Digest

This episode features an in-depth interview with Jessica Fern, a psychotherapist specializing in trauma and relationships. The conversation delves into attachment styles, consensual non-monogamy, and polyamory, exploring the complexities and benefits of opening up relationships. Fern emphasizes the importance of understanding attachment styles in navigating non-monogamous relationships, highlighting how they can impact security and communication. She also discusses the challenges and awakenings that often accompany transitioning to a non-monogamous lifestyle, including paradigm shifts, the exposure of relationship cracks, and the liberation of sexuality and self-discovery. Fern shares her personal journey with consensual non-monogamy, including her experiences with her husband, David, and the evolution of their relationship. She also addresses the misconceptions surrounding polyamory and its role in reshaping family dynamics and our understanding of family structures. The episode concludes with a discussion about the future of consensual non-monogamy, including the need for legal recognition and the importance of self-awareness and community support.

Outlines

00:00:00

Introduction

This Chapter introduces the episode's topic: a conversation with Jessica Fern, a renowned psychotherapist, trauma and relationship expert, and author, about attachment styles, consensual non-monogamy, polyamory, and the challenges and awakenings that come from opening up relationships.

00:02:01

Jessica Fern's Journey

This Chapter delves into Jessica Fern's professional and personal journey, highlighting her shift from conflict resolution and mediation to psychotherapy and her focus on working with non-monogamous couples. Fern explains how she became interested in non-monogamy and the lack of resources available for therapists and couples dealing with this topic. She also defines key terms like consensual non-monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships, outlining the spectrum of non-monogamous styles.

00:07:01

Attachment Styles and Non-Monogamy

This Chapter explores the connection between attachment styles and consensual non-monogamy. Fern explains the importance of understanding attachment styles in navigating non-monogamous relationships, highlighting how they can impact security and communication. She provides a brief primer on attachment theory, outlining the different attachment styles and their origins. Fern also discusses how attachment styles developed in childhood can influence our expectations and experiences in adult relationships.

00:11:52

Structural Security and Relational Security

This Chapter examines the concept of structural security in consensual non-monogamy. Fern explains how the removal of the structure of monogamy can expose underlying insecurities and the importance of building relational security. She emphasizes the need for emotional safety and security within relationships, regardless of the structure.

00:15:45

Challenges and Awakenings of Opening Up Relationships

This Chapter explores the challenges and awakenings that often accompany transitioning to a non-monogamous lifestyle. Fern discusses the paradigm shift required, the exposure of relationship cracks, and the potential for codependency to emerge. She also highlights the transformative experiences that can occur, including self-discovery, liberation of sexuality, and a deeper understanding of love and family.

00:30:28

Consensual Non-Monogamy as a Sexual Orientation

This Chapter addresses the question of whether consensual non-monogamy can be considered a sexual orientation. Fern acknowledges the spectrum of experiences, from those who identify as polyamorous by orientation to those who choose non-monogamy as a lifestyle choice. She draws parallels to dietary choices, highlighting how both can be both a preference and a necessity for some individuals.

00:32:40

The Rise of Consensual Non-Monogamy

This Chapter explores the reasons behind the growing visibility and acceptance of consensual non-monogamy. Fern connects this trend to broader social movements, including women's rights, gay rights, and trans rights, which have challenged traditional power structures and binaries. She also discusses the impact of societal changes, such as the increasing divorce rate and the need for alternative family structures.

Keywords

Q&A

• What are some of the key challenges that people face when transitioning to a non-monogamous lifestyle?

  Some of the biggest challenges include making a paradigm shift from monogamy, dealing with the exposure of relationship cracks, navigating power dynamics and communication, and addressing codependency. It can also be difficult to manage the complexities of multiple relationships and the potential for emotional dysregulation.

• What are some of the awakenings and benefits that people experience when they open up their relationships?

  Many people report experiencing a profound awakening of the self, feeling more authentic and liberated in their sexuality and their ability to love. They also often find a greater sense of support and connection within their chosen family, as well as a deeper understanding of love and family structures.

• How does understanding attachment styles help in navigating non-monogamous relationships?

  Attachment styles play a crucial role in how we approach relationships, including non-monogamous ones. Understanding our own attachment style and those of our partners can help us identify potential challenges, communicate more effectively, and build stronger, more secure connections.

• What is the difference between structural security and relational security in non-monogamous relationships?

  Structural security refers to the external factors that provide a sense of stability and safety, such as living together, having shared finances, or having children. Relational security, on the other hand, is based on the emotional connection, trust, and support within the relationship itself. While structural security can be helpful, it's important to cultivate relational security as well, as it provides a deeper sense of safety and well-being.

• Can consensual non-monogamy be considered a sexual orientation?

  While some people identify as polyamorous or non-monogamous by orientation, others choose this lifestyle for various reasons, such as personal growth, exploration, or a desire for greater freedom. It's important to acknowledge the spectrum of experiences and respect individual choices.

• Why is consensual non-monogamy becoming more prevalent in our culture?

  The rise of consensual non-monogamy is connected to broader social movements that have challenged traditional power structures and binaries. It's also influenced by societal changes, such as the increasing divorce rate and the need for alternative family structures.

• How is consensual non-monogamy reshaping our understanding of family?

  Consensual non-monogamy is leading to a shift towards a more inclusive and flexible understanding of family. It allows individuals to create families of choice, based on shared values and support, rather than traditional blood ties. This includes blended families, chosen family members, and intergenerational support systems.

• What are some of the legal and societal challenges that need to be addressed in relation to consensual non-monogamy?

  There is a need for greater legal recognition and protection for polyamorous individuals and relationships. This includes addressing issues such as multiple legal marriages, group insurance, and the legal complexities of divorce and inheritance in polyamorous families.

• Why is self-awareness so important in navigating non-monogamous relationships?

  Self-awareness is crucial for understanding our own needs, boundaries, and values, which is essential for navigating the complexities of multiple relationships. It also helps us to manage emotional dysregulation and build healthy relationships with ourselves and others.

• What advice would you give to someone who is considering opening up their relationship to non-monogamy?

  Go slow, find community support, and prioritize self-awareness and emotional security. It's also important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner, set clear boundaries, and respect each other's needs and desires.

Show Notes