In this episode of The Low Demand Parenting Podcast, Amanda Diekman breaks down why the dominant parenting paradigm of rewards and punishments isn’t serving our kids—or us. Grounded in brain science and personal insight, Amanda shares how focusing on connection and attunement unlocks long-term trust, regulation, and growth in our children. Through real-life examples and a compassionate lens, Amanda encourages parents to step away from control-based strategies and embrace the transformative power of safety and belonging.

Low Demand Reset: Reflect, Release, Realign
 

A gentle guide to closing the year with intention and compassion.

Get yours here: www.amandadiekman.com/reset

Key takeaways include:

• Why rewards and punishments miss the mark.


• The science of behavior as communication.


• Shifting from “earning love” to modeling unconditional connection.


• Practical strategies for supporting dysregulated children.

Additional Resources:

• Low Demand Reset (Free Gift): www.amandadiekman.com/reset


• Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free! 


• Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward!


• Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdom

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The Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you! 

Transcript: 

Welcome to the Low Demand Parenting Podcast, where we drop the pressure, find the joy, and thrive, even when life feels stuck on level 12 hard. I'm Amanda Diekman, author, autistic adult, and mom of three. I'm not here as an expert, but a fellow traveler. Together, we're learning how to live more gently, authentically, and vibrantly in this wild parenting life.

Before we dive in, I want to share a free gift I’ve created for you as we move from one year to the next. It’s called the Low Demand Reset — a gentle, reflective mini-course designed to help you release expectations, let go of what’s no longer serving you, and realign with what matters most. It’s free and available in the show notes or at amandadiekman.com/reset. I hope it brings you clarity, compassion, and a fresh start.

The Dominant Paradigm: Punishments and Rewards

The dominant parenting paradigm many of us inherited is rooted in punishment and reward. Even if we’ve decided not to follow this path, it’s still the framework shaping much of modern parenting.

At its core, punishment-and-reward parenting is built on the belief that kids need external incentives to behave well. This system assumes that the primary things children lack are motivation and self-control. Rewards and punishments are used to manipulate their behavior toward desired results. Children are often labeled as manipulative, but really, this system is designed to manipulate children into compliance.

These rewards and punishments can be straightforward, like sticker charts, prize boxes, time-outs, or spanking. They can also be more subtle, like approval or disapproval, giving or withholding attention, or ignoring behaviors. For instance, if you’ve ever worried that comforting your child during a tantrum might ‘reinforce’ the behavior, or been told that ‘giving in’ will teach them bad habits, you’ve encountered this paradigm.

The belief underpinning this system is that kids only do well when they want to, and that it’s a parent’s job to teach control by making it more pleasant to do the “right” thing and unpleasant to do the “wrong” thing. But brain science tells us otherwise.

What Brain Science Teaches Us

Brain science shows us that behaviors, especially those we consider “negative”—hitting, screaming, whining, shutting down, hyperactivity—are stress behaviors. They indicate a brain system under stress.

Punishments and rewards don’t address the root cause of these stress behaviors. Instead, they often exacerbate the problem. The number one factor that helps children regulate and thrive is attunement and connection with a trusted adult. This connection activates their brain’s reward centers and fosters safety, which is the foundation for behavioral change.

Longitudinal studies confirm that having a connected, attuned adult is the most critical factor in a child’s long-term positive development. When children feel safe and connected, their brains can access creativity, courage, executive functioning, and the ability to try again. Disconnection—through punishment, disapproval, or ignoring—leads to negative outcomes in both brain development and long-term well-being.

When the Reward and Punishment Mentality Shows Up

This mentality can show up in surprising ways. Let’s say your child struggles with school avoidance, or as we often call it, “school can’t.” You might think, “If I make staying home comfortable, they’ll never want to go back. I need to make it unpleasant for them here at home.”

Or during a meltdown, you might feel torn: “I can’t comfort my child right now because they’ll learn that throwing tantrums gets my attention.” This fear—that by connecting with your child in hard moments you’ll reinforce unwanted behavior—is rooted in the punishment-and-reward paradigm.

These thoughts are deeply ingrained in us. We’ve been taught that humans are motivated by pleasure and avoidance of pain, and that it’s our job as parents to manipulate these motivators. But this lens is not only unhelpful; it’s often harmful.

Shifting the Lens: Connection Over Control

The most transformative aspect of low demand parenting is not just dropping demands. It’s creating space for safety, trust, connection, and acceptance. These elements are the real drivers of change in our relationships and our children’s behavior.

Consider the mantra, Kids do well when they can. This simple truth shifts our focus from trying to control behavior to understanding the unmet needs and lagging skills driving it. Behavior makes sense when viewed through the lens of a child’s circumstances, neurobiology, and nervous system. This understanding fosters empathy and helps us meet our children where they are.

For instance, if a child’s behavior stems from hunger, tiredness, or sensory overwhelm, punishment won’t solve the issue. Addressing the core need will. Similarly, a meltdown is a sign of dysregulation, not manipulation. The best response is attunement—helping the child feel safe and connected so they can return to regulation.

Unlearning the Punishment and Reward Paradigm

Unlearning this paradigm takes time. It’s seductive because it offers a neat explanation of behavior and a sense of control. But as we shift our mindset, we begin to see that the goal isn’t to manipulate behav