What would it look like for Black adoptees, their adoptive parents, and their birth families to be free? Free from generational trauma. Free from secrets. Free from societal expectations. Free from what can be viewed as hypocrisy from the Black church. With this freedom comes responsibility, and Black women often find themselves at a crossroads of choosing themselves and attending to the needs of others.

In this episode, Deesha Philyaw, author of The Secret Lives of Church Ladies gets as honest and vulnerable as anyone can get. After experiencing secondary infertility, she and her then husband decide against fertility treatments, and pursue an adoption journey. As she navigates the process, she reminds herself that her child is not “sitting in a cabbage patch.”  Her daughter had/has a family, and the bittersweet mixture of happiness, grief, and loss cannot be overstated.

One day, Deesha takes inventory of her life and acknowledges her own unhappiness. Deesha’s up-bringing in the Evangelical church implores her to abide by doctrine, because, “God doesn’t like divorce.” She decides NOT to play by the rules, and ultimately co-creates a healthy parenting plan (and a book!) with her ex-husband. Getting real about the complexities of adoption AND divorce, has resulted in liberated parenting.

As a bonus, we explored  The Secret Lives of Church Ladies – a beautiful homage to Black women’s stories. Deesha reminds us how telling our stories, even when they’re “messy” may release oneself from their burdens. There is power in our voices and putting pen to paper. It’s a start to engaging in our own self-discovery process where we are FREE to pursue who we are without interference.

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RECOMMENDED ADOPTION RESOURCES

• READ: It's Not About You: Understanding Adoptee Search, Reunion, and Open Adoption by Brooke Randolph


• READ: Co-parenting 101: Helping Your Kids Thrive in Two Households after Divorce by Deesha Philyaw and Michael Thomas


• @blackadopteesupportgroup

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