r/Bestof I'm in a MMMFF Poly Marriage
Update: 2025-01-06
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0:14 Poly relations
14:08 Rejection notes
16:42 Comment
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Transcript
00:00:00
Welcome to our slash Best of Reditor Updates, where OP is in a five-person polyamorous relationship and they're trying to figure out which of the three guys should impregnate OP's wife.
00:00:12
Our next reddit post comes from our slash polyamory.
00:00:14
I'm a 35-year-old guy and my wife, Laurie, is 34.
00:00:18
We've been together for 16 years, married for 13.
00:00:21
And our relationship has been open since the day that we met in college.
00:00:25
About eight years ago, we met another couple, Kyle, who's 34 and Andy, who's 33, who were also open and poly.
00:00:31
And we hit it off right away.
00:00:33
In 2012, Andy got pregnant, and after a bit of math, we realized that I was probably the father.
00:00:40
After discussing our future, we had a commitment ceremony in July 2012, and we've all been a family ever since.
00:00:47
When that occurred, Andy already had one baby with Kyle, and Laurie had two with me.
00:00:52
On the periphery of all this, was Joseph, who's 34.
00:00:56
Joseph and Kyle have been friends since college, and Joseph, Kyle, and Andy have had an intermittent sexual relationship since then.
00:01:03
There was never anything serious there, but he was a regular third man in their threesomes.
00:01:08
After the commitment ceremony, Joseph occasionally joined all of us for our bedroom fun, but it was again an intermittent thing and nothing serious.
00:01:17
So, it wasn't a huge surprise when Andy's baby turned out to be Joseph's and not mine.
00:01:22
It was still a surprise, but it wasn't a problem.
00:01:25
The baby was welcomed into our family, and Joseph became a more regular guest in our home.
00:01:30
About a year after the baby was born, a few things happened that seriously changed things.
00:01:35
First, both Andy and Laurie got pregnant again.
00:01:38
As we would later learn, Andy's baby really was mine this time around, and Laurie's baby is Kyle's.
00:01:45
Oh my god, you guys.
00:01:47
Shortly after that, Joseph was involved in a very serious motorcycle accident.
00:01:52
He was hospitalized for nearly two months, lost his job, lost his apartment, and needed a lot of help.
00:01:58
We ended up moving him in with us as a temporary thing to help him out.
00:02:02
That was a year and a half ago.
00:02:04
He's still here.
00:02:05
Kyle is happy to have his old friend around all the time.
00:02:08
The women both like him a lot, and the inner course is great between all of them.
00:02:12
Three days ago, Laurie was hinting that she needed to talk about something serious, but didn't know how to broach it.
00:02:18
After a bit of discussion, it came out.
00:02:21
She wants to have one more baby, and not just anyone's baby.
00:02:24
She wants to have Joseph's baby.
00:02:26
She wants to go off the pill and have Kyle and I either abstain from sex with her or to have only condom-rejected sex until Joseph gets her pregnant.
00:02:35
When I asked her why, she just shrugged her shoulders and said that she loved him too, and that it was only fair.
00:02:41
She said that Andy had a child by each of the three guys, and she wanted to have a baby by each of us too.
00:02:47
After a bit more discussion, it came out that the idea was his, and that he was feeling left out because he didn't have a child with her.
00:02:55
Putting aside the childish notion that baby should be created solely to placate someone since of fairness, I have a few serious problems with this.
00:03:04
First, we already have six kids in the house, which is already a bit much at times.
00:03:08
I thought we were all done having kids, and I'm not sure I really want any more.
00:03:13
Second, there's no commitment to Joseph.
00:03:15
Where the rest of us have gone through a commitment ceremony to join ourselves to each other, he hasn't.
00:03:21
But the biggest is also the simplest.
00:03:23
I don't really like the guy.
00:03:25
Never have.
00:03:26
He's got this odd vibe, and has always struck me as a bit untrustworthy.
00:03:31
He honestly reminds me of a shady, used car salesman.
00:03:34
He also drinks too much, is a bit of a bigot, and has a personality that I find grating.
00:03:40
I don't object to him hanging around now and then because he was Kyle's friend, and I didn't have a problem with the intercourse because it was just intercourse, and I understood the history of their relationship.
00:03:50
But now I'm wishing that I had.
00:03:52
To be honest, I've long hoped that he would meet someone who wasn't into polyamory, just to get him out of our sex lives and relationship.
