Digest

This episode delves into the concept of a "connected response" in parenting, addressing the common question of how to handle challenging behaviors in a way that fosters connection. The host, Robingobble, clarifies that a connected response isn't about finding a magical solution to eliminate a child's distress, but rather about recognizing that the behavior stems from a lack of regulation, connection, or felt safety. It involves seeing the child for who they truly are and attempting to meet their underlying needs. The episode explores various scenarios, highlighting the importance of setting boundaries that are not punitive but rather aimed at helping the child develop the skills they need for success. It emphasizes the need for repair when boundaries are violated, considering the child's capacity to participate in making amends. The episode also discusses the difference between grounding and punishment, emphasizing that grounding should be used to help the child develop their self-regulation skills, not as a means of inflicting pain. The host encourages listeners to trust their own intuition and allow themselves time to process the information and come to their own conclusions about how to respond in a connected way. The episode concludes with a call to action, urging listeners to leave ratings and reviews to help others discover the science of behavior and regulation.

Outlines

00:00:00

Introduction and Announcement

This Chapter introduces the episode and announces the opening of applications for the 2025 cohort of "Being With," Robingobble's year-long immersive training program for professionals who support parents. The host provides details about the application process and encourages listeners to join the waiting list.

00:01:16

The Baffling Behavior Show

This Chapter marks the return of the podcast, formerly known as "Parenting After Trauma." The host, Robingobble, expresses excitement about being back and shares insights into their busy schedule, attributing it to the release of their book and increased speaking engagements. They also mention recent milestones in their family and their plans for the summer.

00:03:11

The Connected Response

This Chapter dives into the core topic of the episode: the "connected response." The host explains that this concept is often misunderstood, with many parents seeking a response that will eliminate or minimize a child's distress. They emphasize that a connected response is about recognizing the child's needs for regulation, connection, and felt safety, and attempting to meet those needs, rather than simply controlling their behavior.

00:15:01

Responding After the Behavior

This Chapter focuses on the "connected response" in the context of what to do after a child has engaged in dysregulated behavior. The host emphasizes that the goal is to support the child's future success by addressing their underlying needs for regulation, connection, and felt safety. They discuss strategies like decreasing the distance, tightening boundaries, and increasing scaffolding, while differentiating these from punishment.

00:22:08

Repairing Boundaries

This Chapter explores the importance of repair when a child's behavior violates someone else's boundaries. The host emphasizes the need to consider the child's capacity to participate in making amends and to set realistic expectations for repair based on their stress tolerance. They provide examples of how to approach repair in different situations, such as when a child has stolen something or broken a rule.

00:28:21

Connected Responses and Regulation

This Chapter clarifies that a connected response doesn't guarantee that a child will remain regulated or happy. The host emphasizes that the goal is to respond in a way that honors the child's feelings, even if they are negative, and to offer support and co-regulation through those feelings. They provide examples of how to respond in situations where a child is disruptive or has taken something that doesn't belong to them.

00:34:48

Trusting Your Intuition

This Chapter encourages listeners to trust their own intuition and to allow themselves time to process the information and come to their own conclusions about how to respond in a connected way. The host emphasizes that the goal of the podcast is to provide information and tools that can be applied to each child's unique situation. They also remind listeners that the owl brain is not just about storing information, but also about staying in connection mode and regulating emotions.

Keywords

Q&A

• What is a "connected response" in parenting?

  A connected response is about meeting a child's needs for regulation, connection, and felt safety, rather than simply controlling their behavior. It involves recognizing that challenging behaviors often stem from a lack of these needs and attempting to address them.

• How can I tell the difference between a boundary and a punishment?

  A boundary is intended to help a child develop the skills they need for success, while a punishment is intended to inflict pain or deter a behavior. Boundaries are often based on specific needs or skills, while punishments are often arbitrary and focused on causing distress.

• What should I do when my child's behavior violates someone else's boundaries?

  It's important to consider the child's capacity to participate in making amends and to set realistic expectations for repair based on their stress tolerance. You can help them understand the impact of their actions and take steps to make things right, but it's important to avoid setting them up for failure.

• Why is it important to offer co-regulation to my child, even when they are upset?

  Co-regulation helps children regulate their emotions and behaviors through a supportive and responsive relationship. It provides a sense of safety and security, and helps them develop their own self-regulation skills. Even when a child is upset, offering co-regulation can help them feel understood and supported.

• How can I trust my own intuition when responding to my child's behavior?

  It's important to allow yourself time to process the information and come to your own conclusions about how to respond. The goal is to apply the information you've learned to your child's unique situation. Remember that the owl brain is not just about storing information, but also about staying in connection mode and regulating emotions.

• What are some ways to help my child develop their self-regulation skills?

  There are many strategies you can use to help your child develop their self-regulation skills, such as decreasing the distance, tightening boundaries, and increasing scaffolding. It's important to focus on helping them develop the skills they need for success, rather than simply punishing them for their behavior.

• How can I find more information and support for parenting with regulation, connection, and felt safety?

  Robingobble offers a variety of resources and programs to support parents, including the "Baffling Behavior Show" podcast, the book "Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors," and the "Being With" training program. You can also find free resources on their website, including webinars, master classes, ebooks, and infographics.

Show Notes