In this extended Father's Day episode, Asher doesn't laud fathers (since that's what everyone else is doing). Instead, he explores the mission of fatherhood to convey a child from uncertain youth to confident adulthood. And what can anyone do about it, if a father abdicates that responsibility?

Welcome to another episode of man hearted. The show about being a man I'm Asher black, your host powered by spunk. And once again, we'll aim to get to the heart of manhood with father's day imminent at the time of this recording possibly passed. By the time you listened to it, it felt right to go ahead and talk about fathers, uh, for a father's day episode. So, uh, we're going to deal with that. And instead of being the usual thing, which you, uh, you know, it's funny, I think the two days that, um, a lot of men go to church is the, our Christmas and, uh, father's day, uh, there's, you know, usually a father's day sermon, et cetera. And of course they're glowing and they Lord fathers, and we're gonna hear all kinds of pains to fathers all throughout, uh, you know, whether it's on local news or, or wherever everybody's going to bring it up.

And so we're going to distinctly not go that way. Uh, so instead, and talk about a little bit of the trouble, uh, with our fathers, uh, and, uh, see if, if you don't identify with some of this and some of this, I'm going to tell, I'm going to do a little storytelling. I'm going to tell you about my own experience. Um, and the reason I'm willing to do that at the risk of somebody saying, well, this show's too personal. It's about your experience. Is that, uh, almost every man I talked to every other man, let's just say at least half or more, um, have similar experiences and have shared this with me. And so, uh, this is not going to be a cry Fest or we're not going to be hugging and, and beating each other with rubber bats and letting out our primal scream in the wilderness or anything like that.

Don't worry. Uh, but at the same time, I don't have time for it either. I hope you don't. Um, but at the same time, uh, I do think we gotta, we gotta deal with what's up, right. And make it okay. To sort of bring this out for a second and deal with it because father's day is it's like Christmas, right? It's a holiday where you fight with your relatives. Well, that's Thanksgiving. Okay. So thanks for leaving, but no, but father's day is, is a dual edged sword, right. Because you know, you have to deal with your dad, so, or you don't, or you've decided not to, in which case you're, you're at one end of the sword. So maybe you don't have the option. There's obviously many men that don't. Um, but the fact is you still carry your dad with you in, in memory one way or another, regardless of what they were like, uh, if you knew him at all.

So I want to talk a little bit about, um, the trouble with fathers and it, it differs for everybody, right? Some people have the problem of paternal absence. Uh, he's not around, never was some people have the problem of paternal rejection. Your father doesn't respect. You doesn't treat you as though you're an equal or have reached the stage of manhood. Um, or there's the problem of fatherly advocation, where the father doesn't hold up his end of the bargain. And there is one, you know, and says the stuff like, well, I clothed you. I fed you. I put a roof over your head. Yeah. Okay. That's good. That's a baseline. But the state would have done that if you didn't. So, you know, the sisters of charity, the little sisters down the street would have done that, but there was a little bit more required. Right.

So the thing is, we don't talk about this stuff as men very often. And I think it's because there's shame involved in having a frustrated relationship with your father. We don't tend to bring it up at least not without knowing somebody really well. And even then he might know a guy for years and, and not really go there. Right. Um, and I remember that when I first tried to articulate, uh, the confusion and, um, the feelings I was having about it, it kinda just came out as complaints and bitterness and despondency. And those are pretty unattractive features in most people, um, whether it's in business or personal life or, you know, at a cocktail party or whatever, God, I don't go to cocktail parties. Do you? I think I went to a couple of my youth and went, this is not for me. I don't even drink cocktails.

Uh, well, I don't know margarita now. And then, uh, give me a scotch, give me Irish whiskey. So I, I learned to kind of keep this stuff and myself, and stay relatively silent about it. And part of that was reinforced, you know, a lot of manners sort of relieved by that. Um, because the, the meme that we're living up to is that we can take it. Right. So, um, that, you know, we're trying to basically underscore the idea that toughness and unwavering focus are, um, the quintessential, uh, male virtues. And the problem with that is, uh, you can give yourself a heart attack or a stroke or, or something like that, following that meme. So if you, if you really take a close look at the treadmill, some of us are either on, or have spent a number of years on, um, which looks very laudable in its, in his qualities, uh, an endless ambition to reach ever greater thresholds of achievement.

