DiscoverTopic LordsDad Is A Cenobite
Dad Is A Cenobite

Dad Is A Cenobite

Update: 2020-01-27
Share

Description

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early!



Lords:




  • April is a park ranger at @aprilsaur.

  • Danny makes video game documentaries at https://noclip.website/ and is on Twitter at @dannyodwyer.



Topics:





Microtopics:




  • Reading numbers off of a list because topics haven't been invented yet.

  • Giving someone a funny look where the funny part is that you're not looking at them.

  • Cows that are so cute you want to want to put them in your mouth, which would surely kill them.

  • The fuzzy cows only being fuzzy because it's winter.

  • Falling off a cliff being the only way to hurt yourself in Ireland.

  • The song they teach Irish children about American tourists falling off cliffs.

  • Age differences being insignificant when you're millions of years old.

  • Knowing two people but calling them both the same thing because one of their names is too hard to say.

  • Which animals are close enough to a dog to call "dog."

  • A perfect 1960s household but the dad is a cenobite.

  • Not being sure if you have bad luck or if you're just a bad person.

  • Product researchers studying what you like because everything you like fails.

  • Lying to researchers so companies will still make products you like.

  • Eating banana flavored corn flakes while you watch Milli Vanilli music videos on your Betamax player and Ralph Nader is the mayor.

  • Moving to a zip code where all your neighbors have your same contrary taste in products.

  • A wallet the size of four king-sized Snickers bars.

  • Finding paradise in the wrong gender's department at Target.

  • Feeling the thrill of being free of a giant heavy brick.

  • Having to buy an expensive, fashionable watch because otherwise your peers won't take you seriously.

  • Taking a photo of your ID and just showing the cop your Instagram.

  • Getting a non-folding wallet so your dollar bills won't have creases.

  • Explaining to the barista that the last guy put the crease in the dollar bill, not you.

  • Promising the barista you won't fold the coffee either.

  • Getting a note press so this sort of thing won't happen again.

  • Getting to say your cool last name into a walkie talkie at work.

  • Technically not appropriating anything because you're just using culture that's already been appropriated by someone else.

  • A day full of mostly making people happy, for a change.

  • Changing your last name to Ass and owing royalties to Ass owners.

  • An opportunity for some serious synergy.

  • Radio listeners celebrating other radio listeners.

  • Deciding to throw the blue checkmark people in with gen pop.

  • Waiting until you're on your deathbed to watch something to maximize anticipation.

  • The last thing you see before they turn off the dialysis machine.

  • Missing out on pop culture because you always click "skip ad" as soon as possible.

  • Advertising your audience into submission.

  • Trying to explain a slide rule without understanding what a slide rule is.

  • Watching Alien in the theater with a baby strapped to your chest.

  • Evolving to not kill yourself when you head butt a tree.

  • Having an incredibly fancy tongue.

  • Squirrels eating every single bulb from your string lights to humiliate you.

  • A peregrine falcon drowning a songbird in a creek while looking you in the eye.

  • Always being sure to catch the woodpecker with the beak facing away from you.

  • Letting the other kids on the playground do the imagining for you.

  • Deciding whether it's actually "great" to "e-meet" you.

Support Topic Lords

Comments 
Download from Google Play
Download from App Store
00:00
00:00
x

0.5x

0.8x

1.0x

1.25x

1.5x

2.0x

3.0x

Sleep Timer

Off

End of Episode

5 Minutes

10 Minutes

15 Minutes

30 Minutes

45 Minutes

60 Minutes

120 Minutes

Dad Is A Cenobite

Dad Is A Cenobite

Jim Stormdancer