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The Unfriendly Potty Tries To Put It Back

The Unfriendly Potty Tries To Put It Back

Update: 2020-01-06
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Lords this week:





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Microtopics:




  • Ostensibly being in a hotel to stop an act of terrorism but first having to get someone's mojo back.

  • A portable computer that you call Catherine.

  • A time loop, here on Topic Lords.

  • Quitting that owl. Telling that owl where he can shove his heroin.

  • Duo Lingo being named after its founder and enforcer, Duo.

  • Gamification ruining your productivity because you can't help but care about these poorly-designed leaderboards.

  • This being a video games podcast now, I guess.

  • Putting in the effort to suck at a game so you can get more out of it.

  • Doing a couple squats and all the monsters dying and feeling like a badass because of all your gains.

  • Guessing that a higher intensity means a higher ratio of reps to jogging.

  • Guessing that lowering the workout intensity will increase your heart rate.

  • Squatting and catching the coins.

  • Being surprised that legal let them put squats in the workout game beacuse you can super fuck up your knees by doing squats wrong.

  • Learning Japanese so you can watch anime while also keeping an eye on that spider.

  • Asking your co-lord to stereotype an entire species.

  • Asking your co-lord about the personality of a spider when you made the spider up in this scenario.

  • Doing the equivalent of the look at the horse thing.

  • Explaining funny Youtube videos to each other.

  • A half hour of getting head massages and trying to make a face as if you're enjoying the head massage.

  • The mind whisk not working when you do it to yourself but a vibrating one might.

  • Not wanting to swear around clean boys.

  • Salvaging a terrible kale broccoli smoothie by adding rum.

  • Frying your terrible kale broccoli smoothie into falafels.

  • The only memory you have of a dentist being him telling you that you have a tiny mouth.

  • Not brushing your teeth or going to the dentist for four years.

  • Jim's good dentist costing twice as much as every other dentist and only being a 12-hour drive away.

  • The seam on a molded toy where the mold came together.

  • Knowing what the other person is talking about if it's the same thing that you were just talking about.

  • Going to the bank and giving them all your change and them giving you back half a black crayon and a couple of flatten pennies with dinosaurs on it and a lego.

  • Withdrawing all your money from the bank in black crayons.

  • Putting down the other half of your hot pepper bacon jam and peanut butter sandwich and later taking a bite, forgetting about the hot pepper bacon part.

  • A prank show that swaps out your half a sandwich with a different half a sandwich.

  • Getting food poisoning because someone on a podcast from the future gave you a bad recommendation and you paused it before hearing them say they were only kidding.

  • Searching for Jim Stormdancer who gave you a food poisoning recommendation on a time looped podcast but no results come back because that's not their name yet.

  • Realizing at the last second that a delicious gulp of Dr. Pepper is actually milk, then it turning out to actually be iced tea.

  • Beverageception.

  • How we all left fifty glasses of water in our room in case the aliens invade because that's a normal thing.

  • Milk not coming out of your glass when you try to drink because it's yogurt now.

  • Combination sleep mask and headphones.

  • Turning twenty half-full cans of Dr. Pepper into ten full cans of Dr. Pepper.

  • Not being able to take the last sip of anything because that sip is tainted.

  • Convincing yourself that if you just take a smaller sip it won't be the last sip.

  • Having five euros worth of pee vouchers because nobody actually accepts your pee vouchers.

  • Not having any concept of what it's like to drive without seeing tourist traps.

  • Figuring out what the German equivalent of Elvis is and instantly becoming a millionaire.

  • Starting to optimize your bathroom trips because now there's a currency involved.

  • The friendly potty making things weird.

  • The unfriendly potty trying to put it back.

  • Getting the smallest piece of chocolate imaginable at the end of your chocolate museum tour.

  • Helping the prince and his dragon friend make some chocolate shoes after the dragon accidentally melts the previous pair of chocolate shoes and melts them.

  • Brushing up on your chocolate trivia so you can get the sticker that says "Chocolate Genius."

  • Hiring a writer and telling them "it's a kingdom, and it's chocolatey -- go!"

  • Trying to convince museum attendees that you aren't exploiting laborers even though there are pictures of exploited laborers right there.

  • Theatrically fiddling with your synthesizers at because Channel 9 news is here.

  • Naming yourself after a music technology company because you also do music technology.

  • Missing an opportunity to name yourself after cheese.

  • Cheddars that have not undergone the cheddaring process.

  • Mistaking Thomas Dolby for Thomas Colby and cheddaring him but not getting cheddar for some reason.

  • Going grocery shopping with your mom and asking her for a candy bar and an Internet World Magazine.

  • Sticking with Gopher VR because the World Wide Web will never replace Telnet.

  • The term "World Wide Web" having been coined by Joseph McCarthy to describe Soviet influence in America.

  • Nodding along but feeling bad about not being able to connect with these people because you're 15 and don't know anything.

  • Being proud of not knowing about something.

  • Choosing to not be around people who make fun of you.

  • Programming being excellent practice for humility because you're demonstrably wrong all the goddamned time.

  • Wishing that you wanted to go outside more.

  • Synthesizer enthusiasts knocking over your trash can to look for patch cables.

  • Living on a canal and seeing a bunch of cool sea creatures all the time.

  • Spraying tap water into the canal to attract manatees and every one of them having propeller scars.

  • Watching shuttle launches from your back yard.

  • Slipping on frozen sprinkler water and somehow not hitting your head on your way down into the canal.

  • Every person ending up alone in the universe after everyone else has died.

  • Answering to Betty because you want to be polite and don't want to correct the person who thinks your name is Betty.

  • Betty Boop shooting to the top of the list of people you don't want to be confused with.

  • Being confused about whether Betty Boop is supposed to be sexy or a dog or both.

  • Betty Boop's apparent sexiness being like reading Shakespeare and not knowing what moiety means.

  • Judging somebody by the trucks you've seen with bootleg stickers of them on the back.

  • A bumper sticker of John Calvin peeing on whatever he doesn't like.

  • Inventing your own web safe palette.

  • Floyd-Steinberg fans high-fiving each other.

  • Good lording all around!

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The Unfriendly Potty Tries To Put It Back

The Unfriendly Potty Tries To Put It Back

Jim Stormdancer