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Don't Freak Out, But I'm Arresting You

Don't Freak Out, But I'm Arresting You

Update: 2019-11-18


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  • Infohazards.

  • Living in a house with instruments on the wall because you're a musician, not because you're a massive hipster.

  • Scientists who would describe cottage cheese as creamy.

  • Pigeon milk cappuccinos.

  • Animals that thrive in the city biome.

  • Anaerobic squid thriving in the oceans we ruined.

  • Honey-loving birds ditching their lame badger companions for fire-making humans.

  • Flame-throwing badgers demanding bird exes take them back.

  • Birds sweating out of their throats.

  • East Asian people have different earwax from white people.

  • Going deaf every few months due to earwax buildup.

  • Monetizing your overactive sebaceous glands.

  • Transplanting superior Asian sebaceous glands into your shitty white person's body.

  • What do mammals have that birds haven't taken from us?

  • The kiwi bird has ostrich-sized eggs.

  • Realizing that the kiwi isn't the size of a kiwi.

  • Thanking people by applying a turkey to them.

  • Missing the rest of the conversation because you were trying to find the perfect emoji.

  • Needing more than one train emoji.

  • Starving because your food options are equidistant.

  • Building the perfect Sims family so you can wreck their lives.

  • Walking into a random house and the occupants being fine with it.

  • Debuting moon landing footage you found in the bathroom.

  • Opening up a cabinet at NASA and moon rocks spilling out.

  • Your bosses at NASA not really caring when you destroy old SETI documents.

  • Cats climbing discarded mattresses to hunt.

  • Sense of thirst being hereditary.

  • Kidney stones as a delayed sign of thirst.

  • Finally getting to the part where the guy wants a mattress.

  • Being finished loving the mattress.

  • The Sunken Mattress Fallacy.

  • Discovering the organ you just destroyed was from the 19th century.

  • Playing music by touching the bones of a dead creature.

  • Being the de facto authority because everyone else knows even less.

  • Putting money into Gene Autrey's savings account.

  • Building good citizens through singing cowboys.

  • Issuing an arrest warrant for secret reasons.

  • Appreciating the 19th-century sheriff's weird forehead while waiting to be arrested.

  • Sitting there on the Group W bench.

  • Teacher rewarding you with the cheapest possible candy.

  • Mistaking your deodorant for tamarind candy.

  • Being weird in the way that figs are weird.

  • Fertilizing figs with your dissolved corpse.

  • Sharing your fig with a friend so only one of you eats a dissolved wasp.

  • Not believing new information because it's implausible that you didn't already know it.

  • Wasps parasiting other wasps.

  • Figs no longer being considered vegan.

  • Closing your tiger restaurant because tigers are infeasible to farm.

  • Accidentally inventing puppies when you just wanted your fox farm to be safer.

  • Collecting a breeding population of raccoons.

  • Rats escaping their cage so they can cuddle you.

  • Outliving your pet parrot.

  • Being an ageless rat guardian.

  • Orcas rubbing themselves on flat rocks and nobody knows why.

  • Orcas rubbing themselves on flat rocks because they're itchy.

  • An octopus friend to untangle wires for you.

  • Uplifting the octopus race merely by lengthening their lifespan.

  • Uplifted octopodes inventing Twitter and becoming miserable.

  • Thinking your chimp knows ASL because it's mirroring your actions.

  • Worshiping Cthulhu in a secular humanist kind of way.

  • Making jokes no-one will get instead of doing proper marketing.

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Don't Freak Out, But I'm Arresting You

Don't Freak Out, But I'm Arresting You

Jim Stormdancer