Episode #6: Setting Limits?
0:30 King Solomon: “Don’t remove the boundaries of eternity.”
We have to reexamine boundaries and conventions, but not abandon them wholesale
Einstein regret: relativity leads to relativism
Balance respect for the past with a progressive eye to the future
3:15 All of psychology is about setting limits
Why do we have so much trouble with it?
Human beings are lazy, so we try to avoid difficult decisions
We try to set our default between generosity and self-care
7:00 Commands, demands, and requests
10:00 Embarrassment over being seen as irresponsible or out of control
As parents and as members of society, we do have the right and the responsibility to give rebuke, but also to deliver it civilly
13:30 How do we decide what limits we set for ourselves in all aspects of our lives?
Don’t act out of anger but out of principles
Balance self-respect against social expectations
16:00 Using diplomacy to give rebuke
We don’t want to be the police
Ask for helpfulness rather than coming with complaints
18:00 We want others to take responsibility for themselves and feel resentment if we’re forced to remind them to be responsible
Managing the minor conflicts so they don’t escalate is what life’s all about
If I give you rebuke I’m really saying I believe in you and your ability to do better
21:30 How do we feel about taking a back seat so others can shine?
When we know we’re being watched, we watch more carefully
27:00 The sacrifices of others reminds us to take more responsibility ourselves
29:00 Political polarization draws lines that separate us from one another
James Carville and Mary Matlin
Politics is today’s religion, so we see each other as heretics
33:00 Civic responsibility is an expression of character
34:30 Word of the day: compartmentalization
We create boxes in our minds so we can simultaneously hold two ideas that are incompatibles
We have to accommodate people with different values for society to function
39:45 Challenge: how might you engage someone who has values you can’t abide?
When are we justified in cutting ourselves off from people?
42:00 Randy Pausch, Last Lecture: https://www.ted.com/talks/randy_pausch_really_achieving_your_childhood_dreams
45:00 It takes courage to evaluate our own reactions to others
47:00 Trying to be everything to everybody doesn’t work
Parents need to allow their children to test boundaries without stifling them
Life’s contradictions and paradoxes are meant to be managed, not resolved
49:00 What can you do to reach out to someone distant from you?
What are our options?
52:00 We learn more from discussing our differences: constructive disagreement.
54:00 The value of an accountability partner.
Thank heaven for difficult people.