How to Fight Perfectionism
5Digest
This episode of The Happiness Lab delves into the complexities of perfectionism, a common struggle that can lead to anxiety, self-criticism, and a sense of overwhelm. Host Dr. Laurie Santos, a happiness expert, candidly shares her own experiences with perfectionism and how it impacts her life. The episode features an interview with Tom Skurren, a professor at the London School of Economics, who discusses the different dimensions of perfectionism and its increasing prevalence, particularly among young people. Skurren argues that perfectionism is often an anxiety management strategy, driven by fear of judgment and a desire for validation. The episode also features a compelling story from Jordana Confino, a recovering perfectionist who shares her journey of overcoming her harsh self-standards and learning to embrace a more compassionate approach to life. Confino emphasizes the importance of self-compassion, setting boundaries, and recognizing the social opportunity cost of saying yes to everything. The episode concludes with Dr. Santos reflecting on her own progress in managing her perfectionist tendencies and her commitment to continuing to work on her well-being.
Outlines
Introduction
This Chapter introduces the episode's topic: perfectionism. Dr. Laurie Santos, the host, shares her personal struggles with perfectionism and how it affects her life. She also introduces the episode's guests: Tom Skurren, a professor at the London School of Economics, and Jordana Confino, a recovering perfectionist.
The Science of Perfectionism
This Chapter delves into the science of perfectionism with Tom Skurren, a professor at the London School of Economics. Skurren discusses the different dimensions of perfectionism, including self-oriented, other-oriented, and socially prescribed perfectionism. He explains that perfectionism is often an anxiety management strategy, driven by fear of judgment and a desire for validation.
A Recovering Perfectionist's Story
This Chapter features the story of Jordana Confino, a recovering perfectionist. Confino shares her journey of overcoming her harsh self-standards and learning to embrace a more compassionate approach to life. She discusses how her perfectionism developed in childhood and how it impacted her academic and professional life. Confino also shares her strategies for managing her perfectionist tendencies, including self-compassion, setting boundaries, and recognizing the social opportunity cost of saying yes to everything.
Practical Strategies for Perfectionism Recovery
This Chapter focuses on practical strategies for perfectionism recovery. Jordana Confino shares her insights on how to challenge negative self-talk, set healthier boundaries, and cultivate self-compassion. She emphasizes the importance of recognizing the trade-offs involved in saying yes to every request and the need to prioritize activities that align with our values.
Looking Ahead
This Chapter concludes the episode with Dr. Santos reflecting on her own progress in managing her perfectionist tendencies and her commitment to continuing to work on her well-being. She also previews the next episode, which will explore the benefits of boredom and how to embrace empty moments in a healthier way.
Keywords
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by a relentless pursuit of flawlessness and an intense fear of failure. It can manifest in various ways, including setting impossibly high standards for oneself, being overly critical of oneself and others, and feeling a constant need to prove one's worth. Perfectionism can have a significant negative impact on mental health, leading to anxiety, depression, and burnout. It can also hinder personal growth and limit opportunities for success.
Self-compassion
Self-compassion is the ability to treat oneself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, especially during times of difficulty or failure. It involves recognizing that everyone makes mistakes and that imperfections are part of the human experience. Self-compassion can help to reduce self-criticism, increase resilience, and promote emotional well-being.
Boundaries
Boundaries are limits that we set to protect our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. They define what we are willing to tolerate and what we are not. Healthy boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy relationships, managing stress, and achieving personal goals. Setting boundaries can involve saying no to requests that are not aligned with our values or priorities, communicating our needs clearly, and protecting our time and energy.
Social Opportunity Cost
Social opportunity cost refers to the value of the next best alternative that is forgone when making a decision. In the context of perfectionism, it refers to the missed opportunities for social connection, relaxation, and self-care that result from constantly saying yes to every request and overcommitting oneself. Recognizing the social opportunity cost can help individuals to prioritize their well-being and set healthier boundaries.
Neuroplasticity
Neuroplasticity refers to the brain's ability to change and adapt throughout life. This includes the formation of new neural connections, the strengthening of existing connections, and the weakening or pruning of unused connections. Neuroplasticity allows us to learn new skills, adapt to new experiences, and recover from brain injuries. It also plays a role in the development of habits and the formation of new thought patterns.
Boredom
Boredom is a state of mind characterized by a lack of stimulation or interest. It can be a source of discomfort and frustration, but it can also be a valuable opportunity for creativity, reflection, and relaxation. Research suggests that boredom can promote cognitive flexibility, enhance problem-solving skills, and foster a sense of well-being.
The Happiness Lab
The Happiness Lab is a podcast hosted by Dr. Laurie Santos, a professor of psychology at Yale University. The podcast explores the science of happiness and well-being, offering practical insights and strategies for improving our lives. The Happiness Lab has become a popular resource for listeners seeking to understand and cultivate happiness in their own lives.
Tom Skurren
Tom Skurren is an associate professor at the London School of Economics. He is an expert on perfectionism and has written extensively on the topic. Skurren's research has shed light on the different dimensions of perfectionism and its increasing prevalence, particularly among young people. He has also developed practical strategies for managing perfectionist tendencies.
Jordana Confino
Jordana Confino is a recovering perfectionist and a Fordham University law professor. She is a coach who helps overachieving professionals who struggle with perfectionism. Confino shares her personal journey of overcoming her harsh self-standards and learning to embrace a more compassionate approach to life. She is a passionate advocate for self-compassion, setting boundaries, and prioritizing well-being.
Q&A
What are the different dimensions of perfectionism?
Tom Skurren identifies three dimensions of perfectionism: self-oriented, other-oriented, and socially prescribed. Self-oriented perfectionism refers to the high standards we impose on ourselves. Other-oriented perfectionism involves holding others to the same high standards we expect of ourselves. Socially prescribed perfectionism is the belief that others expect us to be perfect, which can lead to a constant fear of judgment and a need to monitor our behavior.
Why is perfectionism on the rise, especially among young people?
Skurren suggests that social media platforms like Instagram and Facebook may be contributing to the rise of perfectionism, as they often present idealized images of people and lifestyles. This can lead young people to internalize unrealistic expectations and feel pressure to achieve perfection in all areas of their lives.
What are some practical strategies for managing perfectionist tendencies?
Jordana Confino recommends several strategies, including: 1) Challenging negative self-talk by recognizing and reframing critical thoughts. 2) Setting healthier boundaries by saying no to requests that are not aligned with our values or priorities. 3) Cultivating self-compassion by treating ourselves with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, especially during times of difficulty or failure.
What is the social opportunity cost of perfectionism?
Confino highlights the social opportunity cost of perfectionism, which refers to the missed opportunities for social connection, relaxation, and self-care that result from constantly overcommitting oneself. By saying yes to everything, we may be sacrificing valuable time and energy that could be spent nurturing our relationships, pursuing our passions, and taking care of our well-being.
How can we learn to embrace boredom?
The episode previews the next episode, which will explore the benefits of boredom. Boredom can be a valuable opportunity for creativity, reflection, and relaxation. It can also promote cognitive flexibility and enhance problem-solving skills.
Show Notes
Holding yourself to impossibly high standards is self-defeating and makes for a miserable life. Can Dr Laurie Santos find ways to tackle her constant perfectionism so she can perform better and have more fun?
She hears from researcher Thomas Curran about a worrying growth in perfectionism in society, and asks "recovering perfectionist" Jordana Confino how to tackle the nagging voice in your head telling you to always push yourself and work harder.
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