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Update: 2020-05-25
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Lords:





Topics:





Microtopics:




  • Being confident in your recording setup because you're too lazy to verify it.

  • The old lady who lives in your ductwork who you can't hear because she only shrieks exactly when you're talking.

  • Finding out about the apocalypse from a podcast recorded months ago.

  • The subtle distinction between self care and overeating.

  • Feeling better about your anxiety disorder because the world has gotten worse to meet your mood.

  • A behavior that looks maladaptive but must secretly be awesome because it has survived for millennia.

  • A poltergeist that keeps turning your stove off.

  • Worshipping gods that turn out to be evil aliens.

  • Trying to make "Christian Splinter Faiths" scan to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme.

  • Going for the cosmetic upgrade before the inventory upgrade and causing your partner physical pain.

  • Clearcutting the entire island you're visiting because when you leave it will cease to exist.

  • Harvesting trees in a checkerboard pattern because they grow better that way.

  • A financial startup specializing in converting British pounds to Nook miles.

  • Putting pounds and dollars in the same bank account and they crossbreed while they're in there.

  • 100%-ing Animal Crossing as fast as possible.

  • Speed runs that are entertaining to describe but not to watch.

  • Bingo races as the improvisation-heavy antidote to rote speed runs.

  • Forcing Caleb Hart to livestream Mega Man X any time anyone listens to this episode.

  • Feeding toilet paper into your inkjet printer to create a cool pattern to wipe your ass with.

  • Using Silly Putty to copy the stock market info from the newspaper.

  • Not being able to print toilet paper with your 3D printer, but printing a bidet instead.

  • Running out of toilet paper and 3D printing corn husks.

  • Buying the Taco Bell Grande Meal to eat the beans out of the burrito and then wiping your ass with the corn tortilla and wax paper wrapper.

  • Skipping a step and putting the burrito right in the toilet.

  • Introducing an awesome person to your friend and then ruining them in the very next sentence.

  • The outside of the printer paper protecting you from the horrifying inside of the toilet paper.

  • Pulping spare blue jeans to manufacture your own artisanal toilet paper.

  • Figuring out how to put your front yard in your back yard to hide it from the HOA.

  • Reporting your neighbor to the HOA for weeds in the middle of a global pandemic.

  • Getting notices from the HOA that you need to power wash your driveway and power washing the words "fuck you" into it.

  • Confusing Day of the Dead and Cinco De Mayo because they both happen in the same year.

  • An object you need to keep safe from magnets.

  • Advice on dealing with floppy disks in the Year of our Lord 2020.

  • Something in France that hasn't been found yet.

  • A Wikipedia list of things that have not been found in France.

  • Burying a microtransaction-heavy game in the desert and hoping the person who finds it is a whale.

  • Throwing a microtransaction-heavy game into the ocean and it traveling back in time and Captain Ahab hears about it and becomes obsessed with finding the whale who owns it.

  • Trying to think of a really big expensive home and your brain coming back with "a bucket!"

  • The train stopping slightly and thinking "maybe society is breaking down" and then the train starting again and thinking "I guess I'll just go to my boring job."

  • Part of you wanting to live in interesting times and be part of historical events.

  • Bringing your axe made out of a sharpened hubcap to work because Phil's allowed to bring his Leatherman.

  • Not being able to train to be a warlord in the post-apocalypse because during the apocalypse all the MMA gyms are closed.

  • Realizing that Amazon Prime Video doesn't have Murder She Wrote any more and wanting to just burn it all down.

  • The magical time in your life when you thought Netflix's selection of streaming video would only keep getting bigger.

  • Conflating Murder She Wrote with the Golden Girls.

  • Deadpanning ridiculous things that happen in St. Olaf, Minnesota.

  • Angry texts from your mom about how you ruined Murder She Wrote by telling her about the theory that Jessica Fletcher is a serial killer.

  • A big city businesswoman looking to take over her parents' failing Christmas ornament shop.

  • CG compositing Christmas ornaments into the background of every shot of Golden Girls.

  • Everybody playing online games all the time now because their extrovert friends have figured out the Internet.

  • Extroverts agreeing to watch speed runs with you because they're desperate to talk to anybody.

  • Finding an eight hour smooth jazz video and eventually realizing it's two minutes of smooth jazz looping for eight hours.

  • Trying to solve playing music with friends over the Internet.

  • Solving the problem of jamming with friends over the Internet by only playing music with precogs.

  • Sticking it to the HOA by dressing up as a weed and when they come by to report you, jumping out and yelling "I'm no weed, I'm a guy!"

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