Bonus Episode 1 - Minutes
A reading of the minutes from the Night Vale Community College Faculty Meeting.
This episode was co-written with Ashley Lierman
Weather: 'Home' by Theo Adler (soundcloud.com/theoadler)
Music: Disparition, disparition.info
Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com.
Following script is auto-generated by Speech to Text Technology:
minutes from the community college faculty meeting by Ashley Lieberman the following are the minutes from the Night Vale Community College faculty meeting to meeting facilitator was Doctor V doors abo meeting Secretary was Joshua one eight to one call to order doctors although cold to order the regular meeting of the faculty of Night Vale Community College at three o'clock p m on November first item to roll call Mr. White conducted a roll call the following were present Doctor Sarah Sultan president of the college Joshua White executive assistant to the president Doctor Robert Fernandez vice president of finance administration and forbidden numbers Doctor Stephen Mills provost vice president of academic affairs and unnamed cream cabinet that shakes and whistles Vice President of Student Affairs Doctor Henrietta Bell Dean of Arts and Sciences Doctor Sean drum Abbas on dean of allied Health and Nursing Doctor Michael Gill Eddie Dean of Science Technology Technology with a finger quotes and mathematics Doctor V doors although associate professor of humanities Doctor Alley the radio associate professor of in humanities Doctor Rahim ow and easy Associate Professor of Political Science Doctor James Crawford rough well associate professor of alternate history Doctor A Lynn Stein associate professor of false biology Doctor Tamara hurts well associate professor of approved Sciences Doctor Joon Richter Associate Professor of Nursing Doctor Mo Hebrew Carr assistant professor of secret English professor Jamie s condo whose job title is classified but who also carries a bag of magic tea so it's possible he's simply granting his own wishes and does not actually work here Doctor Chelsea to Pinsky assistant professor of chemistry Doctor Steven Rosenberg an assistant professor of business and accounting professor Mary Ann was Dec assistant professor of computer and fire sciences professor Julie Levine adjunct Professor of Future French professor in Carney to PL adjunct professor of weird Spanish Mr Terrence Long head of library prevention and security item three approval of minutes from last meeting attendees were advised to insert earplugs Mr. White then read the minutes from the September meeting Professor Levine collapsed in a stiff heap with a severe bleeding at the eyes and mouth due to improperly formed plug seal in her left ear canal she was removed for medical treatment the minutes were approved as read item for President's remarks President Sultan greeted and thanked attendees and congratulated all faculty on the successful fall semester she described recent fundraising efforts for upcoming development projects the most notable gift has been a generous but ultimately detrimental donation of thousands of rabbits from proud alumni of this is Sylvia weaker Shan who has been replaced by a lizard and which blizzard is now in police custody President Sultan stopped mid sentence and was silent for several seconds as the president is a smooth faced sized river rock faculty were initially confused as to why she was quiet it turned out President Sultan was staring at a fixed point in mid air she suddenly began asking us to the east that faint wind would anyone do that in a small child like voice faculty began to shift and turn in their seats but saw nothing this continued until it was decided that the president had nothing further to offer and doctors are both picked up the president and placed her back in her to re read item five announcements issues and questions a update on freshman seminar Doctor Laredo who took over the freshman seminar two years ago because of Doctor Joel Eisenberg the extended medical The you've described a number of provisions to the program which she hopes to implement with the faculty support including a standardized grading for bricks working carefully with the library to develop some non violent literacy programs possibly re assessing the requirement of Clayton asks for all freshman and increasing focus on real world career skills like running hiding and covering their faces with their hands moaning alone oh quietly be the unending whole play on the second floor of the Earth Sciences Building Doctor Hernandez provided an update on facilities progress with the understanding the whole way situation apparently the hallway is now fully finite in breath and while it still appears to be infinite in length the fact that it no longer swallows like itself indicates that this is merely due to the limits of human perception and the whole wheat is now all possess an end somewhere however according to the director of facilities services all available measuring equipment is still inadequate to chart the length of the whole way and the readings that have been made to indicate that it would take at least six human lifetimes to Traverse the fall leg of the whole way so ultimately the distinction is negligible administrators and faculty are still advised not to schedule classes on the second floor of Earth Sciences until the situation is resolved unless class size exceeds the available facilities and students have been cautioned to bring enough food and water to last them the rest of their lives see standards revision for honors courses Doctor Hertz well announced that as of registration for the spring semester while the minimum grade point average of three point O and S A T score of eleven hundred have not been changed students are now required to be fully human to enroll in honors courses Doctor Hertz well applauded this progressive change but lamented