This episode is free this week to welcome our new readers/listeners :)

Welcome back to our No Bad Parts Read-A-Long. I’m so glad to have you here, and I know we’ve got quite a few new people this week. For those who are new, this is our little club where we come together to explore different books and healing modalities. We’ve previously gone through The Practical Guide to Healing Developmental Trauma, which explores NARM, the NeuroAffective Relational Model. Right now, we’re diving into No Bad Parts by Dr. Richard Schwartz, which focuses on Internal Family Systems (IFS).

Each week, we meet here to discuss a chapter, and I provide some interpretation to help you along. Whether you’ve read the book or not, it’s all good - you’re welcome to join, ask questions, or simply listen in and learn. As we wrap up No Bad Parts, I’m excited to share that our final live meeting will be on Saturday, February 22nd, at 11 a.m. Eastern Time. I’m hoping this time will allow some of our friends from Europe and other parts of the world to join us. If you can’t attend live, don’t worry, the meeting will be recorded, and you’re welcome to submit questions in advance.

Looking ahead, I’d love your input on what we explore next. One option is Unlocking the Emotional Brain by Bruce Ecker, which delves into Coherence Therapy. It’s a bit dense, but if there’s enough interest, we could study it together. If there isn’t another book we want to dive into, I’ve been considering doing some longer-form research or deeper video work. We could explore how to really get underneath some of these patterns in more practical ways - like a little trauma school, if you will. I’d love to hear what would feel supportive or connecting for you. This space is meant to be a connected community, and I thank every one of you for being here and exploring this work together.

As we start Chapter Eight, we’re diving into vision and purpose. From the Internal Family Systems model - or really any healing model -we know that as we gain more access to Self, we also gain more access to curiosity, compassion, and clarity. This leads us to connect more deeply to our values, vision, and purpose.

For those who saw my recent post on values through a survival strategy lens, you know how valuable it can be to start teasing apart what we truly value versus what protective parts or child-consciousness parts make us think we want. Protective parts, burdened by survival patterns, often hold the weight of trying to keep us and our exiles safe from terror, shame, or grief. This means that while we might feel we value certain things, we’re often stuck in patterns driven by survival rather than authentic desire.

For example, someone might say they value caring for others. As a therapist, of course, I see the importance of caring for others. But if that value stems from a protector part, it’s not about genuine care - it’s about avoiding one’s own needs, boundaries, or wants because they feel too unsafe. When protective parts are driving us, we may shut down, freeze, fawn, or dissociate to maintain a sense of safety.

This can lead to over-performing - taking care of everyone else’s needs at the expense of our own - to avoid the feeling of being “voted off the island.” It can be confusing, though, because those values may feel deeply important. And they might be! But if they’re driven by protective parts rather than Self, they’re rooted in fear, not authenticity.

As we begin to unburden our protective parts and exiles, these patterns relax. We then gain access to our authentic, altruistic selves, the parts of us that genuinely enjoy giving, creating, or helping without overriding our own needs. This creates a spaciousness within us, allowing for softer, more connected, and more loving parts of ourselves to emerge.

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This week, we’re exploring Chapter Eight, which focuses on vision and purpose. In the IFS model, as we gain more access to Self, we naturally begin to uncover what we truly value and want for ourselves. This process often involves distinguishing between our authentic desires and those shaped by protective parts or survival strategies. For example, you might believe you value taking care of others, but upon reflection, you may find this stems from a protector part that fears setting boundaries or expressing your own needs.

Protective parts carry burdens, often rooted in past trauma, and work tirelessly to keep us safe. These parts may push us toward hyper-performing, dissociating, or intellectualizing as a means of survival. But as we unburden these parts and invite them into connection with Self, they can begin to relax. This creates spaciousness, allowing us to access the softer, more loving, and more creative parts of ourselves.

When we live a Self-led life, we get to shed layers of armor that we’ve been carrying. This doesn’t mean our personality changes - it means we become lighter and more authentic. With this newfound clarity, we start to notice values and desires that were previously hidden beneath survival strategies. Instead of forcing outcomes, we can approach our lives with curiosity, allowing our vision to emerge naturally.

However, this journey is not without challenges. As we connect with a Self-led vision, it’s common to experience backlash from our internal protector parts. These parts might voice doubts like, “Who do you think you are to pursue this?” or “You’ll never succeed.” This backlash is a natural response from parts that are trying to keep us safe. Instead of silencing these voices, we can acknowledge them, offer reassurance, and invite them to trust us.

Over time, with gentle curiosity and observation, we can rewire these old patterns. This process takes time and patience, but it leads to profound shifts. As we integrate our thoughts, emotions, and body sensations, we move closer to a state of alignment and flow. In this state, we’re not striving or controlling but rather moving with the rhythm of life, like a river.

Dr. Schwartz highlights the importance of integrating all parts of ourselves, likening it to a fruit salad rather than a smoothie. Each part retains its individuality while contributing to the whole. This perspective aligns beautifully with other modalities like NARM, which emphasizes making decisions from an adult consciousness while holding the complexities of life with compassion and curiosity.

As you continue your journey toward a Self-led life, notice what arises for you. Are there parts or patterns that feel particularly sticky? Are there values or desires that are beginning to emerge? This is an opportunity to explore these questions with curiosity and without judgment.

If you’ve listened to me for any period of time, you know we can’t start with an outcome. We can’t force our way toward what we want because if we do, we’re just overriding all those protector parts and exiles that have already been overridden in the past. Many of us have lived this way - over-functioning, overperforming, pushing our needs aside, and striving to be perfect. We’ve intellectualized, avoided emotions, and hidden our humanity.

As we become more Self-led, we realize we don’t need to pressure ourselves to get what we want. In fact, it’s when we slow down, get curious, and stop pushing that things start to become clear. When we’re in Self, there’s a sense of clarity, connection, and alignment. You may have heard of a flow state - that feeling when time seems to pass effortlessly, like when you’re reading a good book and look up to find an hour has gone by. That’s the type of experience we can access more and more when we live from Self.

We don’t need to strive toward what we want. Instead, we can move with the flow of life, like a river, and things come with more ease. This integration allows us to experience our thoughts, emotions, and body sensations without one dominating the others. It’s exciting to feel individuality alongside wholeness. For example, you might still have a rational, intellectual part of you, but instead of that part trying to control everything, it can simply enjoy pursuits like reading or learning, which feel good and fulfilling.

Dr. Richard Schwartz references Dan Siegel, a neurobiologist and neuropsychiatrist, who talks about parts coming together in the Self like a fruit salad, not a smoothie. We’re not trying to blend away our uniqueness or cut off any part of ourselves. Instead, I think of it like a board meeting - each part has a seat at the table, but Self is the CEO who listens and makes decisions.

It’s also important to acknowledge that not everyone experiences their internal world in the same way. Yes, we’re reading about parts and talking about the idea of a fruit salad versus a smoothie, but how you interpret and experience this work will be unique to you. Personally, I don’t always think of my internal world in terms of specific parts. After doing a lot of work, I tend to approach it from the perspective of adult consciousness, as described in NARM. This allows me to hold the complexities of life - what’s hard, scary, or angering - alongside what’s good, true, and loving.

If I notice a contraction or discomfort, I observe it and recognize it as a child-consciousness pattern or an old predictive pathway getting activated. That’s what works for me after years of practice. For you, it might look different. You might always find value in naming and communicating with specific parts, and that’s okay. The beauty of this work is that you get to choose what resonates with you and leave the rest.

The process of moving toward