Esther Calling - What If I Break Up With My Dad?
12Digest
The caller shares her difficult relationship with her father, characterized by his lack of emotional support and hurtful words throughout her childhood. She describes his frequent outbursts and negative comments, which have contributed to her struggles with anxiety and self-esteem. The caller reveals that her father recently had an affair and is divorcing her mother after 30 years of marriage, further complicating the situation. She expresses her anger and frustration with his dishonesty and lack of accountability, particularly as he attempts to establish a relationship with her outside of her mother. The caller also discusses her brother's strained relationship with their father and the impact of her father's actions on her mother. The conversation delves into the complexities of family dynamics, colorism within Black families, and the challenges of navigating a relationship with a parent who has inflicted pain. The therapist encourages the caller to focus on her own feelings and experiences, acknowledging the limitations of her father and the need for self-compassion. She suggests that the caller can begin to heal by understanding her father's own experiences and the impact of his upbringing on his behavior. The therapist emphasizes the importance of recognizing the emotional weight of her father's material provision and the need to acknowledge his own emotional needs. The caller expresses her desire to let go of anger and resentment, and the therapist encourages her to break the cycle of reactivity by focusing on what she appreciates about her father, even if it's just his financial support. The conversation concludes with the therapist emphasizing the importance of self-compassion and the possibility of finding a new way to relate to her father.
Outlines
A Difficult Relationship
This Chapter explores the caller's strained relationship with her father, marked by his lack of emotional support and hurtful words throughout her childhood. She describes his frequent outbursts and negative comments, which have contributed to her struggles with anxiety and self-esteem. The caller reveals that her father recently had an affair and is divorcing her mother after 30 years of marriage, further complicating the situation.
Navigating the Aftermath
This Chapter delves into the caller's current situation, where her father is attempting to establish a relationship with her outside of her mother. She expresses her anger and frustration with his dishonesty and lack of accountability, particularly as he takes no responsibility for his actions and how they impact her. The caller also discusses her brother's strained relationship with their father and the impact of her father's actions on her mother.
Family Dynamics and Colorism
This Chapter explores the complexities of family dynamics, colorism within Black families, and the challenges of navigating a relationship with a parent who has inflicted pain. The therapist encourages the caller to focus on her own feelings and experiences, acknowledging the limitations of her father and the need for self-compassion.
Finding a New Path
This Chapter focuses on the therapist's guidance for the caller to begin healing by understanding her father's own experiences and the impact of his upbringing on his behavior. The therapist emphasizes the importance of recognizing the emotional weight of her father's material provision and the need to acknowledge his own emotional needs.
Outro
This Chapter concludes the conversation with the therapist encouraging the caller to break the cycle of reactivity by focusing on what she appreciates about her father, even if it's just his financial support. The therapist emphasizes the importance of self-compassion and the possibility of finding a new way to relate to her father.
Keywords
emotional support
Emotional support refers to the provision of comfort, encouragement, and understanding during times of stress, difficulty, or emotional distress. It involves actively listening, offering empathy, and providing a sense of security and validation.
infidelity
Infidelity refers to the act of being unfaithful in a romantic relationship, typically involving sexual or emotional betrayal. It can involve having an affair, engaging in emotional intimacy with someone outside the relationship, or engaging in behaviors that violate the agreed-upon terms of the relationship.
colorism
Colorism is a form of discrimination based on the lightness or darkness of a person's skin tone, particularly within racial or ethnic groups. It often manifests as prejudice against individuals with darker skin tones, leading to social, economic, and psychological disadvantages.
family dynamics
Family dynamics refer to the complex interplay of relationships, patterns of communication, and power structures within a family unit. It encompasses the ways in which family members interact, influence each other, and contribute to the overall functioning of the family.
self-compassion
Self-compassion is the ability to treat oneself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, particularly during times of difficulty or failure. It involves recognizing that everyone makes mistakes and that it's important to be kind to oneself in the face of challenges.
material provision
Material provision refers to the act of providing for someone's basic needs, such as food, shelter, clothing, and other essential resources. It often involves financial support, but can also include providing access to resources like education, healthcare, or transportation.
emotional intelligence
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to understand, manage, and express one's own emotions, as well as to recognize and respond to the emotions of others. It involves being self-aware, empathetic, and skilled in communication and relationship building.
reactivity
Reactivity refers to the tendency to respond to situations or people in a knee-jerk, automatic, or impulsive manner, often without considering the consequences or the needs of others. It can involve becoming defensive, angry, or anxious in response to perceived threats or challenges.
collateral damage
Collateral damage refers to the unintended harm or negative consequences that occur as a result of an action or event, particularly in situations involving conflict or violence. It often involves individuals or groups who are not directly involved in the primary conflict but are nonetheless affected by its outcomes.
break the cycle
Breaking the cycle refers to the process of interrupting a pattern of negative or harmful behavior that has been passed down through generations or repeated within a relationship. It involves identifying the cycle, understanding its origins, and making conscious choices to change the pattern.
Q&A
How has the caller's father's lack of emotional support impacted her?
The caller has struggled with anxiety and negative feelings about herself due to her father's hurtful words and lack of emotional support. She has sought therapy and medication to cope with the anxiety stemming from their relationship.
What are the caller's main concerns about her father's recent affair and divorce?
The caller is angry and frustrated with her father's dishonesty and lack of accountability for his actions. She feels hurt that he is trying to establish a relationship with her outside of her mother without taking responsibility for the pain he has caused.
How does the therapist help the caller understand her father's behavior?
The therapist encourages the caller to consider her father's own experiences and the impact of his upbringing on his behavior. She suggests that his lack of emotional intelligence and his tendency to defend his family, even those who have hurt him, may stem from his own unresolved trauma.
What is the therapist's advice for the caller in navigating her relationship with her father?
The therapist encourages the caller to focus on her own feelings and experiences, acknowledging the limitations of her father. She suggests that the caller can begin to heal by understanding her father's own experiences and the impact of his upbringing on his behavior. The therapist emphasizes the importance of recognizing the emotional weight of her father's material provision and the need to acknowledge his own emotional needs.
How can the caller break the cycle of reactivity in her relationship with her father?
The therapist encourages the caller to break the cycle of reactivity by focusing on what she appreciates about her father, even if it's just his financial support. She suggests that by expressing gratitude and understanding, the caller can begin to shift the dynamic of their relationship.
What is the therapist's overall message to the caller?
The therapist emphasizes the importance of self-compassion and the possibility of finding a new way to relate to her father. She encourages the caller to acknowledge her own feelings and needs, while also understanding her father's limitations and the impact of his past experiences.
Show Notes
Esther takes a question from a young woman struggling with her relationship with her father. A recent divorce and the slow reveal of an affair on the part of her father has ruptured the family- and leaves her questioning whether or not her father should continue to have a role in her life.
Esther Callings are a one time, 45-60 minute interventional phone call with Esther. They are edited for time, clarity, and anonymity. If you have a question you would like to talk through with Esther, send a voice memo to producer@estherperel.com.
Want to learn more? Receive monthly insights, musings, and recommendations to improve your relational intelligence via email from Esther: https://www.estherperel.com/newsletter
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