that it took so long to make it happen a faculty advisors of students who are our three pods malevolent spirits or tangible dream people should recommend application to these advanced courses the repeated fires in the Computer Science Laboratory professor was Dec reported that public safety officers have completed their preliminary investigation of the repeated an unexplained fires in the main computer lab the officers suspect that calls to be arson but as Professor was Dick pointed out they are a liars filthy disgusting pass to Lynch will look liars who should be embarrassed to tell those kinds of lies where people can hear their crazy nonsense at the very least they should all be fired meaning set on fire but also me being terminated meaning and brought to their lives but also meaning fired from their jobs at the very least she added she then set a rug on fire with her thoughts item six welcome for Doctor Blue Car Doctors abo asked the assembled to welcome Doctor Bo he mi Booker who joined the faculty as an assistant professor of secret English at the beginning of the spring semester Doctor Berger sweating profusely with a fixed grin that showed far too many of her team greeted the faculty and briefly introduced herself and her interests in a shaky indistinct voice that gradually climbed in pitch toward a Sri Dr Boo occurs doctoral dissertation compared Shakespeare's and produced an unpublished play Merck Forest with elements of Chaucer Zune Britain childhood daydreams and she enjoys ballroom dance and owns two Siberian Husky zz she is teaching two sections of survey of secret British literature featuring Emily Bronte his epic novel that no one has ever heard of the flippin sea of clouds item seven new course proposals for fall twenty fifty one humanities three seven five Eagles philosophy in context talked by doctors abo to Computer Science one eight zero for Tran programming and flame resistance taught by Professor Chua stack three bio three five one human cloning and Hugh and you talk by Doctor Stone for Tech to two zero blood stone installation and repair taught by Professor means five History three one one history of postwar Germany taught by Doctor Brown six Alternative History three one one history of underwater Germany taught by Doctor Crawford rough well seven Music two o eight murder ballad it's taught by Professor Norman eight and assigned course oh god oh god why your God and having no taught by Professor S condo and some pliers nine psych one five zero p o d psychology taught by a wolf with the six faces ten business to one five laughing at nonprofit organizations taught by Doctor Rosenberg eleven econ two one three hatred is taught by Doctor Laredo item eight presentation titled Update from the assessment committee presenter James Crawford rough well summary Doctor Crawford rough well detailed the resolutions made at the most recent meeting of the assessment committee he reminded faculty that all instructors of general education courses must at the end of the semester submit a summary of work one sample assignment and detailed blood type information for each student including a full flavor profile he distributed to the faculty the revised through bricks for critical thinking pain endurance global awareness and seeing the unseen and unholy discussion Doctor Stein asked whether human test subjects could be submitted as a sample assignment further debate ensued with some arguing that human subjects constitute laboratory equipment and others pointing out the in practicality of being unable to submit them electronically Doctor Crawford Roth well promise that the committee would discuss the issue in their next meeting the green cabinet that shakes and whistles having consumed ahead of schedule the Full crate of live Guinea pigs provided for it to eat during the meeting emitted a bass hum and then opened to loose eight and roll up your pulsating hate filled darkness which encircled and then devoured Doctor Richter dragging her back into its unknowable depths on the hollow boom of its closing doors the meeting was suspended for the assembled to flee for their lives and re convened in furtive whispers in an unlit basement room the Doctor Bell recommended that the conclusions and outcomes component of critical thinking be changed to and in priority order rather than in order of priority the motion was debated and passed with nineteen for two against two abstaining three absent and or presumed dead action items form search committees for replacement full time professor of nursing person responsible Sean draw Mombasa item ten five minute break faculty and staff took a short break between presentations to assess the condition of the wounded some use the time to smoke a final cigarette ball crying others gathered around the coffee maker to casually discuss the weather the uh the the other day the the uh the the the the Round Round We Go The The The The The Hat I hear the the the the calf this the main the uh the item eleven presentation titled First Look at rebranding efforts presenter Pamela Kings with summary these kings were hastily set up a computer and attached projector which were retrieved from the original meeting room at no small risk to life and sanity she unveiled concepts for a new logo and slogans developed in meetings with a marketing firm the logo is a black and white but shockingly graphic would cut of an ethnically diverse group of students devouring the Inn trails of a wild boar behind them is a map of the world with dozens of countries axed out slogan One reads There's no excuse for not getting a quality education you should feel ashamed and so should your ancestors slogan to Reid's find yourself here with no memory of the previous week slogan three reads had a mean hydro chloride to if the slogans are proved by the faculty the college community will vote on them but the next open