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Refrigerator Roy, or Stephanie I'm So Sorry

Refrigerator Roy, or Stephanie I'm So Sorry

Update: 2020-08-10
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  • Breaking format.

  • Representing Native Americans with integrity and dignity.

  • A video game that is full of surprises.

  • A baby who wants string cheese so much he pulls the entire handle off of the refrigerator.

  • Little walking chaos machines with a penchant for string cheese.

  • The story of why you don't have a phone.

  • Dying of dysentery because of string cheese.

  • Really getting the soap deep into that charging port.

  • A giant red school bus but instead of seats it has bookshelves.

  • Bookshelves with seat belts.

  • A very serious version of the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile.

  • A small town with a population of 300 where nobody sees each other except for once a month when the bookmobile visits.

  • A literacy earthquake.

  • A therapy goat that doesn't have any paperwork because you just discovered that being around the goat makes you less anxious.

  • Spreading hay all over the conference room and letting the guinea pigs loose.

  • Guinea pigs who are not embraced by the community at large.

  • Goats and libraries being natural enemies.

  • An enormous encyclopedia flying at your head every time you hit a bump in the road.

  • Small children encircling the Bookmobile and chanting because they are excited for books.

  • Lust for literacy.

  • Removing the governor from your riding mower and driving it over an obstacle course at 90mph.

  • Dividing your lawnmower races into weight classes.

  • Souping up your eight foot chainsaw and every child in town immediately crying when you turn it on because your Hot Saw is so loud.

  • Taking your three year old to see Jaws.

  • Sleeping through Alien (1979) as a six month old shaping your creative direction forever.

  • Buying a corn dog the length of your femur.

  • A corn dog that is so long that you can't hold it and put it in your mouth at the same time.

  • Putting down a blue tarp because it's Washington and everything is done with blue tarps.

  • Covering a tarp with dishwashing liquid and then putting kids in full body rubber tubes and goggles with slug antenna and making them race.

  • Making your slug race medal out of a metal that is constantly slimy.

  • Negotiating getting a minifridge with your future roommate.

  • The special kind of organism that can overcome a plant's defenses to live inside of it.

  • A moth living in your fridge and your husband is like "that's not my moth."

  • Not being able to release your refrigerator moth into the wild because you don't know that biome it came from.

  • Finding out what parts of your diet you share with the moth in your fridge.

  • A symphony of Roys.

  • The ant colony that has entirely taken over the bathroom who are all named Roy.

  • The amount of biomass required to observe you pooping before you'll get embarrassed.

  • Giving a Lordy award to Refrigerator Roy.

  • Whether what a given charity uses your money for is even that effective in the grand scheme of things.

  • Not feeling the need to donate to the charity of the week because you've already given money to an organization addressing the systemic causes of the problem.

  • Receiving more donations in a week than you have in the past 10 years and not having any idea what to do with the money.

  • Giving money to the folks in the office passing the hat around, then finding out that they're using the money to go on vacation.

  • Grocery stores gauging your level of disposable income by asking you to make charitable donations at checkout.

  • Libraries shifting from providing people books they ought to read, to providing people with porn.

  • Judging porn by its cover.

  • Recommending Hot Cops without reading it yourself.

  • Bodice rippers written in the 90s starting a romantic relationship with a rape, but modern bodice rippers depicting explicit conversations about consent.

  • Treating every request with dignity because if you have a cranky day you immediately lose the trust of the community.

  • A middle-aged woman from a conservative community trusting you enough to ask for porn recommendations.

  • A feud in the garden club about the etymology of the Purple Prussian Potato.

  • Coming in every week to ask the librarians how the Purple Prussian Potato got its name when it predates Prussia.

  • A librarian getting through the terrible parts of their job so they can focus on the ridiculous potato question somebody asked.

  • "Unicorn Butt Cops Beach Patrol" doing what it says on the tin.

  • Having to sleep in the same tent as your field assistant for months, but not being able to be friends with them because then they won't take orders.

  • Calling a friend who is a manager at a food processing plant to ask for advice on de-conflicting your field assistants who are constantly blowing up at each other.

  • Hiring field assistants to measure bird populations for eight months, but instead of counting birds they write a critically acclaimed album about the North Carolina landscape and wildlife.

  • All these problems going away if you just had a budget to hire people.

  • Having to carry twice as much water because the adrenaline jockey rushing ahead of you thinks he won't need any water.

  • Measuring plants for 14 hours a day.

  • LI-COR machines that measure leaf respiration.

  • Coming back from your field work after six months and your friends gave up on you because they haven't been able to call you on the phone.

  • The exhaustion of having to be in charge all the time because you live with your employees.

  • Refusing to go to town for pizza because you can't afford to be friends with your employees.

  • Realizing you're becoming somebody's dinner party story.

  • Developing OCD in your first quarter of college and your roommate moving out because you don't have any coping strategies yet.

  • Your time to blossom and find other weirdos like yourself, except it turns out even the weirdos don't want to know you.

  • Discovering that you are crazy in your first year of college and then having to figure out how to navigate this country's broken mental health system while crazy.

  • Maintaining totally symmetrical stimulus on the left and right sides of your body.

  • Steamboat captains obsessed with navigating exactly down the middle of the Mississippi river.

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Refrigerator Roy, or Stephanie I'm So Sorry

Refrigerator Roy, or Stephanie I'm So Sorry

Jim Stormdancer