Discovertcr! diaries - podcastA bunch of bills and checks to write
A bunch of bills and checks to write

A bunch of bills and checks to write

Update: 2020-09-08
Share

Description



content: Feb 3, 2019 · podcast: Sep 8, 2020





Audio (MP3): 20190203 - A bunch of bills and checks to write





Video (MP4): 20190203 - A bunch of bills and checks to write




When I was newly sober, having a list of amends to make was like having a big pile of bills to pay. And I hate that feeling: a stack of checks to write and a list of people and places I owe. It’s just always on my mind, lingering in the back row like somebody murmuring behind you at the movies. When I stopped drinking my conscious woke up and I start hearing the voices of remorse.



And then there was that one time when I was in high school that I stole a whole bunch of books from the public library. It was way back when shoplifting was easy. Go in with a nearly empty backpack, load it up with Hobbit adventures, and walk out. Just be careful and it was really that easy. I didn’t feel any guilt at the time because for whatever reason in my head, the world owed me.





And then some time later when writing my 8th Step list my sponsor and I came up with a dollar amount that I owed them based on how many books I stole. That particular public library was in a different state so I wrote them a check and stuffed it in an envelope along with a letter saying, “I stole some books from you guys several years ago and here’s a check that I hope is compensation.”


Or something like that. It was short and sweet because the best amends are. If I get wordy I tend to want to justify, and my goal was to “pay the money back.”


In the days after mailing the letter I was kind of nervous because I didn’t know if I'd have charges pressed against me or I’d go to jail or whatever. When I put myself out into the unknown I never know what’s going to happen. My mind goes to all kinds of silly places and because I’m me, I assumed jail was in my future for most of my amends.


But I never heard back from the library folk. They just cashed the check a couple of weeks later. And I got on with my life. Another bill off the list and another mess cleaned up.



And that’s how I made all of my amends. As I could, when I was able. Wrote the checks. Paid the debts. One by one.



There’s no pillow as soft as a clear conscience.



When I go to sleep now, if anything, I can always be grateful for not having amends to make that I know of. I’ve settled my books as best I can. And it feels good being able to walk into that library now with a clear conscience. That I have nothing to feel bad about. That I’m putting my best self out there instead of being a selfish jerk, helping myself to whatever I want.



When I was drinking I hurt a lot of people and did a lot of bad things. If you’re alcoholic or know one, you know how it goes. I wasn’t unique in the things I did, just par for the alcoholic course.


And it’s no wonder I drank the way that I did based on all the wrongdoings I had done. All the garbage I had piled on top of my soul. I hated looking at myself in the mirror when I was brushing my teeth. Couldn’t stand looking at the face staring back at me. That caused all that pain. Standing in front of the sink was my least favorite place to be.



After making my amends I was finally set free from that burden, finally set free from my past. Fully able to live in the present.



I don’t know if you’ve ever been to jail but being released, walking out the door, feeling the fresh air all around, knowing last night is behind you… Well, that’s what making amends is like. It’s a fresh start and a new day ahead. No police, no handcuffs, no fear, and no looking back. Sentence served and restitutions made.



And now when I look in the mirror I generally only see these long eyebrows that I should pluck.



Card catalog featuring Finland to Fossil



#alcoholism #twelvesteps #diariespodcast #diariesvideo






threecrates
threecrates
· Sep 9, 2020 at 10:35 pm







Never have I felt that it sounds as if you were giving a speech. I’ve always been captivated by your words, whether it be written or spoken. I’m also totally digging the new format/video edits in addition to the DIY audio tracks. And as always it’s wonderfully relatable in regards to recovery. 🎶❤️





<script type="text/javascript">$m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;</script>



tcr!
tcr!
· Sep 11, 2020 at 8:07 am







Thanks man! What you said means a lot and I appreciate it! In another life all I did was record music in my free time and I love splicing audio into spoken word pieces. Then I don’t have to follow the verse, chorus, solo formula. We should definitely record some conversations and/or musics at some point!





<script type="text/javascript">$m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;</script>



threecrates
threecrates
· Sep 11, 2020 at 10:54 am







I would like that very much!





<script type="text/javascript">$m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;</script>



sveagrabarek

· Sep 10, 2020 at 12:43 pm







September, the 9th month!





<script type="text/javascript">$m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;</script>



tcr!
tcr!
· Sep 11, 2020 at 8:09 am







It was no accident, the cosmos knows what it’s doing 😉





<script type="text/javascript">$m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;</script>



tcr!
tcr!
· Sep 11, 2020 at 8:09 am







Okay, I don’t know what that means exactly.





<script type="text/javascript">$m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;</script>



sveagrabarek

· Sep 11, 2020 at 4:14 pm







Bills and checks and amends. 9th step, 9th month





<script type="text/javascript">$m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;</script>



DP

· Sep 10, 2020 at 7:27 pm







“There’s no pillow as soft as a clear conscious.” Brilliant





<script type="text/javascript">$m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;</script>



tcr!
tcr!
· Sep 10, 2020 at 8:54 pm







I wish that was my quote, but it’s still really good none the less 😊





<script type="text/javascript">$m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;</script>



Momma J
Momma J
· Sep 10, 2020 at 7:35 pm







I like the Spontaneity. The ah’s don’t bother me. Useful/ Helpful content. I’d much rather see you then listen to the Podcast.





<script type="text/javascript">$m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;</script>



tcr!
tcr!
· Sep 10, 2020 at 8:58 pm







I think the ah’s only bother me when I listen to what I’ve recorded 😄





<script type="text/javascript">$m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;</script>



Momma J
Momma J
· Sep 10, 2020 at 10:54 pm







You are too hard on yourself!





<script type="text/javascript">$m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;</script>



tcr!
tcr!
· Sep 11, 2020 at 8:17 am







I just have high goals for myself but I’m okay with not people perfect 😊





<script type="text/javascript">$m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;</script>



battersons

· Sep 10, 2020 at 8:44 pm







Beautifully written!





<script type="text/javascript">$m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;</script>



tcr!
tcr!
· Sep 10, 2020 at 8:58 pm







Thank you!!





<script type="text/javascript">$m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;</script>



jimi hindrance experience
jimi hindrance experience
· Sep 12, 2020 at 8:44 am







I’d rather see a sermon than hear one any day I’d rather one would walk with me than merely tell the way …is what someone said in a meeting to me. I later found that they were quoting Bruce Carroll. I don’t know anything about Mr. Carroll other than that’s what google said about the lines.





<script type="text/javascript">$m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;</script>



Momma J
Momma J
· Sep 12, 2020 at 1:39 pm







Perfectly said!





<script type="text/javascript">$m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;</script>



tcr!
tcr!
· Sep 13, 2020 at 8:13 am







That’s a good thing to carry in one’s pocket





<script type="text/javascript">$m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;</script>












Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊




Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖




tcrbang.com
· Instagram
· Facebook
· YouTube


  View original  


Comments 
Download from Google Play
Download from App Store
00:00
00:00
x

0.5x

0.8x

1.0x

1.25x

1.5x

2.0x

3.0x

Sleep Timer

Off

End of Episode

5 Minutes

10 Minutes

15 Minutes

30 Minutes

45 Minutes

60 Minutes

120 Minutes

A bunch of bills and checks to write

A bunch of bills and checks to write

tcr!