As we approach the peak summertime Bob-B-Que months (zing), we'd like to share Bob the Drag Queen's 8 tips for a successful chicken wing soiree, which will ensure that your fowl party is anything but foul:

1) Send your dinner party invitations by Pony Express or personal messenger at least 10 days in advance. Include a cooked goose or snuff box for extra enticement.

2) Select an appropriate color scheme and harmonize everything on the table within that palette. If an invited guest passes from consumption before the engagement, consider black, brown, or dark grey as a sign of respect for the deceased.

3) Never, and we do mean NEVER, starch your napkins. You will be swiftly rejected from polite society and burn in hell for eternity if you do.

4) Ideal floral centerpieces include roses, lilies, carnations, ferns and smilax. If you are planning a post-dinner orgy, consider using roses in your bouquet and scatter a few extra petals artistically around the table and on the floor, instructing guests where they can begin their erotic adventures after the dessert and cognac course.

5) Hang satin ribbons, bows, and smilax from your chandelier for a striking visual effect of fresh, dainty beauty. During the holidays, you can also hang mistletoe to encourage pre-orgy kissing and heavy-petting.

6) Use colorful gas or whale-oil lamps, as well as transparent globes to produce a dreamscape of hues in the dining room and beyond. If several of your guests border on the rubenesque, remember that whale-oil lamps are a particularly forgiving source of light for those guests who have eaten one-too-many cherry jubilees over the years.

7) It is recommended to have at least one servant available to attend to the needs of every six guests. During the orgy, this ratio should increase to one servant for every three guests.

8) Last, but not least, it is extremely important that all guests are examined by a licensed physician for syphilis, gonorrhea, or symptoms of the plague prior to the orgy.

If you follow these 8 simple rules, we can assure you that come morning, you'll be the undisputed toast of high society!

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