Communication: “the exchanging of information, ideas, and emotions with others.”

We all want to effectively communicate, but sometimes we don’t know how! We interpret a message wrong from someone we love or we are misunderstood in something we are trying to share with a friend. Communication is hard but is key to any and all relationships! We can all do better!

This episode will walk you through why the intent and the interpretation of the message are more important than the message itself. The episode also gives tips on how to communicate more effectively. At the end of the episode, there are three questions to ask yourself when communicating something important:

Think:

1. Is what I’m saying valuable and important?


2. 
   

   Is what I’m saying useful or helpful?

   
   


3. 
   

   Is what I’m saying or interpreting actually true?

   
   

For more, listen to the episode below!

Think about one person to try these tips and tricks with! Practice effective communication and then let me know how it goes in the comments below!

Resources:

The 90 Percent Agreement Rule

Better Communicate With Your Children

Communication With Your Body

Podcast Transcript:

Communication is something we all do and we can all learn to do better. Am I right? How many times do we think we are clear and then we find out whatever message we tried to write or tried to say was completely misunderstood?

Communication used to be one of my biggest anxiety triggers. I was always so paranoid how people would interpret what I would say, that I would be scared to open email responses after I had to confront a difficult issue or I would say over and over in a conversation, “Does that make sense?” As if I was about to be completely misunderstood.

But as I’ve grown and matured, I’ve realized that I can’t take on the burden of what other people interpret about my communication nor can I always trust my interpretation of another person’s communication!

Let’s stop and highlight that word “interpretation” for a second. This word is key in communication. This is the word that explains why two people can be in a conversation with each other and walk away with two completely different takes on how it went.

I’ll never forget going out to coffee to talk to someone I cared so much about. We had a hard topic to discuss that was months in the making. We had been in conflict for a bit but never addressed it. We both knew it was there but since we didn’t have to see each other on a regular basis, we kind of ignored the issue. But after a while, I couldn’t handle feeling like I had negative unfinished business out there with someone I loved. So finally, I asked if we could meet up! We did and we both put everything out on the table — feelings, concerns, hurts, everything! We had what I thought was a resolution and then we left. I went home and told my husband how well it went! I said how I was so glad we did that and I felt 1000 times better! Then after that, I got a text from this person and come to find out, she had a completely different idea of how that evening went and thought it didn’t go well at all and she still didn’t know where we stood in our friendship.

I seriously couldn’t believe it. I was frustrated and hurt and felt one of the worst feelings for me…which is…being misunderstood.

So how did that happen? How did we both talk through something and walk away with completely different ideas of the result? I walked away with resolution and satisfaction and she walked away with confusion. Neither of us was wrong or right, we just saw things differently. It all goes back to that word… interpretation.

As you can see, the way we interpret the message is far more important to communication than the message itself. It’s why there are literal wars on social media when sometimes people are actually saying the exact same thing, they’re just saying it in a different way!

So how do we do better?

Here are a few thoughts.

1. Tone: Maybe we are so concerned with WHAT we are saying, that we forget to focus on the tone in which we are saying it! My husband is the king of using a tone that doesn’t reflect his message. So many times we will be talking and I’ll think he’s really disinterested in what I’m saying, but he’s not (or at least he says he’s not)! His tone just didn’t sound engaged at the time. I’ve learned to just ask him how he’s feeling about the conversation instead of assuming, I say things like, “Are you just chill right now in your tone or do you just not want to talk about this?” Often he explains that since his job requires him to make a lot of phone calls where his tone has to be upbeat and positive, he just wants to not worry about it at home. Understood! But for those of us communicating with someone we aren’t married to where we can’t always call each other out like that, having a disinterested tone will ultimately be a huge distraction to your message.

2. Body Language: Maybe you’ve got the words and the tone down, but your body language distracts the person from the whole thing! You are using gestures or a certain posture that looks as if you couldn’t care less about the one you are communicating with! As another example with my husband, I have a bad habit of sitting on my computer if he’s talking to me or walking around cleaning because I know I’m listening, but he obviously doesn’t feel that I am because my body is giving him a message that what I’m doing is more important. Be aware of how you are presenting yourself to the one who is communicating with you.

3. Intentions: Maybe you are someone who needs to think through your intentions when it comes to communication instead of just jumping right in and then backpedaling because you’ve gotten off track. Is your intention to bring value to that person or to simply BE HEARD! There is a big difference and the second one can be damaging to relationships if only being heard the focus of most of your interactions.

I had a friend in college whose sole purpose in life was to be heard. She monopolized many of the conversations in her friendships. In fact, there would be times when she would call me, talk the entire time, and never once asked me how I was doing before I heard, “oh, I have to go!” And then a click on the other line. This damaged our friendship. Her intention was always to be heard and never to build our relationship. This resulted in a very one-sided friendship that sadly fizzled out. Sure, if you know me, I talk a lot too! I don’t mind people who have a lot to say because I am one of those people! The point of telling this story is to be aware of your intentions when it comes to communication. Make sure your intention is to also add value to the one you are conversing with and not just take and take.

Communication is not just speaking or hearing, it’s also understanding. The end result of a conversation is both yours and the other person’s responsibility — not one or the other. So, be very specific about the meaning of your words and verify that the recipient is understanding correctly along the way. Before communicating, take time to decide what to say in a way that serves both you and the one you are communicating with. Set the intention.

This process doesn’t have to be done for every casual conversation, but it’s an important part to a conversation where the message is very important — like if you are working things out with your spouse or if you are explaining to a friend one of your concerns and so on.

Here are three questions I want you to think through when it comes to communication:

Think…

1. Is what I’m saying valuable and important? Don’t be too open simply for the sake of being open. When you are communicating to distract yourself or to lay your problems onto someone else and not really deal with them, this is an ineffective method of communication. 

2. Ask the question is what I’m saying useful or helpful?  Work on mainly saying what is useful — not reactive. No one will be won over by your opinions if your responses are simply reactive instead of helpful to the conversation.

3. Ask yourself…Is what I’m saying or interpreting tr