If your relationship is stuck in a painful communication breakdown, I want you to know you’re not crazy and you’re not alone. In this episode, I’m sharing how the right solution-focused therapy techniques can start shifting the energy between you, even if things feel really bad right now.

I’m joined by solution-focused brief psychotherapist and author of Change Your Questions, Change Your Future, Elliott Connie, and we’re talking about why endlessly analyzing what went wrong rarely creates the change you’re craving. Instead, we look at how hope, better questions, and small, intentional acts of love can reopen doors that you were pretty sure were slammed shut: from a “hopeless” divorced couple who ended up with ten beautiful years of remarried life, to the quiet experiment of really studying your partner and giving them more of what you know makes them feel loved. Along the way, we wrestle with the hard stuff too: blame, “I’m the victim here,” boundaries vs. checking out, and whether you’re people-pleasing or simply showing up as the kind of partner you want to be.

As you listen, I’d love for you to ask yourself: If hope came back into this relationship, what would actually be different between us? And who do I want to be in that story?

Episode Breakdown:

00:00 Why Relationships Really Fail: Losing Hope, Not Love

01:19 Solution-Focused Therapy vs Traditional Couples Counseling

06:03 Insight vs Healing: Why Understanding the Problem Won’t Fix Your Relationship

10:48 How Hope Heals Relationships: The Most Important Ingredient in Change

15:36 Court-Ordered Co-Parents to Remarried: Elliot Connie’s “Finding Nemo” Case Study

22:19 Ending the Blame Game: Taking Personal Responsibility in Marriage Conflicts

27:09 Try This Tonight: Small Acts of Love That Rebuild Emotional Connection

32:02 Is Your Partner Reciprocating? How to Read the Signs and What to Do Next

34:23 Change Your Questions, Change Your Future in Love and Relationships

36:51 Making Your Partner’s Happiness Your Job Without Losing Yourself

41:35 People-Pleasing, Boundaries, and Knowing When a Relationship Is Unhealthy

44:54 How to Get More Help for Your Relationship and Personal Growth

If this conversation is bringing a particular argument or painful cycle to mind and you can feel your body tense up at the thought of talking about it, I created something to walk alongside you. My Communication That Connects training is where I take you deeper into the heart of this work: the real issues that drive conflict, the evidence-based do’s and don’ts of communication that creates connection instead of distance, and a clear framework you can start using with your partner right away. 

And if you’re at the point where you’re thinking, “We cannot keep doing this by ourselves,” I would be truly honored to support you more directly. At Growing Self, you can tell us what’s going on, what you’ve already tried, and what you’re hoping for, and we’ll thoughtfully connect you with the right therapist or coach on my team. It’s a private, secure way to say, “Here’s what I’m struggling with,” and get matched with someone who can walk through this with you, step by step. You can begin that process by scheduling a consultation.

You deserve a relationship where hard conversations are survivable, you feel heard and cherished, and love feels like a safe place to land. 💗

xoxo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Growing Self