Relationship Agreements: A Powerful Way to Deepen Love & Lessen Conflict | Krista & Will Van Derveer
1Digest
This podcast delves into the concept of "sacred guardrails" or relationship agreements, advocating for a shift from an "I-operating system" to a "we-operating system." Krista and Will Van Der Veer share their journey of developing explicit agreements, drawing from past relationship challenges and a desire to create partnerships that serve a larger purpose. They critique traditional, often inherited, relationship guidelines, emphasizing the need for intentional agreement creation to foster extraordinary partnerships. The discussion highlights how agreements, rather than stifling passion, can enhance it by promoting presence and intentionality. Key agreements explored include "gamble everything for love," "abundant repair," and "seeing each other with fresh eyes," with practical tools like the "Somatic Couch Tool" for co-regulation during conflict. The importance of curiosity, embracing change, and aligning agreements with a shared vision are also emphasized, offering guidance for couples to start creating their own agreements by identifying breakdowns and defining their collective purpose.
Outlines
Introduction to Sacred Relationship Agreements and the "We-Operating System"
The podcast introduces the concept of shifting from an "I-operating system" to a "we-operating system" in relationships by creating "sacred guardrails" or agreements to foster thriving partnerships. This approach is rooted in personal experiences and a desire for intentional connection.
The Evolution of Relationship Agreements: From Past Lessons to Shared Vision
Krista and Will share how their backgrounds and past relationship challenges led them to develop explicit agreements. They discuss their shared vision of creating a service-oriented partnership, moving beyond a private "love oasis" to one that impacts the world, stemming from the need to overcome limitations of inherited guidelines.
Personal Journeys and the Goal of Service-Oriented Unions
Guests share personal experiences, including loss and past relationship challenges, that fueled their desire for extraordinary partnerships. They highlight the rarity of couples aiming to create relationships that impact others beyond themselves, emphasizing the power of a "we-operating system" for collective achievement.
Crafting Explicit Agreements for Enhanced Passion and Growth
The discussion focuses on the mechanics of creating relationship agreements, explaining how formal agreements can enhance, rather than diminish, magic and passion by fostering presence and intentionality. Agreements are presented as catalysts for personal growth, not punishment, serving individuals, the partnership, and the collective "we."
Tailoring Agreements to Shared Vision and Abundant Repair
Agreements should support a couple's shared vision, whether for comfort, family, or business. The importance of "abundant repair" after conflict is discussed, focusing on restoring somatic closeness and turning conflict into an opportunity for deeper connection, going beyond mere intellectual agreement.
The Body's Intelligence in Somatic Repair and Healing
The conversation delves into the somatic experience of repair, contrasting it with cognitive resolution. Guests emphasize trusting the body's signals for true completion and the commitment to co-creating and healing each other's "wounded parts" for collective well-being.
Principles of Effective Agreements and "Gamble Everything for Love"
Key principles for effective agreements include mutual understanding, applicability, mutuality, fairness, and justice. The agreement "gamble everything for love" is explored, signifying vulnerability and risk-taking to build the desired partnership, addressing fears and desires openly.
Abundant Repair, Co-Regulation Tools, and Skill Development
The agreement to "repair ruptures abundantly and stay in conversation" is further explored with practical tools like the "Somatic Couch Tool" for co-regulation. This technique calms the nervous system, facilitating productive dialogue and emphasizing the need to develop skills to honor agreements.
The Challenge of "Fresh Eyes" and Navigating Change
The agreement to "see each other with fresh eyes every day" is identified as the most challenging, requiring a discipline of curiosity to combat the brain's tendency to automate. The fear of change in partners is discussed, emphasizing the balance between security and the adventure of accepting life's constant evolution.
Starting Agreements and Defining a Couple's Purpose
For those new to agreements, the advice is to start by identifying recurring breakdowns. An alternative is to define the couple's shared vision and purpose. The conversation concludes by acknowledging the tension between stasis and growth, and defining a "good life" through deep connection and ambitious goals.
Keywords
We-Operating System
A relational framework emphasizing collaboration, shared goals, and mutual support over individualistic priorities. It shifts focus from "I" to "we," fostering deeper connection and collective achievement in partnerships.
Sacred Guardrails
Explicit agreements or boundaries established within a relationship to ensure its health, growth, and longevity. These act as guiding principles for navigating challenges and maintaining connection.
