Guest Expert: Dr. Cara Natterson

With so much research done on girls in the area of puberty, sex, owning their bodies and understanding their moods, there has been a refreshing move to including boys in the conversation after many years of assuming that they just quietly and easily flowed from child to adult (unlike their female counterparts). Of course, just because boys often got quieter during puberty, doesn’t mean that they don’t have a lot going on—a lot that we really do need to discuss. In fact, leaving our sons to manage the ups-and-downs of puberty on their own denies them accurate information and leaves them vulnerable to societal messages about body image, pornography, and violence.

Now you’ve heard the interview I did with the fabulous Peggy Orenstein on Boys and Sex as well as well as the fascinating interview I did with Micheal Richert on How to Raise a Boy. Now we are going to leap headfirst into some of the pressing questions we want answered about what’s really going on with boys as they are going through puberty. “What is my son doing behind his constantly closed door? What’s with his curt responses, impulsiveness, newfound obsession with gaming, and…that funky smell? And of course, for our purposes, how do we talk to him about all these things he’s going through so he doesn’t feel alone and confused about what he’s feeling and what’s happening to him? Time to get comfortable with feeling a little uncomfortable again—as we delve into decoding boys with best-selling author, Dr. Cara Natterson.

Cara Natterson, M.D., is a pediatrician, popular speaker, consultant, and New York Times bestselling author of multiple parenting and health books, including the Care and Keeping of You book series, which has more than six million copies in print, and Guy Stuff, the corollary for boys. She has now written a book called Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Boys—and provides information that is write up my alley—in fact, she writes on the very first page; “we can’t decode our boys if we don’t talk to them.” Yes! Dr. Natterson is a graduate of Harvard College and Johns Hopkins Medical School, and she trained in pediatrics at the University of California at San Francisco. After working as a general pediatrician for many years, she founded Worry Proof Consulting, a first-of-its-kind practice offering parents open-ended appointments. She also provides medical expertise for numerous parenting websites and serves on several boards including Starlight Children’s Foundation, Mattel’s Barbie Council, The Honest Company’s medical advisory, and Zemcar, a safe rides service for children. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband and their two teenagers.

The podcast provides:

• Some key tips to keep in mind when talking to boys


• Discussion points about physical changes boys experience


• What we should we talking about with boys regarding sex


• What to discuss regarding sending “nudes” and boys


• What to say to our boys regarding porn


• How to talk about potentially embarrassing issues for boys like spontaneous erections


• Discussion points around boys and body image

• Puberty isn’t as gendered as we make it. The transformation is very universal. Doesn’t depend on XX or XY.


• Parents talk more to girls than to boys about puberty and sex- need to shine light on this.


• Eye contact can further magnify an already tricky moment. Lights off or car or walk. Lack of eye contact- especially when parents and kids don’t have conversations as part of their typical routine.


• Just stop talking at times- need to be quiet. Build the quiet. Bring it up. They talk. You feed off it. If they aren’t ready. Sit with the silent. Learn to be comfortable with the silence.


• “No matter how close you are with your child, there are going to be things that they’re not going to be able to talk to you about- so get a surrogate! A person who your child does feel comfortable talking to about a certain difficult topic. Who would you go to talk to about this or that? Need to forewarn the surrogate.


• Empower kids with information. Most parents don’t talk to kids about testosterone.


• PUBERTY: Boy puberty is largely governed by testosterone. That’s the hormone that transforms a boy into a potentially reproductive man. When boys enter puberty, their testicles become testosterone factories. They start pumping out a lot of this hormone. The testicles grow so that they can do this. Growth of the testicles is the first sign of boy puberty. Vocal cords change shape. Voice starts to crack and drop. Pubertal growth spurt. Shoulders broaden. Effect son brain and mood. (Not a sign of puberty—hair and stink- governed by cousins of testosterone- by adrenal glands related to kidneys- adrenarche- often in sync with puberty)


• *How and when we talk to kids about puberty depends entirely on the kid and the parent. It depends on personality, temperament, how much info you tend to circulate in home, physical proximity, where the siblings are in the birth order. Layer on top- what you’ve already done. Withheld? Given info? Anxious kids? Isn’t a perfect time or right time.


• If you make basic conversations about puberty, health and wellness, part of the norm, it’s a really easy in to talk about anything. “You may start noticing some changes in your body” is overwhelming. Instead- why you eat what you eat, what makes your body grow…and speaking of growing I’ve noticed a bunch of kids in your class have gotten really tall, what do you