This substack has been a live journal of the waning and waxing…of feeling so lost and then feeling so clear and then having them overlap. Today my body remembers what it felt like a year ago. Five months into live streaming the Palestinian genocide. I just re-read a few substacks from last March, and oh baby. I had no idea what was coming.

In my substack titled “My body feels ok today” (March 12th), I wrote:

I think in the last post or maybe in the one before that, I described myself behaving manically, because I’m going from zero to a hundred - from coming back from a break and feeling super depressed to being in 3 direct actions in one week. Today, I want to extend acceptance that I don’t always need to be “grounded.” Nothing is normal. I’m not normal. Maybe it’s ok that I’m swinging back and forth. As long as I’m not harming people or myself (for the most part) along the way, that’s all that matters.

My head: What about long-term sustainability like how you always preach?

My response: Long term? People are dying every day. There’s no promise I will live past this day, month, year. Let alone long term.

My head: Ok but aren't you going to burn out like next week? And what about your health? This stress is going to really make you not make it into the "long term."

My response: Fine - we won't do 3 direct actions next week.

My body remembers.

Some days I would feel so off and triggered, and then I would look at my calendar. It would remind me that a year ago, 2 years ago, 5 years ago, something traumatic happened. The older I get, it compounds. My body remembers not only traumatic things that happened to me, but she remembers our collective trauma - significant moments where we were beat down.

I keep on wondering how can I continue moving forward when every week and month and day feels like an anniversary for something horrific?

I hate how resilient we - poor Black + Brown people - have to be. I hate that it takes so much to keep on going…to survive under an empire that wants you exploited to the bone or dead. I hate how we can’t be a tender soft puddle all the time. (Note: we need to make more space to be tender soft puddles together.)

I’ve been on an anti-depressant for the past 5 or so months, and I decided to start weaning off of it this past week. This morning I laid in bed and felt a different kind of anxiety gnawing at me. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m on a lower dose of meds or what. I also was freaked out that I have felt more tired the past few days than I normally do…even though I definitely have felt very tired being on the anti-depressants.

A few reasons why I am trying to wean off of the meds is because I’m curious what my baseline is. I have a suspicion that it has blunted my personality and has taken away my edge - in a good and bad way. The good way is that it has helped me regulate (especially in the beginning.) The bad way is that it might have also taken the edge to my personality…that is so me. Not sure. Another reason is when things crumble even more and medicare is taken away, I don’t want to be reliant on medications from pharma. It’s a privilege to be able to have this be a choice of mine. That’s another motivator of being as well as possible so that I can do my part in resistance.

All that being said - I’m not sure how to cope with this very dark timeline, but I need to try. I have no idea how I’m going to pay my bills in the next few months, but I need to try. I have no idea how to keep stable in my mental/emotional/physical health, but I need to try. We need to try. This is a community effort in surviving.

One way that has been helping me cope are taking care of my plant babies. I’ve been propagating them and giving them away to loved ones <3. Below are photos of some of my babies.

What does Liberatory Imagination spark in me today?

A future where we can be soft puddles. Where tenderness is abundant and afforded to everyone. Where vulnerability is respected and honored. Where ingenuity and creativity isn’t spent on how to survive, but on art. Where a leisure pace is just default. Where communion with the land is a common delight.

How to support me (thank you in advance):

Currently, I’m in between jobs and would appreciate any support you can afford.

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