Abundant Repair
A relationship practice focused on thoroughly resolving conflicts and misunderstandings until a deep sense of somatic safety and closeness is re-established, strengthening the bond rather than just ending the argument.
Somatic Couch Tool
A co-regulation technique where one partner lies on a couch, and the other lies on top, breathing together to calm the nervous system during conflict, facilitating a return to a regulated state for productive conversation.
Gamble Everything for Love
An agreement to prioritize love and the relationship by being willing to be vulnerable, take risks, express desires, and address difficult truths, even when uncomfortable or potentially leading to conflict.
Fresh Eyes Agreement
The practice of approaching one's partner daily with curiosity and openness, recognizing their continuous growth and evolution, rather than relying on past assumptions or habitual perceptions.
Co-create and Co-responsibility
The principle that partners jointly create all outcomes, both positive and negative, and share responsibility for healing each other's wounded parts, fostering a deeply supportive and integrated relationship.
Relationship Agreements
Intentional, explicit commitments made between partners to guide their interactions, foster growth, and ensure the health and longevity of their relationship.
Somatic Intelligence
The awareness and utilization of bodily sensations and signals as a means of understanding and resolving emotional and relational issues, particularly in conflict resolution and repair.
Curiosity in Relationships
A conscious and disciplined practice of approaching one's partner with openness and a desire to understand their evolving self, counteracting assumptions and fostering deeper connection.
Q&A
What is the core difference between an "I-operating system" and a "we-operating system" in relationships?
An "I-operating system" prioritizes individual needs and perspectives, often leading to assumptions and simmering tensions. A "we-operating system," conversely, emphasizes collaboration, shared goals, and mutual support, actively creating agreements to foster connection and collective growth.
How can relationship agreements, often seen as restrictive, actually enhance passion and connection?
Explicit agreements foster presence and intentionality. By committing to practices like seeing each other with fresh eyes or engaging in abundant repair, partners remain actively engaged, preventing the automation and disconnection that can stifle passion over time.
What is the "Somatic Couch Tool," and how does it work to resolve conflict?
The Somatic Couch Tool involves one partner lying on a couch while the other lies on top, breathing together. This physical connection and shared rhythm activate the parasympathetic nervous system, promoting relaxation and co-regulation, allowing for calmer communication about the conflict's content.
Why is the agreement to "see each other with fresh eyes every day" considered the hardest to honor?
It's challenging because our brains naturally conserve energy by automating perceptions and assuming we know our partner. This agreement requires a conscious, disciplined practice of curiosity to recognize each person's ongoing evolution and avoid falling into habitual, potentially dismissive, views.
How can couples start creating their own relationship agreements?
Begin by identifying recurring breakdowns or "stuck" areas in the relationship. Analyze individual and shared actions in these moments and consider what agreements could help navigate these challenges more effectively, supporting the couple's shared vision.
Show Notes
Want a deeper, more secure, fiercely connected relationship? Then, you’ll want to check out the power of relationship agreements.
In this episode, we sit down with Krista and Dr. Will Van Derveer. Will is a psychiatrist and author of the book Psychedelic Therapy, and Krista is a Relational Leadership Educator who helps partnerships move from the "I Operating System" to a "We Operating System."
We explore:
- How to craft your own sacred relationship agreements that keep bringing you back to love, no matter how much friction your find yourself in.
- The wildly surprising "Couch Time" technique that uses mammal-to-mammal co-regulation to stop a heated argument in 60 seconds.
- A simple shift in perspective that allows you to stop seeing your partner as a "fixed object" and start seeing them with fresh eyes.
- The "Abundant Repair" protocol for ensuring you never go to bed with tension still lingering in your body.
- Why most "implicit" agreements fail and how to write down the 24 sacred guardrails that protect your connection.
If you are tired of the same old arguments and want a relationship that actually empowers your individual potential, this conversation is for you. Click play to learn how to transform your partnership into a powerhouse of growth.
You can find Krista & Will at: The Art of We | Get the Top 10 Relationship Agreements | Episode Transcript
Next week, we're sharing a really meaningful conversation with Dr. Deepika Chopra about toxic positivity and how to be optimistic without tipping into delusion, distraction, or even harm.
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