Childless not by Choice 'For Sale, Baby Shoes, Never Worn'
Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to childless not by choice women and men around the world. Civilla Morgan here. I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we did not have the children we so wanted. I would also like to thank everyone who recognizes that we are not all living the same type of life.
Welcome to episode 108
- Questions or comments? Contact me at:
Visit the website at www.childlessnotbychoice.net, look to the left on the home screen and click on the link below the telephone to leave me an up to 90-second voicemail.
Let’s jump right in!
‘For sale: baby shoes, never worn.’--Ernest Hemingway.
Some say this was a short story Ernest Hemingway was asked to write. Some say this story pre-dates him. To me, regardless of the origin, it sounds like a story prompt. You know the prompts your English or history teacher probably gave you, and then you had to come up with the rest of the story.
What is the rest of the story, your story? Why not use this story prompt to write your story. Write the story you would like to see play out for the rest of your life, not the life you wish you had. Your life. Be realistic, be positive, be truthful, be kind.
If you feel like sharing, send your letter in and I will read it on a future episode.
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In this episode, I want to talk about depression for a moment.
According to Google, the definition of depression is 1.) ‘feelings of severe despondency and dejection.’
We’ve all been there. I remember feeling the most depressed during my 30’s. Probably because that was when everyone I knew was getting married and having kids. I kept asking God what was wrong with me. What was it about me that other people seemed to see that I did not? I questioned everything about myself. How tiresome that was!
If you are going through the same thing now, I totally get it but try turning the conversation around in your head.
Start telling yourself good things. It may seem forced at first but keep at it. There are some great affirmations on the Home page of the website, www.childlessnotbychoice.net. Check them out.
You see, if you don’t like you, no one else will. And if you don’t speak positive things to yourself, all of the negativity from the negative people around you will seep through with no filter. Be your own filter. Create healthy boundaries. Smile as you protect yourself from the ugliness of the world. You are here. Make the best of it.
Because the alternative, I’ve been there. It is not something many of us want to admit. It has taken me 108 episodes to finally admit to depression. It’s not an easy thing to talk about even to a trusted friend. I have been depressed over my childlessness. Depressed over the fact that my life did not turn out as expected--having a family, like normal people. I have wondered why I am on this planet. I mean really, what’s the point? What do I do now?
What do I do with that innate need that 99.99% of women and men have, to want children? We see children as a way to carry our essence into the future. I wanted to pour all of my knowledge into a little vessel that had my features. I wanted to teach that little person how to get along with everyone, how to use a knife and fork, how to make it in the big city or in the wide open country. I did not get to do that. Now my branch of the family tree has come to an abrupt end. How depressing is that?
Well, here are five things you can do to look that tree branch in the face and overcome the depression that can come with an abrupt ending you did not see coming.
- Give to your local community: time/practical items/finances/life experiences/knowledge.
- Ask for help from a health and wellness professional, i.e. a therapist for the mental and emotional issues. Get an exercise coach for your physical well being. When you feel good, or at least better about yourself, depression is less likely to hang around, at least not as long as it would have otherwise.
- Plan for your future. Put away as much as you can for your retirement, get rest and exercise, as mentioned above, and be aware of programs in your community that are there to help you as you age, and based on your age.
- Fight for your mental and emotional wellbeing. This means creating healthy boundaries between you and your family and friends. I created an entire course on how to create kind but firm boundaries. . Remember, even during those times when you ask yourself why you are here unless they are trusted confidants who understand your struggle, your family and friends do not need to know. That is what your therapist is for. It’s not that you are pretending to be OK. Pretending to be OK would be opting not to admit you are depressed or opting not to see a therapist. You just can’t tell everyone everything. You may have not had the horrible opportunity, but there are people who exist that like to kick a person when they are down. Protect your heart. And remember, even if you are all by yourself, you are a family unit. Do not allow anyone to speak negatively into your spirit and your soul about that.
- Carry on. Yes, push through no matter what. Feelings come and go. Do not allow a temporary feeling to prompt you to make a permanent decision. I am not sure who said that, but it is so true. Get the help you need, take care of yourself, and carry on. All will be well as long as you do not stop along the way, to dwell on what was not to be. It was not to be. If it were, it would have happened--naturally or by your doing what was needed to be done to make it happen, i.e. adoption. Don’t beat yourself up if the adoption fell through, or the engagement broke off. Trust me when I tell you I am thankful for the day I broke off what I later realized would have been a nightmare! Anywhoo!
Recently I was interviewed on a podcast where the host asked if I had ever considered suicide. Well, here is my answer. I did not consider it, but if you have, I get it. But don’t do it. I sometimes wondered what it would be like just not to be here. Would I be missed? Yes, the answer is yes. We would be missed. Not by the children we did not have. In some cases probably not by family members. Which is very sad but it’s the world we live in.
You would be missed by the impression you would have made on this planet. The impression you are making now. The impression you are working on making now. Don’t give up. Man or woman, do not give up. You are the contribution to this world! Your talent is the contribution. Your existence is the contribution. Hang in there. Push through those valley moments.
Take that sad story prompt I mentioned at the beginning of the episode, and make a beautiful story out of it. That’s the wonderful thing about us as human beings, we can turn the ugliest, saddest prompts, into the most beautiful stories.
Do you have suggestions for pushing through depression? Let me know so that I can share it with your fellow listeners.
Thank you for tuning in to episode 108. I posted some great links in the show notes for you on mental health, depression, and counseling for those of us who become depressed over our childlessness.
The show notes are always chock full of great content created just for you.
Be sure to check them out!
Remember to leave me a message from right there on the website, or become a patron by clicking the Patreon link from the website.www.childlessnotbychoice.net.
Until next time, bye!
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Well, thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice! Until next time! Bye!
‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.’
‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.