00:04:00
When he moved in after the accident, I kept my mouth shut because they were just trying to be helpful, and the discussion about his long-term plans have always been alluded to the idea that he'd be moving out again someday.
00:04:12
Whenever he really annoyed me, I would just tell myself that it was just temporary.
00:04:17
Now I'm facing the possibility that this guy is going to be around forever.
00:04:21
Kyle and Andy love the idea, and think that Lori having Joseph's baby is romantic.
00:04:27
Lori is looking to cement some kind of bond to him.
00:04:30
I, on the other hand, seem to get angrier and angrier every time I see him.
00:04:35
Almost violently angry.
00:04:37
I want to chase this guy out of our home and never let him in again.
00:04:40
I want to punch him square in his smug face.
00:04:44
I temporarily tolerated someone that I disliked because I wanted to be generous and helpful, and because he's the father of one of Andy's children.
00:04:52
But now, because I didn't want to be a dick and consign a disabled man to homelessness, he's worked his way into our relationship and seems quite content to stay there forever.
00:05:02
If this pregnancy happens, I know he'll never move out.
00:05:05
How do I even begin to approach this?
00:05:07
I don't really care if Joseph gets hurt in this, but every other solution seems to lead to the other people in my family being miserable, then being angry with me, or me living in silent misery.
00:05:18
I can't see any way to resolve this that doesn't involve hurting those I love, or hurting myself.
00:05:24
Guys, I want to be super clear about this.
00:05:25
I am monogamous.
00:05:26
I'm happily married to one woman.
00:05:28
She's happily married to me, and I don't want to bash on people who are into polyamory at all.
00:05:33
That's your thing and that's your thing, fine.
00:05:35
But you guys, I am exhausted reading this.
00:05:39
This is so complicated and exhausting.
00:05:42
O.P.
00:05:43
is really like.
00:05:44
Listen, I don't like you, but you can live with us and screw my wife.
00:05:48
But I draw the line at impregnating my wife.
00:05:50
That goes too far.
00:05:52
Okay, all right.
00:05:53
Okay, then one day later, O.P.
00:05:57
posted an update.
00:05:58
Wow, where to begin?
00:06:00
We had the discussion this morning, and it went about as poorly as expected.
00:06:04
I began by clearing the air about my feelings for Joseph.
00:06:08
I reminded everyone that he and I have never gotten along, and that I've always viewed his presence in our home as a temporary thing.
00:06:15
I told them that I still view it as temporary, and that I can't support any moves that would make his presence in our home more permanent.
00:06:22
That's when Kyle and Andy dropped a bombshell.
00:06:25
Following Lori's announcement a few days ago, they'd been talking about asking Joseph to join our family, formally, through a commitment ceremony, to make him a permanent part of our household.
00:06:36
They were apparently going to bring it up with me today.
00:06:39
I reminded them that as part of our original commitment, we'd agreed that any additions to our family had to be done unanimously, and made it very clear that I would never agree to that.
00:06:49
My statement led to a huge argument, which included them calling me selfish, and the statement that the three of them could hold a commitment ceremony without me.
00:06:58
I didn't want to go there, but I shut that down by saying, "Understand that if you do that, you're not talking about adding someone new to the family.
00:07:06
You're talking about replacing me with him.
00:07:09
I can't stay in a family that would hurt and disrespect me that way."
00:07:12
That led to even more arguing that didn't have any real conclusion.
00:07:16
That's when I turned to Lori.
00:07:18
I told her that I loved her, and that it broke my heart that she wanted to have a child with someone that I couldn't stand.
00:07:23
I also told her that I found it offensive that he would ask her to have a child to placate his own ego, but that I thought the request was fairly consistent with his lack of character.
00:07:33
I reminded her that a child is not an object to be traded for affection or love, and that they should only be created as an expression of that love.
00:07:42
I told her without any hesitation that having a child with Joseph would irrevocably change our relationship and drive a wedge between us.
00:07:50
She would be choosing his happiness over mine, and that's how relationships end.
00:07:55
She was crying the whole time, and when I was done, she called me selfish and mean.
00:08:00
She told me that she loved us both, and that she wouldn't choose between us.
00:08:04
She flat out said that she wanted to have one more baby, that she'd already talked to Joseph about it, and that she wasn't going to go back on her word.
00:08:12
She then offered to get rid of the exclusive part, saying that she was willing to go off the pill and have sex with both of us, letting fate decide the baby's paternity.
00:08:20
I told her this was unacceptable.
00:08:23
Reminded her that I'm her husband and family, and that he's not.
