DiscoverTopic LordsI Hate This Gilded Boat
I Hate This Gilded Boat

I Hate This Gilded Boat

Update: 2019-12-16


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  • Ryan Ike is a composer at @RyanIkeComposer. Where The Water Tastes Like Wine is now available on Switch!

  • Gary Butterfield is a podcaster at @GaryBuh (terfieldPodcaster). He will be torturing himself for your entertainment from Dec 20-23.



  • Introducing yourself like a Pokemon.

  • Graduating to being level two e-friends.

  • The Spider-Man channel, the Ice Man channel, and the Firestar channel.

  • Consuming things between now and when you die.

  • Making game as if people have nothing to do but play your game.

  • Being okay with never consuming the art you purchase.

  • Min-maxing your enjoyment you have before you become a pile of inanimate carbon.

  • Checking in on The Ice Man Christmas Spectacular and it's already snowing.

  • Failing to explain the Battle of the Bulge.

  • The intended cadence of using two question marks.

  • Topic Joker's Trick.

  • Associating the sound of screaming with everything tasty.

  • String cheese yelling "string cheese" as you eat it to raise string cheese awareness.

  • Everyone remembering where they were when food started screaming.

  • Deaf people all remembering when they got Subway and learned to hear.

  • David Fincher's Seven 2: Ate.

  • The wailing of the ghosts of Hades echoing through Hamilton Middle School.

  • The screaming and eating minutes.

  • The horrible price of being a Topic Lord.

  • All the layers of your sandwich singing like a barbershop quartet.

  • Humanity learning to photosynthesize.

  • The glucose in an IV drip whispering the time you'll die as it goes into your vein.

  • Mailing your representative to ask them to vote no on the Screaming Food Act.

  • The totemic power of a sampler with 256k of ram.

  • PewDiePie endorsing a particular brand of streaming microphone.

  • Making a cooking knife made out of dinosaur bones.

  • Recording a song with Kurt Cobain's guitar.

  • Recording a song with a guitar made from Kurt Cobain's body.

  • A rock legend being bone-morphed into a Stratocaster.

  • Being totally down with your bones used for something cool.

  • Being a Topic Knave.

  • Being called a genius until it breaks you.

  • Being confused about whether a boat is a fortunate or unfortunate boat.

  • Putting together a team to make the game to match your vanity soundtrack.

  • Making a soundtrack you could paint on the side of a van.

  • Auteur power inevitably turning you into a monster, and choosing to lean into that.

  • Living with the comfort hose pointed at your face.

  • Having no knees and a lot of money.

  • Eating yourself because you are among the 1% most self-actualized.

  • Dancing in a cage for a warlord because nobody needs your chiptune cover of Carry On My Wayward Son after the screaming vegetables cause World War 3.

  • Getting real good at the spoons because pianos are too heavy.

  • Accidentally starting fires with your thick prescription glasses.

  • Murdering every Applebee's employee so you're the best chef in your future village.

  • Being good with children even though you hate them.

  • Terrifying passers-by because you just wanted to get your shopping done faster.

  • Running to catch your yogurt like it's a bus.

  • Onlookers wondering why you're always breaking up with Janine every time they see you.

  • Thinking you're going to get a free sample but instead getting a sales pitch.

  • Talking into a celery stalk to get out of an awkward situation.

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I Hate This Gilded Boat

I Hate This Gilded Boat

Jim Stormdancer