Oftentimes that is coupled with ironically disappointment when we actually accomplish those things and what those things end up meaning to us personally. Uh, and, uh, in the wake of that, I can't help, but yeah, think that some of that, uh, involves thwarted attempts to gain the approval of our fathers. And, and so the treadmill is not one we created. We're still trying to essentially prove something to the old man. Uh, yeah. And these, these frustrated efforts, um, I'm often are to try to confirm this feeling of adulthood or manhood. And for many of us, those terms are synonymous. It's not a gender thing. It's about whatever it represents to have crossed a certain threshold and now sort of be an independent, uh, liberated adult and be free and be able to take care of yourself, whether you think of that as manhood or adulthood or synonymously as I do, um, those, those efforts to kind of get confirmation of that feeling or to confirm it, uh, are ironic because that's what paternal approval is supposed to confer on us in the first place.

In other words, that is the main role of a father is one, get you there. And number two, recognize when you got there and acknowledge it, and you've, you've come into your own son. You've reached the place you are now, essentially the same as me. You are what I am. You're a man you've you've, you can take your place, uh, at the council of among men. And the, the funny thing is, is that lacking that if that wasn't done or that was withheld or on the contrary, um, in its place was sort of criticism contempt and, you know, uh, general doubt and lack of regard. Um, then sometimes at the root of our anguish over the things we achieve, um, it's actually, uh, that treadmill, which is an attempt to get to a place that we can't get to any other way. And the way we're doing is not working now.

Uh, some of you might find this to be a bit touchy, feely, and a little, you know, warm and fuzzy. I don't think it's that warm, but I don't think it's that fuzzy. Uh, some, some are fuzzier than others, but, uh, I'm gonna leave it there for a second and just, uh, talk a little bit about my own experience and say, look, you know, I'm a lot like my dad, uh, I even looked like my dad. And, uh, sometimes when to get photos, you know, just a certain cut of the jib, I can kind of see what he looked like when he was younger and I'd see him work working or something like that. I'm like, oh yeah, that's what he looks like. This is what I look like. Um, and in a way that, you know, it's kind of gratifying and you would think it would be inspiring, you know, Hey, because that's w wasn't that our goal isn't that the goal of every boy to grow up in sort of be if your dad's halfway okay, to sort of be a cutoff of the old block.

Right. And so seeing, uh, some version of himself and you should be inspiring. Uh, and so growing up, you know, straight up like most young men, my father was the definition of what a man is to me. He was a good looking man by my estimation. Uh, so I'm proud of that resemblance. Uh, but in the next moment, when I look in the mirror, I know it's not him. Or I look at that photograph. I know it's not him. And I remember, you know, I don't know if many of you remember that there's a song out there, cats in the cradle. It's basically about, you know, I don't have time for you, dad, just like, he didn't have time for me. And in the end he just wants the car keys. Right? Well, in a, in a more lighthearted way, many of us grew up and all we really wanted half the time was the car keys.

We wanted two things, girls and car keys, that's it. You know, we knew what we wanted. It wasn't the, you, I don't know what you want. Well, I can tell you, I want the keys to some vehicle. And I would like access to where the girls are. If you have any advice on, on how to get them on top of finding them that's. But if not, we'll just use the car, drive down the main street and whistle and shout and play our music loud and hope they like it. And if any, what we hope is they will get in the car and we can then drive around what we do after that. We don't know. Uh, but you know, there's, we'll figure it out as we, no, but what I'm saying is, uh, in a similar way, um, you know, I grew up wanting to get the keys to sort of my own adulthood.

And I don't find that to be an unusual situation. That's peculiar to me. Um, so I can name and I won't, uh, don't worry, but several what I would call manly men, tough guys, guys that fought in wars, got tattoos up their arms. You know, guys, you know, I wouldn't want to play a vio