00:08:26
And I said, "That's not making a decision.
00:08:29
She was actually making a choice."
00:08:31
I told her that I'd be more than willing to have another child with her, but that having a child with Joseph would be the end of us.
00:08:37
And then I went to work.
00:08:39
The discussion didn't really change anything or lead to any firm decisions, but the information is now out there, and everyone knows where everyone else stands.
00:08:48
Then one day later, OP posted an update.
00:08:51
It looks like my family will be changing a bit, but things appear to be settling down.
00:08:56
After Laurie balled her eyes out after reading my post, she apologized to me for everything, and we spent the night together.
00:09:03
No sex, just holding each other all night.
00:09:06
This morning, she asked me to not discuss this anymore until we got everything worked out, but she said that I could post one final update.
00:09:12
So, first off, Joseph is moving out.
00:09:15
Yep, it actually happened.
00:09:17
And the shocking thing, it was his idea.
00:09:20
He finally demonstrated some of that nice guy personality to me that I've never been able to connect with.
00:09:26
I knew that Joseph would be home when I returned from work yesterday, and I was honestly expecting the worst.
00:09:32
I was sure that someone had clued him in, and I expected him to react with his usual butthole persona.
00:09:38
That didn't happen.
00:09:39
Instead, a few minutes after I came home, Joseph walked into my room and asked me to join him in the backyard for a conversation.
00:09:46
I was expecting a fist fight, but I got an apology instead.
00:09:50
He admitted that we've never gotten along, and he admitted that he's never liked me either.
00:09:55
But he said that he didn't feel right about coming between me and Laurie.
00:09:59
He went on to talk about how happy his son is in our family, and how he didn't want to destroy that family.
00:10:05
At the same time, he talked about how much he loved living with his son, and how he really didn't want to go back to only seeing him once a week.
00:10:12
I'd never thought about that.
00:10:14
In the end, he proposed a solution that I accepted.
00:10:17
There's a nice apartment complex about two blocks from our house, and he wants to get an apartment there when he lands a job.
00:10:23
He's pretty good at what he does and already has some job leads, so he anticipates that'll happen pretty soon.
00:10:28
He can visit our house whenever he wants during the week.
00:10:31
I'd be at work anyways, and he can spend up to two nights a week at my house to be closer to his kid.
00:10:36
If he does it right, that could mean that he could still potentially see his son seven days a week, while I only have to deal with him for two.
00:10:44
It's a great solution that gives us both what we want.
00:10:46
He's also already told Lori that he doesn't want to have a baby with her, so that's now off the table.
00:10:52
He actually admitted that he wanted to have a baby with Lori, but said that he didn't want to stick her in the middle of a conflict over it, and then we had a beer together.
00:11:01
I didn't even complain when he handed me one of his piss water core's lights, totally not kidding.
00:11:07
This guy really does fit certain stereotypes.
00:11:09
My low opinion of the guy went up a notch.
00:11:12
As for Lori, she was a tearful mess for most of the day, apparently, and Joseph taking the baby off the table was fairly devastating for her.
00:11:20
After I got home and we talked a bit, she unloaded her soul and let me know just how much she wants another baby, and how much it hurt her that neither Kyle nor myself once won with her.
00:11:31
And then she felt even more hurt when neither of us even noticed how hurt she was over it.
00:11:36
After several hours of talking, we came to an agreement.
00:11:40
We're going to have one more baby, but we'll wait another year for it.
00:11:43
And interestingly, she wants it to be mine, not Kyle's, not Joseph's.
00:11:48
Kyle apparently doesn't have a problem with that at all.
00:11:51
So what about Lori's relationship with Joseph?
00:11:54
Well, here's where Polly Amory and Open Relationships can get complicated.
00:11:58
The commitment ceremony is off the table, but she still wants to date him and have some sort of a relationship with him.
00:12:04
No babies, no pregnancy, just love an intercourse now and then.
00:12:08
She won't ever sleep with him when he's staying over at our house, but she's still going to go on dates with him, visiting him at his place from time to time, and will be staying overnight on occasion, like maybe once a month.
00:12:19
While I have to admit that I'm still not totally thrilled with that, it's really just going back to the relationship they had before he moved in with us, which I'll tolerate for her happiness.
00:12:29
Andy, on the other hand, is a problem.
00:12:31
She's still furious with me over all this and isn't showing any signs of backing down.
00:12:36
In a way, it's understandable.
00:12:38
She's had a sexual and emotional relationship with Joseph since she was 21 years old, and is the mother of his child.
