On Today’s Show:







Tim opens with a fresh intro explaining why you’re getting a classic instead of a new show:









* Weekend trip to visit his mom in Ashtabula turns into a rental car disaster







* Stranded with a busted rental, five-hour delay, and useless Enterprise locations







* Learns only airport rental counters are open on weekends







* Forced to drive home in a bright cherry red Kia Soul that doesn’t fit a 6’2″ man or his ego







* Promises a new DV episode later in the afternoon, but for now serves up a filthy Best Of from 2016 featuring an Abraham Lincoln Sextastic Tuesday









We then jump back to Tuesday, March 8, 2016, Sideshow-era Sextastic Tuesday.















Opening / Twitter & Period Blood









* Tim rants that Twitter is only good for yelling at companies, citing his Chipotle burrito bowl saga







* Reads a curated stream of disgusting sex tweets about period blood, wrecked pussies, and weird-smelling dicks to set the Sextastic mood

















Diva Cup Slam Poetry









* Plays a performance piece about Diva Cups and “pussy blood collections”







* Poets lovingly describe pouring menstrual blood into a “chalice” and even rubbing it on a boyfriend’s dick







* Tim pushes back: bodies are gross, blood is gross, genitals are gross — please keep all that to yourself

















Sextastic Clips: Tourette’s & Teeny Peenies









* Tourette’s porn: schoolgirl with Tourette’s shouting obscene phrases as her “spasms” conveniently slam her face into dick territory







* Chubby “sweet boy” porn: a massive, hairy man gets humiliating baby talk about his “little peenie” while his gut is lifted to find his dick, all set to bizarre children’s-style background music

















Sextastic Story: Abraham Lincoln Presidential Fuck Machine







Feature-length erotic fanfic starring Abraham Lincoln with magic cum:









* Abe wakes in 1863 with a raging erection and an itchy seven-point star birthmark on his thigh







* Skips Mary Todd and gets serviced by maid Martha, who deep-throats his nine-inch “birch rod” while he calmly sips tea and eats biscuits







* Later, Japanese emissary Takeyoshi reveals Lincoln is a chosen shinobi whose power comes from his loins







* A super-charged orgasm blasts through the White House wall and across the sky like a cum comet







* Abe then lubes up with breakfast butter, rails the ninja, and joins in a multi-man cabinet fuck session as everyone services everyone else







* Lincoln’s “powers” manifest through gigantic loads and a convulsing ninja asshole

















Sponsor









* AdamAndEve.com spot:



* Use coupon code FREAK for 10 free gifts + free shipping







* Tim begs you to buy smut and support DV





















News









* China Elevator Horror



* Woman dies trapped in a shut-down elevator; body discovered a month later







* Scratch marks inside show she tried to escape; Tim imagines the smell and rats.











* Punch-Your-Husband Women’s Day Event (China)