In this deeply empathetic mailbag episode of the Low Demand Parenting Podcast, Amanda Diekman answers two listener questions about navigating the challenges of dysregulated kids:

1. 
   

   Physical Aggression and Meltdowns: What do you do when your child is physically aggressive, whether toward you or siblings? Amanda shares strategies for:

   
   
   
   
   • De-escalation: Dropping demands in the moment to reduce tension and prioritize safety.
   
   
   • Co-regulation: Staying grounded so your child can borrow your calm to find their own.
   
   
   • Practical tips for balancing priorities like safety versus expectations, and the importance of repair after meltdowns.
   
   
   
   


2. 
   

   Name-Calling and Emotional Pain: How do you handle deeply painful words from a dysregulated child? Amanda dives into:

   
   
   
   
   • Why name-calling is a symptom of deep dysregulation, not malice.
   
   
   • How dropping the expectation that “hurtful words won’t happen” fosters connection and healing.
   
   
   • The transformative work of exploring why certain behaviors hurt you, healing your own emotional wounds, and modeling resilience for your child.
   
   
   
   

This episode is filled with actionable strategies, personal reflections, and encouragement for parents navigating the complexities of dysregulated kids.

Time Stamps:

00:46 Understanding Dysregulation in Children

03:14 De-escalation and Co-regulation Strategies

10:16 Addressing Name Calling and Emotional Safety

18:39 Healing and Self-Reflection for Parents

20:38 Conclusion and Listener Engagement

Additional Resources:

• Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free! 


• Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward!


• Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdom

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The Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you! 

Transcript: 

  Welcome to the Low Demand Parenting Podcast, where we drop the pressure, find the joy, and thrive, even when it feels like life is stuck on level 12 hard. I'm Amanda Diekmann, author, autistic adult, and mom of three. I'm not here as an expert, but a fellow traveler. Together, we're learning how to live more gently, authentically, and vibrantly in this wild parenting life.

Today, we have a mailbag episode where I answer your questions about things that are concerning you, things that you're facing as a low demand family. In this mailbag episode, I'm responding to two questions about kids who are really dysregulated. We'll cover aggression and meltdowns and picking fights and calling names in this episode, but I just want to note that not all kids show their dysregulation through external behaviors.

This It is called externalizing, when we can see the fact that their nervous system is overtaxed, that they're having big feelings, that they don't have tools to manage, and when they're beyond their window of tolerance, basically a kid that's dysregulated, we see it on the outside in the way that they behave and act.

And many kids do this. They take their insides and they bring them outside and we can see it easily. Anyone can. But some kids are just as dysregulated. They're just as outside their window of tolerance. They're just in just as much pain on the inside. But rather than bringing it out, they will internalize their dysregulation.

They'll bring it out. inside their own bodies, often by controlling their bodies through perfectionism. It can result in eating disorders or self harm. And all of these internalizers are much harder to spot. Their dysregulation and is masking as a good kid who's doing just fine. And that is how they want to be perceived often.

And so it takes a really astute eye, whether you're a parent or a caregiver or a therapist or a teacher, it really takes a keen adult to sense a kid who's struggling and who's hiding their struggle. All of the responses and all of the ideas in this episode will still apply, even if you're Disregulated kid is imploding instead of exploding.

Let's get into the questions. We have a question about physical aggression against mother or against siblings and what to do. My first answer is always pay attention to the situation where it happened. Ask yourself, what was too hard for my child in this situation? How can I drop it next time so that we don't have this situation?

So that my child is not even escalated in the first place. Let's say you can't and it's already happening, which is what we call in the moment. So in the moment, there are two priorities. You're going to deescalate and co regulate. The principles of de escalate are that first you look and see, is there an obvious demand that I can drop that is too hard?

Let's say you're pushing your kid to get in the car and they are hitting you or their sibling on the sidewalk and screaming at you. It feels like there's a ton of pressure there because you've got a full grocery cart and the car is loaded up with frozen stuff and you need them to get in the car so you can get this stuff home.

It might seem really hard, but can you drop the demand that they get in the car at that moment? Part of the reason that we drop the demand in the moment is that your child is not capable of meeting this expectation and that continuing to hold it right now is only going to give you worse and worse options.

By dropping the demand, you back up to bad options, and that's where we want to go. That's the right direction. We've got worse, we've got bad, and then we can get to better. Better and good are all going to happen in prevention and proactive planning. Bad and worse is what happens in the moment. But you assess your options, you notice what is going to make this situation worse, what's going to make this situation better, and prioritize what matters most.

So the popsicles getting a little bit melty or your chicken thawing a bit is probably less significant in the moment than you getting hurt, your child running off in a crowded parking lot, or a sibling becoming traumatized. In those moments, sometimes it seems so desperate. I've got to get these groceries home.

You have got to get in this car. And holding the demand seems to make more sense, logically. But actually, when we bring our priorities online, and we bring our thinking brain back online, and we step out of autopilot, we can recognize what matters most, what actually matters most, and sacrifice the things that are less important.

Which in our hypothetical situation is our popsicles. You're gonna de escalate by dropping the demand that your child get in the car and instead allow them to cry or to flail or to whatever they need to do by letting the things that are too hard go. In the moment you tell your child, I see you, I see what you're struggling with.

I know what matters most. I will be your calm in the storm. I will let things go. And you are allowed to have this moment. You are allowed to have a hard time. I'm not going to hold it against you. In that moment, you do your own work to actually let those popsicles or that chicken or whatever it is.

That's your sacrificing to actually let it go. If you toss those items straight in the trash because it took a full hour and they're not good anymore, then that's okay. All of this is hypothetical, but I hope what you're hearing me say is that you let go of the demand that you're holding in the moment, look for how to