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More Real Than Tower Records

More Real Than Tower Records

Update: 2020-02-03


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  • Taking a bite out of a cartoon bird and leaving a tooth-shaped hole, like a cookie.

  • Empire Records now being more real than Tower Records.

  • Not remembering record stores.

  • Mowing your face into a lawn made of tiny green clones of you.

  • Trusting that in a couple years your record will be classic enough that dads will want it for Christmas.

  • Trying to glean philosophy and life lessons out of the Bible even if you don't believe it's real.

  • Trying to glean philosophy and life lessons out of Harry Potter even if you don't believe it's real.

  • Star Wars being more real than Tower Records.

  • Mixing methamphetamines and marriage.

  • Language changing to mean the thing people misunderstand it to mean.

  • Drinking tea and watching war as if it's a sport.

  • Wearing enormous flags so people can see at a glance how the battle is going.

  • Pantsed and unpantsed meaning the same thing.

  • The union of shells and the union of unshelledness.

  • The dude whose job it is to take homing pigeons away from home.

  • Homing pigeons basically being a rubber band.

  • Defcon attendees hacking the pigeon timestamp machine to win the pigeon race.

  • Buying a signed shot polisher from the guy who won the International Barista Championships.

  • Going to the barista gym up keep your skills up between barista gigs.

  • Coming back from your barista sabbatical and discovering all coffee is now made in node.js.

  • Not letting anyone else use the espresso machine you convinced management to pay for.

  • Being both a barista and a bard at GitHub.

  • Singing to GitHub employees a tale of the GitHub CEOs valor.

  • The Roman alphabet existing in the Star Wars universe.

  • Being a huge fan of Dyson spheres.

  • Shamefully burying your fanfic in the desert, like E.T.

  • Wanting to live in a pile of garbage.

  • Wanting to live in a desert house, but not in the desert itself.

  • Forming complex structures using simple rules.

  • Wizards just pooping on the ground and magicking it away.

  • Being furious when someone peels a banana wrong.

  • Orienting your toilet paper so it's harder for cats to unroll.

  • Cats sticking their paws under the door.

  • Being sad because the doors are too flush with the ground for a cat paw to say hi.

  • Bringing your guitar case to lure your cat admirer away from you.

  • Waking up screaming about raccoons.

  • A cat's ability to form a mental model of the world.

  • Unloading the front door from memory when you get to the second floor.

  • Never getting the dog you wanted so you get an iguana instead.

  • Waking up snuggling a cold handbag.

  • Whether lizards snuggle with sleeping deer in the wild.

  • Earnestly proposing a Utopia ruled by you and your friends.

  • Doing the Olympics naked being a week-long fad at best.

  • Soccer fandoms gaining political power and going to war with one another.

  • Soccer's popularity fading immediately after its invention, being just one of millions of microsports.

  • Going into the wrestling pit with a spring loaded revolver up your sleeve.

  • Voting somebody off the island of Earth.

  • Biting open your cell phone tooth and the liquid going into a mold in your stomach shaped like a cell phone and pooping out a cell phone.

  • There also being a mold for a cell tower in your stomach.

  • Being qualified to gatekeep a culture because you once dated someone of that culture.

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More Real Than Tower Records

More Real Than Tower Records

Jim Stormdancer