TPP 490: Debbie & Sheryl Stoller Explore What to Do When Our Own Fear Gets in the Way
Digest
This episode explores the profound impact of parental anxiety on children, particularly those who are neurodivergent. It highlights that children often sense and fear their parents' anxieties about their future, underscoring the importance of parents managing their own emotional and nervous system regulation. Strategies discussed include validating children's struggles, "right-sizing" fears by distinguishing between real and imagined threats, using imagination constructively, and building a history of the child's successes. The conversation emphasizes the role of community support, compassion, empathy, and self-awareness in navigating these challenges, promoting continuous growth for both parents and children.
Outlines
The Impact of Parental Anxiety on Children and Nervous System Regulation
This episode delves into how parental fear and anxiety significantly affect children, especially neurodivergent ones. It stresses the importance of parents managing their own emotions and nervous system regulation to provide a secure environment. Children can perceive and be frightened by their parents' anxieties, impacting their sense of security and potential. Strategies include empathy, validation, and community support to overcome fear and foster resilience.
Managing Fears and Responding to Children's Distress
This section focuses on practical strategies for managing anxiety by differentiating between real dangers and imagined threats, using imagination positively, and "right-sizing" worries. It also provides guidance for parents on how to remain a calm presence when their child expresses intense fears, emphasizing emotional regulation and separating their own reactions from their child's experience. The concept of an "emotional digestive system" is introduced, encouraging parents to acknowledge and process their own feelings.
Addressing Deep Fears, Personal Journeys, and Building Hope
The discussion addresses parents' deep fears for their child's future, highlighting the need for community support and safe spaces to process these emotions. Cheryl shares her personal journey of managing anxiety through nature and reframing fear as growth. The importance of validating a child's struggles while holding onto hope, offering compassion, empathy, and confidence in their abilities is stressed. Building a history of the child's successes reinforces their inner strength.
Continuous Growth, Community, and Episode Resources
This concluding section emphasizes that parenting is an ongoing process of learning and growth, underscoring the vital role of community, self-compassion, and consistent presence. It also provides information on accessing show notes, resources, the Differently Wired Club, and supporting the podcast.
Keywords
Parental Anxiety
The state of worry, nervousness, or unease felt by a parent, often related to their child's well-being, development, or future. It can impact parenting styles and family dynamics.
Neurodivergent Child
Refers to a child whose brain functions differ from what is considered typical. This can include conditions like ADHD, autism, dyslexia, and others, requiring tailored support and understanding.
Emotional Regulation
The ability to understand, manage, and express one's emotions in healthy ways. For parents, it's crucial for responding calmly to challenging situations with their children.
Nervous System Regulation
The process of maintaining balance within the body's nervous system. For parents, regulating their own nervous system helps them remain a calm and steady presence for their children.
Validation
The act of acknowledging and accepting another person's feelings or experiences as legitimate. In parenting, it means recognizing and affirming a child's emotions without judgment.
Right-Sizing Fears
A technique to assess and manage anxieties by distinguishing between realistic threats and imagined worries, thereby reducing their perceived intensity and impact.
Community Support
The network of individuals and groups that provide emotional, practical, and informational assistance. For parents of neurodivergent children, community offers validation and shared experience.
Child's Imagination
The mental faculty of forming new ideas, images, or concepts not present to the senses. In parenting, it can be a source of fear or a tool for resilience and positive reframing.
Self-Awareness
Conscious knowledge of one's own character, feelings, motives, and desires. For parents, it is essential for understanding and managing their emotional responses.
Hope
A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. In parenting, maintaining hope for a child's future is crucial for their well-being and development.
Q&A
How does parental anxiety directly impact children, especially neurodivergent ones?
Parental anxiety can be perceived by children, making them feel insecure or afraid for their own future. This can hinder their confidence and willingness to explore or take risks, as they may internalize their parent's fears.
What is the significance of a parent regulating their own nervous system when dealing with a child's distress?
Regulating one's nervous system allows parents to act as a calm, steady presence. This helps de-escalate the child's distress, prevents the parent from reacting defensively, and models healthy emotional coping for the child.
How can parents validate their child's struggles without getting overwhelmed by their own fears?
Parents can validate by acknowledging the difficulty of the situation (“I understand this is hard for you”) while maintaining their own perspective. They can also remind themselves and their child that difficult phases are temporary and that they have confidence in their child's resilience.
What role does community play in helping parents manage their fears for their children?
Community provides a safe space for parents to share their fears and feel understood, reducing isolation. It offers validation, shared experiences, and practical support, reminding parents they are not alone in their struggles.
How can parents use their child's imagination as a strength when dealing with fear?
Instead of letting imagination fuel fear, parents can help children (and themselves) use it constructively. This involves reframing worries, visualizing positive outcomes, and finding creative ways to resource oneself during anxious moments.
What does "right-sizing fears" mean in the context of parenting neurodivergent children?
It means evaluating whether a fear is an immediate, present danger or an imagined "what-if" scenario. By distinguishing between the two, parents can reduce the power of their anxieties and respond more effectively to their child's actual needs.
How can parents build a sense of success and capability in children who are struggling?
Parents can help by acknowledging past successes, even small ones, and reminding children of their inherent strengths. Statements like “I wonder how you got yourself through X” can plant seeds of self-belief and resilience.
What is the concept of an "emotional digestive system" in parenting?
It refers to the process of acknowledging and processing emotions, much like digesting food. It encourages parents to allow difficult feelings to move through their system rather than suppressing them, finding healthy outlets for release.
Show Notes
Today we’re exploring something so many of us wrestle with but don’t
always name out loud — the impact of our own fear and anxiety on our
kids. I was actually about to record a solo episode when my friend and
colleague Sheryl Stoller sent me an email, and the sentiment behind it
stayed with me because it put into such simple, clear language the real
impact our fears about their future, their potential, their lives, can
have on our kids. In this short bite-sized conversation, we’ll talk
about how parental anxiety shapes family dynamics, why regulating our
own nervous systems is such a powerful gift we can offer our kids, and
how empathy, validation, and community support can help us move from
fear toward connection.
About Sheryl
Sheryl Stoller is a PCI Certified Parent Coach® who has devoted
herself to coaching overwrought parents of children whose abilities,
sensibilities, and behaviors go beyond expectations (gifted,
twice/multi-exceptional) since 2009. This is a personal journey as well
as an academic and professional one for Sheryl. She is deeply gratified
to serve parents the way she had needed when her children were young.
Sheryl integrates many fields of knowledge and training into her
coaching. Most recently, she is receiving her Somatic Attachment Therapy
Certification; and is a Positive Intelligence (PI) Mental Fitness
Coach, through Shirzad Chamine out of Stanford University. Sheryl
Co-Leads two communities of practice for PI – Parents and Families, and
Neurodiversity; and has received rave reviews for her customization of
PI for her “Aligned Parents” and “Get Mental and Emotional Fitness”
Group programs for 2E parents. Connect with Sheryl at:
sheryl@stollerparentcoaching.com
Things you’ll learn from this episode:
- How fear in parents can show up as anxiety — and how children often absorb and mirror that energy
- Why managing our own fears is one of the most powerful ways we can support our kids
- How empathy and validation create safety even when anxiety is present
- Why remembering that everything is impermanent can help parents regain perspective
- How focusing on past successes builds a child’s confidence and counters fear-based narratives
- Why community, positive imagination, and ongoing learning remind parents they’re not alone in this journey
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