00:12:45
So she was really looking forward to him becoming part of our family, and was deeply hurt by my rejection.
00:12:51
Kyle told me last night that she even talked about leaving the family over it and moving in with Joseph, but that it was just angry talk.
00:13:00
Right now, I can only get cold stairs and slam doors from her.
00:13:04
I really don't know how this is going to resolve itself, but for the sake of our daughter, I'll never stop trying.
00:13:10
I stuck her in the middle of a fight between the fathers of two of her children, two men she loves, and she's furious at me for even forcing the choice.
00:13:18
It may take some time for both of us to work through it.
00:13:21
Kyle is a bit of a different story.
00:13:23
He admitted that he knew Joseph and that I didn't get along, and apologized to me for not talking to me sooner to make sure that I was okay with everything.
00:13:31
He apparently blames himself for the arguing, thinking that it was his job to run interference since Joseph was originally his friend, and I'm a life partner in his family.
00:13:40
I told him not to worry about it because it was my fault that I didn't bring it up myself.
00:13:44
Then we had a beer.
00:13:45
What's funny about this?
00:13:48
Is this an old post?
00:13:50
This was posted right before the pandemic.
00:13:54
And unfortunately, OP never replied again that really was his last update.
00:13:58
So who knows.
00:14:01
You guys think they survived COVID?
00:14:03
Not for me, man.
00:14:04
Not for me.
00:14:05
Our next Reddit post comes from Ask a Manager.
00:14:08
I'm a younger person whose job searching for something full-time for the first time.
00:14:12
I haven't been having a lot of luck, of course, due to the state of the world.
00:14:16
But I recently got an interview where I made it all the way to the final round and was rejected.
00:14:21
At first, the company was really professional about it.
00:14:24
They were kind enough to let me know I'd been rejected and thanked me for my time.
00:14:28
But then, about three days later, I got an email from one of the interviewers.
00:14:32
The email body tech said, "Hey, here's some tip for future interviews."
00:14:36
And attached was a word document with a super detailed list of everything I'd done wrong.
00:14:43
Including that my answer to the question, "What's your favorite book was too pretentious?"
00:14:48
Note, the job wasn't for a library or any other book-related field.
00:14:53
Although this guy had been part of the final round interview panel, he hadn't been present during previous interviews, and this was the first communication that I got directly from this guy.
00:15:02
Here are the comments from the documents.
00:15:04
For context, this was a financial/stock company.
00:15:08
But if I got the job, I wouldn't be working directly with stocks.
00:15:11
I would have worked as a copywriter.
00:15:13
I can tell that you're not passionate about stocks.
00:15:16
Every member of this company has been passionately investing in the stock market as a hobby for years.
00:15:21
You had basic technical knowledge about it.
00:15:24
In general, you seem to lack passion.
00:15:26
Your answers are very thorough and well thought out, but lack passion.
00:15:30
What are you passionate about?
00:15:32
I couldn't tell.
00:15:33
You were clearly nervous throughout.
00:15:36
You lacked confidence.
00:15:37
When asked about an issue you had to overcome, you mentioned something that had happened in a job not related to our industry.
00:15:43
You didn't seem to have an interest in company culture.
00:15:46
We mentioned that we're a company with lots of events and training workshops, and you didn't ask any further questions there.
00:15:53
Your response to the favorite book question sounded pretentious and insincere.
00:15:58
"Lay Miserables" simply isn't a book that people read for fun.
00:16:02
You weren't enjoying yourself at all.
00:16:04
We're a friendly company, and you were tense and nervous the entire time we talked to you.
00:16:08
You let your nerves show.
00:16:10
Is this normal?
00:16:11
It left me feeling really terrible.
00:16:13
According to him, I did so many things wrong and it's killing my confidence.
00:16:19
Then, three years later, O.P.
00:16:21
posted an update.
00:16:22
As many commenters guessed, he was trying to hit on me in a "negging" sort of way.
00:16:28
He later tried to ask me out via LinkedIn DMs.
00:16:32
Needless to say, it did not work.
00:16:35
And then, just O.P.
00:16:36
goes on to explain that she got a job and she's happy now.
00:16:39
I like this comment from J.
00:16:41
Buyington.
00:16:42
Why didn't his constructive criticism make her hot and bothered?
00:16:47
Is she stupid or something?
00:16:49
That was our "slosh best of redditor updates" and if you like this content, be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new reddit podcast episodes every single day.
00:16:57
