Hey, homeschoolers!

A homeschool mom posted on Facebook, “I bake homemade bread … but not enough.” I saw in her what I so often see in myself and other homeschool moms: the tyranny of not enough. Whatever we accomplish is immediately invalidated, whether we say it out loud or not.

We might think it’s no big deal. Maybe our “not enough” is just being humble and recognizing that we’re works in progress. But there are three negative side effects of “not enough” thinking that I want to share with you. Then I want to tell you how we can break free from this kind of thinking.

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The first problem with “not enough” thinking is that it’s discouraging.

I shared in a previous episode about two kinds of coaches. There’s the “not enough” coach who is always yelling at you to do better and then there’s the coach who looks for any positive actions and praises them. If you’re familiar with the movie Karate Kid, this is Sensei Reese coaching. Some personalities will respond to a “not enough” coach. They will push themselves outside of their comfort zone in response and may believe that this is the best kind of coaching. My husband is one of the people who responds to this.

However, what some people don’t realize is that you can get the same results with a positive coach. Mr. Myagi was a positive coach. Although he had Daniel working hard, he never told him he wasn’t doing enough. Positive coaching also motivates and pushes people outside of their comfort zone. I will work for hours and hours for the positive feedback of a coach I respect.

If you work harder and still hear the “not enough” coach in your head, you might do even more. But if the only feedback you get for giving more is repeatedly negative, you’re going to be discouraged. You are likely to quit.

Let’s use an example. You might decide that to get your schooling done by your chosen quitting time that you need to start school earlier. You manage to start school 15 minutes earlier with your elementary students, which I know from experience is amazing. But you think about what you accomplished and you still didn’t get it all done. “It’s not enough,” you tell yourself. You might decide to start another 15 minutes earlier or go another 15 minutes longer. Under the tyranny of not enough, you will find yourself in a negative spiral where you either burn the candle at both ends or end up defeated in your homeschooling.

Of course, the tyranny of not enough doesn’t just affect us. It also impacts our kids. Without realizing it, we can communicate to our kids that their efforts aren’t enough. They didn’t get their work done quickly enough, accurately enough, or agreeably enough. We don’t even have to say the words. We can frown or sigh or give them a backhanded compliment like “Well, at least you did better than you did before.” Colossians 3:21 references this: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” I believe this is speaking to fathers who have a “not enough” attitude. God is an encourager. Psalm 94:18-19 reads “When I thought, ‘My foot slips,’ Your steadfast love, O LORD, helped me up. When the cares of my heart are many, Your consolations cheer my soul.”

Not enough thinking is discouraging. But a second side effect is that it’s perpetual.

We will never get to a place where we feel that we’re enough. Sometimes that’s because of past experiences. We may have had a parent or a boss or another person in our life who was never pleased with our efforts. Even if that person is no longer in our lives, we may have taken on their role in saying “not enough.”

Another reason it’s perpetual is because we always compare ourselves to people who are doing more than we are. Social research tells us that we sometimes compare ourselves to people who aren’t doing as well as we are. We might compare ourselves to a brand-new homeschooler so we feel more competent. But much of the time we compare up. We choose the homeschool mom we know who seems to have it all together. She has more kids than you and makes healthy meals and runs the co-op. You lack in comparison. You don’t understand why, so you default to you’re just not trying hard enough.

This is especially destructive when we compare our kids. Her kids are readers who excel in sports, win at Bible bees, and have published novels. You may decide your kids could do the same, but they’re just not trying hard enough. Again, even if we don’t say it out loud, our kids can feel the tyranny and end up being discouraged.

A third reason not-enough thinking is perpetual is because it’s a marketing strategy. If we felt that we were and had enough, sales of all kinds of things would plummet. Beauty products, clothing, supplements, cars, home goods, and more are sold on the premise that we are currently not enough. In order to avoid this marketing, you would have to be off the grid. But unless we deal with not-enough thinking, we will always be bearing the burden of it.

Not-enough thinking is discouraging and perpetual. It’s also identity theft.

I hope you’ve never experienced true identity theft. Whether you have or have not, you know that it’s expensive, time-consuming, and emotionally draining to correct.

My husband has to have his ID scanned to enter some public schools for his job. There is a man with his same name who pops up on the scan every time. The man has been charged with numerous felonies. Because they share a name and the scanning program the schools use is very basic, the administrators take lots of time to verify my husband’s identity before they let him in–even when they