all of our troubles stem from one cause – my wife does not want to have intercourse with me, and I cannot accept this.  The situation has existed all of our 18 years of marriage.  We currently have relations about once a month.  This occurs normally after many days of my frustrating attempts to have her respond.  Then it is not a love affair, but a surrender or duty attitude on her part.  I love my wife.  She's an outstanding wife, mother, and friend, except that she does not physically love me.  I'm afraid to face up to the fact that maybe my wife just doesn't love me and can't respond to me.  I have asked myself many times, 'What are you still married for?'  I have no answer.  I do not know what to do."

                        That man is feeling rejection at the core of his manhood.  Now, on behalf of that wife, there may be causes for her that are inhibiting her own sex drive toward her husband that she needs to deal with.  But for that man, can you sense the rejection that he's feeling?  He's questioning the whole act of marriage, and that really points out the importance of this subject.  Romance is not an option for Christian marriage.  Romance ought to be a part of every Christian marriage.  Now, that doesn't mean there's not going to be times in a marriage relationship when you go through a valley or a drought, and there simply isn't a lot of time or a lot of feelings left over to experience romance, but I'm going to tell you something – that ought not to be the steady diet of a marriage relationship.  I believe God intended us to experience romantic love all of our married days.

Bob:                Well, 1 Corinthians 7 speaks directly to that issue, doesn't it?

Dennis:          Yeah, verse 2 says, "But because of immoralities, let each man have his own wife and let each woman have her own husband."

Bob:                Now, what does that mean, "because of immoralities?"

Dennis:          Well, I think Paul recognized the temptation that is in the marketplace, and realizing how, especially, men are wired, as well as women, by the way – they can be tempted even through relationships toward sexual immorality.  Paul was a realist.  He said because of the evil that lurks in the marketplace, you need to make your marriage bed a priority.  

                        Then there is a fascinating verse – in verse 5 it says, "Stop depriving one another."  That's a command – don't deprive one another sexual relations except by agreement.  Paul was realizing the need for us, as couples, to make our marriage bed a priority and specifically on this broadcast today I want to speak honestly and straightforwardly to the wives about helping them understand their husband's sex drive and his need for romantic love that only you, as his wife, can communicate.

Bob:                I should interrupt you here just for a minute and let our listeners know, if they're tuning in for the first day, we've been talking about the subject of romance for several days.  We've talked about the foxes that interrupt romance in the marriage relationship.  You've talked to men about how they can be lovers of their wives and really treat them with dignity and respect and cherish them and romance them.  And then you spent a full day talking with men about what you're going to talk with their wives about on today's broadcast, and I think it's important for our listeners to realize that some of the hard things that you're going to say on today's broadcast fit into that context.

Dennis:          Yeah, and I'm going to start right out with a hard thing to hear, and so, wives, please, I wish I could go back and give you the context of previous broadcasts, but I'm just talkin' to you straight, because I think today we really need to give you the benefit of hearing from a man how it really is.  And the first thing I want to say is you, as a wife, need to assume responsibility for your husband's sexual needs.  

                        You know, it was interesting, Bob, as I did a lot of hours of research and thinking and reading in preparation for this series, I reflected back that there are a number of books, there are a number of counselors that are telling the men how to romance their wives, and, really, there's a drought of writing about this subject of male sexuality helping women, helping wives, understand their responsibility to meet this area of physical need in their husbands lives.  And the interesting thing is, as I began to read, I began to feel like, more and more, the weight of romance fell squarely, nearly 100 percent, on the man's shoulders.  Now, do I think he primarily is responsible for this?  Yes.  But does that primary responsibility of the man absolve the woman of all responsibility?  Huh-huh.  I believe she has responsibility as well.

                        Over in 1 Corinthians, chapter 7, verse 32 through 34, the command there is for husbands to please their wives and for wives to please their husbands, and if it was just the man's responsibility to please his wife, then the command of 1 Corinthians, chapter 7, would have stopped before verse 34 where it addresses the wife.

Bob:                Okay, well, if the man is still to take primary responsibility over a couple's romantic relationship, then in what sense does a woman have a responsibility to be romantically involved with her husband?  What's her role in all of this?

Dennis:          Well, I think she needs to be a part of creatively praying and thinking and actively pursuing her husband on his agenda, and we've stated that repeatedly over this series.  His agenda, for most men, is spelled s-e-x.  It's on the physical side of the love relationship.  Now, that doesn't mean she has to be preoccupied with sex all day long.  That's not going to be a part of her wiring and who she is.  It just means that she must make her husband a priority in this area of their marriage relationship.  

                        And let me just say to the ladies at this point – I don't want you to think, as we continue to move through these points, because over the next couple of days, these are going to get a little grittier and a little, perhaps, tougher to hear from a woman's perspective, but what I'm going to promise you is this will not be a superficial approach to a subject that, from a Christian perspective, I believe firmly must be dealt with from a biblical standpoint.  

                        The second point I want to make to ladies is that most men – now listen carefully – most men don't understand their own sex drive, and what is compelling them to pursue their wives physically.  Now, did you hear that?  Most men don't understand themselves sexually.  So you're wondering – how am I going to be able to understand him when he doesn't understand himself?

                        You know, it's really interesting, as you listen to men talk, there are all kinds of sexual innuendoes in their jokes – and I'm not saying, by the way, that they're appropriate – but there's all kinds of statements made that just hint that they are horribly insecure about this subject.  And what a man needs is he needs the commitment, the strong commitment, the resilient love of a woman who says, "Sweetheart, I am yours, and I am proud to be yours.  You know what?  You can be real, and you can be frail, and you can be weak, and I will still respect you, and I will still love you."  But the problem is, is most men have a difficult time really hearing that message, because of the threat of this area of their own manhood.

Bob: