Long Furby

Long Furby

Update: 2020-09-21
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  • Being a cyborg and being out of the closet.

  • Doing standup comedy in an empty room.

  • Figuring out the best way to get a podcast onto your phone.

  • Kevin Spacey ruining your podcast.

  • A 20th-anniversary digital Tamagotchi.

  • F2P Tamagotchi all getting horrible pain disorders that demand you pay daily microtransactions or they just scream all day.

  • A large company that operates suspiciously.

  • Reading a lot of Newsweek in grade school.

  • Getting high on your own supply of Newsweek.

  • An eight year old wearing a blazer with elbow pads picking up a Newsweek at the book fair to read about Tamagotchi.

  • Shaking the Chao garden to make the Chao fight.

  • Whether or not Nintendogs go to heaven.

  • Neglecting your real dog because you have an exciting new virtual dog.

  • Sickening podcast guests with your Pokemon Go strategies.

  • The sensor on Wappy Dog's tail that only exists so it can get upset that you pulled its tail.

  • That one banger on the Wappy Dog OST.

  • Your Robotic Operating Buddy's ability to pick up discs of a certain size and move them in an arc around itself.

  • Playing Stack Up over Skype and having to call your friend and have him reset the puzzle whenever ROB fucks up and drops the pieces on the floor.

  • The baffling absence of YouTube videos of Gizmo Furby interacting with Yoda Furby.

  • Steven Spielberg patrolling the internet for videos of Gizmo Furby talking to Yoda Furby and shutting them the heck down because that's not canon. (George Lucas is fine with it.)

  • A village of Furbies living on after the extinction of the human race.

  • Yes! Dad does!

  • Wappy Dog being immortal, but if he did die somehow he'd go straight to hell.

  • Pikachu turning to the player and asking "who was the last person you kissed?"

  • Trying to make a game that creates the same reaction in every player.

  • Confusing Yoot Saito and Noob Saibot.

  • Playing SimCity 2000 on a Game Boy Advance.

  • Becoming a chef so that you can figure out why burritos are better in San Diego than anywhere else in the world.

  • A library raised up in little feet with a swirly tail called The Spang-Dangler Building.

  • A library that looks like a big concrete tree.

  • A library that looks like a space invader.

  • Discovering Finnish Salty Licorice and finally not having to share your candy with your friends.

  • Lurking in the floorboards so that you can visit your introvert friend without them noticing.

  • Those big concrete nipples on Camp Pendleton.

  • Driving from Camp Pendleton to Mexico in less than a minute and then turning around and driving across an aircraft carrier.

  • Doctor Seuss's favorite San Diego hangouts.

  • Whether Jack Lemmon likes it hot in the ending of Some Like It Hot.

  • Taking part in the panda breeding program in the 70s.

  • Not knowing what the San Diego Convention Center looks like outside of Comic Con and just assuming it's always swarming with nerds.

  • None of the speakers showing up for the big Robotech panel at Wondercon so the marketing director steps up with PowerPoint presentation describing Robotech merch.

  • Everyone losing their shit over Robotech skate decks.

  • Singing and dancing when the sky turns black.

  • Trying to hide violence from children so the children rebel by celebrating violence as much as possible.

  • A full-featured Mortal Kombat clone developed by two high school students.

  • Whether One Must Fall stands up.

  • Choosing to release the first free-and-good-enough NES emulator and calling it NESticle.

  • How the mouse pointer for NESticle was actually a severed hand, and only the Windows icon was a scrotum.

  • Keeping your emulation legit by deleting your ROMs every 24 hours.

  • The only place the long-rumored SNESticle was ever released.

  • How early SNES emulators didn't handle transparency so you had to manually toggle the cloud layer in order to see anything.

  • Shock value Flash cartoons before and after 9/11.

  • A gif of a plane crashing into Oprah.

  • Going into work each day with the intent of trying to get fired.

  • Who today is carrying on the Bloodlust Software ethos.

  • Making the same ultra-violent video game as everyone else but adding narration explaining that "violence is bad and this game is important."

  • A hyper-detailed art style evocative of biology and gross innards without actually depicting any gore.

  • A tasteful logo that represents a butt pooping.

  • A barely-visible monster lurking in the background of every video uploaded to Pornhub.

  • Porkin' Across America.

  • Finding people who were already going to make a series of sex tapes and offering to lurk in the background in your Slenderman costume.

  • Training a neural network to insert Slenderman into the background of every movie.

  • Writing erotic House of Leaves fan fiction and waiting for the Internet to discover and reenact it.

  • An art critic giving your life a B+.

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Long Furby

Long Furby

Jim Stormdancer