campus meeting to be held on Monday February twenty third discussion Doctor Long began vomiting and shuddering uncontrollably near the end of these kings were its presentation although this was found to be unrelated doctors abo remarked on the exceptional artistry of the logo and insisted on taking a picture with his mobile phone on behalf of Professor Gail and the art department who was unable to attend today's meeting the phone produced a small cloud of foul smelling crystals from its camera lens and then imploded Doctor Bell questioned whether the reference to ancestors in slogan One has culturally insensitive these kings with assured the faculty that the advertising firm understood the importance of diversity to the college community and the include City of the slogans as well as their market impact had been thoroughly researched doctors Crawford Roth well and sabo debated the issue a new conclusion was reached although Ms Kim's Werth agreed to raise the issue with the firm as the process continued Doctor Bell asked Ms Kings worth for the name of the advertising firm the College's consulting his King's worth was silent for seven full minutes and then proceeded to giggle for the remainder of the meeting doctors abo distributed ballots for approval or disapproval of the slogans additional copies will be mailed to each department to be filled out by faculty members who were unable to attend today's meeting no one will actually mail them it will just happen quietly while no one is looking to the ballot should be completed and returned to the Office of College Relations where they will be discarded on red action items complete and return slogan approval ballot person responsible all faculty item twelve presentation titled Blood presenter line summary love the discussion the distant screech is perhaps a crowed of some kind of auction items cost benefit analysis person responsible item thirteen presentation titled Tax Information Online presenter Robert Hernandez summary Doctor Hernandez announced that tax information and forms for college employees for this year's tax season will be available online through the employee self service area of the college website he demonstrated via projector the location of the forms by navigating the website from the college homepage employees should go to the faculty and staff portal then to the employee Self Service link under the Human Resources header then scroll down the page to the section marked the roll and click on the link reading tax forms users will be shown a picture of the face it will be a familiar face but not one day will be able to comprehend or remember they must maintain a silent eye contact with the state's Do Not Play Do not speak receive but slowly and without purpose after several seconds perhaps minutes the face was contorted into a terrifying grimace as a kickoff in this screen fills the room echoing down the holes freezing un terror then you can download the appropriate form discussion Doctor Allen easy asked whether the forms would still be distributed in paper form Doctor Hernandez confirmed that they would and the online and paper forms would be identical Mr. Long mentioned that he thought computers might be legal but even if they're not they require licenses he asked if anyone had up to date computer licenses for the college everyone else urgently shush him their eyes dashing left and right fingers to their tight lips Doctor Mills asked if any help was available for faculty and staff members who had forgotten their log in information or the employee self service area Doctor Hernandez advised him to direct his query to the Help desk or to click on the link below to login form and answer the security question you get one attempt Doctor Hernandez said one he said again one you get one attempt he repeated this for several minutes the register of his voice growing lower and lower action items dairy and owl feather six human finger bones and a meal or in a shallow hole at the base of the largest rock in the mountains beneath the light of a quarter full moon tell no one not even your family the same night place a stone under your tongue and one day we've been around your mouth until you can make them sound sleep you will dream of a toll well read man holding the rope he will not speak to you but he will point toward a doorway you cannot recognize it will be very very dark and the feet cool breeze will blow for smelling faintly of copper and water person responsible Robert Hernandez its eye to fourteen adjournment the faculty met our eyes place hands upon arms upon shoulders doctors although weeping adjourned the meeting at an unknown time as time is subjective and confusing and the flickering candlelight their synchronous breaths for a breezy metronome marking the only time any of them could possibly understand the light went out and in the dark yes there was a comforting silence followed by even more discomfort eating scratching sound minutes submitted by Josh White minutes approved by the survivors presumably welcome tonight fails the production of commonplace today zoning story was written by Ashley where men with Josephine and Jeffrey Kramer The Voice Of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin original music by desperation all they can be found at desperation dot info registration got band camp dot com This episodes weather was home by Theo Adler find out more at Sound Cloud dot com slash Theo at for comments questions email us at Night Vale commonplace books dot com or follow us on Twitter at night Del Rio check out commonplace books dot com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool night Bill stuff you can own while you're there consider clicking the donate link that because today's proverb If you're worried your writing isn't good just remember the earth is warming and soon good and bad rating alike will all be under water